So I was craving cake di ba haha may nagdala sa work kanina hahahaha nakamenos pa ako tenkyu

Song! 

 A friend and I were messing around hanggang sa napunta yung usapan sa hindi pagbati kay Dennis Padilla nung mga anak niya nung Father's Day, tapos nagjoke akong batiin niya tatay ko.

Nakita ko yung Facebook ng tatay ko at naawa ako kasi nangangayayat na nga talaga siya. Kalbo na rin siya. To be fair, panot naman na talaga tatay ko for as long as I can remember, but he's never looked as old as he does now.

Kinuwestyon ko saglit yung sarili ko at desisyon ko, pero pinipilit kong hindi ko talaga kakayanin kung magkasama man kami sa iisang poder ulit. Hindi talaga.

I snooped around my dad's Facebook and saw that he still talks to my harasser. Nawala amor ko.

Naisip kong valid naman, baka hindi kakailanganin ng tatay kong kaibiganin yun kung siguro andun ako para suportahan siya, pero parang ang laking sakit sa ulo lang ng tatay ko. Di ko siya kakayanin. 

I'd be in danger too, if I stayed close to my father. I wish I wouldn't be. 

For some reason, I feel so unwanted.

Go away, Tin. 

Nagpa-reading ako recently ba:

A friend and I have been talking and haha natamaan ako sa sarili kong sinabi wow

Pero oks na yan. Ang ganda ng sinabi niya sa dulo. I'm reminded of how love works. 

I don't feel "sana all" vibes. I'm just in awe, as if I'm being reintroduced to the most basic of all basics that is love.

Man, that is love. 

Kahit parang gusto mong mantiris ng tao minsan, ang galing din ng ganito. Kasi palawak nang palawak yung isip mo, kaya mas palalim nang palalim yung nararamdaman mo. And ang galing.

Siguro, basta sinusubukan niya talaga laging ayusin yung issues niya, at lagi lang nating alalahaning magkakaiba tayo ng pace, na wag tayong magalit nga sa mga bagay na kaya natin pero hindi pa kaya ng iba, then the relationship won't be anything but stronger. Ang galing. Parang epiphany ba. Haha

Ok gnite

Song

 I want cake. Hirap maging mahirap . 

Ang funny sa panaginip ko ba sabi ng isang character, "Di ko maintindihan sarili ko bakit ang dami kong libro. Sino bang kalaban ko?" Hahahahha

And four views? Weird. 

May napagdesisyunan ako: I will go back on the dating scene pag nag 49kg timbang ko HAHAHHAHA hahahaa

I think I might be positive for COVID haha buti na lang the symptoms aren't so bad. Hindi ako tinatrangkaso pero nung mga nakaraang araw parang lagnatin ako nun. Anyway, I'm trying to get tested. 

I also walked Bebu this morning. 

Sana mag WFH na me pls

Song

Another song

 Song!

It doesn't make sense that I'm this sleepy right now.

There's someone unwelcome here viewing my entries here lol tapos mumurahin ako bigla like why the fuck haha 

ayoko na lang replyan kasi what for 

anyway i wish they get off this space, it's not for them. 

anyway im so sleepy

idk why i dont feel like talking to my friends about my recent thoughts. i dont like talking to them about it anymore. anyway i feel so tired and drained i miss my dog bye

 Adventure! Nawala ko kasi susi ko, eh buti na lang may duplicate ako ng sa pintuan ng unit ko pero sa gate wala kaya inakyat ko gate namin. Hahaha tangina

Ive been eating ice cream a lot lately

Pakain ng client:

I feel so tired like my body's beat up

Song

You know, I still want to die. I really will do my best to die as soon as possible. Mag-iipon ako para ready na ako pag namatay ako and so I don't burden people, pero I'll just keep this between you and me. Ayoko nang ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko. Nakakapagod na rin. Ayoko na ring magdrama sa social media at ang futile. 

I don't even feel sad anymore at the thought. And at least di ba, hindi siya impulsive na decision. Paghahandaan ko na siya. Sa totoo lang, ang gaan sa pakiramdam isiping mamamatay rin ako. Magpapa-cremate na lang ako. Magsstart na akong mag-inquire for real once na pumatak ng 20k yung ipon ko. 

Life is shit, but the sunrise is always a great way to start your day.

 Also, peep my Doraemon shirt 

I have a new fav shirt now. Lol

I feel meh. Hope life is treating you well, stranger.

I am well-fed

Rainbow from this morning

Here's Bebu. Took her out for a quick walk this morning and bathed her. 

