Maybe this is it. 

 I think it's better to look into burial stuff for when I die instead of housing. I'm so fucking tired.

Time check 3:03 i should be asleep instead im fucking high 

 Amazed ako kasi 4 days pala akong hindi sumisilip sa main messenger ko (sumisilip ako in case may hanash re: scule & werq)

I don't know if this is a motherforking reach, but if it weren't for this incompetent gov't, maybe my mental health would be in a better state because clinics wouldn't be forced to close for business.

May mga tao talagang mukhang pang-Wong Kar Wai film, ano? Ako mukha akong pang-Philippine comedy, e. Tapos yung tacky kind. Not even Eugene Domingo levels. Or Pokwang. Siguro Vice Ganda quality minus the glitz. Wong Kar Wai film people are beautiful people, I tell you. Ang sarap nilang titigan the whole day. 

Burat.

Life is so shitty. I hate being told na may choice, kasi kung nadadala sa choice lahat, my life won't be as shit. People try, but they can only do so to a certain extent. When the cards you're given are always against you, nakakapagod ding labanan ya know?

I'm so sad. I really don't mind dying.

Nararamdaman kong if mag-work from home setup ako, baka back to where I was na naman ako na super unmotivated. Right now, kumakapit lang ako ma-hit yung daily target at work, hindi ko na kaya magpabibo.

I feel like crap. 

Hope the past few days were better for you.

Thanks for still being around, you. I know this is so self-centered of me to say, but I appreciate you reading my nonsense and repetitive rants.

It doesn't feel like I'm talking to a wall. 

I hope I'm not draining for you. I understand I can be like that.

I feel bad kasi may trainee na nagtry dagdagan productivity niya, kaso mali yung ginawa niya tapos sinabihan ko. Tapos di niya napakinabangan. Tapos ako yung nakinabang, pero pulido naman yung ginawa ko. Pero I still feel bad.

Sana mamatay na lang ako. 

 Hi i ate two of my ✨magic brownies✨ and im fucking pissed kasi pota hindi naman eto sativa (?) POTA inaantok ako pero nilalabanan ko kasi gusto kong manood ng mobie pero pota tulog lang ako ng tulog antukin na nga ako without it susko balak ko pa namang kainin to sa work buti na lang hindi ko ginawa also kakaburat kakaubos ko lang apat na lata ng reno tapos hinaluan ko konting mayonnaise ang baboy pero ang sarap

Ok sana makapanood na ako mobie

Still feelimg like shit,, i domt feel like meeting up with friends,, my head also fuck ng hurts i domt wanma be human

 I feel like shit I can't sleep this shitty feeling is so heavy kinda wanna self harm kinda scared to do it too kinda wanna die kinda holding back

:)) happy payday

Deactivating my facebook is how i pretend ive deleted myself from the world 

Super wanna die pala not kinda haha can't sleep

 I dont wanna wake up from my sleep i feel like i should be hurt parang deserve ko masaktan parang pag sasaktan ako physically, things will be better, clean slate ulit

Feeling ko deserve ko masaktan gusto ko saktan ako ewan ko i feel like shit

I want to delete myself i want to push everyone away i feel like im so bad and im super useless and no good for anyone i wanna die

I have no future i have nothing going for me

I want to die

Im useless im a waste of space i want to die

I wish i could slit my wrists or something but im too scared to do that the only way i know is to overdose but it's never worked and im scared of thr hospital expsnse if it fails again

I know i can just ingest muriatic acid to get it done and over with but im scared too? 

 Sana si Ryan na lang etong consistent kong reader dito. O kaya si Airene o si Joe. Kahit si Lucas pa. Pero wag lang si Romeo. Hahaha. Kahit ex ko pa. O si Samantha. Hayst.

Pagod na pagod ako. Gahhhhhh

How am I this cute and with no one to date, huh???? I wanna get drunk and lie down on the grass or something. I hope the brownies I got make me feel better, even just a little bit. :c 

On a lighter note, I guess there's been progress with how I've been managing myself and my emotions. 

