Seems like I'm back again to feeling glued to the bed,, nagka-internet issue ako today. Galing ng timing. Sana di na bumalik muna. Ayoko muna maging tao. 

 is it weird na enjoy ako na may nasasabihan ng i love you na random na tao (ako yung blue icon) kebs lang. eh. ok work na me kinakabahan ako sa klase ko mamayang umaga di ako ready mentally but then again when will i ever be

 my mind has been muddled by the thought of my mom's birthday for weeks, before it was even her birthday. (twas on the 9th) till now. idk what to feel or say tho. but it's been bothering me. i havent told anyone. i dont feel like telling anyone. it even took me a while to write about it here. i finally quit the group I'm in, in that game ive been on since June, only to play another one (Genshin Impact YAYYY). I wish I could go back, but I've caused irreparable damage already. 

Maybe that's how wearing your heart on your sleeve can be wrong. 

I wish I wasn't straightforward at times like this. 

I also wish I didn't trim my bangs, it looks like shit. 

I feel meh. Not exactly like shit, but eh. 

I miss and don't miss talking to people. I want and don't want to talk to people. 

 i wont mind going on deep, long hibernation

 i want to buy a cam corder and a keyboard :( 

can i just say im highkey shipping kaina and sen morimoto??? it's actually nice :(( it's making me believe that girls who arent skinny also deserve love (BUT SHE IS ALSO PRETTY AND IM NOT SO THATS ANOTHER PROBLEM WAAAAA)

"secret stomachaches"

ive been without a facebook account for 2 days so far and good lord, i hope things could stay this way. ive been saying that i would delete it after school but it seems unlikely because i will also need it for work aha aha aha :( why cant we bring back e-mailing hmmmmmmm... i dont know why i reactivated my ig, i wish i didnt. 

i wanted to write something a few mins ago but i forgot what it was so ill just keep that prompt above till i remember it. if i do remember. i tried reading a few of my handouts BUT CANT HAHAHAHA. I gave up on the introduction why cant my brain handle fancy words anymore huhuhu

for someone sleep deprived, im doing pretty decent... and why are there now 3 views on my most recent blog entries????? 

if this is my ex, it's chill if u still wanna sue me, but i havent badmouthed you in the last few months haha not even on private messages. it's even exhausting to talk about what happened. i just need to release it sometimes when i feel sadt about it, which is not often honestly 

i miss having an actual conversation with people. like a good, long conversation. i miss my friends. :( 

i know i've had my moments of weakness a lot more than i wanted AKA the yearning, but it wouldn't have been as hard if i had a social life *clears throats* fuck covid 

Over.

i know. times like this, i couldve just spent ~rediscovering myself~ but im lazy hahaha it's starting to be hectic again these days. guess i'll be distracted again soon. :))

i still havent gone back to therapy. 

im so scared of something that occurred last saturday night:

i was half-asleep and vividly imagining things that i wish would happen. it felt so damn real but at the same time i had to cry because i was also aware that they weren't happening in real life, or maybe not in this lifetime, at least. i dont think it counts as hallucination but it was goddamn scary i was a little tempted to immediately contact my therapist haha

to be called eloquent by someone you admire is nice. yiee. 

im used to pining (just for the lack of a better term, and for the theatrics) over people. it's ok. 

theres this book ive been meaning to read for days. maybe ill give it a try tomorrow. so help me lord

will someone just take me away and let's live another life? haha huhu

i'd like to think im a better person than i was because now, i can stand by whatever choices ive made. and i can also make choices, though not all the time ahah but it's a process, okay?

im really just mumbling here. 

why does discord have to make you wait for 14 days before fully deleting your account?? why not just 5 days or something,, I KNOW IT'S A PLOY TO KEEP USERS FROM LEAVING HAHAHA BUT I HATE IT BECAUSE I AM  A VICTIM TO IT. I KEEP COMING BACK. I JUST WANT TO VANISH INTO THIN AIR OK?

