I feel sad. Delayed din period ko. Sana datnan na ako. That may also be why I feel this way. I feel dead. Parang nabuburnout ako ulit. Birthday ko na pala next week.
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Natatawa ako sa papa ko.
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Current favs
This run:
Welcome to my humble abode, where corny jokes and thoughts abound! Fake laughter and sympathy are very much appreciated.
Dear Diary, today reinforces talaga to KEEP CALM NA ABOUT SA CRUSH NA ITO. I must retreat!!
So tumunganga ako don sa usual area ko during lunch then nakita kong dun siya tumambay sa harap ng elevator instead na sa tabi ko. Like, huhu. Iniiwasan ako ng crush ko ☹️ but it's okay.
Me: it's okay
Also me:
Or baka sa hagdan na lang ako ulit tumiwangwang, nag-improve naman reception don.
At dahil diyan, magwowork from home na ako every Tuesday and Thursday para mawala na ako sa landas nya. Not to be a sad girl or anything, I just don't wanna be a nuisance like that. Baka nakakahalata na rin siya. Yikes. Papansin tayo but we are not desperate 😬
Natatawa ako kasi madami naman palang fangirls ang crush ko. I feel less weird about it. Ang tawag sa club namin ay P**** M***** Happy Crushers Club dahil happy crush namin siya. Oo, ako na nag decide sa name hahaha
Naaaning ako slight – nagbabasa ka ba dito, crush q? 👀 Kung ganun ay kausapin mo na ako HAHAHAHA jk
Nah, I know coincidence lang ito. Una, dun ako nakapwesto sa locker area nila so natural magku-krus talaga landas namin. We had the chance to talk nung weekend hang but didn't so no, we will not be delusional 🫠 plus nagsmile siya (slightly?) kay Erika haha if anything baka si Erika pa bet nun wahahaha kebs
In other news, so eto na nga. May crush ako diba tapos may nakakadiri akong nalaman about someone else na ka-account ko like YUCKKKK kasi he hits up girls and may schedule siya PER GIRL like wtf. Karapatang pantao mong lumandi pero keep it in your pants naman sana sa office (except kay crush - hello, i am available hehe). Apparently, he's already messaged about more than 5 girls na YUCK TALAGA
I bet if I spoke up, they'll be like, inggit ako kasi they don't ✨desire✨ me. Seriously, I already know how their minds work. Been there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Going back, may crush ako pero grabe nakaka-discourage kasi I am reminded how men are.
Anyway, current fav
Midnight Sky - Icee Red & G Bliz
Ako naman I can't keep my mouth shut, alam na nina Aj at ni Delmo kung sino crush ko wahaha natatawa ako sa stupid kong question kay Jhoanna:
Bigla kong naalala Tumblr account ko kasi naalala ko SoundCloud ng crush ko (cute nya lol) AND NAGCI-CRINGE AKO SA SARILI KO LOL KADIRIIII
Dear diary, today was a weird day kasi I had so many encounters with my crush 🥰 so happy na makita siya nang maraming beses today hehe parehas ulit kaming naka gray kasi naghoodie ako lol I cheated. Naka blue talaga ko. So high school energy and brain of me, but may corner kasi sa work where I stay during lunch kasi hindi malamig and may signal ako unlike sa hagdanan. Sadly naunahan nya ako dun so nahiya ako tumambay kasi baka mukha akong malandi so umiwas ako. Hindi ba pwedeng ako mauna sa spot tapos sumunod na lang siya and magstay or am I being too demanding, universe?
Idk if I'm losing weight?? Hopefully I lose more??
The day was crappy as far as work is concerned but at least it's done now. Plus so many wins nga with my crush yay. Gusto ko nang mag weekend and catch up on rest. I am so, so tired.
Na-realize kong nagkasakit ako now kasi natutuyuan ako ng pawis 😔 so pwede pang hindi maglinis JKKKK maglilinis ngaaaa, wait lang.
