diary entry - 08/05

the high from yesterday...

 ...was short-lived 

Why doesn't this feeling ever go away? i have always wanted to reach out but i feel like ive reached out too many times, more times than i should have. i dont want to bother anyone anymore. even im tired of myself, what more of them? talking or venting out does not do the trick anymore. ive been getting that numb feeling, for days now. i've just pushed it back some days. but lately, i dont know anymore. 

i downed a glass of coffee to maybe give me that push to be a functioning human being, but i still feel like complete shit. 

like. utter. shit. 

good fucking lord.

come to think of it, that jolt of happiness from yesterday came from what seeing my past self.

why do i never like what i see in the mirror everytime but look fondly over photos of what was of me?

hmm.

i need to down another cup of coffee, or else im gonna cry at work. idk idk idk.

notes

august one

The weather has been making feel lately. 

I don't want to play anymore. I wanna give the world a big fuck you. I wish I could kill myself already. There's no one to count on, not even people you pay services for. One day I'll get the guts to kill myself. Till then.

I don't see my life ending any other way. I die of misery or I kill myself. That's pretty much it.

On the Heavier Side of Things...

Is saving up on 6 months' worth of rent worth reliving your trauma?

My boss recently messaged me, saying I'll need to look for a place to move to because it does not look like we're going back to the office till next year. When I moved to her place last March, no one ever thought that I'd stay till July. It's very difficult to look for places to move to in such short notice. On top of that, I'll also need to set up an internet service provider. It's so stressful. 

I thought of going back to my father's place because it will help me save up, as I wouldn't have to pay for rent. Electricity and water won't cost that much, I'm sure. But I'm highly doubtful if that house is okay to live in because last time I was there, it wasn't. And my dad is too adamant against throwing all the useless things he has hoarded throughout the years. 

Last time I stayed there, it was so draining to fight him that I feel like I'd rather slit my wrists than scream my lungs out again. Did you know that when I went there last year, my dad kept forcing me to come with him to meet his friends? Of course, I don't want that shit because it's a waste of energy. Know what I did? I walked to a corner of the house, pulled out my sanitary napkin, and shoved it to his face, blood and all. 

That certainly shut him up. It's also a funny story to retell every once in a while. 

You know, before my first therapy session, I asked him if he remembers that time when he'd burn the back of my hand with his cigarettes and he said he never did it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because the memory is fuzzy to me, but when I asked him if he remembers that time he hung me upside down? He vehemently denied doing it, saying he just scared me. Too bad for him, that was something I remember clearly. 

Eh. 

Anyway. 

Maybe this is what I need to settle once and for all. I'm full of resentment. How do I forgive my father? 

How do you go about mourning someone still alive, I ask, hoping that if I mourn enough or that if I mourn just right, maybe he would be as good as dead. Or maybe things would fall back to its rightful place.

Would it count, this weight in my chest that I have to carry throughout the day? Or these tears that just never seem to fall from my eyes? Should I instead spend hours curled up on my bed and crying to mourn for someone still living? Or is mourning also remembering and asking these questions when I go to shower at nights?

There's a silent wish that maybe if I cried louder or softer or maybe even longer than I did, maybe he'll come back, because even though he's alive and well right now, my heart knows that the man I once knew just might as well be dead. Or maybe it's me I mourn for because to him I just might as well be dead, and I mourn because this one heart I have, this one that I struggled to wear on my chest, still belongs to him.

Should I have knelt and begged longer till my skin bled? Should I have gripped his hand tighter? Should I have pounded my chest stronger to get the pain across? Should I have stayed and waited all night till he believes that we should still be together?

How do you go about mourning someone still alive and well out there? Someone might say that it's done when I move on and go forward? But the heaviness pulls me back. 

I don't know how to process death

Dilemmas are only resolved by even bigger dilemmas. You drunk chat your boss and ask her the most personal questions, you realize it isn't cute, and then you get that dilemma shrugged off from your worries through a pop-up Messenger notification saying your aunt has already passed... That you can't quite respond to yet...

Good morning.

Only the sound of running water filling up the pail kept me grounded in reality, and for a few, calm minutes, I opted to ignore my phone. Last night was a mess, I had a drink with my boss whom I've been living with for running three months now. I woke up to a small puddle of vomit on the floor and even more vomit in the toilet, unflushed till this morning.

My boss and I were just discussing how family issues never go away.

Now, this. Death and life have a twisted sense of humor.

How do you mourn the people you grew up with? Are they my 'loved ones'?

First was my grandfather.