****

to be called ~soft, gentle, and hot (but psychotic)~ by one of your crushes huhuhuhu haha im kinda happy HAHAHAHAHA i will disregard the trap part and the rage and cake bit as well hmpppp

we shall not fixate on one guy and keep our crushes bountiful so as to avoid the torturous burden of a broken heart HAHAHAHAHAHA trying to sound like an old person ew

niwayzzzz 

** 

i'd like to share how it felt NICE to fall asleep immediately during my break 15 mins after closing my eyes wtffff thats foreign but completely welcome

kamiss madiligan i fucking swear haha charot hays soft hours charot pota this life 6 months na ako walang pakikipaghalubilo sa mga tropa ko ayoko na po chararat pota gusto gusto ko lang ng may katabi at tatapik sa likod ko at magpa-pat sa ulo ko tapos isusubsob ko mukha ko sa dibdib niya tas yon na yon ok ok ok ok ok pota pota pota 

pero ayoko ng fuck buddy kasi ang gusto ko ay tunay na pagmamahal at busilak na puso charot hays putangina this life syempre hindi pa pwede kasi tatanga tanga pa ako az a person luh hahah hays kailangan ko lamang po ng isang halik bilang patunay na ako ay isa pang tao at hindi bato panginoon magparamdam ka! pero suko na ako sa dating app pota ok so paano? eh di nganga ayoko na maghanap actively pota ang draning kaya haha atsaka ang hollow at empty lang sa pakiramdam kada swipe mo aha aha alam ko sinabi ko na yan pero ala lang gusto ko lang ulitin

alam ko medyo ilang araw na itong sinasabi kong "moment of weakness lang to palipasin na lang natin" huhu sorry na talaga athena pls behave na pls pls pls tangina? am i thirsty? maybe yes i just wanna LITERALLY sleep with someone pls na may konting malisya no to sex i have been converted into virginianity again no more sex sex is bad momol only

ok kids? ok 

alam mo bakit ba kasi ang hirap makipagdate? hindi ba pwedeng magkainlovean na lang kayo ng kaibigan mo para komportable ka na agad? kasi pag makikipagkilala ka with the intention to date, ang daming pagpapakitang-tao, kaka-conscious sobra kasi ewan haha di naman pwedeng kebs kebs lang. hays pero kebs na lang talaga ISPIRITO NG DEMONYO LUBAYAN MO AKO UMALIS KA HINDI KO ITO KAILANGAN NABUHAY AKO NG ANIM NA BUWAN NA HINDI GANITO KALALA ANG YEARNING KO PLEASE LANG

pero can i say i dont hate my face so much im aware im not pretty but i can tolerate my face and body na hahaha so yay it's a win for us, lads! <3 PERO MABALIK TAYO KASI PUTANGINA ayon lang

jusko panginoon isang halik lang,, maawa ka at mahabag,, hindi na rin ako sigurado kung nagbibiro pa ako at this point please lang. 

mas ok pa ako nung takot ako makipagdate eh pota,, bakit ba nanunumbalik itong mga ganitong napakamaling damdamin huhu huhu

isang napakalungkot na hoe-ctober sa ating lahat,,, tagay!

PS. proud ako sa sarili ko kasi di ako buang na buang sa lalaki ngayon

PPS!!!!!!!

marunong na magmemes etong si aports natin na hindi marunong mag order sa grabfood kakaproud naman hahahahaha uhuhuhu 

tangina nalulungkot ako miss ko na mga kaibigan ko huhuhuu

 So my period came 5 days late, and will you please remind me why I need to go through this every month when I'm not even sure if I need this or if I plan to bear any children in the future?

I ghosted my therapist again. Hahaha. And my nose is runny. I hate it here. 

 still at a low, but im trying my best to hang in there. my period is also delayed goddammit. obvi im not pregnant but ugh i hate the irregularity

 would a diagnosis actually help people

im at a low right now. cant even work. coffee isnt doing its thing

 bitch u thought i'd make it for a week without going on here? nah-uh hahahaha

dat girl raised the bar to a different level, and while I'd like to commend her, god i dont want to work so hard hahahaha suddenly feeling the urge to resign but of course i cant lmao what a joke anyway,,, im getting evil thoughts as in "eh, she cherry picks her calls" btw i literally looked at the a few of her calls for this week and it is apparently true hahahah but im trying my best not to think negatively of her because that only makes me look like a sore loser which i probably am AAAA i dont want to work so damn hard haha pls,,, maybe to encourage myself, the basic target right now is something i can attain within half of my shift haha so i may be not as awful but good fucking lerd

 It only takes three days and two bottles of strawberry soju for the high to wear off. 