My manager also said this:

Thank god when we talked I was the only one left in the office. Otherwise, it would've been embarrassing because I couldn't hold back my tears then, yucks. Lol. 

I want to be okay. I also have not had a wink of sleep today. I hope I get through the day okay. 

I also realized that the reason why it hasn't stung when this particular someone rejected me is because he doesn't have anyone atm afaik but the thought that it won't and can't be me kind of hurt. Parang kinurot dibdib ko kanina nung na-realize ko 'to. Maybe I can use that and channel it into something productive. Sigh. 

I just want to be good. 

Hi anonymous reader, ikaw na lang date ko? I was talking earlier to someone I knew from ask/fm and I told them I'm content with the intimacy I share with my friends and that there's a quick fix if it's anything sex-related. While the latter part is true—yes, surprise, surprise—it still gets lonely. Like right now. But what can I do, right? I want to stop fucking things up. I want things to please, please, please work out. I know I'm too lazy to work out, but can I have this work out for me? I know I don't need to be with anyone to say I've won in life, but I do not want to be alone, please lang. No. 

Kaya ko naman. Pero it would be really fucking nice to have someone I can run to and just lie down with. 

Yucks talaga, these thoughts, I know. 

Maybe it's the hormones talking. Maybe not. 

Imagine, my standards were never unattainable ever since but shit still doesn't go my way. Sure, I have my share of the blame, but like????????? Please lang. 

I want to be okay. I want to be good. 

Sure na ba akong mag-aaral ako ulit kung matapos ko man 'to? Talaga na ba? Pakshet talaga. 

Hindi na ba ako kamahal-mahal kasi tuwang-tuwa akong sabihin yung word na 'burat'? 

Alam kong di ako lingunin level na type ng babae pero ganun ba talaga sila kadehado? 

Oh my god the fucking yearning. I'll get over this another day and then realize I'm not okay pa for anyone, can't be with anyone yet. Even if the cosmos gives me the best man there is for me, chances are, I'll still fuck it up kasi that's how ill-prepared I am for it. I tend to sabotage them. 

Why can't I just fall in love with a childhood friend or something—that's because I have none? Lol. I moved back and forth often that I couldn't have lasting friendships. Hahahha. Shunga.

Gusto kong ugatin naman sa isang lugar, please lang. 

I also have two more plants now hehe 

Life is shit, I just get quick breaks every now and then to forget that, even for just a little while. 

I feel so fucking sad. Not even Monster drink can make me feel better. 

 Would my younger self like me right now? I don't feel okay. 

My period is delayed, my breasts are sore but they do be looking good doe lol and i feel like crap someone i hooked up w last yr wants to hang out and i dont want to. can we just stay twitter mutuals pls

My breasts do be feeling so sensitive (as in tender not sensitive as in sex thing) huhuhuhu 😢 why why why my period so delayed huhu 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

I want to eat kimchi with everything 

I woke up crying today. Too bad I can't remember my dream. I'm sure the setting was a little influenced by The Shimmer from Annihilation, and about my grandma? And someone might have died.

I remember I was in this hotel room and I couldn't find my room. Tapos may Kpop din sa panaginip ko. Pero ayon nagising akong umiiyak. Hahaha. 

Bahala na. 

 Hello,

I want to be the type of person who would just lay everything bare. I was a firm believer of accepting and letting my emotions flow. I'm still like that on most of days, but today I realized that I've changed. Now if this is good or bad, I don't know yet. Is this maturity—putting your emotions on hold because of, say, work? I still can't really say I'm doing well with managing myself because I'm currently ignoring my thesis groupmates. I don't want to do this anymore. I realized I've wasted 4 years of my life. I think the program is fun, but for someone who genuinely wants to learn, this is not the correct avenue to do so. There are limited opportunities to learn here. I want to study again.

This Big Sad™ session also made me realize I'm okay with living alone, but I'm also scared because what if moving in with someone is something I need and I'm just pushing the idea aside because it's something I haven't tried yet?

I honestly don't know. 

