Storytime

Out of boredom and because I don’t think anyone cares to ask, I’ll go and play that game where people pick a number from a list and I answer the corresponding question.

1. Museum date or aquarium date? Why?

I think I’ll go pick an aquarium date instead for the colors. I guess the only time I’ll pick a museum date would be if it’s something interactive. That’ll be fun.

2. Describe your favorite type of weather.

I like the skies best at 5 o’clock in the afternoon, windy and cloudy, not too sunny. I enjoy the rain too.

3. Name a subject/topic you know a lot about.

English, I guess. Wala, in truth. Myself?

4. Do you have any friends or know anyone with the same name as you?

Same first and second given names? Nah.

5. What’s something most people love that you hate?
Matcha

6. Who knows the most about you personally?

Lots of people. Klaire, Tin, Airene, Gianna… etc.

7. If you could create ANY mix-up or mythical animal and have it be brought to life, what would it be?

dog + penguin = donguin?? I’ve recently been thinking about how cute penguins are.

8. Do you think everyone in our lives serves a purpose, or are some people just there?

You find your purpose, but some don’t, that’s why they’re just there.

9. How do you feel about getting your picture taken?

Awkward. I sometimes feel my lips tremble from smiling for the camera, and I’m too embarrassed about how fat I am, but I like those photos where I’m super happy. If anyone can manage to make me look good in a photo, then why the heck not.

10. Any guilty pleasure/s?

Old songs you hear from the radio on a Sunday.

11. What is your favorite Studio Ghibli film and why?

I’ve only seen two. Don’t make me choose between Spirited Away and Howl’s.

12. Do you always make eye contact with people when you’re speaking to them?

If it’s something that’s completely serious, I try to, but if it’s something about my thoughts, I mostly stare at something else, like my feet.

13. Have you ever self-harmed?

Yeah.

14. What’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?

There has been a lot, and I don’t know which one to call the nicest, but I can’t forget being called a ball of sunshine (this was, however, way back 2016). Recently, someone I always tease said she admires how I always stand up for what I believe in, even if it makes me come across to others as bitchy.

15. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach today?

No.

16. Did anyone/anything get on your nerves today?

No, I feel like a floating sandwich lost in space today. Too floaty to feel anything intense.

17. Is there something you currently want, that you can’t have?

An opportunity for a career shift.

18. Who was the last person to make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable?

Myself.

19. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favorite character in it?

I have not finished it yet. Currently viewing “Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay”

Yes, I’m committing a mortal sin for not being able to sit through a movie.

20. What are you known for?

I don’t know.

21. What is something you are skeptical about?

Lots of things.

22.If you have a job, do you prefer morning shifts or evening shifts?

Whatever works.

23. What is something you are most confident about?

Myself, because I know more about myself more than anything else.

How about something you're really insecure about?

Myself, because I know more about myself more than anything else.

24. What do you think in general of girls with short hair? How about guys with long hair?

They’re both cool with me.

25. With films in languages you do not speak, do you prefer a dub or a subtitle?

Subtitles.

26. If you wear makeup, what are your preferred brands?

I don’t use makeup that much, but I using this brown matte shade from Maybelline and then swipe this dark red liquid (matte ulit lol) lipstick (the latter is available in 7-Eleven stores, I forgot what it’s called) I also love that Maybelline ink crayon stuff.

27. What part of a person's body do you usually find the most attractive?

I don’t focus too much in how they look. If you look at all my exes and crushes and former flames, they all look different.

28. What/which music are you currently listening to?

For your perusal: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WZ4jRDL0GeWEEDylKw9he?si=bLauUmHQQ_-vtckPTK65nQ

Heh.

29. Do you find smoking unattractive?

Nah. I don’t care.

30. What was the last thing you looked up on Google?

“brown matte” because I was not sure about the order of the adjectives, lol.

31. What is the 10th picture in your phone gallery?

32. Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color?

I already have!

33. What job would you be terrible at and what job would you be good at?

I wish I knew.

34. Do you think forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something?

No? Idk. Probably. Baka kaya ako nagsu-struggle pa rin kasi hirap pa rin akong magpatawad.

35. What did you think was cool when you were younger?

I don’t remember. Siguro maging mayaman.

36. Is there a place that makes you sad to return to?

Batangas home.

37. What's the best advice anyone has ever given you?

I don’t remember.

38. Have you ever treated someone badly just because someone else treated you badly?

I think so.

39. What's your favorite lyric from your favorite song right now?

I act a damn fool/Baby when you crawl around on me/

40. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away?

Dean saying, “I’ll fuck you if you let me baby” five times.

41. Is it true that if you can't love yourself, you can't love another?

No?

42. What's the most positive thing you could say to yourself right now?

You don’t have to be the best or be amazing. Just do what you want and live on your own terms.

43. What time of the day feels the most magical to you?

It could be any time of the day.

44. Were you a cute baby?

For sure.

45. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for, but never did?

Yeah.

46. What is any creative talent you wish you had?

Arts, dancing, acting. Wish I can play instruments too.

47. Do you think you'd make a good teacher? Why or why not?

I can be.

48. Do you think it's possible to fix a "broken" relationship?

It’s only broken when both parties don’t want to work it out anymore.

49. If you chose to get a tattoo what would it be and where would you want it?

You’ll see.

50. When was the last time you stayed up past midnight and what were you up to?

LOL it’s past 1AM now.

But why do I forget?

Ang hilig kong takutin at sirain sarili kong ulo pag mga ganitong oras. Tuwing natutulala ako sa kisame, hinihintay ko na lang mapatakan ako ng dugo o makakita ng hibla ng buhok o kaya mamalikmatang may nakangiti sa tabi ko.

Natatakot din akong tumingin sa salamin sa gabi kasi baka hindi ako yung makita ko.

Tuwing binubuksan ko yung ilaw, nagmamadali ako kasi baka may kamay akong makapa sa pader. Minsan, gusto kong pumikit o kaya mag-iwas ng tingin pero madalas, mas gusto kong makasigurong wala nga. Wala nga naman talaga.

Nakakatakot makakita sa dilim, pero pipiliin ko bang maging bulag?

Hindi.

And this is the cause of my unease.

Minsan gusto kong magmakaawang mahalin na ako ng kahit sino na lang. Baka sa sobrang lungkot ko, kung multuhin man ako, baka yakapin ko na rin siya.

Nakakalasing ba ang kape? Parang hindi dapat.

I tell my stories because I know I'll forget, and what am I but all these everydays. I'm sorry I passed onto you the burden of remembering even when those memories are my liability.

You're but a cautionary tale lost to the wind, perhaps a fond farewell; a stranger on the subway, disdain in your eyes.

The crowd believes you mean no, but your lips does not seem so. 

Yung sakit sa ulo na dulot mo, para siyang nung high school ako tapos gising ako magdamag kaka-computer, tapos maliligo ako diretso at magbibilad sa araw. Sana tumigil na kayo. Nag-usap na kami ng mahal mo. I'm no angel, but I'm trying to be nice.

