I am so tired. My body feels bruised all over. My mind is dead. Trying to feel better with an electric blanket.

Good quote: Mas masahol pa sa bobo ang bobong nagmamarunong.

I don't feel like I exist. I feel like I am too big for the life I have and I don't like who I am or the life I live.

 The entire way to work feels like a walk or shame, but I power through taking every next step. Today is another one of those when I don't feel that I exist or shouldn't, at least.

I feel like whoever I was supposed to be is bigger than this life I'm contained in. I just don't like who I am. I hate myself so much. I really hate myself. I fucking hate myself. 

Is it a backhanded compliment when someone tells you to try something new because there are others who made it with far less qualifications?

I may be wrong but it reminds me of when my aunt called me an underachiever and I took it to mean that I was being called some type of achiever until I understood the word, which just proved her point. 

Right now, it feels to me like I'm being told to try, not in an encouraging way, but without any concern at all because it doesn't matter what I do and because, "people who are less qualified do and win anyway."

 Proof of life yehey

"May mga gabing hindi ka maililigtas ng malaking sagot. Minsan, ang humihila sa'yo pabalik ay isang maliit na abala."

~***~

In other news, my partner has become more proactive about sex but I wish this happened earlier, before I changed. Now, this feels awkward because I don't feel the same way anymore 🥲 I also don't want to shut it down because I want to see whether this is just a phase or not, but I have to say, I'm a little scared kasi it's different from what I've been used to.

I want to know whether this is gonna be our normal or not.

The recent shooting in the Senate building makes me wonder about the future of the Philippines. After BBM's term, would the Doo-thirty administration come out on top and take over the next presidential elections? I'm prolly just in denial right now. 

I bet pakiramdam ng mga sympathizers nila na martyrs si Batwo and Doo-thirty. I think of my relatives in Davao.

I'm suppressing any deep emotions and thoughts about this because I'll feel hopeless otherwise.

***

In other news, I have the biggest crush on Ahn Hyo-Seop 🥳💖

Mahalin mo ako please 😫 Sana may jowa sya kasi gusto kong kiligin. Ang interesting nya and pogi as a person (or his persona at least)

***

I'm listening to Kanye's JESUS IS KING at the moment and I feel lukewarm towards the album pero kaninang umaga, I was reminded of Jordan Ward so I listened to some songs from his old album and grabe, that takes me back... I can't say it was a fully good time pero hindsight is 20/20. Who would've thought that was already the better part of my life and things could still get worse? Right now, it feels like I'm even more so on survival mode than before. 

***

Klaire, a dear old friend, put out a Substack entry and ang amusing lang na ang relevant for me nga, with the recent visit to Calaca and all.

Anyway, di ko nakuha baptismal certificate ko at di rin tanda ng tatay ko saan ako bininyagan but I got these instead: 

St. Therese, Kinder 1

Don Bosco, Prep school 

Tuition dati, grabe!

Eto na lang muna siguro. Bye!

Last weekend means so much to me as far as my relationship with Matt goes.

It was a very sad trip tho. 

No other photos than these ones below.

 

It was a sad trip. Details to follow once I've fully processed my feelings. 

In other news, here: May 2026 - I'll add more to this playlist when I find more songs I like :) 

Anyway may batang kumausap sa akin kasi gusto nya rin ng tamagotchi na bigay ni Matt hehe

Ansaya mag-emote pauwi

Hindi titigil ang mundo para makahabol ako

~***~

Messages taken out of context

I have to say, I'm happy na nakapagligpit ako konti sa kwarto ko. I hope this keeps up.

Medyo nervous ako about next month kasi nakita ko mga nasa comment section ng event and puro mga Tito andon tapos mag-isa lang ako pupunta. Will I enjoy myself? 🤷

~***~

Random Snaps

~***~

Not sure if you missed this, but I never stopped making them lol: April 2026

 I feel like shit 

All the jokes sound the same and nothing's funny anymore. 

"People often fall out of love when they are depressed because they no longer feel connected to themselves and their partner," says licensed therapist Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, ACS. "Depression creates a fog around us that does not allow us to see or feel clearly, which can cause us to feel that no one loves us, we feel or don’t have the energy to love and give, or feel overall numb and disconnected."

Could this be why I feel unfulfilled in this relationship? Maybe I'm just depressed.

I think this is good enough reassurance for now.

gusto ko iumpog ulo ko sa mesa ko 

yan ang aking daily intrusive thought

 mga instrusive thoughts ko kanina:

"what if sabihin ko walang tubig sa bahay so di ako makaligo"

"sana wala kong masakyan tas makikiusap akong mag wfh this shift"

"SL?"

"lock out ko kaya pc ko...."

May share ako. Hindi pa naman ako super desidido. Iniisip ko sigurong makipag-usap this weekend.

Ngayong nag-iisip ako, like wala namang point in keeping this up. Nung una, okay lang sa akin kasi di kami mayaman so fine. Ngayong nakaluwag kami, ang dami pa ring dahilan. Yung iba nga, nakakalabas naman kahit walang pera.

Nauumay ako sa routine namin.

