Nakita ko lang convo namin ng ex ko. Normal lang naman mamiss siya di ba? Di naman ibig sabihin nun di pa ako nakaka-move on? Nakakamiss lang naman talaga magkaroon ng someone, nakakamiss yung good times di ba?

I realized my ex was right. While I don't feel any more confident than I did before, it's sad nga na ang baba ng tingin ko nga sa ibang tao because I don't trust their judgment when they say good things about me. I find it hard to believe. Nasanay akong palpak ako bilang tao. Sorry it took me this long to come around, but I get you now, Russel.

I hope I find a higher paying job. I love the people at work, really. I have high regards for them, pero it won't pay the bills. I hope I can resign soon. 

 Weird that the last blog entry had 4 views. Anyway, thanks for being there. It feels weird that I'm currently gushing over Irish creme breve (it tastes good!), but really, I feel like crap. It's not like I'm deliberately thinking I feel like crap because I'm scared of feeling nice. Or maybe I am. Joke, I'm not. I just want to curl up on the bed and sleep. And maybe cry. I cannot even have alcohol. I wish I got sick. I also received my second dose today! Yay. I felt productive. And still crappy. I feel so drowsy. I just want to sleep the rest of the year away. I feel sad. There's supposed to be a Christmas thing for work, and while I'd appreciate being part of the gift exchange, I really don't want to plan anything with my peers. Nothing against them, it's just me. I really feel like shit during the holidays. Idk why. It's always been difficult this time of year. I wish I didn't feel like crying right now. 

I feel like something's wrong with me. I rave about coffee but I also feel so low. It doesn't feel right. But it is what it is. I just wish to feel better soon. I mean, I don't go on AWOL now at least. Small wins, I guess. 

My boss said I need to reactivate my Messenger so we can plan for the party. I don't have the energy... I just want to be left alone and sulk in a corner. But at the same time it would feel nice to be included in something, be a part of something. Pero ewan. I'm just rambling. I should be working right now. I want to take a nap. I had 7 hrs of sleep. But I still want to take a nap. I put on lipstick today tp try to feel good about myself but I still don't. It's like opening all my office files instantly makes me want to go home and sleep. 

I hope I get hired at NICE. Please. :( I can now go to the cinemas. But should I. Mas makakatipid din naman ako magstream na lang online. Di ko naman ikamamatay. 

I'd like to wish for one sweet plot twist before the year ends, but I've known the cosmos enough to push the thought away. Because there are no plot twists that spring out of nowhere to nudge me to the good place. I live a life somewhere between lucky and unlucky. There isn't anything going on or anything good to look forward to. Umay. I wish I get hired sa NICE. While I really like what I'm doing right now, I need higher pay. I'll be good. 

Or at least I wish I was brave enough to end my life so I stop thinking. Lol. It would feel good to hurt myself i think . Alam mo iniimagine ko na lang na sinasaktan ko sarili ko kasi feeling ko yun yung deserve ko. I feel like utter crap. I dont even know why. Im not in such a bad place honestly so i dont understand why I'd feel like this but here we are. I dont want to talk about this anymore with other people kasi wala naman tayong magagawa ganito na lang to 

Man, everyone really leaves huh. 

Time to breakdown again hehe

Can I just add:

My workmates have sent me this before they left. I'll keep it here. Thanks for the kind words despite myself.

Scented candles make me feel so nice. I'm using one that's watermelon scented and another that's vanilla orange. You should try it too if you haven't yet 

I didn't get to buy a brush kasi I woke up at 2am. I've been talking (barely) to this guy from Tinder. He's pretty decent but I don't think this is it.

 Ever get the feeling where u wanna delete yourself? Yeah.

Some random pictures that won't see the light of the day:

Not gonna lie, the urge to overdose is a little too strong right now.

In other news, I couldn't get on my laptop for months because the number 1 on the keyboard wouldn't work and it's part of my password so I put off opening it despite having already bought a mechanical keyboard. I'm glad I took care of it now because lookie: 

Also, scented candles count as self-care don't they?

I still sleep on the floor. It was cloudy today so I didn't take out the beddings. I think I start to get more productive when I'm on my period or when I'm about to be on my period. Anyway. I'll take a nap and then buy a brush, try to resume painting the wall.

 Hey. Progress report. I mopped the floor and cleaned my fan. I didn't clean thoroughly but I plan to do that this weekend. I will have to buy new pillows tho and take out my bed para mabilad ko sa araw. Hmm.