Layunin niyo bang paiyakin ako araw-araw.

Tama na, utang na loob. We all just want to move forward.

Luluhod pa ba ako sa asin? Livestream ko ba.

Hindi kakausapin, ayaw akong tantanan. Aawayin, hindi matatakot. Nung huli naman tayong nag-usap, wala namang bahid ng pangangaway yun ah. Naglabas lang ako ng  hinanakit.  Hindi ko rin binago yung naratibo para ipalabas na anghel ako at sobrang naapi.

Hihingi ng tawad, may halo pa ring panunumbat. Tama na. If you're sorry, then just say you're sorry and go. Once is enough. I don't wish anyone death, but I don't need the unnecessary details. I don't care if you could've messaged sooner because either way, it's unwanted.

People are just trying to move on. Never kang dumapo sa isip ko ngayong araw na 'to, but here you are. Don't you have better things to do?

Ano bang gusto niyo, is it your plan to drive me to kill myself? Kasi hindi ko na kinakaya teh. When that Twt mess happened, I was going through our text exchange during that last time I overdosed that's why it really wasn't a good time. Of course, I won't go around parading that

But here we are. I'm dumping these here kasi I don't want to tell you. Longer messages lead to longer conversations.

And I just need to get this out.

New normal

If we were made of water, then maybe I’ll be in a much, much better place because then, I’ll be able to take a hit and move past everything that tries to pierce through me, through us. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about you going because I know that even across rivers and oceans, I’ll always find you.

How many times can a heart go back when your eyes aren't there anymore to guide the path home? Or was your warmth ever home?

How can a common experience still cause this much pain? You think you’d be exempt because you've exposed yourself to it more times than you want or because you've always entertained the idea of it happening, but when it's finally there, wow. Or did I jinx it when I thought too much of it?

I’m just rambling. Anyway, for the fun stuff (which may still not be fun…)

What would be my new normal, I was asked, and to be honest, I can't visualize it. I can't put together even just a vague picture. How disappointing that must be, coming from someone who is expected to be eloquent. Lol.

But let me try to throw in a bunch of colors, in hopes that they eventually come together and be something—would the new normal be bloody red? Or grim and pitch black?

White, maybe? Guess I’m rambling even more, but of all colors, white would have to be the scariest one for me.

With white, I imagine being in a spot where I’m surrounded by a blinding light and no matter which way I look, there’s only this vastness, a space seemingly without end, where (I hope) I can freely wander around. Or I could just be unknowingly trapped in the confines of four white walls. I’ll never know. I’m not sure if I ever want to figure it out.

I mean, how far can my ideals take me? Will it even take me, us anywhere? Do we just die trying? Should we just be content with having something to stand for?

What would be our new normal?

Here I am, awake now for six hours from six hours of sleep, listening to myself breathe and crying while I'm at it. I close my eyes every other minute or two as I try to focus on my breathing. You're not getting a story out of this. My eyes are just tired, and they want to stay closed. For how long, I don't know...

I've been thinking of doing productive things--maybe take a bath or watch "Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay" or read Capital vol. 1., but it's difficult to keep at it.

Should I limit my interactions with people and get off the internet so I can be more productive? I am not sure. I feel alone.

I'm afraid I might feel my consciousness floating away, and leaving my person. Right now, I only have my stupid Spotify playlists keeping me grounded and sane. I've seen a lot today, and I can't help but cry intermittently. I am drained, and not even caffeine can help lift my spirit.

Ibang lutang yata ang mangyayari ngayon.

[Source: https:/www.twitter.com/grosshuman/status/1245662699142279168]

And I said, "Baka yung pagkakahiwa lang ng karne sa Reyes Barbecue yung iniyakan ko o kaya kasi may mga pinapatay para lang makakain ako ng bulalo." Those were true stories.

Truth is, I know full well why I cried.

Not gonna lie, I miss the water gun fights in hotel rooms and dancing in the living room with my feet on your toes but I dont miss you blacking out and pretending to have another personality while talking in a British accent.

Or the cheating either.

I miss riding shopping carts in supermarkets and browsing through items, pretending to build a home with you, and the weird impromptus at the most unexpected of times and the plastic toy swordfighting and you trying to catch a non-blurry photo of me because you know how embarrassed I get with having my pics taken and the late night strolls and I miss being hugged and feeling your warmth when I cry and I miss hugging you.

[It's getting worse, oops.]


We were fucking happy. Or at least I thought we were.

Because I was.

Despite the overwhelming misery, there was some sort of comfort in knowing I had you just as much as you have me.

And that is why I cry. 

I'm in the office right now and things are fucked up and messy right now. I don't know what's going on but it feels like I'm losing my grip on myself. It felt like hihiwalay na yung kaluluwa ko sa sa katawan ko kanina at ngayon, it felt like I was floating. I cannot function. I'm just typing this in between episodes. I went to the restroom to get a hold of myself then went back to work but it happened in between calls. I don't know what's happening. I don't even feel like crying. I don't know what emotion this is. Or if this is just vertigo. For a moment, parang lumulutang ako, parang slowly lumulutang na ako palayo sa desk ko, sa katawan ko, sa screen ko, tapos tinitignan ko yung kamay kong nanginginig tapos tinitignan ko yung screen ko tsaka yung trabahong dapat kong tapusin tapos wala.

Wala akong maramdamang sense of urgency. Wala akong maramdaman.

Tapos nakatitig lang ako dun sa tupperware na may nakasulat na pangalan ko, tinutukan ko yung handwriting ng pangalan ko tapos parang papalayo na ako sa pangalan ko. Para akong lumalayo sa lahat.

I check my pulse and it feels like my heart is also beating fast but it's not. Naririnig ko lang yung tibok niya.

Para akong masusuka, parang gusto kong masuka. Parang gusto ko na lang mapikit.

I know this should not happen, and that something might be wrong, pero idk, idk. I don't understand

No one talks about how the first date after a breakup is painful.

The guy and I never even discussed where exactly we'll meet up. That was one red flag. Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I'll probably be ghosted. I'm not surprised; I'm not pretty or hot or substantial enough.

"I feel like shit. I think I'll just walk home for a bit and then go home in a few," I told him on Messenger. I spent more than an hour of travel to his province, and god, I wish I stayed true to my word and ditched him. Instead, I bought gin bilog and mixed it with apple juice. The guy even wanted me to go to where he is, to think I already went all the way to Lucena from Alabang.

I went there expecting to hang out with a new friend. I've always been game to go out of my way for friends, so that wasn't anything special, but god, iba yung nagagawa ng alak at lungkot, ano?

Red flag # 2: he'd never say anything about himself. The sob stories, okay lang. I have a guy friend I've gotten drunk with on multiple occasions and never made out with, and although he hasn't shared some of his stories to me, I still know enough about him that I can safely assume that we really are friends. But this guy? Some stories, he'd lie about. I don't know anymore what's true or not.