So recently, there's this Twitter game going around on my timeline, which is like a variation of the number game, and I joined one of my friends', and here's what I got:

 

To be told that I look happier would have to be the best compliment ever. I've been told na I lost weight din daw despite not really doing anything. Could be the angle. Could've just been a good day. I don't know. I don't care much anymore. I do feel better. I'm sure I'll feel like shit again one of these days, but hopefully, I'll be able to deal with it in a much better way when it happens. Plus, I'm still alive, aren't I? 

Also, I saw a silhouette of a man glide past across my boss's house in an unbelievable speed a few nights ago. I wasn't exactly scared to the bones. I have to admit that after it happened, I kept looking outside, but I managed to take a nap afterwards. Sleeping trumps everything else. Anyway, as it turns out, someone died in the block last Saturday. It was a woman, which isn't probably connected to what I saw right? But no, ahaha. Fun part, she had a very short haircut. She died of a tumor, IDK where. I had to laugh, because I'm still skeptic about the existence of ghosts. Anyway, may she rest in peace. 

My boss scolded her nanny today, and I felt guilty because I don't really do much in their house anyway. I just keep to myself. She was talking about how the nanny sounds like she's always mad with the boss's son, and she was practically screaming her head off. I can't blame her though, I could tell that she's been sleep-deprived for two days now. Her eyes have been swollen and bloodshot lately. :( Doesn\t help that it's like she has three children to think about--her actual son, her boyfriend, and me. I'm a little glad though that they had the conversation, because I agree with my boss that the nanny has been very grumpy towards the kid. I'm no mom material, but I do know that kids don't deserve to be on the receiving end of your bad mood because they're literally just a child who don't know better than you??? Which is why I stay away from them because I'm scared of them and I don't think I can handle them. Anyway, the kid and I played. Had to take him away from the boss and the helper because yeah. 

It was also a bit weird how the nanny kept insisting that the boss sleep in her boyfriend's house instead of going home. Like, this is literally her house? Why are you throwing her out of her own home? Hahahaha. The helper said she's leaving after this pandemic problem. Hoooo. 

Ok. 

I know I can be loud lots of times, but I really feel uncomfortable in a house where people scream to get their point across. 

Hello everything :) 

I just want to share about how lately, I don't mind existing as much, so much that i can sing (as you can see). I won't go as far as saying I'm super psyched that I can go around throwing glitter on the pavement, nor do I aim to be that happy--that shit's exhausting. No one is a complete fluff of sunshine. 

But I'm at peace.

2020 is shit because of everything that has happened, I'm not going to lie. But that does not stop the year from becoming our year. It is my year--lazy days, unfinished knitting projects, and all. I think it's safe to say that I've outgrown that thinking that I have to advance and that I'm so behind the game or corporate ladder. Lol. I'm not. Getting to the top of the ladder is not my goal, or the goal... I just want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. Don't get this wrong, I don't promote slacking, but taking a goddamn break isn't that bad of a thing. I think. 

The discourse I've read it's true. Maybe it really is capitalism to blame for getting this competitive, every-man-for-himself type of mindset ingrained in our heads. It's not supposed to be a dog-eats-dog world out there, and the wronged ones are not to blame. 

I'm not to blame for trusting. 

I'm imperfect and mediocre as they come, but so is everyone else. We're really all just grains in the sand, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm part of a whole, and I fill a space. That's enough. 

I'm a little worried for when life throws a curveball my way (in the form of a subpoena from an ex), but I'm hopeful that I will get through it.

There's this set of people online from around the world whom I've been talking to these days, and it's nice how I don't feel any hint of "Ha! There's a guy. He might be boyfriend material" or something. They're just nice people, and that's it. I've been talking to people on dating apps too, but I don't feel the need to go out with them and start anything romantic. That's a huge leap, I must say. 

