Sabi ni Adi, nawawala yung pagiging marupok ko pag nag-uumaga na, pero alas onse na ngayon. Wala raw retrograde sabi ni Reyna. Tapos na rin buwanang dalaw ko. I can't anymore with this yearning. Lol

Buti na lang kaya kong mag-rationalize. I guess I'll just let myself feel this then pick myself up and go. And it'll be a cycle. Until I can fully confront you and my feelings and let you know for the last fucking time. For my peace of mind. Sabi ni Adi, hindi raw maganda na nagcoconclude ako on my own kahit na sinabi kong nireject mo na ako nung 2020 pa lang ba yun? Di ko na rin nga maalala. I wanted her to tell me I'm being delusional, pero ineencourage niya akong sabihin sa'yo lahat. How can I sum up months of diary entries where I wish it's you I'm talking to? Of course I can't. I don't even think you'd want me to say anything about it to you. Not from me. I know you'll never see me like that. And I'm not ready yet because when I do so, I never rebuild the bridges I burn. And this yearning is just too strong. It's do or die kasi when I get to that point. 

Maybe it's the season. I'm usually okay, and I'm still okay, but I just miss you terribly.

What do I want exactly? I just want you, really.

Hindi na lang pala ako magsasabi kung kailan ang magiging huli kong iyak para sa'yo. Karapatan ko namang maramdaman 'tong nararamdaman ko, at bakit hindi? Matino naman yung taong gusto ko e. 

Siguro ididikdik ko na lang sa kokote kong this is just a phase, a moment of weakness. I'll let myself loose and break for now.

I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm understanding and accepting, but I can't let go just yet. I'm still counting on the off chance that time would do its thing and make it work.

I wish you were gay instead, but that you still come back. 

I wish I could say I'm just being obsessed over a fictionalized version of you, but what I think of when I think about you is that I like your company, and that it feels safe, and I like talking to you. I love your thoughts. I like looking at you. I like being near you. And that even if it's just you and me in the stillness, it'll be okay. Maybe even perfect if that isn't being too much. And I like your family. And I want your dreams for you. I like taking up space with you. 

And that I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to hold back. You said it's gonna take a long time, I know. Pero grabe. Grabe. Di ko na alam. I miss you so much.

I told Adi this, and let me tell you this too—there hasn't been anyone by far whom I've ever wanted to be my significant other and whom I'm comfortable letting my walls down for but you. Napag-usapan nating marupok ako basta natrato ako nang maayos. Ewan ko. Sana ganun na lang talaga di ba? Madaming iba. Hindi ako takot mag-isa, at kung takot man ako, hindi mahirap maghanap. At hindi naman talaga ako mag-isa kung tutuusin, pero gusto kita.

I've always had one foot out the door and another foot in, just to keep me in check should things go south, but this time, I'm turning the knob and closing the door behind me. I am carefully heading your way, one slow step at a time. I have taken my heart out on my sleeve and am offering it to you. You're not taking all of me, I've learned as much, but you can have a significant part of me. 

I wish I could follow your sense of time so that maybe we could meet at a certain point and be on the same page. 

I am not calling it quits. I will not let go just yet. But I badly, badly miss you.

You sent me this song through a playlist, alam mo pa ba yun? Funny lang yung part below because I feel this for you

I've been hangin' on because

You're the only one I love

Even when you're giving up

Giving up

Giving up

And I feel like this for you. 

Honestly, right now, I'm listening to that playlist you sent me from way, way back. I guess this is the closest I'll ever be to you.

Anon, thanks for reading. I really need to let this out, but I don't want to be shouting to the void lang. I miss him, bb. 

But if you're him, and if you think worth it 'tong ginagawa ko, na may patutunguhan din 'to pero kailangan lang ng pasensya, kaya kong maghintay. Let me be. Kayang-kaya kong habaan pasensya ko until you come back. I can't talk to you about this yet. But you're the one I want. And you're worth it. I just hope we eventually meet halfway.

But if this is waiting in vain, then don't worry either. I'll eventually get tired and I'll let you know about everything. And then I'll call it quits. But right now, I'm okay. I just miss you. Take care of yourself. I want you to be happy, okay?