Naalala ko, nag-Tinder ka nga pala dati. It really just isn't me. I get it. I'll get over this. I'm sorry. 

Naghahanap ako kung may pinakitaan ba ako nung usapan natin nung unang beses akong umamin sa'yo. Gusto ko lang basahin ulit para matatak sa isip ko, pero iba yung nakikita ko. Di ko na ilalagay dito, sasarilin ko na lang. Lol.

Di ako pwede magbackread sa chat natin kasi nasa ignored messages ka kasi gusto kong maalis yung temptation dati na kausapin ka. Nagawa ko naman. Di na nga ako gaano nagbababad sa Facebook. Haha 

Good night salamat sa time. Okay lang ako. Miss lang kita

Hindi ako magmamakaawa pero syempre di mo naman maaalis sa akin magbargain kung non-negotiable na ba talaga yung no mo beb. 

I'm recreating the playlist you sent me before in case you think of deleting it, kung ikaw nga tong nagbabasa dito, so that I won't have any more of you to hold on to. You'd probably think it's for my own good so that I can get over this quicker, but I'll do it at my own pace. I tend to be stubborn, you know. 

I carefully placed them in order in case they were curated and meant to be listened to a certain way. It's going to be exactly how you made it, but all to myself. 

You can't imagine how much ako natatawa na lang sa sarili ko. I'm very much aware of how I look like, but it is what it is. I have to acknowledge it for what it is so that I can stay in control of myself and my emotions. 

Ika nga, the enormity of my desire disgusts me. 

Now that I've let these out, my mind's clearer. It's the same thing as before. I should let go of this. Wala akong pinanghahawakan—I need to keep this in mind all the fucking time. How I feel is different from how you feel. You don't see me the way I see you.

God help me. I love you, but it's do or die here.

I love you this is bad. We are never going to meet halfway. No matter how much I'm willing to extend myself, you just don't want to. This is fine. My feelings are my responsibility. 

I love you. I wish I mattered enough that you'd want me to be in your life as much as I want you in mine, but it just isn't like that.

Don't get me wrong, walang mali about wanting space for yourself. I'm doing that now, pero ang hirap kasi I held it in this whole time. I lied when I told you I like you the first time, that I only did it to "nip the bud before it can blossom". It fucking never stopped blooming. That was bullshit. I fucking held it in. I went out with other guys to look for other options, so you'd think it's not you anymore, but in the small moments, I know you're the one I really like. But hey at least I tried di ba? Fucking lol talaga. Man I'm so frustrated.

Kaya eto. The wound has festered and now here we are. I don't want to hold it in anymore. I'm in my process of healing, and I need to do this. I value your person more than my feelings kasi pero I still lost you. 

Watch me switch to being marupok in a few days tho. Tangina ang hina ko sa'yo. 

I was lying on last night's entry I'm sorry. I want you. I wish I was still somehow a part of your life and not someone who once was and now is part of a script you're ready to film and move on from. Anong "I don't need you to come back"? Oo I don't but do I want it? Hell yeah. I fucking want you.

I wish you'd want me to stay. I can wait. But I'm doubtful. Wishful thinking nga ako. Wishfuckingful thinking. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. 

You are all the songs in the fucking world!!!

I will now go to sleep God fucking bless me!

I'll read your script fine but the thought alone makes my stomach ache. I'll go to sleep then read it. 

I've been reading up on the Holocaust so not at all unproductive re: reading btw

But you deleted it huh. Okay. I guess I've truly lost you, huh. Thanks. Ang sakit nun ah. Ang bigat sa puso. Naiiyak na naman ako lintik na yan. 

 Sabi ni Adi, nawawala yung pagiging marupok ko pag nag-uumaga na, pero alas onse na ngayon. Wala raw retrograde sabi ni Reyna. Tapos na rin buwanang dalaw ko. I can't anymore with this yearning. Lol

Buti na lang kaya kong mag-rationalize. I guess I'll just let myself feel this then pick myself up and go. And it'll be a cycle. Until I can fully confront you and my feelings and let you know for the last fucking time. For my peace of mind. Sabi ni Adi, hindi raw maganda na nagcoconclude ako on my own kahit na sinabi kong nireject mo na ako nung 2020 pa lang ba yun? Di ko na rin nga maalala. I wanted her to tell me I'm being delusional, pero ineencourage niya akong sabihin sa'yo lahat. How can I sum up months of diary entries where I wish it's you I'm talking to? Of course I can't. I don't even think you'd want me to say anything about it to you. Not from me. I know you'll never see me like that. And I'm not ready yet because when I do so, I never rebuild the bridges I burn. And this yearning is just too strong. It's do or die kasi when I get to that point. 

