It's interesting how everyone thinks they're the main characters of their own stories and think we're all just doing the right and best thing we can given our circumstances. Naisip ko lang. 

Ang lesson natin today is to shut up. Never again. I do not want drama. Huhuhu, gosh. Eto na huli. Lol. Ayoko na tanginang yan. 

Sisterhood is amazing. 

If you've been completely brainwashed, then you should know by now that male-female romantic relationships are doomed to fail—

Men aren't wired to be soft and emotional, and women have always been taught that romance is the norm in all good relationships.

The entire journey is a matter of going against what has been ingrained in our heads. 

Okay ang dapat kong igoogle is paano maging jowa ng unromantic na jowa. 

I hate my bday. Hahaha. Wala akong maisip na magawang masaya nun, wala ding maisip si Matt. Magmumukmok na lang guro ako. Pinag-iisipan ko pa rin yung kay Gianna. It would be nice to be made to feel special on days like that, or even at all. I don't feel special to my boyfriend. Hahahaha. I'm just tired of not receiving the same energy. 

I'm all for being great friends with your significant other, but it's a bit too early for us to be acting like a long-term couple right now when we haven't been together for a year. He never bothers to try thinking. What sets me apart from his friends? He comes here? Yeah, and when he doesn't? Anong difference namin sa friends with benefits with this? 

Para ba akong walang interest kaya ganun ako kahirap bigyan? Kasi nakikinig ako sa'yo tas dun ako kumukuha ng ideas. Baka nga hollow akong tao. Tangina, nagsabi nga ako last year na kahit unan lang eh. Hahaha la pa rin. 

Kung kinaya nya para sa iba, di na nya kaya para sa akin? It's not like I want it all the time. Di na nya ako tinutweet, di na siya nagsasabing he wants to fuck me. 

Matt said he misses me. Hindi ko alam bakit, pero parang nainis lang ako. Hindi ako naniniwala. Hahaha. Okay naman kami, pero parang nairita lang ako dun.

Anyway, ang weird ng dream ko. Nanaginip akong parang nasa kulto ako tapos may ginagawa kami para yung existing na pera sa laro ma-convert namin into real money, di ko sure if nagnanakaw ba kami ng identity, but it's illegal stuff. Tapos nagpool party daw kami nung mga kasama ko kaso abusado daw sila kasi iniwan nila akong mag-isang nagliligpit.

I miss you ka pa nga hahaha o tamo active now naman pero wala hahaha oh well akoy matutulog na lang

Priority nya pala pamilya nya. Magda-dalawang taon na siya sa work nya and never nya pang nalilibre silang kumain sa labas. You know what? I can't fault him for that. I get it. Money really is a big issue huh. 

Matthew wag magbasa ng diary challenge

Eme I don't think he does it's just that I'm not sure why but he just gets it hahaah see? This is why I love him this is so much he shouldn't even be doing this but I'm thankful for it. It does help. 

I'm not sure if I believe in God yet, but there's only that to thank, and I'm thankful for Matt.

Anyway nanaginip ako kagabing nagsimba daw ako pero late na ako dumating, as in pag upo ko nagsipalakpakan na mga tao tapos nakita daw ako mama ni Matthew tapos thank goodness nagising akong kabado haha tas nagmanhid ulit tas nag-improve mood ko ngayon. 

He doesn't have to do this, I swear. I love him regardless. Hindi ko naman ihahanay sarili ko sa pamilya nya or even make it a choice between me and them, I'm all for him pampering his family first. I wish I have that nga rin eh, but I can only remain at a distance from mine so 🥲

I feel abandoned and left out, I guess. I feel patronized when my boss apologized for not being around so much recently. She shouldn't have apologized, imo. I know she means well, that's why I'm not taking it against her. It just felt like rubbing salt on the wound. I always know naman na she's busy so it's not even that big of a deal. Siguro gumatong lang siya sa upsetting feeling ko. Tapos nag-usap kami about how we always do stuff for everyone in the team when there's an occasion, which I like! Pero may mali. They never did that for me. Kaya I feel like a middle child.

I tried to talk with Kuya Jasper about something I was sad about back then, pero I don't think he really understood when I tried opening up kaya I didn't proceed further na lang. Felt like I was shrugged off lang din.

Oo, ang petty talaga nito.

No one really does things like that for me. I just have myself. Natatawa akong isipin ngayon kasi nagcall kami ni Matt, tapos nung sinabi kong I'll just be self-sufficient, sabi niya di niya gusto yun. I'm not fully sure if he's only referring dun sa pinakakinaiinisan nyang nangyayari or in general ba, pero natawa lang akong umangal siya dun sa sinabi ko about being independent, when everytime, I'm just forced to be this way. I've been neglected a lot, so I've had to make do with it.