And hindi din naman 'to para sabihing mali siya. Ganun lang talaga siya as a person, and ganito lang din talaga ako.

Nagkikita kami, pero ano ba yung tumunganga lang kami sa may seaside ba. Feeling ko kasi pag nagkikita kami, hindi nga kami ma-cellphone pero laging media consumption? Where are the conversations? Hindi ko nararamdamang lumalawak pag-iisip ko. Parang wala na siyang nacocontribute sa akin as a person, not that anyone needs to. Pero parang this life isn't serving me, alam mo yun?

I know you can never know someone completely pero I don't feel like we're getting to know each other anymore.

Siguro may problema din ako kasi di pa ako solid as a person, siguro kasi nagbago din naman ako. Pero I want to feel seen and I don't feel like he does.

And medyo TMI to, pero nagka dry spell kasi kami and we broke that streak recently, but I felt numb throughout and obviously didn't enjoy it. Para lang akong uminom ng tubig, mas enjoyable pa nga atang uminom ng tubig.

Willing naman sana ako to let this pass, if phase nga lang talaga 'to, pero I don't see us getting out of this. It'll come and go, then come up again. 

Napapaisip ako kasi napapagiliran ako ng yappers (Ron, kawork onshore, at ng jowa ko) 

Parang nawawala na yung pagkatao ko, parang nagshishrink na talaga ako lalo na kay Matt. Parang laging gusto niya nagdidikta sa buhay ko. 

• ‌can't get a dog
• can't watch movies I like‌ kasi laging gusto nya
• can't go out kasi ayaw niya
• low maintenance na jowa

kaya minsan talaga di na ako motivated ibigay mga gusto nya. naeexcite ako dati pero ngayon di na. I'm not excited to do it even for the selfish reason of getting something in return. yes, i know i should be discussing this with him which i already did yung iba and didn't really get anywhere and nag aaway lang kami and ako yung nagmumukhang kontrabida for wanting kasi he's gonna be him, and im gonna be me. 

Naasar ako dun sa sinabi niyang iniisip nya daw isurprise ako kaso di daw sya sure kung magugustuhan ko LOL sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa na okay lang naman sa akin pero I think sinasabi nya lang yun para palusot na he thought about it pero he's treading carefully. And sapat na yung naisip nya yun kasi it's the thought that counts. Lagi siyang magsasabing mag unwind kami, and gets kong di naman para lagi kaming lumabas diba pero taena patay na utak at kaluluwa ko sa trabaho ko and I really want new experiences with him pero di mangyari.

Mahal ko naman yung tao pero pakiramdam ko talaga, mas lalong namamatay ako as a person.

Anong interest ko? Anong hobbies ko? Do people still perceive me as a person? Kasi I don't anymore.

It was so much better when I was sad. And I say this kasi dati may ginagawa pa ako. I don't dismiss the possibility that I'm romanticizing those times din.

Whatever this is is just as awful. Every phase of my life is too much of the same thing, I guess, that's why it's unbearable.

I have to live my life and not lose sight of who I am. Matt's gonna live his life, while I'm not living mine.

True Story

The dream wasn't even anything special, it was just about me coming in late for work.

Two of my managers are already seated on one side of the conference table. 

While I take my place across them, I catch Paolo do a double take, hurriedly stealing glances of me and then his watch, as if to make sure his eyes aren't lying, that I really have just gotten in. 

Jhoanna is none the wiser. Yet. All her attention is on her computer screen and she types away.

I don't catch the whole thing, but I hear Paolo say something along the lines of, "Late ba talaga yan during this very critical period?" Naturally, this steals away Jhoanna from whatever she's doing and she finally looks at me.

"Oo, kasi di ko naman talaga deserve 'yung mga ganun," I respond in her stead.

She scoffs and says something I can't recall anymore.

Paolo asks something I've heard one too many times, in many shapes and forms: "Is there no other excuse?"

It is my turn to focus on my screen. I frantically check for timestamps of my recent chats or if I sent any emails while I was talking about work with the other folks before logging in. "Give me a sec, I'm going over Teams to look for timestamps."

I follow up with, apparently, a silly question. "Can't I use my timestamps from 5pm?"

"Does she know that's [some made-up term in my dream that means I disobeyed the rules again]?" Paolo says as he turns to Jhoanna with an incredulous look on his face.

I think they said some more stuff but I can't really remember what they are right now. I was trying to write everything properly before this part of my dream. Being made to face my self-destructive tendencies this early in the day is as jarring as downing an espresso shot.

Their gazes from earlier still burn through my skin, as if I had been cut open and they are peering through my insides and yet I'm finding that not being looked at burns even more so.

My very real and very loud alarm clock rings. I stop for maybe less than a second to decide whether I should leave or stay here.

The clock says it is just 6:58 pm, but work isn't until 9.

 I feel resentment towards my boss. I'm very sad these days.

Eto na lang nagpasaya sa akin.

May iniisip ako for March next year.

• Nakabili ng relo
• Nakabili ng kwintas
• Nagpa-adjust ng salamin
• Nag enjoy sa quesadilla
• Nanood movie
• Nakabili batteries ng camera
• Napagana camera!!

Grabe so productive