Maybe it's the season. I'm usually okay, and I'm still okay, but I just miss you terribly.

What do I want exactly? I just want you, really.

Hindi na lang pala ako magsasabi kung kailan ang magiging huli kong iyak para sa'yo. Karapatan ko namang maramdaman 'tong nararamdaman ko, at bakit hindi? Matino naman yung taong gusto ko e. 

Siguro ididikdik ko na lang sa kokote kong this is just a phase, a moment of weakness. I'll let myself loose and break for now.

I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm understanding and accepting, but I can't let go just yet. I'm still counting on the off chance that time would do its thing and make it work.

I wish you were gay instead, but that you still come back. 

I wish I could say I'm just being obsessed over a fictionalized version of you, but what I think of when I think about you is that I like your company, and that it feels safe, and I like talking to you. I love your thoughts. I like looking at you. I like being near you. And that even if it's just you and me in the stillness, it'll be okay. Maybe even perfect if that isn't being too much. And I like your family. And I want your dreams for you. I like taking up space with you. 

And that I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to hold back. You said it's gonna take a long time, I know. Pero grabe. Grabe. Di ko na alam. I miss you so much.

I told Adi this, and let me tell you this too—there hasn't been anyone by far whom I've ever wanted to be my significant other and whom I'm comfortable letting my walls down for but you. Napag-usapan nating marupok ako basta natrato ako nang maayos. Ewan ko. Sana ganun na lang talaga di ba? Madaming iba. Hindi ako takot mag-isa, at kung takot man ako, hindi mahirap maghanap. At hindi naman talaga ako mag-isa kung tutuusin, pero gusto kita.

I've always had one foot out the door and another foot in, just to keep me in check should things go south, but this time, I'm turning the knob and closing the door behind me. I am carefully heading your way, one slow step at a time. I have taken my heart out on my sleeve and am offering it to you. You're not taking all of me, I've learned as much, but you can have a significant part of me. 

I wish I could follow your sense of time so that maybe we could meet at a certain point and be on the same page. 

I am not calling it quits. I will not let go just yet. But I badly, badly miss you.

You sent me this song through a playlist, alam mo pa ba yun? Funny lang yung part below because I feel this for you

I've been hangin' on because

You're the only one I love

Even when you're giving up

Giving up

Giving up

And I feel like this for you. 

Honestly, right now, I'm listening to that playlist you sent me from way, way back. I guess this is the closest I'll ever be to you.

Anon, thanks for reading. I really need to let this out, but I don't want to be shouting to the void lang. I miss him, bb. 

But if you're him, and if you think worth it 'tong ginagawa ko, na may patutunguhan din 'to pero kailangan lang ng pasensya, kaya kong maghintay. Let me be. Kayang-kaya kong habaan pasensya ko until you come back. I can't talk to you about this yet. But you're the one I want. And you're worth it. I just hope we eventually meet halfway.

But if this is waiting in vain, then don't worry either. I'll eventually get tired and I'll let you know about everything. And then I'll call it quits. But right now, I'm okay. I just miss you. Take care of yourself. I want you to be happy, okay?

I have nothing to lose anymore. 

If I censor your name, it's not like you're still around for me to be self-conscious, so why should I still hold myself back?

This friend probably doesn't know how much I value their words. Anyway, you told me this once too.

Kaya naalala na naman kita. Are you coming back?

I don't need you to. I'm okay, really. Pero distance makes the heart grow fonder nga ata. Honestly, I just want this to be gone if shallow lang 'to. Ayokong mag invest ng oras ko tapos di ko naman pala kayang panindigan. Okay lang naman yung ganito. Lol ang muntanga no siguro magfe-facepalm ka kasi di mo gets bakit ako ganito. Ako rin e. Sana di mo to mabasa. If there truly is someone else who checks this part of the internet, right now, I hope it's not you on the other end of the screen. I don't want you to see me make a fool of myself. Baka kasi di mo gets. Di ko rin gets e. But if that's you, then I'm sorry. Please don't be frustrated. I'm sorry. I don't understand why I'm like this kasi okay lang talaga ako e. I'm not longing for a man. Kaya kong mag-isa. Masaya at stable pag-iisip at emotions ko ngayon. It's just that you creep into my thoughts sometimes and I find myself yearning. But I'm better and it's not crazy like I feel heartbroken or something. I guess I just miss the fun times. Or maybe I just miss you. I hate being corny. And I don't know where it's coming from. Let's just say it's the hormones, okay? 