But there were good moments.

It was nice making out in the sea, I didn't have to feel insecure about my weight there. It was nice to cuddle in the sand, but it was messy. It was shitty to cry in the middle of the night, but it was nice to be cuddled afterwards. The biting was cool, so was the slight choking. I didn't know I'd like that.

It wasn't nice when he just couldn't wait to split up the morning after. I would've understood though. I really just wasn't expecting a hookup, so hindi ko na-orient sarili ko kung anong dapat kong gawin. I even asked to eat breakfast with him, because I was hungry at the time.

Then he says, "This is going to be a bad day." He continues bitching about the sand getting everywhere. I started doubting myself. I get it, I'm fat, pero was I that horrible the night before? Siguro. Idk. I don't want to know. It wasn't the best sex din naman. I'll be better.

Siguro masyado lang akong sensitive. God, last time I hooked up with guys I had no plans of being serious with was 2017? Lol puta. Fucking three years ago. Pero I was being self-destructive then. Ah, narealize kong medyo BS nga 'tong lalaking 'to.

Mag-Cebu daw kami. Easy for you to just quit everything with your Tommy Hilfiger shirt and Coach bag. He's not too far from my ex. I regret giving him my email address so we can talk while I'm at work. I only did that kasi na-bother ako nung nag-message siya na parang nalungkot siya or something. Ako tuloy nagmukhang masyadong may pakialam.

Okay lang. I just wish I can remove him from my Messenger contacts.

I should not get too close again with anyone.

Crowds

I still look for your warmth at some point in the day. Will I have to go through the crowd and stupidly search for you in every stranger's face?

That just won't do.

It's the first Monday since the last time I saw him, and as I wrap up and get ready to go home, I realize I'll have no one to routinely send OOTDs or bathroom selfies to. I'll have to break routine, just when I was getting comfortable with the idea of routine and constants.

Everything's still the same; it's still difficult to sleep before noon and I still mindlessly browse the Internet to tire my eyes. An attempt to fill the void, really. Most days though I just lay wide awake. Next thing I know, it's already 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I only have four hours left to sleep before I have to report for work again. It's the last week of January, and my skin is starting to break out. I suppose it's probably because my period will be starting next week. There'll be no one to tell me I'm still acceptable--beautiful, even--in case a zit grows on my face. Not that I'm in dire need of external validation. I've always brushed it off, but it never hurt to have someone else appreciate my existence. Because there are moments it gets difficult to do it alone. I can only hope right this moment that I'll cope better when that day comes. Or nights. It mostly happens when it's dark in my room and I'm alone.

There's even no more reason to get into Pokémon Go again, though that won't take away my love for walking. There's one good thing, I guess. If not for the ashfall, maybe I'd have walked home today. Maybe I'll bring a mask tomorrow and try.

Part of the aftermath is this hyper-awareness of my surroundings because the bubble I once was in has burst. Now I'm reminded of what I don't have anymore when I see a woman give her partner a peck on the lips as thank-you for taking her to work today. Then he smiles at her as he rushes off on his motorcycle. 

I don't know anymore. Things are still a little difficult to accept. They say it gets easier to hate the person, but I can't find it in me to hate someone I once loved the most. Maybe right now he still has my heart. Maybe right now he's still the one I've loved the most aside from myself. The idea of him and love still breaks me, but I can't cry in South Station right now. Crazy, but for a second or two, I wished he hugged and kissed me to try to apologize. I wished he screamed, "Surprise!" and handed me a bouquet of random flowers. Anything grand. Anything else but this.

Should I have breakfast or maybe skip it to lose weight? Should I grow out my bangs and try a new look? But side swept isn't anything new to me, as I've had that haircut since I was a kid. What for, anyway? Pretending to get into something new doesn't change anything. It'll just be a distraction, and all these will come back when things start to quiet down and I'm alone with my thoughts, as if they never left.

I do feel like a floating sandwich on outer space, out of place and completely useless, an odd sight. He said he was going to be the panini and meet me halfway. Now that that panini's gone, and I'm back to listlessly roaming this vastness on my own.

I still can't bring myself to hate him, and maybe I never will. What he did was infuriating, but that emotion isn't something I carry in my heart. That anger I feel is mostly a fleeting feeling that is then overcome by loneliness and hurt. My stupid mind still wishes things didn't turn out like this. My stupid mind still feels this pang of hurt when I see him trying to work things out with the other girl, because he never did that with me. I guess he got too tired of us, and that's okay. At the end of the day, his affection only stems from his fear of being alone and having no one else but himself. But even trying to drill that in my head doesn't take away the heaviness in my chest.

It hurts all the same.

Russel,

I don’t want to see the day when you two will be happy, my love living his best life, because it pains me to think that that one heck of a guy isn’t with me… And I wanted to be with that person. I’ve loved you in all your imperfections and all that you are and all that you are not. Now you have a future to build with Paula, and… You will never comprehend the depth of my love for you. You had to follow the script; you had to follow the wrong script…

It was in the tiniest things, then they all towered and manifested into something greater than Thanos’s glove, and it hurt when I got slapped by it in the face. It was in the inconsistencies in your story—how you told me James Reid’s “Cool Down” was shitty because it gave off fuckboy/softboi vibes, then I hear from Paula that you told her it sounds cool. It hurts that your mom knew about her more than me, and the way you wanted me to meet your mom? I was not too keen on meeting anyone’s parents, but you said you wanted me to, so I said I’ll think about it and then I’ll tell you. You wanted to pretend I was going to be in the same place as you guys by accident, and then you’d say, “Motha, what a surprise.” And that we broke up in September? Weren’t we just pretending to be Instagram baddies on November 30? Didn’t you just say you missed me while I was away in Baguio? Weren’t you just crying in my arms when we snuck in your cousin’s room that first weekend of January this year?

Going through our entire exchange and then realizing that you’ve been lying all this time hurts, but I’m too at a loss to even get mad at you. You may probably not understand how you’ve hurt me because, really, you’re okay. I never saw a hint of remorse in your eyes the last time we talked. Besides, you were the one who snagged another girl to inflate your ego. Your friends say you were happiest with me, but if you were, then how come I got cheated on? I’m sorry I’m not enough for you, but I know I never failed to remind you to break up with me if you don’t want me anymore. I know I’m not a perfect girlfriend; it was a challenge to open up, to start a relationship and remain in one. Sex was almost out of the equation for me, too. I’m sorry I’m not changing that for you, but you could have just told me that maybe it was already too much.

It would have been easier to forgive the sex. You might have only gotten drunk with the other frat guys. You might have only gotten cornered into fucking someone. Maybe I’d care less had you done it after we fought and I told you to go fuck someone else. Yeah, maybe that would’ve been easier to forgive. But I asked if I could take that back and you said yes, that there was no one else, and that there won’t be because that’s downright stupid if you did that. It stings how she was every bit your girlfriend as much as I was. She knows you like the back of her hand as much as I do (with mine). There was nothing set aside for me that I could call my own, or ours; not even one story, or a single inch of skin in your body that only I could touch.

