Kaya ako single. Kasi ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko.

Naisip ko, "weh, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better" pero na-realize kong hindi ganyan at totoo talaga yung una kong sinabi. Pag marami kasing tao sa buhay ko, nare-redirect yung energy ko na para sa sarili ko sana.

Gusto ko lang naman ng constant karat and cuddle shuta. Kaya pala uso ang fuck buddy. Hahahaha. 

Pero sige. I'm out of the rut I was in the past few days. I'll just play it by ear.

I have a plan. Should I set a timetable for my daily routine?

I'm just 23.

I'm just 23.

Gusto ko nang grumaduate para matapos na 'tong hassle na ito sa buhay ko. 

 I realize that the reason why I can't write is because I'm so insecure kasi yung mga kasabayan ko ang successful. Ang failure ko.

God i feel like shit

I wish I could be good. And that I could write. But I'm so scared of trying again. I haven't written in years. This blog shit is the most I've done. I wish I were naturally thin like these people in this movie I'm watching. 

 I'm never chasing a guy again. If they liked me, I would've known and I shouldn't have to feel confused. And they'd make sure I know they do. Yes.

And meatloaf is gross. 

 Why can't I have a love like in Us and Them huh???? Goddammit.

I'm scared that the big sad is starting to rear its ugly head.

They say I just have to be content with moments, because they're the most I'll ever get in life, because that's what life is made up of anyway, but I don't want moments. I want to die with someone. Man ang lala ng yearning ko right now. God i hate being alone. But I sort of regret asking my friend out if I could come over again. Might come off as clingy.

Sigh. 

I've beem watching stupid movies since 3AM. Gusto kong magkaraoke. I need a life.

Maybe it's time for me to alone. Lol. I just dont have another choice. Like, sure, babe. If that's what makes you sleep at night. God.

I feel so fucking sad. And ugly. I just want to be tucked in bed. And cuddle. Cuddle.

I reinstalled Tinder and uninstalled it again in less than an hour. It doesn't do me good anyway. I just want company. Hirap naman nitong quality time ang primary love language. Hays.

I want to literally just sleep with someone. Have a drink, maybe. Idk. I really haven't been in thr mood to drink tbh. I just want the company.

So I read something about transference a while back and it got me thinking about my feelings for people before. Anyway.

I'm not in love with my therapist tho ok? Hahaha. I'm not in love with anybody. And that's okay but I'm fucking bored.

I hope this therapy thing works out.

Man it would be nice if I could be loved and desired despite myself. 

 So hi, and TMI: I did a very human thing to do—I watched porn and did all that shit. Anyway, I'm a little envious of those women because they can just let loose and orgasm like that. I find it very difficult to let go. It's hard to have someone see me like that, seems like I'd be very exposed. Eh. I wish I were a guy. It's so easy for guys to orgasm. Also, I think I'll stop hooking up with guys now. 

I also need to lose weight. 

Anyway, idk what movie to watch. 

 Gusto kong maging anak si Alan Kim hello

 I know I want to cry, but I can't bring myself to do so. Is this emotional constipation.

It's so weird, reading this message, because I don't feel like I care for people enough. I don't think I know how to take care of people. I think I'm a selfish person. They've known me for a long time, but this person they speak of doesn't sound like me anymore.

My therapist yesterday said I should stop blaming myself for everything that's happened, that it isn't all on me. And I think that's when I started feeling off. It's difficult to unlearn and just shake off something that I thought was the truth my entire life.

It feels weird that he seems to be rooting for me, kasi parang nasanay akong ako lagi yung mali. That I always make the wrong choices. Na patapon ako kasi naglayas ako and shit, but did I really do the right thing for myself? It's so weird to have him rooting for me kasi, parang ano ibig sabihin nun, shitty talaga family ko? Man, at thr end of it all, no matter how it's obvious life was fucked up, I still defend my family in my head. Idk why. My worst enemy truly is myself. 

He also talked about neuroplasticity. 

I want to be good. I want to be good enough and to amount to something. I can't release this sadness I'm feeling, but I know it's there.

I have a friend who's getting married. I'm happy for her. Sana ako rin. Man, I just want to be loved.

Someone from work said indirectly said mukhang pambahay suot ko. I personally like my long and flowy skirt. I kind of want to put a bit of effort in my attire later, but I'm also too lazy. Why do I have to prove myself. I also don't think I can still look good. Sigh. 