I'll do my best to never cry in front of him or let him hear it. After that bad fight, sorry pero dala-dala ko pa rin yun. I still feel like I'll only be mocked. 

I've been feeling so so sad lately. I don't know how to turn it around. 

Nabastusan din ako dun sa nangyari last time and the lack of acknowledgement, kaya yeah. Ayoko munang mag-elaborate. Ayokong pumasok, honestly. 

I feel sad. I feel like a middle child. No one does things for me just because. No "hey this reminded me of you" stuff. I'd love to elaborate further, pero ayoko na. I'm not solely talking about my romantic relationship. 

Elo. Ako'y tinotoyo lang pala. Masayang maligo at kumain. 

I think I'm just the safe choice. 

He doesn't desire me like that. I don't care for porn consumption, because I do too. But when it sucks desire out of you that's supposedly for your partner? Yeah, that sucks.

Sawa na siya sa akin. He's only here because he's honoring our commitment, which I appreciate, but I don't feel like he truly, truly loves me still. 

He's scared of me. I don't believe he still desires me. I'm just a routine.

Ang daya. I feel immensely sad. 

Gets ko na hahahaha I love Matt and we're ok but like katulad ngayon, iniisip nyang manood sa sinehan mag-isa and I'm all for that too but I wish maisip nya ding manood "kami". Ganun. I want to do those things too. Pero eh. Napapaisip lang ako kasi may nag-aaya sa aking mag-Mt. Pulag. Originally, mga bandang Komiket dapat sya kaso for some reason, yung sched ng akyat, malapit na sa birthday ko. I want to spend that with Matt din, kaso mukhang wala naman kaming balak. Busy din naman siya sa work ata nun. Hindi ko rin siya maaya sa Komiket kasi ewan. Ayokong nang ayain si Matt hahaha. Siguro yung mga ganyang ganap pang birthday nya lang. I mean gumagastos na lang din naman kami kasi. Ni ayaw nya akong samahan sa SM magpagawa ng salamin para makalabas man lang. Ayaw niya maglakad sa labas onti para mangukay. Like there are things to do, there can be places to explore. We don't have to spend so much, wherever is always quality time naman with him, don't get me wrong. Masaya din naman ako pag nasa loob kami. Pero la lang. Like ano yun, di naman nya ata ako kinakahiya. Alam ko namang hindi. Pero yung ganitong kilos kasi, pang ganung galawan kasi yun. 

Siguro kasi buong buhay ko nagkukulong ako kaya gusto ko sanang lumabas with someone I want to. Hindi ako galit or upset at all. Napapaisip lang. Siguro, sana hindi na lang sana siya ever nagsabi nung mga "gagawin namin 'to, gagawin naman 'yan" kasi nag-expect at na-excite tuloy akong game siya. Nag-aya pa siya dating mag-Baywalk. May pag-build up pa siyang mahilig siyang maglakad. O tuturuan nya akong magbike. 

I'm sure I can do it alone, pero andyan kasi siya eh? I've been doing things alone for a long time now, it would be nice to have the company of someone I love during? Those things aren't even new experiences, but they're new because of him. There'll be new jokes to share, new flops to laugh at, ganun.

We're gonna sleep, we'll have sex, we're going to enjoy, we're going to eat, watch a movie, talk about the movie, maybe make jokes about the movie, we're gonna lie down for a bit and listen to nice songs, it's going to be comfortable, he's gonna go. I might send him off. And that's it till the next one.

I can't say I'm bored because I'm not but I really just want to do something different. I don't want to be bored. 

I mean, he can say bakit di ako magsabi if may plano ako. Lagi naman nyang ayaw. We've never had drinks together. Ang dami pa naming di nagagawa together. Eh. Idk. I can't say it's incompatibility kasi I love Matt I love his mind. I love his person. I love his body. I love his skin. I love his nose. I love his voice. I love his honesty. I love his patience. 

It's really him or no one else. It's more of like I'm just his stuffed toy. 

I mean like fuck, I miss nung PG-13 stuff nya ako in public? I mean it's not solely or mostly the main reason but ugh this isn't weird right

Sana may ma-submit akong poem by Monday. 

Hindi ko gets yung computation ni Matthew dito haha huhu info overload ako. I'm just in love. 

 Kinilig at natawa naman ako dito 

Do you really exist or am I just insane?

He's probably mad. Idek why. I was thinking of him. Ang unfair nitong "he fell first, she fell harder" shit. 

I'm thinking all sort of thoughts like leaving my phone behind when I head to work. Will I survive? 

