It just clicked – my Saturn return is kicking off.

Stumbled upon this on Threads which made me realize it'll take a while before I open up again the way I did with Matt 🤣 Highly doubtful I'll be dating around next year 

I wish I could sell myself like that. I just don't find myself attractive. Am very happy for them. I've had my time, had a good four-year run. Oks na siguro yun. For now. As for when I feel the need to be totnak-ed, it shall pass. 🤷 It's not like it was ever frequent when I was committed, so I'm sure I'll live. 

Napapaisip ako how I survived the last time I was single.

Seeing older women thrive brings me so much hope and makes me believe I have a chance at a better life.

 Got invited to another christening 😔 oh my gosh im so old 🫣 

Yesterday marks the first day I haven't begged you for anything. I was also too busy at work, anyway.

Song on repeat today: 4 Seasons of Loneliness - Boyz II Men

Dami ko readers nung nakaraan, ha. I wonder who you all are. Well, thanks for wasting your time on this tiny, irrelevant space on the internet.

There's someone in the office whom I've dreamt of twice na. Ok fine, si crush yun. 

First dream, I was seated on the floor in front of the lockers habang siya galit na nagro-roll call. Don't ask me why he's pissed, idk either. Mukha naman siyang nonchalant/chill in real life. (Yup, ya girl has a thing for emotionally unavailable-looking men it's already a kink at this point).

Second dream, which was last night, I dreamt kung anong ginagawa niya sa suite nila when he's not in my line of sight. Like, kung paano siya mag-work, ganun. In my dream, parang quality analyst siya and taga-point out ng discrepancies. Bagay kami CHARIZ.

I've been seeing him more frequently in real life, too, and I'm not sure if it's the universe humoring me for the moment out of sympathy or if it's because I've finally allowed myself to take notice. 

I'm not sure what to make of this, I've decided and am trying to de-center men from my life pa naman. I'm pushing myself to think na ang daming babaeng mas kapansin-pansin before me kaya I shouldn't even be delusional about it. Kay Alex pa lang, stop the car na LOL.

I'll admit, medyo nagpapapansin ako nung simula pero as of last night, ayoko na. Cringe ko eh. Being loud is not cute, Athena, okay? 🤮  I haven't told anyone about this and I also don't think I'm going to. Nakakahiyang magkagusto sa kanya kasi he's out of my league. 

Also naalala ko ha, he almost gave me a heart attack nung una ko siyang nakita EVER kasi PUTANGINA AKALA KO SIYA YUNG DATI KONG NAKA-HOOKUP NA NAG-END IN BAD TERMS. MY GOD.

In other news, birthday ng mama ko today.  Natatawa talaga ko dito kasi it's giving Jak Roberto unsint a message. Iniisip ko kung babatiin ko ba. 

Also funny exchange haha

Feeling validated by my boss's laugh reaction haha 

Anyway, just to make things clear, hindi ako namomroblema. I'm just writing out my thoughts.

Tangina, naalala ko lang. Handwriting nya pala naka-tattoo sa akin. Medyo blard na PERO IT'S THE FACT THAT I KNOW IT'S HIS. ANTANGA KO SO MUCH.

Nung bago

Present time

SIGE ATE KO

Alam mo grabe no, kung isipin mo, the fact na eto lang tattoo ko na pumangit nang malala... If I'm being superstitious, parang sign na sinusuka ng katawan ko 🤣 Pero ang daya lang kasi I got that tattoo during a very peaceful time in my life plus I was in love but didn't want to be tacky and tattoo his name or anything super obvious kaya handwriting na lang HAHA

Matt, I fucking miss you. Also realized na I'm so alone na wala na akong emergency contact.

Ang intrusive thought ko for today is i-gargle ang toilet water – don't ask where they're coming from bc idk either. I didn't do it obviously but nasisiraan na ata ko ng bait.

I don't want to be alone but I am isolated.

Sabi ni Matt, I have people from work – wala talaga. It all ends after 5am.

Current favorites

1. Outta My Head - Phonté ft Carmen Rodgers
   
2. Myo - Colde
   
3. Strawberry Moon - J Warner
   
4. Star Signs - Bryson Tiller
   

Tonight I miraculously beat the alarm and woke up completely alone in a dark room, on a bed that misses you, with a mental reminder that you won't be calling anymore. 

Reality is kicking in; you've cleaned up your Instagram account and removed our shared alarm.

We still love each other. What if we closed the distance between us instead?

I made the call, but I can't let go of you. It's hard to move on.

What if someone was supposed to be selfish, and it wasn't me? What if I needed you to just hold on a bit tighter for the time being? Alam kong ang unfair ko.

I wish you could change for me. I've dreamt of sharing a home with you. Bakit di natin kayang lagpasan 'to? Nakakainggit sina Greg at Janine.

 Break na kami. I can't speak negatively of him. Of course, I'm not okay.

Sa ulo ng mga nagbabagang balita...