I'm tired. And sad. 

PS. I look fucking hot here. Happy International Women's Day or belated? Whatever. 

hello dear audience,,

so after some yrs of friendship, naipakilala na ako ng isang private friend sa kanyang familé!!! buti ang chill nila and ang cute ng mga bata ahaha di ako naiirita sa bata (surprise, surprise) natuwa lang ako kasi ang hilig palang magmura ng ating kaibigan. it's nice seeing them look more human kasi alam ko namang ang private niya talaga as a person pero ayon i guess he trusts me more (plus makulit ako) to let me see that side of him. also, sinabihan niya ako na kung naging kami daw, nakikita niyang hindi magwowork. siguro nga ok na rin yun. sayang friendship eh in case hindi magwork. di ko naman sinasabing hindi siya magwowork kasi u know me (charot, u dont. sino ka ba? also dont answer), risk-taker-ish naman ako dun, pero i dont want to cross that bridge anymore if it means losing a very, very good friend. or siguro im not dat confident pa about myself din, bakit ko io-offer yung sarili ko nang ganito. i think said friend deserves better. malaki yung mundo, we're just starting to branch out. it is nice to have a friend. man i love my friends. also naging cheese siya nung nakaraan pero di ko na share screencap ng sinabi niya ahaha awit kilig naman aq platonically ahaha 

anyway,, i heard na yung isang naka-hookup ko last yr ay may possibility na naka-contract ng COVID yikes,, hope he's ok,, i heard pa namang he lost a relative who was a frontliner to covid din last year

in other news, ang saya kasi nag-tasting kami ng kape ng ate ni aforementioned private friend pero bilib din ako sa tolerance ko sa kape kasi inantok pa rin ako after nun at ngayon inaantok na rin ako kahit na nagkape na ako hindi kaya wala na epekto kape sa akin?? good lord,,, 

first time ata na natulog ako sa bahay ng lalaki na wala nangyari AHAHAHAHAHA narealize ko lang. the power of friendship (sparkles emoji)

time check 11:44 PM na po ng linggo today at nag uululan na naman kami dito sa office ng boss ko also late ako 6 minutes ahaha ayoko na layo ko pa sa goal

feel ko wala nang epekto sa akin ang kape,,, huhu partida kapeng barako na yon bakit ganooooooooooooooooooooon huhu ayoko na mag red bull stoko pa mabuhay charot

may apponitment ako with therapist later babay one kya <3 ok back to work folks! stoko malasing i think idk im ok, and im surprised that i am. 

bili na ba ako bahay ahaha

hi time check 2:03 AM may victim mentality ako yucks

 I'm feeling a little sad but I'll forget about it. I took what bike guy said as rejection and it stung a lot. Felt like I wasn't womanly enough. What will happen to me. I just want to be loved. Why can't I have that cute story where I grow up with a guy and we just fall in love but we keep it from each other until we're like 25 or something hayst

I love walking at nights like this, where I could stare at the moon and not be deemed as weird, where I could sing in the middle of the street right by my workplace and then the wind blows with just the right force, a little bit strongly but just as if greeting a friend and hugging them fiercely. The moon looks on, and I'm privileged to have her share this secret with me. 

 

If i didnt know my ex, I'd think this was from him. I might send an update about how my session with the therapist goes. Hope it turns out okay.

I'm honestly a little nervous and I wish I requested for someone female. 

 Y'all relentlessly teased me about my middle name way back ang galing naman how u just casually drop it on a Facebook post as if it was just nothing and now u cant take a hint.

I'm going even more broke this month ugh

Since I can't live for myself, maybe I can try being better for the people and friends who still believe in me despite everything. 

Pero stoko lang naman talaga ng kakantutan tapos tatanungin ko kung Rebisco ba siya kasi ang sarap ng filling niya 😩😩

 I could use a friend right now, but I'm trying to keep this shit to myself. Friends aren't therapists. Of course, they'll say they'll always be there and of course, they'll try, but they have their own lives. I have to learn to stop sharing things. I need to learn to be private. Stop oversharing. No one gives a fuck. Besides, this is just very petty, just a blow to my ego. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone and that it's so hard for people to love me, or even like me, because I'm a fucking shitty person. I don't have anything going for me, I'm bland. I'm shallow. I want to die, honestly. I really don't see any point in still existing.

I was doing better, but god.