You lied through your teeth and assured me that you were committed in this relationship, and despite everything that was happening last December, I wanted to push on and keep this alive, because that was commitment, right? You don’t give up just like that and you try to work it out. I told you I was starting to lose interest in everything, including the relationship, but I held on, because I was willing to take it as one of our down days. No relationship is perfect, right? You shouldn’t have wasted my time, because now, all I think about is how you were out there fucking someone else, and I’m sure it was hella good (hell yeah, you’d say). You must have been satisfied with all those times she showed you herself and I couldn’t. It must have been worth every apology and lie when you jacked off on the image of her body, telling me how you were sorry that you’ve been sleeping a lot, because I’ll never be that girl for you, anyway. Because I can never give you that. I was thinking of you, and there you were fucking her over and over. I was making plans for Valentine’s, worrying if I could make it on time, and you were fucking someone else. God, you were fucking someone else… And you said you weren’t. That’s all I could think of right now, that you were fucking someone else, and how it was easy for you to do this to me. You were fucking her, and you were fucking enjoying it, and that’s fucking hard to get out of my head.

This feels like writing to the wind, because I know that even if you come across this, my words will only go in one ear and out on the other. You don’t give a rat’s ass about me. Maybe you never really did. You’re just sad you’re on house arrest now. You’re only guilty, because people say that you did us dirty, but you can’t realize the gravity of what you’ve done on your own accord. Now, I’ll just be one of those crazy exes in your sob stories, and I gave you what I could even when I don’t have much.

I was nothing but a feeble attempt to fill the void in you.

And I loved you goddamned well, in all the mess and shit that I am.

you already know

set me in yellow
and drown me in your blues.
faint as the afternoon breeze,
my wings are falling on you.

you want to hold onto me like a risk
or are we just terrified
of tears and falling,
of butterflies and dragonflies,
of lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies...

know that I want you,
though this is not the song you like,
but you will remember,
when i go and choose left from right.

perhaps it was never about crashing;
leaves could cushion the fall.
the butterfly never bites,
but the mind always forgets.
it was always about failing,
how we'll never learn.

leave the garden
drenched in red.
paint us now a different hue
and outlast the jets. 
honey, we're lovers who could only run.

the difference between then & now

Belated Happy Birthday, Mom.

"There are 6,775,235,842 people in the world. Why are you letting one of them ruin your life?" 

"Because that one person could have meant the world to me, and that would have been enough."

Rome

 ... but not all roads lead to you.

I don't know anymore...

People ask for help.

But I don't get the point in doing it if there are other people who survive without seeing a shrink. Maybe I can be like that.

Do I really need it? Nag-iinarte lang ba ako?

I always want to die. Or am I just acting because it's everywhere. Now, everything does feel pointless and if I self-diagnose myself based on whatever I see on the internet, there are symptoms that match up. But, hey, it's not like I've witnessed an accident like **** did. Or got sexually abused, like a lot of my friends.

There are people I know who use their conditions like a crutch, for personal gain. I don't want to be like that, but what if I turn out like that?

I have a fucked up family, but then again, so does everyone else.

So I don't know.

***** looks like he has really bad episodes of depression and anxiety. I don't think mine's that bad.

Maybe I'm really just normal.

Apparently, you can get sleeping pills without a doctor's prescription for 200 pesos sa Watson's?

I'm scared that if I buy sleeping pills, baka dumating sa point na mag-overdose ako dun, kasi may access na ako eh. But I need it. It's always difficult to sleep.

I feel utterly dumb. I'm nothing now. I'm nothing.

I thought that I can let loose, that I may be not as despicable like I think I am, but really, this is the truth.

I want everything to stop. Should I believe in a god? Is there really a point to it? Or does it just shift the responsibility or blame from yourself to a deity that isn't even completely proven to exist (yet?)

Was I ever happy, and not just in fleeting, stolen moments? Was I ever truly happy? I don't remember. If there was such a time, I'd want to go back and just stay there.

I don't care about the present anymore. I stopped caring a long time ago, but it just feels so wrong. I wish I truly cared enough for me to give it my all. But I don't.

If I lost anyone close to me, I'm sure I'd cry, but I'd also probably move on a few days after and think to myself that everyone dies. I wish I could mourn and hurt deeply.

You said I'm trusting to a point where I am easily taken advantage of. Maybe I am. Am I kind? Am I evil? I don't know anymore.


I feel like a sandwich floating on outer space, so out of place.


Ari Lennox's Whipped Cream is my current favorite.

A Love Letter to the Wind, A Friend Long Forgotten

Hey,

You may or may not read this. Either way, it's okay. Wala namang nangyayari sa buhay ko, e. I guess I started distancing myself from you because I felt so disappointed when we fought, and I forgot that fighting should be normal between friends. I was hoping for a perfect friendship, and perfect by my standards meant no disagreements.

Of course, I realized that was wrong, but you know me; lisod gubaon ang walls pag nasugdan na ug tukod. The walls can betray even its own creator.

I was backreading on our previous conversations and it didn't seem that we'd only talk whenever I'm sad? But if that was how it appeared to you, I guess I have to let you know that that is what has become of your 'anak'. I've only become a lonelier person day by day.

Cheeks have been drained of color, lips have only turned drier, and it is only my bright, colored hair that I hold on to at least keep me looking happy and fun, but inside, I feel emptier than I ever have.

Maybe everyone goes through this, but that doesn't give anyone the right to trivialize or invalidate my feelings. It is not an easy process, and wherever this is going to end up, I have no idea.

The only thing I am sure of is that I am no longer the same person I was before.

I love you for your thoughts, and I do miss them. What changed, really? Maybe it was both of us. Maybe a year apart made us so accustomed to not having each other around, so don't go pinning the blame on me alone.

You are subtle, but I get what you're pointing at on that post-it you left with the book. I've finished the book earlier this morning. It is not the best book I have ever read, but it has substance. Like I said in the first email, I like "Neighbors" most of all. "Flidia" is a close second. Tragic stories have a soft spot in my heart, as always.

Writing to you feels like sending a love letter to the wind. Romantic, is it not?

Good night.

What I See in "The One I Love"

Minus the quotation marks, the title might give away another meaning. If the reader is so love-crazed, it will be interpreted otherwise, but to clear it up, “The One I Love” is a 2014 film directed by Charlie McDowell that falls under the science-fiction genre according to Wikipedia to my surprise, but personally? I say that there is more to it than science-fiction. For reference, you can watch the trailer on Youtube or even go see the movie on Netflix.

One would think it was yet another romance movie about a couple going through a rough patch in their relationship with hopes of surviving it and coming out of it as better people, and if one was to base from its premise alone, that seemed to be what’s going on. Let me give you a heads up, though: this is not your run-of-the-mill romance movie.