There is also this creep.

Your song.

Also your song. 

 

bakit ang dali lang para sa ibang magka love life? like parang makadama lang sila ng saglit na moment of weakness, di na nila kailangang maghanap? bakit sa akin wala at all lol i mean oks lang naman tbh, i think i'll just fuck it up if magkaroon man kaya ok lang na wala pero minsan gusto ko rin hahaha 

pinanood ko funny girl ni barbara steisand ba ang ganda ang gaganda ng mga movies niya actually. second streisand movie ko na to. pinanood ko na rin ang kakabakaba ka ba outdated na siya for me ahah korni na pero ampogi ni jay ilagan at grabe ang ganda ni sandy andolong at charo santos mas crush ko si sandy kasi ang girl next door niya si charo kasi parang crush ng bayan pa eh si christopher mukhang chickboy pero ang funny lang na in real life si christopher hubby niya haha

Am i destined for a life of solitude and sadness

Song  

 I've been so out of it lately. Sorry no song for you I've only been listening to SZA's ctrl deluxe ver.

So many thoughts again, but I'll just keep them to myself right now. 

Thanks for being here

Fucking hate cowards who can't speak their minds even when asked directly already. Eh di go ahead FO kung FO. 

Whatever I'm feeling now, I need to manage on my own. If anything happens to me, idk kung saan ko pwede iwanan aso ko. 

I have people I can ask, pero saka na lang pag desidido na ako. I wish I didn't reveal so much about myself to you sometimes, so that I wouldn't worry about you trying to stop me in case. But here we are... 

It's just that I don't feel like I'm still living a life anymore. 

I know everyone is busy living their own lives, but wow, I feel so alone. It's true. Even if I survived another attempt, therapy can't help me. I can already see how things will go if I went back. 

Alam mo, nakaka-sad konti na yung mga taong gusto mo sanang magkaroon ng pakialam sa'yo eh wala talagang pake. I'm sure they'd even be happy if I die. I took this attachment theory exam and there was a question about whether I agree that I worry if people don't care for me as much as I care for them and I disagreed because I don't need to worry about something I've already confirmed as the truth. I'm more hurt than worried. 

It does get better. I can vouch for that even with everything I feel right now, but the pain doesn't hurt any less. Some parts of your life do get better, growth DOES occur, but it hurts just the same.

I can name a list of the good things in my life.

Bebu's skin has improved.

The color of the walls in my room aren't as horrible as it used to be. 

I'm glad I have been able to feel as deeply as I do for Ryan.

I'm glad for the people in my life.

But I still want to die. 

When it strikes, it hurts just the same.

I guess I got sidetracked from the truth that my whole life is nothing but a time to accept my end. 

I wish to know about the cheapest options available for coffins, funerals, that way I don't burden anyone once I do die. Tbh, if pwede lang mag-Magnifico na lang and build mysf a coffin of plywood, I'd have no issue. Nothing matters anymore about a dead body. Heck, I've thought about what if a necrophiliac does something to me and it wouldn't matter anymore at this point. Wala nang halaga ang dangal para sa patay (this is just me).

Is Magnifico-ing a viable option? 

Okay, I've done some research. It's best I die in Calaca where my father can file for burial assistance sa munisipyo. Hopefully, my employer also reports my death so I can claim my funeral benefits from SSS. That's 40k max din, hopefully more. 

Coffins can be for 5k lang. Tbh, willing akong masali na lang sa mass burial. 

I just realized tho, when I do die, none of the people in my life now would be able to visit. Lol. Just goes to show how much people I really have in life. If I were to have a funeral, it would be with people whom I don't know very well. It's a lonely thought, but it is what it is. 

I guess I need to be super frugal. 

You know what's funny? I was starting to read again yesterday. 

 I was thinking kaninang umaga ba about how I only get 5 hours in a day for myself? Kasi in the 24 hours that a day has, 11 hours of it go to work—this would already include the commute and preparing beforehand. This leaves me with 13 hours, and 8 hours already go to sleeping (supposedly). I am left with just 5 hours, and what can you do with 5 hours? And if I did extra chores, then what I am left with?

Sometimes, I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day but deep down, I know my human body can only handle so much. And time is really all I can freely give. Other times, I wish time didn't exist, or that the day had less hours. 

Sabi nga, humans are walking contradictions. 

 I thought you were never coming back

char clingy yarn

Look at this fucking list

I wanna write, I wanna read again. I opened my epubs. I'm thinking of reading again, maybe before I watch Secret Sunshine. 