My only regret right now is being too shy to ask for a refund for the camcorder that was damaged upon shipment. I think I want to start a video diary too, aside from the blog posts. 

 hello everything

u know that day I only had one hour of sleep? well I turned out to be productive hahaha met the target, did my laundry, FUCKING TOOK A BATH AHA AHA.

anw i was browsing thru my old photos and idk why. this may seem narcisistic of me but why do i hate myself so much in the moment then end up looking at myself through old pictures and finding that im not as ugly as i thought i was at the time???

i mean look AT HER!!! LOOK AT THAT GLOWING SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK!! AT!! THAT!! GLOWING!! SKIN!! i know i smile like an idiot (esp on the 3rd pic) but thats just my brand, dont expect sexy hot pretty selfies from me,, but these were back in 2017? 2018? damn why did i waste this cutie on my exes,,,

versus present me btw (like i took this literally five mins ago)

Look at how long my hair has grown aaaaa,, and this AFTER CHOPPING OFF THE DAMAGED ENDS,,,,,also i havent taken a bath today but i did yesterday lols anw i havent combed my hair either so forgive me. anwwww, waaa my hair is growing,, i am a little tempted to dye my hair but idk,,, im thinking of growing my hair to my waist, like it was circa 2018-ish? see if i'll like it, if i dont, then ill damage it again aha aha aha aha it would be nice to have healthy hair for a change

i need to get the energy to watch the tree of life,, also i dont get im thinking of ending things so much, it needs a second viewing (or possibly, more) im so glad im feeling ok right now. i was starting to feel like crying again...

 hello everything haha

so... ive been away for a bit. thats because during those times, i felt like an actual human being. except i wasnt productive at work, but i was genuinely happy. :) this game im playing right now is actually fun and everyone there is turning to be fun. 

right now tho, im running on only one hour of sleep and i feel my body crashing any minute now. it feels heavy (and it actually is lols). i hate how coffee is now making me palpitate right now. or it may be the sugar in instant coffee. i used to be str0nK. what in the world happened?

i also saw okja the other day and <3 <3 <3 

i wanna sleep

 dear diary

kanina pa ako nagpapalpitate :) i wanna cry,, i cant work well,, it feels hot,,,

the caretaker

[Time stamp: 5:52 PM] 

Fun date idea: lie down in bed facing each other and finish The Caretaker's Everywhere At The End of Time

I'm just glad I didn't listen to this at work. I would've... My head is hurting honestly. And I'm just at Stage 2. 

[6:30 PM] 

I'm stopping at Stage 3. My head hurts like hell now. 

[09:28 PM]

You'd think that just because my period is over, I won't be having a breakdown. Boy, are you wrong. I feel it coming. 

I want to be ok i want to be ok i want to be ok i want to be ok

DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT CARETAKER ALBUM IN ONE SITTING. 

DON'T!!!!

JUST FUCKING DON'T. 

WAG MAKULIT!!!!!!!!

I look pathetic pero I know I'm chill lang naman talaga about it. Kebs. Wish things could go back to normal. 

In other news. I feel like a normal human being right now, wow. 

I need to be firm and constantly remind myself to have a little sense of shame naman. Don't wait for the time na i-block ka na ng mga tao. I hate this side of me. 

oh my god the audacity of this bitch (translation: me) im gonna die of embarrassment

surprise surprise i feel good. Hope my friends are too

Here's the thing, I'm drinking to get rid of the alcohol. Maybe because I feel a little sad, but right now, I could sleep it off.

Now, I feel so much how alcohol weakens me. Turning my head feels like a chore. But I'm not numb. And I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I'm a little tired of typing. I want to hear my voice. And yours, especially. I miss you. And I'm sorry.

I miss you. I'm sorry. 

I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please come back. I should've kept my mouth shut. I don't want to lose a friend. I was nipping the bud before it could bloom because I already know. I should've kept it in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted last time. I'm sorry. I'm really so sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone. My exes. The friends I've lost. My family. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I know. Apologies come with change. I'm working on it. 

 fake asleep

Maybe this is what they call emotionally constipated, and I can't let myself off the hook. It feels like I should cry, I want to cry. There are many things that I want to release, but they just won't come out. And I can't let myself fall asleep till I feel something. Anything.

Ayoko talagang mag drama, tsaka di naman ako nalulungkot ngayon (namamanhid pa nga eh), pero nitong nakaraang linggo, bigla na lang akong umiiyak. Lalo na kagabi. Nakailang iyak yata ako. 

Parang di pwedeng sakto lang. Either iiyak ako ng wala talagang dahilan o ganitong namamanhid ako.

I don't feel right. Ang daling humingi ng tawad.  Ang hirap magpatawad. Bakit ganun? 

Sorry na lang talaga sa inyong lahat. Di ko na sasayangin oras ng sinuman by sending an unwanted message. I've said my piece then, and now, there isn't anything else to say but I'm sorry. 

Inaantok na ako sobra, pero di ako makatulog.