The two leads are husband and wife Ethan (played by Mark Duplass) and Sophie (played by Elizabeth Moss). Ethan belongs to one of the many husband stereotypes—dense and smart, consistent and content but seemingly without a goal in life. Sophie, on the other hand, is the wife who is always after greener pastures in a sense that she wants to have something different but also has strong tendencies to be idealistic and very nagging. Stagnancy, in Sophie’s case, is the very enemy of progress and improvement, and only wants to overcome that. The movie shows how these are two characters that the people can relate to; with flaws that don’t necessarily make them bad people.

But, one question is, how far can you go until you stop and settle in contentment? Or do you even?

In this movie, the couple attempts to keep the relationship, goes to an apparently shady marriage counselor (played by Ted Danson) who, in turn, suggests that they get away to a secluded estate to which the couple agrees after the counselor concludes that there is a very large rift between the two.

The estate, a seemingly perfect haven to spend a vacation, with its huge garden, spacious guest house, a swimming pool, and then the main house, and probably even more amenities that wasn’t shown in the film. These physical attributes, at one glance, further validates what the therapist said about renews its inhabitants and their relationships.

Little did I know that that meant something else.

On the first day, the couple tries to settle in and explore the place. They smoke marijuana, and Sophie finds Ethan in the guest house, and then has sexual intercourse with him. Afterwards, she goes back to the main house and sees Ethan sleeping, who denies having sex with her. The conversation leads to their first fight during the vacation and Ethan decides to move to the cottage to resume his sleep. After some time, Sophie joins him and the two make up.
By the morning of the following day, the film remains its focus on the husband.. He immediately gathers that it’s rather odd that Sophie is cooking him bacon for breakfast despite her clear version towards him eating it. His suspicion grows even more when he returns to the main house and Sophie denies reconciling with him.

Then, right in the middle of the movie, goes the tasteful twist: the couple has two doppelgangers who live inside the guesthouse. The doppelganger Ethan or Ethan 2 does not wear glasses and works out, much to Sophie 1’s interest, unlike the original Ethan or Ethan 1. The original Sophie or Sophie 1 wears very casual and laidback attire while her doppelganger has a more ‘feminine’ sense of style, with her frilly and flowy clothes. The original couple agrees that each can spend time with their partner’s ideal version as a way to maximize their stay and enjoy the vacation even more and they also agree to some ground rules.
Eventually, things take a turn for the worse as each deal with their personal struggles, with Sophie 1 finding herself drawn to Ethan 2 and Ethan 1 slowly losing his wife. It is shown later on in the movie that these imposters were also a couple like Ethan and Sophie but got stuck in the guesthouse, have undergone a bizarre (and, might I add, insufficiently explained) process to assume the identity of the next couple. It is also explained that the doppelgangers may only get out from there after another couple takes their place.

My take away here is that the film’s objective was not to surprise its viewers with the said twist, but to instead make them think about their ideals and how the ‘sparks’ just would not always be there; would one still try to work it out? The movie shows how our ideals can also entrap us when Sophie 1 unconsciously chooses the imposter, and needless to say, gave up on mending her marital problems with her real husband.
This movie had its hits and misses; it still had plot holes, but what I really liked about it is how it displayed the vital role that communication plays in a relationship, be it with a romantic partner or a mere acquaintance. The beginning of the movie established Sophie as the upfront kind which is why it is disappointing to see the original Sophie open up to the doppelganger about her feelings on Ethan 1’s infidelity in the past instead of talking it out with her husband to make things work, as originally planned. The original Sophie has failed even more because she was the one who voiced out that she wanted to save the relationship, yet ended up falling for the impostor.

But has she really failed? Ethan’s attitude and actions also have to be taken into consideration. Was he accommodating enough for Sophie to warm up? As mentioned earlier, Ethan depicts the ‘go with the flow’ personality, and I consider this one more reason why Sophie stopped feeling comfortable around with him. It’s so easy for Ethan to say that he loves the mess that they are as people, when he’s never done anything to make amends for cheating on Sophie some time ago.  Sophie may interpret his responses and attitude as very passive, and this also gives off the vibe that Ethan just doesn’t care anymore and he’s just in it for the long haul because a divorce is too drastic a change. Words only mean a lot when it has actions to back them up.
Also, having been together for a time, the familiarity between them does not completely help either, especially in Sophie’s case. The same familiarity and consistency from Ethan have led him to become complacent and lax about their marriage.

As for the ending, going back to what the marriage counselor told Sophie and Ethan, everyone who comes from that vacation house gets out, ‘renewed’, and that’s how I see it, that it was the doppelganger that Ethan took home with him, a ‘renewed’ Sophie. Apart from the obvious clue in the conversation between the two leads towards the ending about what to have for breakfast, the unsettling smile that Sophie gave Ethan when he had to choose which Sophie was the real one and the doppelganger, is not something that the original Sophie would do from my way of understanding. The real Sophie would have yelled at Ethan 1, telling him that they have to hurry up and leave, which she didn’t do.

On Sophie 1’s part, there are a lot of possible factors why she decided to stay. One reason could be her struggle to accept the fact that she has also emotionally cheated on Ethan. Another reason, and one I strongly believe in than most, is that she has completely given up on the original Ethan from the moment she received reassurance from the impostor Ethan. Sophie 1 clings onto this perfect version of Ethan without questioning what this complete stranger’s possible motives are. It is not impossible that Ethan 2 was only being nice to her because he sees her as his only way out of the state. She is trapped in the idea of a picture perfect vacation house, with a husband whom she believes should yield to her and think that she is always right—the best way to portray how humans would rather live in their past, their what-ifs and what-could-have-beens.

It is a running satire of how human beings believe that one’s consistency is considered cemented upon marriage. The idea of monogamy keeps people together more than the reality of commitment despite numerous changes in personality and behavior within the years of the relationship. It is a charming idea but a dangerous one to uphold.

A relationship therefore, is both a commitment and a haven for one’s need for independence.

The movie further emphasizes that the dynamics of human relationships is a relevant study as it sheds a brighter light to understand human nature in all its forms, the choices they make and the consequences of people’s actions in given circumstances, and such.

Still, many questions remain: How can one simply conclude if one’s actions are correct or incorrect? And on what grounds? It is evident that the world isn’t relegated to just black and white. Things can be right or wrong depending on one’s standpoint— logical, moral, spiritual, social, and so on.

“Meaning is lost in translation,” I quote, and true enough, how people interpret films depends on what they can grasp; some may even reject it outright. 

Why I'm Not A Hipster

To start with, let me give a quick definition abt what hipster literally means. Merriam defines it as " a person who is unusually aware of and interested in new and unconventional patterns (as in jazz or fashion)" In layman terms, they're the ones who are thought as weird because their interests aren't of the norm.

I was stereotyped as the weird one since high school.