Idk if he's mad. 

I still feel sick. Man.

Where's the affection. Funny how he says he's a romantic, but can't be like that for his girlfriend. 

Gets ko namang may ebb and flow ang relationships, I'm just tired of wondering if I'm really loved or just tolerated. He can't even say outright if he still wants to be with me or not. When I asked last time, I still had to fill in the blanks myself. He kept pushing the burden of answering to me.

I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself on somebody. I never had to, kaya nga I even left the people I'm related to by blood. Why am I being made to feel this way again... 

I get that I'm insecure and very much so, but I always feel like I'll never live up to the other people he used to love. I'll never be whatever adjective enough, and he's just too casual and doesn't care so much. He can just lose me and not bat an eye. 

I feel like we're just here because I'm the convenient choice. I'll see in a few days if this goes on.

Tomorrow, as in once the clock strikes twelve, would be a year from the day he first asked me out, I just realized. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking too, because I have the time now. 

Okay, you're fast.

I don't care anymore whether you get to read the whole thing or not. 

Here's a song.

And another one. 

Do you really exist or am I just insane? 

I smell like a sick person. 

But you know, I keep thinking about when he said he doesn't like the feeling pag di niya raw nagagawa yung gusto ko. Is that his way of saying he loves me? I don't like the idea na he feels awful, that's driving me nuts din. Ewan ko kung may magandang dulot pa ba ako sa buhay nya. I was lusting after him the entire half of my day yesterday. 

I'll just give him space. I feel like I'm just being a burden. That's what he wants anyway. It's always easy for him to drop me until I can't take it and then spiral, instead of just telling me whether it's because of me or not, even without the specifics. 

Pakiramdam ko, nag-iipon na naman siya ng hinanakit at resentment imbes na pera. 

I'm even worried baka nagbabasa siya dito. I mean, I thought this is where I can dump my unprocessed thoughts? Weren't we supposed to be okay? 

I still see him as worth it. I'm not sure he still feels the same way about me. Maybe this will pass. Maybe this isn't something to take personally. I'll just take it until I can't. Eye-opening din naman yung sinabi niya about letting things go. He needs to lessen that, while I need to learn more of it. 

Okay, so hindi daw ako. 

 Okay last one. It's me. Pinoproject ko kawalan ko ng hobby sa kanya. I mean, yeah, I won't complain if he does anything special. But right now we're okay. Honestly, I should really be okay with this kasi this is what relationships really are on the regular. Hindi laging may mangyayaring special. We talked and he even picked me over the friends he was gonna play with, that means A LOT. I really just wanted his company din. So yeah. I wish makuha ko yung nabanggit ko sa kanya. Ang bilis mo ulit magbasa? 

I still feel sick I keep throwing up.

I'll just keep writing here. Imagine if I told him this immediately? It would've started another fight again that I could've gotten over with on my own

Okay na sinusumpong nga lang ako. Naghahanap na lang ako kasama sa komiket. Or baka secret other plan if keri. Bat ang bilis mo magbasa Im forced to start a new post tuloy emi 

I wonder from time to time tho if my boyfriend would do anything special for me. I should get this off my head kasi I shouldn't expect. He's okay naman eh. But idk. 

Can't hang out and go out and do fun things with anyone. I feel sad. So I waste it all away on food. And whatever. I want to see other people, not the people I see on the daily. I love them too, but ?????

I can't seem to find people to do new and fun things with. What a lonely life. Boyfriend even suggests plans to others that he otherwise wouldn't do with me. I was thinking it felt like I'm just a stuffed toy he hugs when he's in bed or chilling at home, not an entire person to exist with. Okay naman na sana, we had already agreed na there's nothing wrong with staying in. I guess it just sucks na that's all we ever do, and he used to say all the things we could do and try, and we never do it anyway. I get naman though na nakakapagod yung commute palang papunta dito, so di ko alam ano fix. Ako rin naman galing work lol.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten used to things outside of solitude. 

Baka sinusumpong lang din ako. Sana lumipas na 'to. 

I'm also sick. I feel worse. I've had cough syrup but I still don't feel sleepy. I just wish to doze off until it's another day again. I wish for the year to end already. It's tempting to down the whole bottle, honestly. I just don't want to be this wide awake right now.

I'm close to reaching 666 posts.

I'm thinking of deleting all my social media accounts. I don't feel like it would matter anyway. 

 Na-appreciate ko yung pagna-nag ni Andeng sa akin na magpayong ako kasi baka mabinat ako at pati yung pag-offer ni Loys ng wet wipes kasi pawis na pawis daw ako.

Pagod na ako, hays. Pwede pa ba akong mag-rant dito?