I've been talking to ng to a friend and I also realized (sidenote: hehe, I'm learning about myself ano?) Anyway, I realized that I've always been committed in my past relationships. They just never worked out because that's just life. All the times I was in a relationship–after high school, that is—I was serious with all of them enough to envision a future with them. I also realized that although it may be too young for me to assume this, maybe romantic love isn't for me, which is a little sad because I know want to love and be loved despite everything.

But I wonder if I'm not worthy of love. I know I am, but why does no one like me. Lol. 

People used to say I'd probably be a singer when I was younger. People say I could be a writer and that I'd do well. People say I could be in broadcasting, that it suits me well. What the fuck happened? What the fuck have I become? Why am I this talentless person now? I feel like a waste of space. 

I'm drinking right now. I have no qualms with doing overtime work, to be honest. It's just that I feel like shit. Ang ambag ni Jules sa buhay ko ay ang stock ko ng alak. Salamat. 

My work is asking for a medical certificate and a diagnosis for this mental health thing. I know I've always wanted to inquire about being diagnosed so that I could give this shitshow I constantly deal with a name, because I feel like there really is something wrong. But I don't know how to ask for it. It feels too early, too. I don't want to look like I'm asking to be diagnosed, that I'm begging for something to be wrong with me. Although I feel like there is. But I'm not the expert. Lol.

My clothes are a mess again, and I don't feel like existing. My weekends are always like this. I feel like shit. 

Why do I still beg for love and affection like a stray puppy? It's grossing me out, but it is what it is.

I don't care if I end up bartending or living in a rundown apartment of some sort, I never aimed to be rich. I just want to be at peace with myself and find my place in this world.

Maybe what makes me unworthy of love is that alagain ako. Like right now. I don't want to hookup anymore, but it's the closest to love I'll ever get (aside from platonic love, which I have an abundance of). So why is that not enough? Why nga ba. Lol.

Even P**** is having a baby. Sigh. 

I don't know where I'm headed in therapy. Maybe I'm really okay. Idk. Am I already okay or still fucked up and just used to the fuckery? 

 Hello, magaling na ako from my sipon. Rhinitis nga lang siguro 'yon. Naisip ko madalas, gusto kong magpa-diagnose kasi I guess it would be nice to have something concrete to hold on to, to have a name for when I feel like shit, pero nahihiya pa akong magtanong sa therapist ko paano magpa-diagnose.

He told me to keep journalling and that I should practice organizing my rants in such a way na I'd be able to identify the trigger, immediate reaction, etc. Tinatamad pa akong simulan. Lol.

Siguro, counted itong today. I saw this tweet about Eurydice and Orpheus, and it started this nice conversation between me and a very good friend.

Link to tweet here

I want to ask you din, reader, how would you have dealt with the situation had you been in Orpheus' shoes? But of course, you're not going to answer. I hope you will though, I'm genuinely curious. 

So, I guess lumalabas din character ko. I'm not sure if maganda ba yung decision ko. If we know each other irl, sana friends pa rin tayo kahit na medyo bobo ako. Hahaha. I don't know if anything I said on the screencaps made sense. 

It's nice to talk about things like this. When I talk with friends it's always about how work has been, how we're feeling, etc. 

Friends are nice.

While I'm not giddy about life, it's not so bad right now. I haven't cleaned up my room yet, and I also haven't settled on a decision yet if I should move in with a friend or not. I hope I make up my mind soon. 

Nawalan ako panlasa kanina, pero may nalasahan din ako after a little while. I know I should already report this to my supervisor pero parang nakakatakot maging unpaid for 14 days :)) Ang sama rin ng pakiramdam ko. Feeling ko naman hindi ito COVID, parang gawa 'to ng sipon ko kasi na-expose ako sa init nung sinamahan ko yung ka-work ko na maghanap ng malilipatan, tapos nag-aircon kami sa kanila afterwards.

Ang lala ng sipon ko, nakakainis. Hindi pa ako nilalagnat, masama lang pakiramdam ko gawa nga nung sipon. 

 Iyak ako sa All My Stars Aligned ni St. Vincent ih.

Hirap namang magfunction. I also can't decide if I want to move in with a workmate. 