• This song has been on repeat this week
• Nasira bag ko, mapipilitan akong bumili ng bago earlier than planned... 🫠
• Lala ng growth (read: expansion/weight gain) ko from when I started 😭

2022

2026

Grabe 'di ba LOL. Wonder how much I weigh right this very second. Maybe I should've stopped by to check at work earlier.

• May crush ako sa office. Siya po ang dahilan ko para mag-break, mag-lunch, tumayo, at overall, hindi sumubsob sa work, and I'll take it. Kakaasar though, because why is he so private online? Like, why can't I do more ✨research✨ until I've had my fill?

To expand on the last one...

I feel weirded out, because I'm at the point where I've lost romantic interest towards my partner. Lately, I feel like I have to be in a specific mood to be intimate and it feels like I don't know how to do it anymore with him. What's worse is that I'm still attracted to other people but don't act on it (of course).

Occasionally, nagpapa-tarot reading na lang ako for further validation na tama pang manatili sa relationship na ‘to; obviously, I still factor in things like stability and the possible cost of whatever choice I plan to make. Minsan kailangan ko lang talaga ng external support. Idk.

Di kami compatible kahit aling horoscope tignan, Chinese o Western. Had to check out Four Pillars of Destiny, olats pa rin.

Nananaig naman common sense ko na syempre pseudoscience ang astrology. Aware ako this whole time, okay? Kaso may mga bagay talaga that make me doubt. Fortunately, my low self esteem also reels me back in. Alam mo, if anything, the weight gain has helped me maintain a sense of morality and keep myself from cheating because I don't have the audacity. 

Alam mo feeling ko ginawa akong pangit (or sinadyang hindi maging conventionally attractive, if at all) ng universe kasi the skies had a hunch that if I looked like the way I did, I'd be confident enough to break it off or heck, make immoral choices for selfish reasons. (At the same time aware akong pinabayaan ko sarili ko, okay).

Not my proudest moment, but before ako lumobo, naisip kong makipag-hookup. Nasa malayo naman jowa ko eh, halos 2x a month lang kami magkita. I really would get away with it. Lalo na nung we were starting out pa lang kasi nagawa naman ng ex ko sa akin, ano naman kung gawin ko? Inintindi ko rin talaga utak ko nun kasi nga lagi namang ginagawa ng iba, but do I really want to? Thankfully, di naman pala talaga ako cheater at nananaig pa rin ang tamang pag-iisip sa akin. Ang lala ng loneliness ko nun, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I resorted to that. Yuck, ‘no?

I know it's whether I acted on it or not that really counts, but I didn't want to acknowledge these thoughts or admit it. I've always had these tucked away at the back of my mind until recently.

A huge part of me feels like the relationship isn't serving me anymore.

Before this relationship, my knee-jerk response to inconveniences almost always was to break up. No hesitations. Pero ang hirap now kasi wala namang mali talaga eh. Alam mo yun? Like, we either overcome this or I feel stuck forever.

Also, feeling ko parang ang loser ko if we break up.

Another part of me also feels like ‘eto na talaga yung endgame ko eh, it's just not as great as I expected it to be. Ayoko namang pakawalan tapos wrong move pala. Di rin ako naniniwala sa kung tayo, tayo talaga kasi a relationship takes work, hindi laging destiny-destiny. What if itong pinagdadaanan ko yung "work" na tinatawag? I also remember saying after this guy, if wala talaga, then wala na. It's just not for me. 

Siguro hinihintay ko na lang kung ma-overcome ko ba 'to or mauumay na talaga ko.

Di ko keri bumitaw basta-basta kasi walang lantarang mali about the relationship.

Iniisip ko tuloy ngayon, what lesson am I supposed to learn here — asserting myself and my needs or staying resilient lang kasi nga everything in life takes work and effort?

Kasi tanggap ko nang ‘di totoo yung relationships are easy with the right person. Walang right one and tayo ang may control over that.

But when I think about it, I was single for a long time before this relationship and that experience taught me to enjoy being alone. So, if we break up naman, I'll grieve pero life should still go on.

Kaso grabe yung 4 years. Longest relationship ko ‘to. I've never been in a relationship for more than a year until this one. Sunk cost fallacy ba ‘to? Hahaha……… not funny.

Before you blame me for not speaking up, let me stop you right there. 

I have communicated my needs but he doesn't have a job right now or the money. Although when he was still employed, it's hard to push him to take me out on dates other than the usual eat out.

Sabi ni ChatGPT, a date could be:

• going somewhere you've never gone together - very rarely and he's hard to request this from
• planning a picnic - I wish but he says it's not doable
• taking a long walk somewhere interesting - we would walk but that's it, guess that counts
• watching something together that neither of you has seen - we always do
• cooking something together - we occasionally do although he does more of the cooking 
• planning a day around something you enjoy - we don't really do anything other than media consumption and talk or laugh about it
• finding a free event - I'd like to say he does look for free events but they're more geared towards his interest. I also don't really have anything specific that I want so I would tag along on the rare occasions we would go.
• surprising you with something small - It pisses me off when he'd say he considered giving me so and so, or that he considered surprising me, and I'm not sure if that's him telling me to low-key be satisfied because it's the thought that counts. Funny, ‘no. 
• simply taking responsibility for planning the date instead of waiting for you to initiate - He does this. To his credit, he has mostly been in charge of planning our labas because I told him straight up that it's hard to plan around his rigidity and I’m scared when he gets pissed about things that don't go right, sometimes due to things outside my control, sometimes due to poor planning on my part. He acknowledged this naman.