You have to understand I'm just as weirded out because it's always been out of sight, out of mind for me and now this. But it's not really a bad thing. I'm okay pining for you. I can handle myself. :)

Laro tayo Wordle. Lol. Naisip ko lang din ba na dahil medyo di ako makapaniwalang my mind is THIS sound, na baka may chismis sa mga ginagawa ko so I booked a chart reading and I realized I could've spent that money on therapy. Hahahahhahaha. Oo na, I won't do it again unless I truly have cash to burn.

Natawa lang ako kasi I never thought this is how I appear to my friends lol na reserved na pala ako sa emotions ko kaya consider yourself lucky I give you access to this. 

My friend is telling me to confront you. I don't want to completely lose you just yet. I've learned being direct all the time doesn't work, that sometimes I have to be patient and go with the motions. Or maybe that's the right thing to do and I'm just being stubborn. I need to drill in my head that I'm being delusional all this time kasi you already said no once and even asked if there was anything you need to change with how you're dealing with me. 

Confronting you and laying it all out has a sense of finality to it. I'm not ready for that just yet. 

I want to give it time. I've only started to look at my life through a different lens; you're just getting started with aiming for your goal in life. I want to think it's too early to close this door. Maybe if I give it enough time, maybe if I'm patient enough, then maybe, things work out nicely.

So what do I want, right?

I guess what's been frustrating this whole time was that I was very much willing to set aside my affection for you if that means we get to stay friends, but I couldn't even have that. 

I've had friends whom I've stopped talking to for a while, but yours was different. My only access to you was through a single window pane, maybe the size of a mousehole. And sure, in comparison to the whole world that you've shut out, it counts a lot, but I don't know.

It just feels like you're never coming back.

If this one person reading all these turns out to be you, it'll be awkward if I just copy paste this when I do finally get the guts to confront you. Lol. But this is what I want to tell you anyway.

I know people will always need space, and that your need for personal space is highly different from the rest. But idk.

Don't get it wrong. I'm perfectly aware this is all on me. Anyway, umaga na ulit. Good as new. 

 Maybe you don't really exist. 

These songs make me think of you:

Bakuran - Johnoy Danao

"Sa tuwing nabubura ang patlang sa 'ting mga kamay"

(I'm not assuming anything, it's just that it made me think it would be sweet to tell someone how you would always hold their hand in reference to this line)

Jackrabbits - Joanna Newsom

"My faith makes me a dope.

But you can take my hand,

In the darkness, darling,

Like a length of rope.

I shaped up overnight, you know,

The day after she died.

When I saw my heart,

And I'll tell you, darling,

It was open wide.

What with telling you I am

Telling you I can—

I can

Love you again;

Love you again."

Easy - Joanna Newsom

"I am easy,

Easy to keep.

Honey, you please me

Even in your sleep.

But my arms want to carry,

My heart wants to hold;

Tell me your worries,

I want to be told."

Keep Falling in Love - Kevin Krauter

This is for you:

**

You fill the space in my mind in the quiet of the night and in the calm of songs. You are not barely on my mind. I want to give you all that is beautiful, and you deserve nothing less than pure.

Hay. Anyway. Lol man I'm down bad. Right now, I'm also half embarrassed to be saying these things because how can I feel this way when we don't even talk as much anymore? I'd like to water this down to no more than infatuation, but I also don't want to invalidate how I feel at the same time. 

**

Archiving. I'd catch a bullet for these people.

✨ stan athena for clear skin and good sleep✨

Oo, may tama ako ngayon ng onti pero I'm sober enough to know na mahal kita and ang sakit pa rin talaga na ganito. I'll be upfront. This whole time I've been hoping you're Ryan. Yun lang. 

I've decided not to do anything about it and just focus on myself.

Regardless of whether you get to read this or not, I don't care. I just need to put this out there in the universe. Ry, sure na 'to. I love myself enough to want to get over this stupidity for good. Huling iyak na yun. Di naman kita iniyakan madalas, minsan lang :) who knows in the future right? My door will always be open. Why would I pass up on a chance with the best guy I've known my whole life so far, right? But yeah I gotta stop being hopeful na baka enough yung relevance ko sa buhay mo for it to count for something and idk anyway I've always known. I always have. But wishful thinking got me. Anywazeeeeee onto the good stuff!

In other news, here's a fairly recent video:

https://youtu.be/vsf9MU2IpLs

I also went out last night. Here are some pics

Do you feel spoiled yet hahaha grabe update ko no oo true basta ikaw number 1 fan kita e lmao anyway happy Sunday in case you read this now or I hope you enjoyed today in case you read this tomorrow I'm thinking of just watching a movie now

Edit 4:36pm la pa ako tulog na matino since last night pero share ko lang kasi funny lang the differences haha

Being happy is nice :)

And it's about time kaya for us to be happy, yes you too!! I'M TALKING TO YOU. I hope you are or will be if u haven't been. I know it doesn't come easily and u know I KNOW but hey :) they weren't lying when they said it gets better.