Going back kay crush, naisip ko what if mag-work from home din siya. Ano kayang gagawin ko 🤔 sad kasi la na vitamin but it is what it is, happy crush lang naman!
Maliban sa ayoko naman talagang mag work sa bahay currently, pumapasok ako sa office para makasilay LMFAO angas nya eh. We love emotionally unavailable looking guys hahaha I've been wondering if Scorpio ba siya or Sag. Ayon sa aking research 🧐, Sag dapat BUT U NEVER KNOW. Nakakahiya mga pinagsasabi ko dito hahahahhaahhaha ang stalker ko korek my bad + may jowa nga daw yung tao ayon sa ating Star Patroller na si AJ.
If Scorpio siya, chef's kiss. If Sag, chef's kiss pa rin kasi biased ako sa kanya, hindi sa sign nya 🤣 Part of me wonders if they're annoyed at me because I'm annoying. I feel like his crowd gives me annoyed looks bc true. Resting annoyed face din kasi siya eh pero kebs, I guess.
I can only "kebs" my way through life.
Reconnected with Delmo and he said it was nice to have a friend he could talk about feelings and be vulnerable with. GUYS THAT WAS ME, IM THE FRIEND. HUMAN CONNECTION!! I AM MORE THAN THIS BORING LIFE!! I DO SOMETHING FOR OTHER PEOPLE TOO!
Stuff
Posting this a few moments after nag appear view count mo on the previous entry haha
Anw, omg sudden realization - someone said contagious laughter ko SO NOW MAY SAKIT AKO FOR REAL PARA TOTOONG NAKAKAHAWA. LALA NG SENSE OF HUMOR NG COSMOS AH (yes ya girl's aware she hasn't been taking care of herself but I'm still partially in denial that I have to change something abt how I operate bc WDYFM i must disrupt my routine or lack thereof????!!!!!!!????)
But also, there's your update–Ive been feeling unwell since Sunday 😭 di ko alam bakit. I rly shd do a general cleaning sa bahay hehe 😭😭😭 ayaw
I could hire someone BUT ayoko ring magpapasok ng tao into my personal space PERO 😭 😭 I GUESS KUNG NAKITA NA NG LAUNDROMAT DILDO KO WHATS THE WORSE THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ME–GET FUCKED? Approved, please expedite (sexually ha hindi anything else give me peace pls). Haha horndog posting much. I'll get over it.
I've been reading back my old entries and wow I rly miss having thoughts. Operation ibalik ang aking spark wahoo. Alam mo, I want to hug my past self. I'm happy di ako nagcicringe abt who Ive been (nagyaya to get with someone when we hit 35??) tanggap ko nang nagawa at nasabi ko na silang lahat haha pero duh di naman para broadcast ko siya so much. Low-key lang, like link it sa ig acct where nobody follows me pero shares the same display pic as ALL active socmed accts I have wink wink
I NEED WHIMSY IN MY SYSTEM. I NEED TO BRING BACK MY WHIMSY.
WHIMSY
GLITTER
LOVE
HAPPY
MAGSABOY NG GLITTER SA DAAN
SUMAYAW MAG ISA SA BAHAY WOO
Oldie but goodie, love my old self's music taste haha current one needs to develop her taste ulit.
Never succumbing to spelling ulit as ulet or pangit as panget. NO, NEVER.
wow ito pala laman ng utak ko when I let the thoughts flow freely. Will my brain ever stop. Wow ito pala secret dapat free flowing lang. Noted po. Okay hope this works para lumikot na utak ko. Live laugh love. Love and light. Love you laufey
Past Athena, thanks for looking out for future Athena. I love you, girl.