Help? Hahaha. Di pa rin ako nagliligpit ng damit ko. Tsaka pinoproblema ko loft bed ko. Paano ko yun papabaklas. Nakaka-stress yung process ng paglipat, pero mas malapit yung tinignan naming places kasi malapit sa office tsaka mas maganda color ng walls. And it's more spacious!

Pero may kasama ako omg haha :))) tapos dun din yung jowa niya for a month habang nag-o-ojt. Okay lang naman siguro yun. Idk.

I'm looking forward to my appointment sa Monday. Idk what I want to do with my life. 

 Eto talaga yung pag masama pakiramdam ko, i want to be taken care of. Pakiramdam ko tatrangkasuhin ako. What if ito na yung COVID? Sana malakas resistensya ko. Feeling ko malakas naman. 

Natatakot ako kasi eto na naman yung feeling ko na magiging okay ako for a bit then I'd feel like shit. Like right now, I'm at work and I feel like crying. Or this could be the almost-trangkaso talking. Idk. I just feel like shit. Mentally and physically. 

I keep remembering it was my dad's birthday last Friday. Haha. Ewan. 

 Kaya ako single. Kasi ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko.

Naisip ko, "weh, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better" pero na-realize kong hindi ganyan at totoo talaga yung una kong sinabi. Pag marami kasing tao sa buhay ko, nare-redirect yung energy ko na para sa sarili ko sana.

Gusto ko lang naman ng constant karat and cuddle shuta. Kaya pala uso ang fuck buddy. Hahahaha. 

Pero sige. I'm out of the rut I was in the past few days. I'll just play it by ear.

I have a plan. Should I set a timetable for my daily routine?

I'm just 23.

I'm just 23.

Gusto ko nang grumaduate para matapos na 'tong hassle na ito sa buhay ko. 

 I realize that the reason why I can't write is because I'm so insecure kasi yung mga kasabayan ko ang successful. Ang failure ko.

God i feel like shit

I wish I could be good. And that I could write. But I'm so scared of trying again. I haven't written in years. This blog shit is the most I've done. I wish I were naturally thin like these people in this movie I'm watching. 

 I'm never chasing a guy again. If they liked me, I would've known and I shouldn't have to feel confused. And they'd make sure I know they do. Yes.

And meatloaf is gross. 

 Why can't I have a love like in Us and Them huh???? Goddammit.

I'm scared that the big sad is starting to rear its ugly head.

They say I just have to be content with moments, because they're the most I'll ever get in life, because that's what life is made up of anyway, but I don't want moments. I want to die with someone. Man ang lala ng yearning ko right now. God i hate being alone. But I sort of regret asking my friend out if I could come over again. Might come off as clingy.

Sigh. 

I've beem watching stupid movies since 3AM. Gusto kong magkaraoke. I need a life.

Maybe it's time for me to alone. Lol. I just dont have another choice. Like, sure, babe. If that's what makes you sleep at night. God.

I feel so fucking sad. And ugly. I just want to be tucked in bed. And cuddle. Cuddle.

I reinstalled Tinder and uninstalled it again in less than an hour. It doesn't do me good anyway. I just want company. Hirap naman nitong quality time ang primary love language. Hays.

I want to literally just sleep with someone. Have a drink, maybe. Idk. I really haven't been in thr mood to drink tbh. I just want the company.

So I read something about transference a while back and it got me thinking about my feelings for people before. Anyway.

I'm not in love with my therapist tho ok? Hahaha. I'm not in love with anybody. And that's okay but I'm fucking bored.

I hope this therapy thing works out.

Man it would be nice if I could be loved and desired despite myself. 

 So hi, and TMI: I did a very human thing to do—I watched porn and did all that shit. Anyway, I'm a little envious of those women because they can just let loose and orgasm like that. I find it very difficult to let go. It's hard to have someone see me like that, seems like I'd be very exposed. Eh. I wish I were a guy. It's so easy for guys to orgasm. Also, I think I'll stop hooking up with guys now. 

I also need to lose weight. 

Anyway, idk what movie to watch.