My classmates were the kind who would stay in the kiosk during lunch and gossip about guys and girls from other schools and their profile pictures and whatnot. Although I do the same thing to a lesser degree, they saw me more as the type who would break into a song and awful dance number. Someone had to be the weirdo. I eventually noticed how I wasnt able to put up with a clique for a long time and how they werent able to put up with me as well. It wasn't about me being hard to get along with. Our wavelengths just never match. To them, weirdo, I was, plain and simple.

What definitely made my classmates label me as the weird one are my interests but I like to think otherwise. The only thing that probably sets me apart is my hatred for bandwagoning. Who would like it when something real and beautiful is just torn down to shreds because people join in the trend without any hint of appreciation for what it really is?

I'm pretty much a simple person. My interests are basic. I like music that are pleasing to my ears. I read books that feed my soul. I watch shows that tickle my imagination and I do things that make me feel alive. Remember the song "Terrified" by Katharine McPhee? Boy, was I furious when that song would be on loop during my third year in high school because ive been gushing about it to them way back first year, which they just ignored.

I guess that's one bad thing about being the outcast--no one ever listens and trusts what you say because most people are often doubtful or even afraid to take a dive into uncharted seas, and I completely understand. However, I just want to ask, if we were made to live monotonous lives, why do we all have free will in the first place? Hasn't it crossed anyone's mind that maybe that's one of the secrets to living a fulfilling life? That maybe sometimes variety is what we all need to fill that emptiness deep down?

Am I really the only one who thinks that at times dancing under the rain can also be fun? Is it really weird to lie down on the street and gaze at the stars and marvel at how vast the sky is at 3AM? Would it be very hipster of me to run on a field and laugh with the grass, as if reuniting with old friends?

Maybe this is just my desire to keep something precious away from the clutches of those who wish to corrupt it, in the same manner that one would nurture a flower by watering it instead of plucking it for personal satisfaction.

Who knows, maybe I really am a hipster or a weirdo, whatever people call it. . . At least, I know what I want even if it means being alone and marching to the beat of my own drum.

[Dumping old stuff]

You Don't Need to Be A Politician to Go On Campaigns...

…because you can simply take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test and end up with the ENFP personality type result like I did and be called The Campaigner.

I have always loved taking exams or quizzes that tell me about who or how I am. Perhaps this is my narcissistic side showing or maybe just me finding comfort in the idea of knowing that someone can always see through me. This being said, I can say that I am no stranger to the Myers-Briggs personality test, as I have tried it for more than five times already in the past three years.

The first time I tried it was during high school and I got the ESFP personality type (or “The Entertainer”) for my result. I was a petty high school adolescent then and I was still figuring out who I am, so without any thinking, I accepted the result just like that. It never crossed my mind to actually take the time to sit and down do some cross-referencing to assess if it was indeed accurate. My friends agreed with the result, though, and I just wholeheartedly held on to that tiny shred of information I considered as my very identity.

Then came college, which served as my training grounds for the war that is life. The times had not been any kinder, which resulted to changes in my opinions, ideas, way of thinking, coping mechanisms, and even to my whole personality as well. Out of sheer boredom, I tried taking the personality test again and ever since that second try, the result has always been the same.

In all honestly, I have realized as time went by that I hate talking about myself. Whenever I am tasked to write an autobiography about myself, I would never go with the traditional concept of sharing how I was born or whether Harry Potter was the first series I ever finished or how I finished and fake-loved The Twilight Saga just because it was all the rage back in the day. I abhor that. Well, maybe hatred is too strong of a word… This runs more along the lines of discomfort and uncertainty, especially since I am still in the primary stage of the long and continuous process of knowing myself. However, I cannot deny that this personality has contributed much in giving me an idea about my self-concept.

Those with the ENFP personality type are said to be the life of the party in a sense that instead of dwelling only in the excitement, we also want to create meaningful connections with people. Sure, I can be talkative, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am everyone’s go-to for fun stuff. Mostly, I am a wallflower on the sidelines—jolly only with the people I am comfortable with, and embarrassingly awkward to those I do not know. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve learned that having a lot of people can be so intoxicating and suffocating. It just made me feel like I was drowning, so I learned to cut off people whom I cannot connect with.

Curiosity is also a known personality of those with the ENFP personality type, and this is something I have to agree with. I can say that I am curious in a way that I am willing to try out almost anything and everything. I am always drawn to stuff that are different, well, different to me, at least. . I mean, am I the only one who thinks that dancing under the rain can also be fun? I understand that it is human nature for us to be afraid to dive into uncharted seas, but we are missing the point. Our privilege of having free will is put to waste if we only choose to live monotonous lives. I believe that sometimes, as long as we don’t cross the line, feeding our curiosity is a step closer to being self-fulfilled.

ENFPs are said to be observant. I asked my friend if this applies to me as I was a bit hesitant if it does. If observant means that we notice every shift in movement, and she said that I don’t qualify. It varies from time to time. There are moments when I only see the intricacy of things that I miss the bigger picture, there are also times when I don’t look at the small details which is what actually completes the bigger picture I focus on. Sometimes, I do these appropriately, and other times, I do not.

They are also believed to be energetic and enthusiastic. This, I can say, is one of my most defining traits that one can almost always never say my name without the word energetic next to it. Believe me when I say I have never gone inside a club ever, and the current events scare me from doing so more than ever. That aside, I always have a lot of energy. I think I’m like a wildfire, once it has been lit, it will be a challenge to get it to stop.

There’s a reason why I chose Broadcast Communication over Entrepreneurship even when at first glance, the latter seems to be the course with more ‘money-making’ opportunities, and that is because of my love for communicating. ENFPs are believed to be excellent communicators. I don’t want to sound very narcissistic, but I can say I’m not that bad. Although my observation skills are not the best, I can still discern body language and put two and two together.

ENFPs are also said to be popular and friendly. The friendly part, I can agree on, but with popularity? I’m going to pass on that. I’m a total loser. Enough said.

Now, we proceed to the weaknesses that ENFPs are known to have. The first one is that we have poor practical skills? Let me tell you a story, and you be the judge. There was this book I really loved, it’s “Specimen Days” by Pulitzer Prize winner Michael Cunningham. I only found it at Booksale in Davao City and got it for only P45. For the reason that I want to share my love for the book and find some people to talk about it, I lent it to a workmate for another company I used to work for. I never got the book back even when I resigned. Fast forward to when I finally moved to Manila, I was just doing some window shopping at SM when my feet led me to Booksale. Guess what I found? It was another copy of the same novel! I was about to head to work then, add the fact that I only had P50 (yep, I was that broke) and the book was for P35. I bought the book, walked to work and borrowed money from a friend and ended the day with a smile enough to last me for a week. Was that practical? I’m not so sure. My judgment can be pretty clouded when it comes to books. Also, as I am writing this, I am torn about spending my extra money between this pair of shoes I don’t really need, some books from the Manila International Book Fair and this cool movie I was planning to watch with a friend. (Note: I ended up buying the shoes and watching the movie)

Another weakness ENFPs have is their short attention span. To be honest, I don’t think that this still has something with the personality type. I think everyone can be easily distracted regardless of whether they are an INTJ or an ESTP. The way that the news feed on Facebook and Twitter works promotes just that, and I’m a fan of both.