I have acknowledged a lack of appreciation of his efforts on my end in the past but he's right about this issue being a repetitive cycle where I feel dissatisfied, we talk about it, we reach some sort of agreement, and then repeat.

We have talked about possibly having a different understanding or needs within a relationship and it feels like that's where our incompatibility lies. 

But more than our potential incompatibility, maybe a lot of this has to do with me. I don't feel desirable enough, and so, I can't accept love. It doesn't matter what he does when I'm also a problem. It's like spraying water in the desert in an attempt to cause a flood. And I'll never be satisfied.

Pero sa totoo lang, he's all I have right now apart from myself and do I really want to live without him? I try to imagine how my days will be if I let go.

Should I subject him to this uncertainty? In hindsight, I feel bad knowing he's at peace while I'm out here feeling unsure about him. 

A breakup is the final act of love, both for your partner and yourself. And if I can't decide for my own sake, maybe instead of selfishly thinking of my comfort, it would be easier if I keep in mind that this is unfair to him. We both have a lot of growing to do and, maybe holding on when I'm not even sure about him is keeping us both from moving forward and flourishing. 

I know I can live with him as my lifetime companion, but is this still a genuine desire of mine or an idea I’m stubbornly refusing to outgrow? 

Ang tagal ko nang pinag-iisipan ‘to.

I just know there's no turning back if I go that route.

I wish I didn't call the shots kasi ang pagod mag-ruminate over this ha.

Sana bigyan ako ng sign. Iniisip ko nang magsimba, sa totoo lang.

I've also already introduced him to my father, and he's been accepting of me and my situation.

 Pahinging sign sa birthday ko, please.

TANGINA MAY KWENTO AKO MATATAWA KA.

YUNG DILD* KO NAHALO SA LAUNDRY KO

ANSAYA ANO

September 2026

 

It's been almost 10 years since this photo. 

I miss parts of the girl I once was.

 Me: gustong mag-WFH

Boss: nagpa-Spin the Wheel

 Today was a kinder day.

Someone said pag madidinig niya akong tumatawa, natatawa din daw siya. 🥹

 the future is not as frightening when it is the present

but i am so, so tired.

 Napag-agreehan namin ni Matt na this too shall pass, ika nga. 

I am so tired. My body feels bruised all over. My mind is dead. Trying to feel better with an electric blanket.

Good quote: Mas masahol pa sa bobo ang bobong nagmamarunong.

I forgot how it started pero magkasama kaming namimili ng pagkain. Tuwang tuwa pa ako kasi tumatanggap ng card yung tindera. Sa kalye kasi sila nagbebenta, dun sa may elementary school

Tapos namili ako pagkain, uminom ako 7-Up tapos dinala ko si kidnapper sa bahay unintentionally. Bale naghiwalay kami after buying food, sabi ko gusto kong umuwi. Di ko alam sinusundan nya pala ako tapos inunlock nya gate tsaka pinto ko, all to show na I'm not safe where I live.

Then parang inalok nya akong sumama sa kanya pero I declined kasi I don't feel safe with him nga. Then after nun may nakita akong nakaabang sa bahay tapos tinitignan ako habang nakasilip ako sa bintana then may kasama syang student. Parang nagpapanggap siyang basurero para may dahilan siya to be at my street. Naka pasok yung student sa apartment then in-ask nya ako from outside my door if I want to have sex with them kasi gusto nya daw ma-experience yung "susunod na Nicole" Of course, I said no. Tas habang nag usap kami pumasok din yung lalaki sa apartment/compound then nagmakaawa ako sa pinsan kong wag syang umalis and wait nya ako nataranta ako kakahanap ng go bag ko hanggang iniwan ako ni cousin kasi dun siya sumabay kay Nicole and kidnapper palabas ng compound

So nag-isip ako pano ako lalabas ng bahay kasi baka dakpin nila ako sa gate pa lang. Nagbook ako Moveit pero worried akong baka kakuntsaba din siya nung kidnapper

I don't feel like I exist. I feel like I am too big for the life I have and I don't like who I am or the life I live.

 The entire way to work feels like a walk of shame, but I power through taking every next step. Today is another one of those when I don't feel that I exist or shouldn't, at least.

I feel like whoever I was supposed to be is bigger than this life I'm contained in. I just don't like who I am. I hate myself so much. I really hate myself. I fucking hate myself. 

Is it a backhanded compliment when someone tells you to try something new because there are others who made it with far less qualifications?

I may be wrong but it reminds me of when my aunt called me an underachiever and I took it to mean that I was being called some type of achiever until I understood the word, which just proved her point. 

Right now, it feels to me like I'm being told to try, not in an encouraging way, but without any concern at all because it doesn't matter what I do and because, "people who are less qualified do and win anyway."