I have nothing to lose anymore. 

If I censor your name, it's not like you're still around for me to be self-conscious, so why should I still hold myself back?

This friend probably doesn't know how much I value their words. Anyway, you told me this once too.

Kaya naalala na naman kita. Are you coming back?

I don't need you to. I'm okay, really. Pero distance makes the heart grow fonder nga ata. Honestly, I just want this to be gone if shallow lang 'to. Ayokong mag invest ng oras ko tapos di ko naman pala kayang panindigan. Okay lang naman yung ganito. Lol ang muntanga no siguro magfe-facepalm ka kasi di mo gets bakit ako ganito. Ako rin e. Sana di mo to mabasa. If there truly is someone else who checks this part of the internet, right now, I hope it's not you on the other end of the screen. I don't want you to see me make a fool of myself. Baka kasi di mo gets. Di ko rin gets e. But if that's you, then I'm sorry. Please don't be frustrated. I'm sorry. I don't understand why I'm like this kasi okay lang talaga ako e. I'm not longing for a man. Kaya kong mag-isa. Masaya at stable pag-iisip at emotions ko ngayon. It's just that you creep into my thoughts sometimes and I find myself yearning. But I'm better and it's not crazy like I feel heartbroken or something. I guess I just miss the fun times. Or maybe I just miss you. I hate being corny. And I don't know where it's coming from. Let's just say it's the hormones, okay? 

You have to understand I'm just as weirded out because it's always been out of sight, out of mind for me and now this. But it's not really a bad thing. I'm okay pining for you. I can handle myself. :)

Laro tayo Wordle. Lol. Naisip ko lang din ba na dahil medyo di ako makapaniwalang my mind is THIS sound, na baka may chismis sa mga ginagawa ko so I booked a chart reading and I realized I could've spent that money on therapy. Hahahahhahaha. Oo na, I won't do it again unless I truly have cash to burn.

Natawa lang ako kasi I never thought this is how I appear to my friends lol na reserved na pala ako sa emotions ko kaya consider yourself lucky I give you access to this. 

My friend is telling me to confront you. I don't want to completely lose you just yet. I've learned being direct all the time doesn't work, that sometimes I have to be patient and go with the motions. Or maybe that's the right thing to do and I'm just being stubborn. I need to drill in my head that I'm being delusional all this time kasi you already said no once and even asked if there was anything you need to change with how you're dealing with me. 

Confronting you and laying it all out has a sense of finality to it. I'm not ready for that just yet. 

I want to give it time. I've only started to look at my life through a different lens; you're just getting started with aiming for your goal in life. I want to think it's too early to close this door. Maybe if I give it enough time, maybe if I'm patient enough, then maybe, things work out nicely.

So what do I want, right?

I guess what's been frustrating this whole time was that I was very much willing to set aside my affection for you if that means we get to stay friends, but I couldn't even have that. 

I've had friends whom I've stopped talking to for a while, but yours was different. My only access to you was through a single window pane, maybe the size of a mousehole. And sure, in comparison to the whole world that you've shut out, it counts a lot, but I don't know.

It just feels like you're never coming back.

If this one person reading all these turns out to be you, it'll be awkward if I just copy paste this when I do finally get the guts to confront you. Lol. But this is what I want to tell you anyway.

I know people will always need space, and that your need for personal space is highly different from the rest. But idk.

Don't get it wrong. I'm perfectly aware this is all on me. Anyway, umaga na ulit. Good as new.