ENFPs also tend to overthink things, so they say. I do this sometimes, maybe. I can be pretty emotional too, and I get stressed easily (right now, I am internally crying over having to write three pages about my self-concept), and some say that I have terrible coping mechanisms.

Anyway, I can only say that although the Myers-Briggs personality test helps in profiling our character, we cannot let these kinds of personality tests define us alone. Sure, I do have more energy to spare than most people, but I cannot be denied my moments of tiredness and weariness. Truth be told, I still get the nights when I just want to spread my arms on the bed or cover myself with a blanket and hibernate forever. As social as I am, I still have moments when I isolate myself for fear that if I talk to someone, I’d just curse people to death. Whatever and however I am defined by these tests doesn’t play a bigger role than me knowing what exactly triggers my bad mood, my anxieties and all that. Bottom line is that it is in our human nature to be dynamic, for we are our contradictions of ourselves, and that is the beauty to it.

So, in conclusion, would I say that I agree with this result? Maybe I do in some parts, but not everything applies. I can definitely say I’m better than my high school self, that I can agree, but with reservations.

[JUST DUMPING OLD STUFF]
[Update as of Jan. 2020, INFP na raw ako]

Untitled no. 5

Let me drown you in my sea of misery. I'll adorn you with beautiful and pretentious words with definitions I myself am not aware of. Then I will wrap you up in the tightest way possible with my selfish love and drain all that I have, all that I am for you.

More About the Things I Hate

I hate this kind of conversations where you're supposed to laugh at something someone else thinks is funny, where they're forced to say I'm pretty in all the pictures I send.

I hate how easy it is to just drop an emoticon to fill these gaps of silence. I hate how the words aren't poetry anymore. I hate how my words have evaded me. I hate seeing life just pass by.

I hate that we all have to wake up the next day and take that much required bath and let the droplets of water fall on our skin. (Sure, let's make believe that it's enough to wash away and clear away everything.)

I hate how life is ruthless, how it just goes on regardless of what happens to you. I hate that days have to end and you have to move on just like that. I hate how you can't go on looking for that rush all the time, because it just isn't always there. I hate how you can be there for people but it's not enough in reality.

I hate how people think they know you so well when you don't even know yourself. I hate how I've lost the passion to fight and stick for what I believe in. I hate how I can't sleep in the evenings. I hate how warmth is temporary. I hate how happiness never stays. I hate how much I need loneliness. I hate that I feel so stupid and empty. I hate how going out and reading and talking still do not fill the void. I hate how people leave and just drop you like that.

I hate how people stop trying to peel your layers when all you're waiting is for someone to ask. I hate how people force their way inside your mind and your emotions when you need it the least. I hate how people always think something has happened when you're sad. (Sure, life happened).

I hate how trying doesn't always make the cut. I hate how I'll never be enough. I hate how I lack the strength to just end this. I hate how I just can't dig a hole and bury myself there. I hate how despite all these, I still don't want to miss out on life. I hate how I still want to be something. I hate how hard it is to be something. No, this is not to fish for sympathy.

I hate how people just goes for it in a group activity without even considering what I think. I hate how I'm always cornered by these friends because I'm the youngest. I hate how I live on guilt and gratitude. I hate how people look down on you and trivialize what you're going through. I hate that I don't understand things. I hate that everything is a mess.

An Ode to the Memory of a Friend

I don't know where things started to go wrong or maybe they were never really right from the beginning.

Maybe I was only a means of entertainment, reluctant as you were, because you were down in the dumps and I was the only one around. You settled for me at your worst, because you knew I think so low of myself that you were certain I'd take your shit for gold. Who am I after all, right?

Maybe I was a mere outlet because you know I would always yield to you, because the world has been unkind and you always need to have the upper hand.

You loved me in your misery, but now you're in a better place. Misery sure loves company, and we had our times, but I guess I'll always be a lowly being in your eyes, a nobody.

But you know what? I wish you well.

There will be more stray cans to kick on the streets, more quiet wishes that we cross paths again one of these days. I will accept one day that starting now, I can only toast to you in whispers on my lonesome, drunken evenings. Someday, my mind will come to terms that I may be the only one left smiling at our jokes.

Maybe. . .

Just maybe. . .

Good night to us, dear friend, and may you sleep tight.

Untitled no. 4

But this is not prose or poetry.

This is for when I lose to sadness,
When my heart twists,
And I just want to whimper the whole night through,
Or curl up on my bed.

This is for when breathing becomes a chore,
and the tears start to form.
Deep breaths, deep breaths, I try
And it does help
But only for a moment
Because in the brief second my head clears
Something leads me back to where I was

Deep breaths, deep breaths...
Please...

Just--

ten years from now

I came across an old paper my prof made us write eons ago. I miss my past self dearly, I realize.

Cliché as it is, but the saying about change being the only constant thing still holds true to this day, unless the durability of a Nokia 3310 counts.

How I foresee myself ten years from now is indeed something to think about, but ten years from now is both a long time and a short ine. If it is already a challenge for me to how my life would be a year from now, what more of ten years?

But a girl can dream, and if everything works out for me, then picturing my future self is just a breeze. In a perfect universe, this is how I will be ten years from now:

It is the year 20xx, and I have a year left before I bid my twenties adieu. I am still alive and probably in a foreign country, teaching English to kids. I have stayed there for five months and will be travelling to my tenth foreign country afterwards. My fourth novel has been published. It may not have gotten massive international recognition, but that is beyond my concern. I picture myself staying single, living with a pet dog with his ears down, just the way I like it. I am not the richest person, nor will I be featured in Time magazine's Most Influential, but that is a dream I never had. I will probably own a trailer car and sleep there from time to time--somewhere by the beach, under a ferris wheel or under the bursting and colorful fireworks against a New Year Eve's sky.

Ten years from now, I see myself as someone still alone, but by then I'll have enough self-fulfillment. I will not deny myself of dark and lonely evenings, but ten years from now, I will have sufficient self-love to cover for it. Ten years from now, the Nokia 3310 may still be the most durable thing I'll ever see, and I may not be teaching overseas, but I still myself aiming for the same goal--to love myself enough to keep me going.

I've been so indiferrent look at where it got me. It saddens me to think that the world has conditioned me so well that thinking I could be good enough has become a bitter pill to swallow. I don't want to live just because I'm not dead yet. I miss her; I hope to meet her again.

In My Lonely Hours

Sige, maliligo na ako.

Babangon, magsusuklay, maghihilamos.
Maghihilod, magsasabon at magsisipilyo.
Baka lang naman sakaling matanggal at maalis na tong nakaraang ang tindi ng kapit sa balat ko--itong demonyong nakasusulasok ang baho.