gnite
Update, why does costar make it seem like may secret admirer ako be fucking for real te haha genuinely
Also I failed sa sudoku game at work last nite so sad. Nawala na rin name ng crush ko sa top 9 haha did he also fail like me yie otp. I flew too close to the sun, aimed for the highest level of difficulty AND FAILED NUNG SOBRANG CLOSE KO NA LIKE LAST TILE(?) NA LANG IDIOT
Hello reader bakit ang bilis mo magbasa. Give me 2 hrs after posting naman kasi nag-e-edit pa ako hahaha or better yet talk to me IRL HAHAHAHAHHAHA chariz
Loooooord ansaya naman magka-crush
1. Same color suot namin nitong shift (madaming ibang naka-gray din tho LOL)
2. He was behind me in line nung bumili ako food and I heard his laugh
Although, tama sila na a crush is just a lack of information. Also nakakahiya kasi nakita nya pathetic kong Maya card 🤣 sabi ng mga stars, dapat daw mag-first move ako kaso pano 🫠
CRUSHHHHHH KAUSAPIN MO AKO PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MATATAMEME (matatameem) AKOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Addendum (?)
Sinend ng ex ko:
What if mag Pokemon Go na nga lang ako para makapaglakad? 🤔 Or Pikmin??
Maybe there's nothing wrong with sitting down with my feelings and admitting that I really felt deprived and starved sa relationship ko. Nothing against my ex, I just tolerated things that I didn't want. Binalikan ko last call namin, and I remember wishing he doesn't give up on love habang ang sabi niya sa akin eh mas maging parang assertive ako about the things I want... Things which I've told him about right off the bat.
I want to be treated like a girl, yun lang. I think I'm low-maintenance but I still want to feel like a girl. Nakita ko 'tong Thread na 'to and boy do I relate.
Nag-install ako ng TikTok para sana sa liveselling ng officemate ko kaso nakita ko following list ng ex ko, puro mga babaeng ma-boobs. Napakasagwa dahil nakita ko yan haha pero in a way, I feel validated na I made the right decision. Tangina, buti nga nakipaghiwalay ako. Wala na talagang balikan 'to.
I've been doing surprisingly well these days. I really must've checked out of the relationship before we even broke up.
Pero ikatlo kasi, nakita ko cringe kong videos na ginawa FOR FREAKING WORK. Awat na please.
Stumbled upon this on Threads which made me realize it'll take a while before I open up again the way I did with Matt 🤣 Highly doubtful I'll be dating around next year
I wish I could sell myself like that. I just don't find myself attractive. Am very happy for them. I've had my time, had a good four-year run. Oks na siguro yun. For now. As for when I feel the need to be totnak-ed, it shall pass. 🤷 It's not like it was ever frequent when I was committed, so I'm sure I'll live.
Napapaisip ako how I survived the last time I was single.
Seeing older women thrive brings me so much hope and makes me believe I have a chance at a better life.
Yesterday marks the first day I haven't begged you for anything. I was also too busy at work, anyway.
Song on repeat today: 4 Seasons of Loneliness - Boyz II Men
Dami ko readers nung nakaraan, ha. I wonder who you all are. Well, thanks for wasting your time on this tiny, irrelevant space on the internet.
There's someone in the office whom I've dreamt of twice na. Ok fine, si crush yun.
First dream, I was seated on the floor in front of the lockers habang siya galit na nagro-roll call. Don't ask me why he's pissed, idk either. Mukha naman siyang nonchalant/chill in real life. (Yup, ya girl has a thing for emotionally unavailable-looking men it's already a kink at this point).
Second dream, which was last night, I dreamt kung anong ginagawa niya sa suite nila when he's not in my line of sight. Like, kung paano siya mag-work, ganun. In my dream, parang quality analyst siya and taga-point out ng discrepancies. Bagay kami CHARIZ.
I've been seeing him more frequently in real life, too, and I'm not sure if it's the universe humoring me for the moment out of sympathy or if it's because I've finally allowed myself to take notice.
I'm not sure what to make of this, I've decided and am trying to de-center men from my life pa naman. I'm pushing myself to think na ang daming babaeng mas kapansin-pansin before me kaya I shouldn't even be delusional about it. Kay Alex pa lang, stop the car na LOL.