I also am using my scented candles.

I still sleep on the floor.

Also: 

Told a friend that I don't really think I clicked with her friends whom I met one time. Maybe I really am weird. Hope this friend isn't mad. Hm. How are you? I have more stuff to say. 

 A friend shared the view from her room tapos puro puno, and it made me miss my supposed home. I miss the quietness in living among trees, where my walls are painted white and I could drown in white noise, shut myself out from the world

My 13th money pay just came in, but I still feel a little extra sad today, baby. Money is a necessity, but it isn't everything. 

I came across this old thing I sent for an assignment. There are a couple of disconnected thoughts I had to squeeze in because they were required lol sorry but I think this has its moments. I wish to write again. I miss my dog. My boobs looks nice today. My period is delayed.

I feel a little extra sad today, darling. My tears roll down over the news about EJ Obiena having to clear his name. I cry over an old man from Pampanga finally being able to build his dream house, despite housing being a necessity. The future only proves to be bleaker day by day. 

Normal lang naman maging crush si EJ Obiena, di ba hahaha.

Ryan is right. The longer I put off quitting, the harder it becomes. 

The short memory of when I was interviewed by our general manager crossed my mind. I was asked what I would do about road widening. I don't really remember what I exactly said, but I know I fumbled with my words because I don't think that calls for a single solution. It calls for a major overhaul of our current policy. It's going to call for a string of solutions until it is ensured that everyone is happy or in a better place, at least. We can manage the number of cars to help lessen traffic since that is the main issue, after all. Improve our public transportation system to encourage people to use it more often (this I didn't mention back then), look for possible relocation areas if the situation really warrants for a road widening.

It's not an instant solution. Idk where I'm going with this. The world just has so many problems that I'm trying to solve one in my mind hoping it makes me feel better. I'm tired of thinking about mine. 

I always don't wear pants when I'm home that when I do leave my room to buy stuff I check sometimes if I didn't forget to wear shorts

Good morning or good evening wherever you are.

I went through the list of active people on Facebook and there really is no one else I'd want to share this but you and Tin. And Ryan. But you're my best bet.

Anyway, this is different from what I mentioned last time. I don't think I'll ever be ready to share that, and do you know what I like about you? You won't talk back or push me to spill the beans. 

Here's what I really want to share: I just interviewed for a content writing post! The pay isn't significantly higher than my current salary, but this could be my first step to branching out, right? The only catch is this isn't a WFH set-up and their office is based in Ortigas. 

The amusing part is that I applied for a sales rep job, but it was the interviewer who offered and asked if I want to give the writing post a shot.

I know my skills are pretty rusty. This online diary is the closest I have to writing, but you've known me long enough to know this is something. It's the trying that counts, right? Anyway, I'm just going to try the essay thingy and turn in something later tonight. If I qualify, then I might look for other content writing posts. Who knows. I don't know. 

So nasira yung Canon ko na camera pero bumili ako ng Minolta hehe maganda rin naman yung binili ko. Hehe. Ang saya sana kaso wala naman akong makabuluhang ma-picture-an kasi di naman ako lumalabas except pag magtatrabaho so ayun. Anyway. Bumili na rin ako bago film rolls para sa 110ed ko hehe at bumili din ako ng reusable na camera na parang toy camera lang ahhaha dami kong pinamili kala mo naman ang yaman ko hahaha 

sana mayaman ako o may kaya man lang para mapaprint ko na rolls ko

 I've been thinking of you actually. Crazy things have happened over the last few days, but I wasn't sure if I should say. Hahaha. I don't think I'm ready yet. Anyway, I got tipsy and lost my wallet and all my IDs hehe and my vaccination card too

I still sleep on the floor

 I've done nothing but sleep on my birthday, if you're wondering. Good morning, by the way.

I'm still a mess. I thought I could make use of my 4-day rest to clean up and organize my room but no. I don't feel like doing anything. I still sleep on the floor. I'm still in this rut. Lol.

 I still get no more than 5 hours of sleep in a day and set my alarm two hours before I clock in, but get up an hour before work starts. I still waste my first hour in the office. I still drink too much coffee. I still eat a lot. I still don't exercise. I still feel like crap.

I hope you're in better shape. Make me your cautionary tale.

