Sa ulo ng nagbabagang balita...

• This song has been on repeat this week
• Nasira bag ko, mapipilitan akong bumili ng bago earlier than planned... 🫠
• Lala ng growth (read: expansion/weight gain) ko from when I started 😭

2022

2026

Grabe 'di ba LOL. Wonder how much I weigh right this very second. Maybe I should've stopped by to check at work earlier.

• May crush ako sa office. Siya po ang dahilan ko para mag-break, mag-lunch, tumayo, at overall, hindi sumubsob sa work, and I'll take it. Kakaasar though, because why is he so private online? Like, why can't I do more ✨research✨ until I've had my fill?

To expand on the last one...

I feel weirded out, because I'm at the point where I've lost romantic interest towards my partner. Lately, I feel like I have to be in a specific mood to be intimate and it feels like I don't know how to do it anymore with him. What's worse is that I'm still attracted to other people but don't act on it (of course).

Occasionally, nagpapa-tarot reading na lang ako for further validation na tama pang manatili sa relationship na ‘to; obviously, I still factor in things like stability and the possible cost of whatever choice I plan to make. Minsan kailangan ko lang talaga ng external support. Idk.

Di kami compatible kahit aling horoscope tignan, Chinese o Western. Had to check out Four Pillars of Destiny, olats pa rin.

Nananaig naman common sense ko na syempre pseudoscience ang astrology. Aware ako this whole time, okay? Kaso may mga bagay talaga that make me doubt. Fortunately, my low self esteem also reels me back in. Alam mo, if anything, the weight gain has helped me maintain a sense of morality and keep myself from cheating because I don't have the audacity. 

Alam mo feeling ko ginawa akong pangit (or sinadyang hindi maging conventionally attractive, if at all) ng universe kasi the skies had a hunch that if I looked like the way I did, I'd be confident enough to break it off or heck, make immoral choices for selfish reasons. (At the same time aware akong pinabayaan ko sarili ko, okay).

Not my proudest moment, but before ako lumobo, naisip kong makipag-hookup. Nasa malayo naman jowa ko eh, halos 2x a month lang kami magkita. I really would get away with it. Lalo na nung we were starting out pa lang kasi nagawa naman ng ex ko sa akin, ano naman kung gawin ko? Inintindi ko rin talaga utak ko nun kasi nga lagi namang ginagawa ng iba, but do I really want to? Thankfully, di naman pala talaga ako cheater at nananaig pa rin ang tamang pag-iisip sa akin. Ang lala ng loneliness ko nun, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I resorted to that. Yuck, ‘no?

I know it's whether I acted on it or not that really counts, but I didn't want to acknowledge these thoughts or admit it. I've always had these tucked away at the back of my mind until recently.

A huge part of me feels like the relationship isn't serving me anymore.

Before this relationship, my knee-jerk response to inconveniences almost always was to break up. No hesitations. Pero ang hirap now kasi wala namang mali talaga eh. Alam mo yun? Like, we either overcome this or I feel stuck forever.

Also, feeling ko parang ang loser ko if we break up.

Another part of me also feels like ‘eto na talaga yung endgame ko eh, it's just not as great as I expected it to be. Ayoko namang pakawalan tapos wrong move pala. Di rin ako naniniwala sa kung tayo, tayo talaga kasi a relationship takes work, hindi laging destiny-destiny. What if itong pinagdadaanan ko yung "work" na tinatawag? I also remember saying after this guy, if wala talaga, then wala na. It's just not for me. 

Siguro hinihintay ko na lang kung ma-overcome ko ba 'to or mauumay na talaga ko.

Di ko keri bumitaw basta-basta kasi walang lantarang mali about the relationship.

Iniisip ko tuloy ngayon, what lesson am I supposed to learn here — asserting myself and my needs or staying resilient lang kasi nga everything in life takes work and effort?

Kasi tanggap ko nang ‘di totoo yung relationships are easy with the right person. Walang right one and tayo ang may control over that.

But when I think about it, I was single for a long time before this relationship and that experience taught me to enjoy being alone. So, if we break up naman, I'll grieve pero life should still go on.

Kaso grabe yung 4 years. Longest relationship ko ‘to. I've never been in a relationship for more than a year until this one. Sunk cost fallacy ba ‘to? Hahaha……… not funny.

Before you blame me for not speaking up, let me stop you right there. 

I have communicated my needs but he doesn't have a job right now or the money. Although when he was still employed, it's hard to push him to take me out on dates other than the usual eat out.

Sabi ni ChatGPT, a date could be:

• going somewhere you've never gone together - very rarely and he's hard to request this from
• planning a picnic - I wish but he says it's not doable
• taking a long walk somewhere interesting - we would walk but that's it, guess that counts
• watching something together that neither of you has seen - we always do
• cooking something together - we occasionally do although he does more of the cooking 
• planning a day around something you enjoy - we don't really do anything other than media consumption and talk or laugh about it
• finding a free event - I'd like to say he does look for free events but they're more geared towards his interest. I also don't really have anything specific that I want so I would tag along on the rare occasions we would go.
• surprising you with something small - It pisses me off when he'd say he considered giving me so and so, or that he considered surprising me, and I'm not sure if that's him telling me to low-key be satisfied because it's the thought that counts. Funny, ‘no. To his credit, he has mostly been in charge of planning our labas because I told him straight up that it's hard to plan around his rigidity and I’m scared when he gets pissed about things that don't go right, sometimes due to things outside my control, sometimes due to poor planning on my part. He acknowledged this naman.
• simply taking responsibility for planning the date instead of waiting for you to initiate - He does this.

I have acknowledged a lack of appreciation of his efforts on my end in the past but he's right about this issue being a repetitive cycle where I feel dissatisfied, we talk about it, we reach some sort of agreement, and then repeat.

We have talked about possibly having a different understanding or needs within a relationship and it feels like that's where our incompatibility lies. 

But more than our potential incompatibility, maybe a lot of this has to do with me. I don't feel desirable enough, and so, I can't accept love. It doesn't matter what he does when I'm also a problem. It's like spraying water in the desert in an attempt to cause a flood. And I'll never be satisfied.

Pero sa totoo lang, he's all I have right now apart from myself and do I really want to live without him? I try to imagine how my days will be if I let go.

Should I subject him to this uncertainty? In hindsight, I feel bad knowing he's at peace while I'm out here feeling unsure about him. 

A breakup is the final act of love, both for your partner and yourself. And if I can't decide for my own sake, maybe instead of selfishly thinking of my comfort, it would be easier if I keep in mind that this is unfair to him. We both have a lot of growing to do and, maybe holding on when I'm not even sure about him is keeping us both from moving forward and flourishing. 

I know I can live with him as my lifetime companion, but is this still a genuine desire of mine or an idea I’m stubbornly refusing to outgrow? 

Ang tagal ko nang pinag-iisipan ‘to.

I just know there's no turning back if I go that route.

I wish I didn't call the shots kasi ang pagod mag-ruminate over this ha.

Sana bigyan ako ng sign. Iniisip ko nang magsimba, sa totoo lang.

I've also already introduced him to my father, and he's been accepting of me and my situation.

Thanks for wasting your time.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