Why am I not pretty, for fuck's sake. Or just something about me that's likeable and not annoying. I feel like shit and I'm not even drunk. I'm not even the mood to drink. The internet connection is shitty, too.

I don't feel like crying, and even if I do, I'll try my best not to.

I feel like deleting myself from the world right now even kahit digital lang. Twitter doesn't feel like a safe space anymore. Parang itong blog eme na lang.

I mean sure, do I actually have the energy for a romantic entanglement right now? Not really, but I'm willing if I like the person enough, but that's not guaranteed. Pero ang sakit ma-reject ha. Grabe. I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW I'M N PRETTY BUT AM I THAT Appalling? Repulsive???? I USE LOTION AND BATH SALT NAMAN, NAGSISIPILYO AKO, GRABE NAMAN??

Bakit ba laging resort ang dying when shit doesn't work out. Where do I go. How do I come a better person.

Am I not womanly enough? I really just want to be good enough. I'm trying. 

 man i feel like shit i wanna close myself off from the world

 hi

so for the nth time, ive been friendzoned which wouldve been fine by me if only it wasnt for more than the 5th time and i know the friendzone is something that is 80% non-existent pero good lord, bakit ako bestfriend ng bayan? lmao eto na nga yung sinasabi kong hindi talaga ako tao eh pero god i just hate that it appeared i was starting to open up only to be crushed like that, natapakan lang pride ko ng very light nakakainis. okay fine. i did think there was a bit of potential in this one, all it needed was patience. 

anyway im at work right now (obvi) and i can't breathe well i dont think my dress or bra is too tight. it could be caffeine kasi i had coffee before leaving the house for work and i also downed another mug when i arrived at work but idk this isnt how it usually goes and hays

u lose some people talaga eh ano hays

more time for myself i guess and besides i have my good friends i know i do

wala lang

idk i just wanna be good

also i have a plant na (yay) mukha silang matamlay ahahaha pero i hope mabuhay sila and magmukhang malusog in a few days

 Hi pls make shit work 

 Ok I'm really sad

While I'm perfectly aware that my self worth is based on me, times like these make me feel like I'm worth nothing but a hookup. I just wanna be loved haha fuck Ill be better I'm tired. I still wouldn't mind getting run over by a ten wheeler I'm too lazy to cook I feel like shit. Is it the alcohol? Probably

I have my friends my friends are awesome but I'm still so sad I wanna be gone I can't do anything. I'm dumb and stupid and not good enough for anything so fucking sad and while I'm aware whatever mistakes I've made are in the past and that I should forgive myself it's so hard I hate hate hate hate

It's so weird why I feel like this. I called out my ex bc he can't be alone, and now I'm feeling like this I hate it,, come be with me,,

I wish I could hurt or kill myself 

:))) hehe hays I wanna be good :)) 

 

Naninibago ako kasi I'm trying to talk to bike guy daily kaso wala naman akong masabi kundi the most mundane things like how my day is. I don't know how to flirt for shit. I don't know if I'm doing things right. 

Naalala ko lang din yung ginawa ko last December and I know I'm the one in the wrong so I shouldn't be feeling like I'm the one victimized because I clearly wasn't. I feel like I was such a slut. They've both blocked me, and that's sad, because we're supposed to be good friends. I had the choice to avoid it from happening, but I willingly put myself in that situation. 

I think if in case this shit with bike guy progresses into something good, I might fuck it up lang. I'm scared din na he'll look down on me when he finds out about the shitty things I've done. Sabi ng iba kong friends, yung mej ka close ko sa work, I don't need to tell guys everything. I don't want to open up sa kanya about the shit I've done before kasi we're taking it slow, and sure, I'd like to give that a try since showing everything abt me has never worked, based on my dating history.

Man I'm scared. While I hope this shit works out, I'm scared of it at the same time.

And I'm aware ang advance kong mag-isip, but idk. It's so scary. I keep wondering why the guy is still around. Yeah.

I want shit to work. I should stop the self-sabotage, ano?

I want to be good, too, you know? I want to stop thinking I'm a shitty person and start accepting instead that shitty things happen. And that when I do shitty stuff, I have the choice to let go of what's happened and just learn from it.

I want that. 

I want to know what I want to do and what career I want to have, and where I want to retire, and what my dream house would look like, and be good and stable enough to have kids, and give enough love.

I just want to amount to something and be good enough for something, be good. Find my place in this world. YUCKS.

Hi

Lord tabang I'm scared I'm scared I hope shit works for me