Oh, I went out on my birthday with a random stranger from Tinder. I never got intimate with him though. I couldn't. Tried looking for a hookup on Reddit; couldn't push through with it. I chickened out. 

At least, I know that I won't. I think I'll be this way for a long time.

Here's the sunset from MOA last Saturday

I've been putting away my clothes one small pile at a time. I hope I finish everything soon. 

 What do you do when you actually dream of a song and you thought it existed but it doesn't and you think the song is good (I personally would have it on my playlist lol) but you can't play any fucking instrument so you can't create it lol

 kanina masa-sad na sana ako kasi wala ako mama pero nung magpapabarya ako dun sa kabilang tindahan pampamasahe (hindi yung may nagrereto sa akin), pinahiram niya ako matic ng 100 para may pang angkas ako tas bayaran ko na lang daw bukas luh di pala ako ganon kasawi sa buhai

Kung may alam lang akong trabaho na non BPO, umalis na talaga ako dito. Kailangan ko na talagang makapag resign next year. Naiinggit ako kina Ryan at Jea. Sana all happy at nakaalis na. 

I saw the people on my blocked list and thought of checking how they are now through another account when I came across my mom's and aunt's Facebook profiles. Ang laki na nung pinsan ko, yung dating tinu-tutor ko. Tapos yung tita ko, going strong naman sila ng asawa niya. Nakita ko profile ng mama ko tapos nakita ko yung isang public album niya nung nasa Imus siya, tapos ako nasa Batangas, mga bandang high school 'to. Nagte-Tesda siya nun.

Tapos alam mo, ang saya sigurong magka-mama. No amount of dicks from Tinder can compare, I guess. Kahit simpleng paggupit ng buhok ko, na-a-associate ko sa kanya kasi she was–most of the time–against me growing my hair long, and yeah, she's right. I look better with my hair short, plus it's easier to maintain. Kahit sa simpleng haircut, tama pa rin siya. Siguro, sorry kasi dahil sa akin, hindi niya mapunan yung mga bagay na kulang sa kanya kasi may obligasyon siya sa akin. Salamat na lang din kasi ngayon, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon hanapin yung sarili ko nang mas maaga kesa sa kanya. 

Gusto kong isiping baka mas may pag-asa akong maayos yung buhay ko, become someone who's lived to her potential, pero it doesn't feel like it's going to happen. Malapit na birthday ko. Naiisip niya pa ba ako? Iniisip ko pa rin siya. Nakatago pa rin yung birthday card na bigay niya sa akin. Siguro ang laking disappointment ng nararamdaman niya sa akin. Ako rin naman sa sarili ko. Pero alam mo yun, sana kahit katiting lang sa sarili ko, may makita siyang okay. Kasi ako wala akong makitang okay sa sarili ko. Oo, kailangan ko ng validation pero siguro the best kung sa kanya galing. Tangina ang weird. Bakit ang lala ng mommy issue ko no. Magbe-bente-kwatro na ako sa Sabado? Sa Biyernes? Pero ganito pa rin pala nararamdaman ko tungkol dun. Ganito na ba yun hanggang kamatayan? 

I feel a certain warmth when someone calls me Mica. It brings me back to a time when I didn't think this low of myself and when I still had a family, I guess. I don't even know why I'm saying right now that I miss them, when I ran away from home. It's just that I feel so alone. 

Here I am, 6 years from when I first left, doing nothing but dyeing my hair and cutting my bangs. Is this the most I can do?

I always wish I could skip the the last three months of the year. October is for my mother, November is for myself, and December is for the holiday. A birthday is really nothing but a reminder of what I'm still not and where I've fallen short, of everything and everyone that I've lost over the years. 

You know how having a job now just covers up the fact that I can function well really. For a time, I've only been using disposable underwear because I couldn't wash my underwear. I can't wash anything. I skipped dropping my clothes off to the laundry shop. I haven't cleaned my restroom for months. I did just today. I washed my underwear today. I will resume cleaning up tomorrow. Right now, I'll go to sleep.

I haven't slept on my bed for months. 