Sige, maliligo na ako.

Magbibihis, magkikilos-tao, lalabas ng kwarto.
Kakain, pansamantalang bibitaw sa telepono. . .

Pero, puta, pagod na ako.
Puta, paos na ako.
Puta, bakit ba ganito?

Nasisikatan ng araw, pero di naagnas.
Ilang krus na ang iniharap, ngunit di pa rin nagwawakas---
Teka, ano'ng dapat magwakas: ako ba o ang parusa?

Ilang araw na'ng nagdaan; wala pa ring pag-usad.

Kahit anong gupit ng kuko'y hahaba rin,
Kahit anong ligo ko'y babaho rin,
Kahit anong sipilyo'y, lalabas din
ang katotohanang "wala kang kwenta!"
"Wala kang patutunguhan!"
"Demonyo ka!"
"Putang ina!"

'Tang ina nga!

Pagod na talaga ako. . .

Pero sige, maliligo pa rin ako.
Magbibihis-tao; magpapanggap na tao, at baka isang araw, may magbago.

Gray Areas

He started, "One of the reasons why I loved you from the start is because you seemed so positive about life. Then I got to know you and there were these gray areas."

My lips formed a smile as my mind gushed over those irises of his. "But I'm more of a rainbow, love..." I trailed off.

...And who ever said expectations should always be met?

Paycheck

When you see your job as nothing but a paycheck, eventually, you'll value the time you've wasted more than all the money you've earned.

What I Hate

I hate building a connection with you.

I want to hate building a connection with you.

Now you know that I want to own a trailer and park it on Star City so I could sleep in it and have the lights from the park for a backdrop.

You now know as well about my dream of driving my trailer to a beach at night and sleep there. And about how I'd love to take Rihanna's cue from one of her music videos and dance on tables. Kiss someone on a playground while we're on the swing. Drink beer while walking by the highway. Sit on top of the jeep during a trip on a late afternoon. Color my hair something bold.

You've even already met Panwi, that black and white picture of a man I've always feared of as a child from a Tempo newspaper, and the bald guys from an old Eggnog commercial who creeped me out. I also told you about how I've feared those colored pictures and illustrations of quasars and other heavenly bodies.

"What a cutie," you said in between laughing, then you pinched my nose.

I sighed and just blamed myself for having a wild imagination as a child.

You said you wanna build a spaceship someday, and I thought maybe I could help you out. Maybe we could take off when we finish building it together and then put the ship on autopilot while we stare into the vast darkness of the outer space. Then, if quasars and Jupiter would still scare the shit out of me, maybe then you could squeeze my hand.

"I know the fear. But I've learned to take comfort in the same fear," you could say.

Then you'd continue, "I'm with you."

And your hand would have that warmth mine has always longed for.

Fuck that.

I hate that I just might want to build this connection with you. I guess I can only blame myself for having this wild imagination even as a grown-up, and I hate that the most. 

Ang Sagot sa Lahat ng Bakit

Kasi ako 'yung taong pinapababa sa trike kasi dalawa yung pasahero sa likod ko kaya kailangan kong mag-adjust at lumipat sa susunod na bibiyaheng trike.

Kasi ako 'yung taong sinisingitan lang sa pila tuwing nasa entrance ako ng mall o kahit anong pila pa 'yan.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi pinapansin pag umo-order ng pagkain sa karinderya.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi inaabutan ng flyer ng mga promos o house and lot sa mall at overpass.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi nakakababa sa dapat kong babaan kahit na maaga pa lang, pumapara na ako sa driver. Sabi naman nila, para na naman daw pang-megaphone yung boses ko.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi nila gugustuhing makatabi sa bus, na baka kahit yung sa tabi ko na lang 'yung bakante, mas pipiliin pa nilang mag-standing ovation sa buong biyahe.

Kasi ako 'yung nakakahiyang babaeng feeling artistang nagbi-breakdown nang walang sabi-sabi sa jeep, sa PNR o sa trike.

Kasi ako 'yung taong naaalala na lang pag nakauwi na siya sa kanila kahit na may usapang may lakad kami.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng hindi maiisip na magugustuhan kasi ang ang taba ko para sa standards niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng lalapitan at kakausapin lang kasi nangako yung ka-carpool niya ng libreng sandwich sa recess.

Kasi ako 'yung mababaw na taong nadadala na kapag nakikita ko yung likod niya o kaya kapag nakakatulog siya. O kaya naman natutuwa nung napansin kong spicy chicken yung lagi niyang kinakain sa Jollibee at laging merong apple pie ang order niya sa McDo.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng nakakapukaw lang ng atensyon niya kasi mailap ako sa mga tulad niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng naniwala sa mga "sana mas maaga kitang nakilala," atsaka sa "Nakikita ko yung future kong kasama ka," pati na rin sa "ibibigay ko sa'yo 'tong singsing na galing pa sa lolo ko."

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng hindi kayang sumabay sa mga laro nila.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng ini-etsapwera na lang pag nailapat na niya yung labi niya sa akin, at kapag naramdaman niyang tinutugon ko na yung bawat galaw niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng pinapapunta ng magulang niya sa sulok para kausapin, kasi hindi raw makakatulong sa 'growth' naming dalawa kung may mamamagitan sa amin.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng nilalandi nung nag-separation trial lang pala sila ng sabi niyang ex-girlfriend niya

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng lalapitan niya kasi nakikita niya minsan sa akin yung dating naging uniberso niya.

Kasi hindi ako pwedeng tumanggi.

Kasi hindi ako pwedeng mapagod, sino ba naman ako kundi isang hamak na bente anyos lang na nilalang?

Kasi malusog ako, malakas, may buhay na mga magulang.

Kasi swerte ako at may trabaho pa ako.

Kasi bata pa ako at malaki at malawak daw ang mundo.

Kasi mas malalim ang pinaghuhugutan niya kaya kailangan ko laging habaan yung pisi ko at saka, "Hoy, wala pa sa kalingkingan ng kuko ko 'yang kinukuda-kuda mo kaya magtigil ka!"

Kasi wala raw siya sa tamang pag-iisip pa-minsan-minsan kaya kailangan kong intindihin na lang kung bigla niyang maisipang ibitin ako ng patiwarik o kaya hampasin ng kung ano'ng mahawakan niya sa gitna ng kalsada, at kung magkapasa-pasa man o paso o kung 'di ako makahinga pag nasiko niya ako, kailangan kong maniwalang nakakagaling yung pang-isang libo niyang "sorry, di na mauulit."

Kasi kailangan kong ibigay at ibalik yung mga bagay na hindi ko naman naranasan sa kanya, bilang utang na loob.

Kasi kailangan kong intindihin na oo, mahal ka nun, pero wait, wait, wait! Kailangan ko munang dumaan ng isang milyong obstacle course para makita 'yon! ♡