Do I see myself making a career out of it? Not so much. Do I still wanna make time for it? I wanna try to find the time for it at least.

A friend said I'm not any less deserving of love because of my past mistakes. I hope she's right. 

hehe

 natatawa ako kasi may twt acct ako na di ko na ginagamit tas hehe ang name ko dun, tas ganito email notifs ko kakacheck ko lang haha

*hehe

burnout is not a myth. i wish it were. :< sabi ni reyn iwasan ko raw yung ugali kong mag-self isolate, pero ang hirap. 

why do i hold the reins to my life? i wish my life was already written and all i need to do is live it nahihilo ako at the moment, i cant function

 The room is spinning.

What a delicate song. 

Cute song.  Lol

funny meme

I don't remember the last time I truly enjoyed a meal

 Song

 Your song. Love u

I miss you pala lol this doesn't end in death

I feel lost right now, but like someone said, feeling lost makes room for further growth. This is a time to redirect and steer myself to where or who I should be. 

I'm not at my best right now, but life is okay. 

 I saw a TikTok about blindness and now here I am practicing what's it like to be blind. 

song

 My dog wanted to lick me and I was singing her a song.

Our tongues ended up touching 🥲 PAIN

She's so adorable we've been sleeping together a lot lately. Here she is yesterday:

Here she is this morning:

As I was about to leave the house for work, it started to pour and so I went back to get a jacket, and I hurriedly grabbed yours. You know which one—the windbreak jacket I haven't returned? 

And so today was about you.

Also got a reading. 

Another reading:

Is it alright to long for love despite knowing you're not ready for a commitment? The confidence I had from earlier this year is gone.

Your song.

Also your song.

Will timing ever go my way? 

At ano nga ba ang konsepto ng personal space?

I was planning to get my booster shot today. I've been postponing it since the weekend, actually, but I feel like shit (like physical health-wise). I'm thinking it's because I binge-watcyed two kdrama series yesterday and slept at 3pm + this sleeping aid I've been taking. 

Even nicer thing someone has said to me for the week:

I’m not gonna lie—obviously, I prefer to remain self-reliant over these kind of feelings, but it's nice for someone to say this. 

 I'd wonder about who you are on a regular day, but I feel my soul getting sucked dry.

Now, I'd like to think of myself as a rational and logical person, despite my emotions sometimes getting the best of me, but even so, there are mistakes I don't defend myself from. And even more so, there are mistakes my friends cannot defend me from. I think this is one of those. I wonder why I always need other people to defend me from myself, to hold myself high. Idk where I'm going with this. 

Your song, maybe. 

I think of you sometimes to quiet down my thoughts. 

 Maybe I should stop pining for these things and spend my days in remorse for all the mistakes I've done. I'm not sure if I deserve that, after the things I've done. I want to be good, really, but records say otherwise. So maybe I don't. 

 

I have been feeling a lot like shit lately. This is the best thing anyone's said to me for the week. I cannot really share my actual thoughts to people, kasi I don't think anyone understands. I'm either too much or too weird for them. They call me a sad girl for my feelings. I feel like shit. I feel like shit. I feel like shit. Nothing is making sense right now. 

Hope you're ok. Your song

 A lot of my memories don't seem real. I don't understand how I got to where I am now. It doesn't make sense that I still exist. I feel so disconnected. 

 I wonder who my dog would be in another life or another universe. Maybe she'd have gotten bad karma for chewing up half the shoes on my shoe rack. Maybe then she'd be some sort of version of me out there. Maybe we'd have switch places and she'd be the one bearing this bittersweet feeling I carry right now.

And so, in this life, in this universe, I'll give her one of my shoes to chew on sometimes... Anything but the tissue roll.

I'll let her lick my chin or whichever part of my face she feels like every once in a while. I'll let her linger around me and give her the attention she wants sometimes, hoping it alleviates whatever sadness she could be feeling in another world or another life.

I wish to be a better mother to her than the only one I've known. 

 I was supposed to meet with some people from a friend group I've sort of grown out of and then may nirereto sila sa akin supposedly but the guy declined because of what he heard about me.

It is true. I hooked up with a guy who was courting someone else.

I don't think I harassed the guy, para maging ganito ako ka-ruined. And bakit ako lang yung condemned and vilified?

Ayun lang for today's video.

Sabi ni Airene:

Sana nga. Sabi niya may kilala siyang kinasal nga eh tapos masaya naman. 

 I feel like I'm shrinking. Not at my best atm

 I have to say, a friendship breakup stings a lot more than all romantic fallouts combined because they're people you truly, purely like and it's like getting punched in the gut out of nowhere. 