 I ended up forgetting to resume what I was going to say. Anyway, I had a few bottles of beer outside the office earlier after my rest day OT and impulsively cut my hair and now I look like this

hehe dont i look cute i know i do hehe 

************

me: bakit offline pa si *workmate*?

workmate 2: di ba intermittent yung internet nun? naka-work from home yun eh

me: so anong balak ni *workmate*?

at dito ko napagtantong may attitude pala talaga ako kahit ako nabigla sa bunganga ko sorry sa lahat

************

alam mo ba nahilo ako nung nagsearch ako saglit ng prod asst na jobs? hahaha im so scared ganun ako ka-scared it's manifesting physically ahahhaa

****

Actually I look cute

Alam mo ba, binabasa ko pa lang yung sinasabi ni Ryan about line producing, parang matatae ako nang paulit-ulit? Lol. I recently had someone do a tarot reading for me and here's what they said,

May gusto pa akong sabihin pero tinatamad ako magtype sa cp Maya na

I know I've already said it before, but honestly, I think I'm pretty pragmatic, pero I couldn't help but think that if soulmates were true, it felt like he was mine.

I remember him telling me to avoid listening through my earphones while my phone is charging. Lol. Maybe I could have him remind me again, even though I never really forgot. Pero joke. Like I said, I'm pretty sensible naman. Di ako kumakapit sa wishful thinking.

I didn't even ask for much. But maybe my normal was too much for the world. I'm sorry. 

Also, dark joke I guess and totally unrelated to the text above but I can't even kill myself because my room is a mess haha things need to be a little neat when I do that but I don't have the energy to clean up yet lol

I feel like a hollow shell right now.

I've been telling my peers to not be too hard on themselves, to take it easy because the pandemic has caused a huge pause in our lives. But my life has been on hold for so long already. I don't know what to make of myself anymore.

I still don't think I'm headed anywhere. I don't want to see that happen. And I'm tired of making sure it doesn't. Have I taken the steps to do just that? No. Can I even carry the emotional weight of getting through the year? I'm not sure. The most I can bear is one day at a time. 

I hate being told there isn't anything to talk about with me. I hate that I've turned out this way. I hate how I can only react. Lol. Tired of typing good night see u sorry for dumping God bless if you believe in one

Edit: hi I feel better now. Tomorrow ulit yes? Lol

 Earlier in the jeepney, while I was on my home, I thought of just giving in to singlehood. Like, okay, I'll take one for the team. That's where it seems I'm being pushed to anyway. In all aspects, I don't really have go-to people--be it with mere friendships. I only have shallow relationships. I can live alone. That's what I've been doing, isn't it. But it seems like circumstances are pushing me to living in isolation. Lol. Well, so be it. I'm tired. I've been thinking that it seems I'm nothing but just another hole to shove some guy's meat in and that I'm really not good for anything but shallow things and that I'm nothing worth more than a stopover before the actual good thing. 

Alright then. You win. I hope you're happy. You better be. 

I no longer see whatever silver lining I thought there was in my current job, and the only thing keeping me from leaving is that I don't want to go to yet another call center once after this. I've been wanting to look up the job that Ryan suggested, but I don't even remember what it's called exactly, and I don't think I can open our chatbox and scroll through our messages. I can't. How I feel about our chatbox is the same as how I feel about Tinder. Or birthdays and holidays. It gives me nothing but dread. I can't afford to backtrack on it. Not yet, at least. The mere thought of it hurts, okay? Lol. 

But right now, I feel numb. And tired. Mostly, numb. 

I'm in the office right now, and this new trainee is doing a rollcall of everyone's order for Jollibee. I don't even feel like eating. 

I don't feel like working, but I'm not even sleepy. Tonight feels like a fever dream. All my years don't seem real. 

I hope I hear from you, but I'm sure I won't. How are you anyway? What are your thoughts on Care Bears and chicken wings? I love chicken wings. Do you?

The moon looks bigger without my glasses.

 I think I need a clear visual or an infographic, if you will, about Ingmar Bergman's lovelife. Like nakakalito. Hahaha 

 Someone from the office asked me to hang out with them but I refused them. This other friend kept asking me about Ryan because she had nothing else to talk to me about. I don't blame her. Ganun na nga ata ako kawalang personality. I bailed on them and changed my mind at the last minute. She said it herself—there isn't anything we can talk about. Why would I make myself go through such an ordeal lol. It'll be cool to get free eyelash extensions haha (they said they're paying for me) but free stuff like that makes me feel like a charity case, and that there'll be a catch somewhere. It's so random it feels uncomfortable lol. Plus it wasn't really intended for me to begin with. I was just like a second choice lol I don't like that

I feel like refusing everyone and avoid everyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want them to leave me alone tbh. Or more like I wish I could be alone.