I'll admit, medyo nagpapapansin ako nung simula pero as of last night, ayoko na. Cringe ko eh. Being loud is not cute, Athena, okay? 🤮 I haven't told anyone about this and I also don't think I'm going to. Nakakahiyang magkagusto sa kanya kasi he's out of my league.
Also naalala ko ha, he almost gave me a heart attack nung una ko siyang nakita EVER kasi PUTANGINA AKALA KO SIYA YUNG DATI KONG NAKA-HOOKUP NA NAG-END IN BAD TERMS. MY GOD.
In other news, birthday ng mama ko today. Natatawa talaga ko dito kasi it's giving Jak Roberto unsint a message. Iniisip ko kung babatiin ko ba.
Anyway, just to make things clear, hindi ako namomroblema. I'm just writing out my thoughts.
Tangina, naalala ko lang. Handwriting nya pala naka-tattoo sa akin. Medyo blard na PERO IT'S THE FACT THAT I KNOW IT'S HIS. ANTANGA KO SO MUCH.
Nung bago
Matt, I fucking miss you. Also realized na I'm so alone na wala na akong emergency contact.
Ang intrusive thought ko for today is i-gargle ang toilet water – don't ask where they're coming from bc idk either. I didn't do it obviously but nasisiraan na ata ko ng bait.
I don't want to be alone but I am isolated.
Sabi ni Matt, I have people from work – wala talaga. It all ends after 5am.
Current favorites
Tonight I miraculously beat the alarm and woke up completely alone in a dark room, on a bed that misses you, with a mental reminder that you won't be calling anymore.
Reality is kicking in; you've cleaned up your Instagram account and removed our shared alarm.
We still love each other. What if we closed the distance between us instead?
I made the call, but I can't let go of you. It's hard to move on.
What if someone was supposed to be selfish, and it wasn't me? What if I needed you to just hold on a bit tighter for the time being? Alam kong ang unfair ko.
I wish you could change for me. I've dreamt of sharing a home with you. Bakit di natin kayang lagpasan 'to? Nakakainggit sina Greg at Janine.
Sa ulo ng mga nagbabagang balita...
Grabe 'di ba LOL. Wonder how much I weigh right this very second. Maybe I should've stopped by to check at work earlier.
I feel weirded out, because I'm at the point where I've lost romantic interest towards my partner. Lately, I feel like I have to be in a specific mood to be intimate and it feels like I don't know how to do it anymore with him. What's worse is that I'm still attracted to other people but don't act on it (of course).
Occasionally, nagpapa-tarot reading na lang ako for further validation na tama pang manatili sa relationship na ‘to; obviously, I still factor in things like stability and the possible cost of whatever choice I plan to make. Minsan kailangan ko lang talaga ng external support. Idk.
Di kami compatible kahit aling horoscope tignan, Chinese o Western. Had to check out Four Pillars of Destiny, olats pa rin.
Nananaig naman common sense ko na syempre pseudoscience ang astrology. Aware ako this whole time, okay? Kaso may mga bagay talaga that make me doubt. Fortunately, my low self esteem also reels me back in. Alam mo, if anything, the weight gain has helped me maintain a sense of morality and keep myself from cheating because I don't have the audacity.
Alam mo feeling ko ginawa akong pangit (or sinadyang hindi maging conventionally attractive, if at all) ng universe kasi the skies had a hunch that if I looked like the way I did, I'd be confident enough to break it off or heck, make immoral choices for selfish reasons. (At the same time aware akong pinabayaan ko sarili ko, okay).