I don't think of this every second, and I don't dwell on it so much, but it's there.

Minsan iniisip ko paano pag nadeads na magulang ko. Di pa ako ready sa ganong klaseng gulo. sa totoo lang, bata pa lang ako witness na ako lagi sa gulo—quarry, tenants, etc. I worry their demise would ruin the (more) peaceful life I've made for myself. I hope not. Sa totoo lang, mas gusto ko pang magkanya-kanya na lang kaming tatlo. 

"I find myself in contempt of my own feelings."

Bakit nga ba? Bakit ang hirap i-acknowledge ng vulnerability natin hahahaha

I might've sent this already, but it's the song for the day still ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A summary of what's up:

- I lost a friend. No she didn't die. We just drifted apart and she wouldn't tell me what's up. This is Adi. And I thought we'd be in each other's life for a long time.

- I voted, and I don't like the unofficial election results

- I deactivated my IG as well because Mother's Day is a pain

- I lost that new friend I started speaking to

- I drunk messaged a workmate who I sometimes like and sometimes don't.

It's the first three that hurt the most. 

I recreated Mikay's recipe last time. That's just hotdog and ketchup.

Bukas I'll cook all my potatoes. Aadobohin ko.

I feel numb tbh. 

 proof of life 

 Dreamt two days ago that Bebu gave birth to 3 pups lol 

Song!

Someone asked how I've been feeling recently, and I thought I was okay, that I just need to get back to watching my kdramas for my fluff fix, but I realized after watching a few eps of My Liberation Notes that I'm only okay because I hide within my routine. If I didn't have anything to do, I'd lose it for sure. Because right now, despite having something to do, I still don't feel okay. I don't feel like crying, but I feel dead. I constantly get up at 7:15 PM against my will, and work is at 8pm. I've started eating a lot again. I feel bloated lately. 

Clingy alarm clock. But a cutie. 

I've looked up yoni massage, someone is offering that kind of service for free, but I'm not sure if I should take part. 

One part of me thinks it might be just what I need to let go in terms of sex, but another part of me thinks I should just keep to myself for now and not get physical with anybody solely for the sake of fulfilling empty desires. 

I haven't made up my mind yet. 

One more song. 

I really feel drained and sad lately.

 I feel sad. 

My current favorite. 

 

I got a haircut. 

My current favorite song.

 

Bahala ka hot ako today kanta mo oo

I cleaned my room today yehey.

Mamamatay na lang ba akong single? Hahahahhaa sige fine I will take this time to focus on myself fine siguro hinihintay lang ng universe na magsimula na akong mag exercise bago ako bigyan ng lovelife
 

 I went to the Leni-Kiko rally. I wish I get COVID but with no severe symptoms. I've been talking to someone. I've been feeling meh. I've been doing badly at work 

 All I can tell you is that I feel sad. I've been listening to Christmas songs. No questions. 

I had to laugh when that auto-populated because I was just about to search the same exact thing.

Here's your song, well it's the song playing in my head nonstop for days now. 

Good morning.

I enjoyed this morning. I liked my quick morning walk after work.

I also did something I never was able to for years. It felt uplifting to be able to look at my body, respect it, and be accepting of it. Don't get me wrong—I'm aware that I am fat, but my self-image has somehow improved enough for me to humor myself about how my belly fat looks like a smiling Gaten Matarazzo from Stranger Things, or how I look like the women in Renaissance paintings, despite having read that the models used for those paintings were male models. Lol. I don't hate my body so much that I can make fun of myself in a non self-deprecating manner.

I also don't feel the need to whiten my skin anymore. And I think that while I'm fat, with my dark red lippie, I am more than fuckable. I can still be desirable. I am pretty (wtf) and even more so when I'm happy and smiling. I will not show you pictures because you're a stranger and I'm not that stupid but my weight ranges between 55-60 kg and my height is 4'11" so gasul talaga but you know what, I'm not despicable. 

 Nag jump rope ako today. Sana panindigan ko. I need to set a sched. Hahahahha

 I wish my self worth isn't as tied in to work like it is now, pero eto na e. I still feel like shit. Nagbasag ako ng stuff. I want to punch a wall.

I abhor being incompetent and not being good at shit.

Your song. 

 I'm really starting to feel sad again 

 Hello

 Not sure if getting a bigger bed feels good. I actually feel like crap these days, but I don't think anyone (else) has to know. It's because I'm doing badly at work. Kaya rin ayoko na lang pag-usapan.