Ang lala ng epekto ng dati kong trabaho haha kala mo makaka-refresh tulog ko pero puta gumising akong aligaga at sinasakal nga ako. Ampangit pero funny siya ikwento hahaha

 You know how it's pretty normal to have bad stuff to deal with in life? Yeah this still holds true, but fuck! I never thought I'd have such a sound mind and that I'll be in this headspace now. I'm not excited for life, per se, but good Lord, I'm at peace. Things are calm. I'm not gonna get paid until the 28th, but while that's kind of a financial trouble, I think life is good right now. This is the good place. 

Ganda lighting sa kwarto haha

I think I've made this small room a haven for myself. I'm sleeping on the bed again.

Alam mo I love my body enough to wash it properly I love myself enough to make sure the space I occupy is not dirty I love myself enough to give myself the things I want I love myself enough to make time na mapamper ko sarili ko I love myself enough to be straightforward and appreciate that this isn't bad I can't say I love life because how can you love shit? But I'm okay and I'll deal with shit just fine. I have enough love to go around for the people I love.

I love myself enough to pick myself up after every breakdown :) I love myself enough to let myself feel blah on my periods alam mo yun? I don't think I'm stagnant. You only think you're stagnant when ure rushing through something, and right now I'm not. I'm just making the most of my days and living my life one day at a time and I don't need to cross out a checklist of "Adulting milestones"

2022 is the year of taking consistent baths.

What good things can I take with me to the grave? I'm not aiming for anything or to be anyone different right now, but I can say so far, I've enjoyed good music, good movies, good stories, good company (in my standards), and all other good things I can keep around me. So far so good. 

Life is okay. Take it easy too, alright?

You know that training I was worried about a while back? We were required to finish 21 courses, I was freaking out the whole time but completed 22. Lol.

Naiiyak na ako sa training ko. 2 pa lang nagagawa ko out of 22. Today ang due date. Tapos puro rates, puro batas, puro bills. AYOKO NA. LUMAKI AKONG BOBO SA MATH TAPOS KAILANGAN KO MAGING INSTANT NUMBER PRODIGY??? IM SO OVERWHELMED. 

NI HINDI KO NGA ALAM ANO GREATER AT LESS THAN SYMBOL

Sorry ganda lang ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ganda webcam sa bago kong work

I'm also on my period right now, first day, and I feel so low. Naiiyak ako. Gusto ko ng silvanas.

 You know how, save for the bit about you being my guy, you're the first line of Chanel? You're so pretty you look like someone straight out of a War Kong Wai movie. 

Tonight is my first time sleeping on my bed again since September.

 I'm gonna get my chart read this weekend and here are the questions I have: 

You know, about love, I want to ask about you specifically, but I have to really open my mind to the idea that it just might not happen for us. I say might because wishful thinking, but that's really all that I have at this point.

 https://open.spotify.com/track/55OIkHG26gFRYsf2S0fQb9?si=mRrBBfxlScu3UsazqEVcmQ&utm_source=copy-link

You're still the best. Sorry. I think I miss you. I guess this is what they say about distance making the heart grow fonder.

Remember that friend I mentioned yesterday? The one I was teaching how to play Wordle? He's been asking a lot of personal questions and I don't want to get to know anyone new anymore. I'm on my guard right now. I'm okay with the people I have in my life right now, the people I've had. I don't have the right emotional state to make room for more people. I don't want anyone to get to know me so much like you do me. You're the only guy whose typos I will forgive.

You're the only one who holds space here. 

I'm still cheering on for you while you grow even more as a person. I'm just here till I'm not. The space will remain until it doesn't.

I miss you. 

**

 I hope I could talk to you. There are so many things I wish I could say to you, but you're not here. I feel a little sad about something, and there's no one else I'd like to open up to about it but you because you're the person who'll understand it best. You're right, there isn't anyone on here I can trust. 

 Thanking my lucky stars for being in a much, much better headspace now than I've ever been my entire life (tho still imperfect)

I've opted to immediately resign from work instead of juggling my training and rendering as there is only a two-hr difference between the two and would I wanna be sued for moonlighting? I mean why would I even subject myself to that kind of pain, baby?

Met a new friend from my new work right now and I've taught him how to play Wordle. 

Hehe the simple joys in life. This could be us but you're anonymous 🙄

Hope you're doing fine right now, my constant. I am.