Not my proudest moment, but before ako lumobo, naisip kong makipag-hookup. Nasa malayo naman jowa ko eh, halos 2x a month lang kami magkita. I really would get away with it. Lalo na nung we were starting out pa lang kasi nagawa naman ng ex ko sa akin, ano naman kung gawin ko? Inintindi ko rin talaga utak ko nun kasi nga lagi namang ginagawa ng iba, but do I really want to? Thankfully, di naman pala talaga ako cheater at nananaig pa rin ang tamang pag-iisip sa akin. Ang lala ng loneliness ko nun, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I resorted to that. Yuck, ‘no?
I know it's whether I acted on it or not that really counts, but I didn't want to acknowledge these thoughts or admit it. I've always had these tucked away at the back of my mind until recently.
A huge part of me feels like the relationship isn't serving me anymore.
Before this relationship, my knee-jerk response to inconveniences almost always was to break up. No hesitations. Pero ang hirap now kasi wala namang mali talaga eh. Alam mo yun? Like, we either overcome this or I feel stuck forever.
Also, feeling ko parang ang loser ko if we break up.
Another part of me also feels like ‘eto na talaga yung endgame ko eh, it's just not as great as I expected it to be. Ayoko namang pakawalan tapos wrong move pala. Di rin ako naniniwala sa kung tayo, tayo talaga kasi a relationship takes work, hindi laging destiny-destiny. What if itong pinagdadaanan ko yung "work" na tinatawag? I also remember saying after this guy, if wala talaga, then wala na. It's just not for me.
Siguro hinihintay ko na lang kung ma-overcome ko ba 'to or mauumay na talaga ko.
Di ko keri bumitaw basta-basta kasi walang lantarang mali about the relationship.
Iniisip ko tuloy ngayon, what lesson am I supposed to learn here — asserting myself and my needs or staying resilient lang kasi nga everything in life takes work and effort?
Kasi tanggap ko nang ‘di totoo yung relationships are easy with the right person. Walang right one and tayo ang may control over that.
But when I think about it, I was single for a long time before this relationship and that experience taught me to enjoy being alone. So, if we break up naman, I'll grieve pero life should still go on.
Kaso grabe yung 4 years. Longest relationship ko ‘to. I've never been in a relationship for more than a year until this one. Sunk cost fallacy ba ‘to? Hahaha……… not funny.
Before you blame me for not speaking up, let me stop you right there.
I have communicated my needs but he doesn't have a job right now or the money. Although when he was still employed, it's hard to push him to take me out on dates other than the usual eat out.
Sabi ni ChatGPT, a date could be:
I have acknowledged a lack of appreciation of his efforts on my end in the past but he's right about this issue being a repetitive cycle where I feel dissatisfied, we talk about it, we reach some sort of agreement, and then repeat.
We have talked about possibly having a different understanding or needs within a relationship and it feels like that's where our incompatibility lies.
But more than our potential incompatibility, maybe a lot of this has to do with me. I don't feel desirable enough, and so, I can't accept love. It doesn't matter what he does when I'm also a problem. It's like spraying water in the desert in an attempt to cause a flood. And I'll never be satisfied.
Pero sa totoo lang, he's all I have right now apart from myself and do I really want to live without him? I try to imagine how my days will be if I let go.
Should I subject him to this uncertainty? In hindsight, I feel bad knowing he's at peace while I'm out here feeling unsure about him.
A breakup is the final act of love, both for your partner and yourself. And if I can't decide for my own sake, maybe instead of selfishly thinking of my comfort, it would be easier if I keep in mind that this is unfair to him. We both have a lot of growing to do and, maybe holding on when I'm not even sure about him is keeping us both from moving forward and flourishing.
I know I can live with him as my lifetime companion, but is this still a genuine desire of mine or an idea I’m stubbornly refusing to outgrow?
Ang tagal ko nang pinag-iisipan ‘to.
I just know there's no turning back if I go that route.
I wish I didn't call the shots kasi ang pagod mag-ruminate over this ha.
Sana bigyan ako ng sign. Iniisip ko nang magsimba, sa totoo lang.
I've also already introduced him to my father, and he's been accepting of me and my situation.