I'm so glad may sariling mundo ang mga tao—saves me from a lot of embarrassment. I wore very short shorts kasi, di ba ready butt cheeks kong ma-expose please.

But there they are.

Some people forget I'm not supposed to carry their hearts for them, that when I lift it sometimes, it's only to help them help themselves a little, but not fully take their load for them? Idk. I feel a little iffy honestly about how when I ask, I always get the short end of the stick. I guess, iniipon ko na lang hanggang sa mapuno na lang ako. Like? Yung bisitahin man lang ako hindi magawa when she lives across me?

Though, benefit of the doubt nga na baka may pinagdadaanan, pero ako rin naman? 

Tapos biglang may ganito and for what? Anywayyyyy. Di ko naman siya pinaplastik, hinahayaan ko ngang mag-unfold ang mga bagay-bagay over time and then decide by then. 

I don't feel like we're on the same page nor are our values aligned? Ayun. Buti na lang, mahal ko sarili ko so hindi ko hahayaang ma-exhaust ako. 

Anyway, namedropping time, yung suspetsa ko nung nakaraan ay si Miss Rina girl. LOL pero pwede namang hindi. Anyway. Kebs na lang talaga kung sino ka. Salamat sa pagsubaybay sa talambuhay ko teh hahaha :) 

If I can be honest, I don't feel the need to tell her how I feel these days anymore. I don't feel like I can still trust her anymore. I sorta looked up breadcrumbing in friendships and it adds up. See:

Man. So many plans that we didn't push thru with, tapos naisip ko lang, ako pa yung parang nasa mali kasi ang atat ko sobra na nagseset ako ng dates or para akong nagseset ng deadline or nagmamadali kahit hindi naman dapat? That's how it is when you want to see people, isn't it?

Ewan. 

 Napagsabihan ako ng isa kong friend na kalmahan ko lang daw and wag daw ako laging g na g kung wala namang deadline, pero parang... Kalma lang ako sa lagay na to. Tapos sabi rin ng boyfriend niya (si Adi to), ako raw yung tipo ng person na nagmamadali daw lagi kahit wala namang dapat pagmadalian. 

Hindi ko rin alam. Pero sa totoo lang kalma lang ako sa lagay na ito, hindi pa ito yung nagmamadali ako kasi kung nagmamadali ako, hindi na nila ako mahahagilap bilang ang langayan nila haha ayun nga rin may moments din naman akong ganun pero so far this year parang mas madaming times na ako ang nasa short end of the stick HAHAHAHA

ampanget hahaha pero ehh 

Good song!

Parang yung naririnig mo sa UV. Lol. Which is parang ganun na nga! Alam mo may speculation ako kung sino ka LOL na hindi si Ryan or kung sinumang ni-namedrop ko na dito. Di ko na inenamedrop. Pero kung ikaw man yon nahihiya ako LMAOOOOOOOOO TEH ANONG NAKIKITA MO DITO. Pero salamat ha. Di ko in-eksfeck. Para akong may guardian angel akakakak

Kung hindi pa rin ikaw yon, e di ehhehehe maganda na rin. I don't think gusto ko nga malaman kung sino ka talaga HAHA

I've been selling my stuff, baka gusto mong bumili lol

May binebenta akong kutson, motorcycle helmet, mesa, atsaka rack. 

Please. Gusto ko nang magdeact ulit kasi.

In other news, I had a weird dream earlier. There was this guy who I was lying in bed with and he was talking to me about his job, and he even told me na pinag-isa na raw talaga officially and Region 4-A at 4-B and it has something to do with NCR. Para raw mas clear yung distinction na southern talaga ang Region 4 IDK how that makes sense, legit panaginip ko lang to. Tapos PG-13 stuff, nothing gross. Then I thankfully woke up 

I hope my dog is doing okay right now. 

 And this, my friend, is probably why yesterday is tagged as April Fool's Day because sike! I still think if someone else comes along and I can never be with Ryan like that, then it can never be anyone else either. I'd rather die an old maid lol

"I'll start taking things at face value, that's what I mean by moving on. I deserve better than whatever this is I've subjected myself to."

I say this because I do deserve better, but at the same time, I'm also aware this is a choice I made on my own.

But do I love you any less? Not really.

Minsan, binabalikan ko 'tong ginawa kong 'to, at natatawa pa rin ako. I have to admire my own guts. Lol.

I'm back to wondering who you are.

I'll be moving today, and nakakatamad.

 I'll start taking things at face value, that's what I mean by moving on. I deserve better than whatever this is I've subjected myself to.

Im fucking beat but cannot sleep gnit