 Ang weird kiligin over someone from way, way back lol anyway i just want february to come and go already so that I dont need to juggle stuff :) and i noticed there have been more views on my older entries i wonder who they are. life is good right now. life is well. :) I'm surprisingly at peace now. :) 

edit: hey hindi sa nagmamaganda ha pero ang weird meron daw may crush sa akin agad sa new work like r they high ok lang kayo? lol the disappointment when yall get to know me may sarili akong batas na kinagagalawan alam nyo ba yon lol and meron pa irereto sa akin na hinahanap ako kasi nga di ako umattend ng party ng bf ng fren q luh i mean hehe tenks sa validation altho i dont rly need it but like ??? r u ok dont be like that u dont know me it's weird im weird i think nobody's liked me ever like that esp when they get to know me for real pero nagka ex ako so maybe im not half bad hehe anyway kebs good fucking luck basta im never gonna fucking settle again. never. i love myself enough not to settle for less na

 https://youtu.be/ugbi5xK_LiY

No words eto na lang HAHAHAHHA

 

This is the best hoodie I've ever worn. I'm not sure if the quality of the fabric was that great, but I prefer to inject an inkling of romance and think that it's mostly because at some point, there were remnants of you that kissed my skin. 

Hey you, you inspire me. I love you. 

I'm thinking if I should start going all in since I don't have anything to lose anyway as far as you're concerned, but I tend to burn my wick a lot faster when I do so. I'll keep thinking about it for now. 

 Are you just a figment of my imagination? 

 For the first time masaya ako sa lasa ng niluto ko. 

The previous ones were just attempts to keep from starving kasi but this one I'm happy about hehe

I found a job but it's just 3k higher than my currently salary

Natouch ako sa mga sinabi ng kawork ko:

I can't decide.

**

I still sleep on the floor, you know. And I still miss my dog. And I still miss you. And I wanted to say I love you, but of course, why would I? What's so wrong with nostalgia, anyway? I still sleep on the floor, and I still wish my dog was here, and that some people were still around, but this only means I have it in me to keep a space somewhere in me for you, and to wish you well, and to think of you on some days.

Live a good life, you. 

**

Babe for the first time, nagresign akong masaya  :)

Naisip ko lang ba, mas tumagal pa itong silent relationship natin more than any of those of my former flames lmaoooooo anywaze 

As always work is stressful lol but wala akong maramdamang sense of urgency maghanap ng iba tbh. Siguro kasi hinihintay ko lang silang alisin ako + may target amount ako sa ipon before resigning.

You should be proud of me, you wouldn't want to be my boss kasi I was fucking rude. Exhibit A: 

Kung kaya mo tiyagain yan. 5 pages yan in total, it was just me complaining. Char. Naglagay din ako good points nila para balanced.

Then they sent me a notice for my sick leaves gawa nga ng pagka-COVID+ ko. Their point would have been valid had my manager not explicitly say that a medical certificate is no longer needed, since my test result should suffice... BUT SHE SAID SO NA NO NEED NA. AND I HAVE SCREENSHOTS TO PROVE IT.

EWAN KO LORD. I kinda regret sending my follow up email tho. Wish I stopped from my first email

Ang passive aggressive kasi nung sa last pic na part. But kebs if I'm jobless e di so be it. Maybe that's the nudge I need to finally be done with this.

Anyway someone sent me this a while back and I'm so lazy to sustain a Convo with them but I can't lie really so dito ko na lang sabihin kasi sa'yo na lang ako comfy magshare lmao

Tbh I am ok :) but mostly bc I'm pushing away the serious stuff off my head until the situation calls for me to really think of them. So idk if that either means I'm really okay and that the problem was how I perceived stuff or that I'm just okay bc I'm escaping from things... Hahaha but I'll savor this good feeling while it lasts

There's one more thing I could share but I'm not in the mood for it. If I ever will be, idk. Maybe I'll keep it to myself forever so that I can finally move on from it.

Hope ure ok take care.

Also umorder ako today, nagluto ako ulit adobo pero di ako masaya sa lasa. Wala talaga ako talent dito 🙂

 Working from home is turning out to be fun so far!! I ordered earlier this morning as in Monday morning but I did not eat the rice that came with my order so I went and made fried rice with it hahaha

And then I made pork adobo again lol

Sorry puro experiment ko na ang andito hahaha

I wanna resign lol hirap lang talaga maghanap ng malilipatan na maganda

Anw ayan nga ya girl wasn't kidding when she said she can't handle serious stuff 

Like meh I can't deal with life-changing situations or choices muna ok??? Give me a break hahaha