I know I spent a night or two poring my thoughts over his demise, and I did lie down on the floor and had my toes curled up as I cried. For sure, my heart holds a spot somewhere for him. My grandfather has visited my dreams and hounded me in my thoughts even at the most intimate of moments--and yes, I am referring to sex. I mourned for my grandfather, and even if it wasn't the best of mourning, I mourned the best way I can. His ghost comes back to visit occasionally, and I welcome him every time.

The short minute quietly turned into two. Then, three. Then, thirty. I still couldn't close the notification.

I remember that Niquee, older than me by five months, the eldest among our bunch, has blocked me on Facebook. Just when I thought things were turning out for the better. Just when I started hoping I could find my way back there. Maybe I could with Trixie, but what can she do?

What can I do? If I send money, I'll be deemed that bitch who thinks money solves everything. Besides, I'm barely scraping by.

I'll also be an unwelcome guest. I ran away from everyone, but why does this family keep haunting me and try to bring me back?

I don't harbor any grudge against my aunt, no. But I realize now that maybe I don't because she's now dead, that even if I stand by her grave, corpses can't talk back. I'm the victor, and there'll be no one to correct my false recollections of my childhood. But that isn't what I want. I need to be kept in check whenever I retrieve my lost memories. I need to be told when I'm telling the stories wrong. But I ran away because I can only let people in to a certain extent.

Fuck, I'm messed up.

The way running away fixes problems, I realize, is this. The elders die one by one, and only then will I be free enough to go back and visit, because dead people don't talk back.

I just want to bow my head, kneel down, and apologize.

I don't want to be told any condolences when I'm hanging on by a thread at the coattails of this family; I don't deserve it.

I don't want to ever swipe that notification away, because swiping it to the left will mean forgetting. And I want to remember.

But remembering also hurts. God, we were all just in a cycle of hurting each other, our entire family.

Wow, it's just now that the tears rush in.

But these are selfish tears. It's for my pain, not for my aunt's death. I still can't cry for her.

I can't talk to Trixie. I know I should ask how she is, because this is about her. She goddamned lost her mother. But I can't talk to her. I can't. She's my only link to get back with this family and I should try to be some sort of reprieve for her, but I can't fucking talk to her.

I don't know what to do. I need a therapist, I suppose. 

Before Sunrise Kalat

Good news!!!! I FINALLY WATCHED BEFORE SUNRISE. I remember this being recommended to me when I was in high school.

Here is a compilation of my thoughts AKA tweets:

• Kalat + stupid tweet, but naisip ko lang how dating is a hassle. If you act like your true self without reservations, it would sting a bit if you can’t be liked for that (at least, in my case) but if u don’t show your true self, then you’re potentially letting someone fall in love with a lie and you'll have to fake it for God knows how long.
• Why am I not a gorgeous French woman who meets a guy on a train who then strikes up a convo with me and asks me to get off at Vienna, just why
• Sometimes your true self also doesn't really want do anything like, "Man I just wanna lie down and browse Twitter, sorry"
• Naisip ko lang din yung sinabi ni Celine na the things we do are only for us to be loved even more... so we're still not being true, but I understand that humans are walking contradictions. So there’s that.
• Buti na lang self-aware naman pala si Jesse about spouting too much pretentious BS for the sake of ~socializing~ or whatever, pero ha! gusto ko kay sa kanya is that just when he makes me think he's a prick, he says/shows something that gets me to think otherwise. It's like being at the edge of a cliff and I’m somewhere in between falling and staying still haha idk
• Ang swabe ng script IMO. Gusto ko ngang basahin yung buong script mismo hahaha. Ang ganda nung sinabi din ni Jesse:

Jesse : I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves.

Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. Y'see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it's made me feel like I'm somebody else.

Some background story:

Iniiwasan ko talaga itong Before Trilogy kasi I initially thought it would be boring, kasi centered nga sa conversations yung movie. Then, for a time, nung sumali ako sa art-oriented na Facebook group some years back, I’d see this on my feed every week and I had that “I’m not like other girls” mentality and all that bullshit. (I’m no longer this person, please forgive me)

More thoughts:

• Eventually, I thought it might be overrated lang, but as it turns out, the movie deserves the hype it gets. I particularly liked that bit in the end where they show the spots where Jesse & Celine hung out but without them, like some montage. It made me think that Europe MAY be overrated but not with the right company. Like, with them, may pull, may magic, kumbaga. Pero sa part na yun—after the sunrise, if you will—nawala yung magic, ang bland na ng bawat place tignan kung tutuusin. It's just another fountain, just another patch of grass, but the movie made it ~A Moment™~ because of Celine and Jesse.

• Additionally, it was an “awwie” moment that Jessie was the one who first mentioned about meeting up again when Celine was about to board the train kaya I cannot conclude totally na he's an asshole. I guess it's the movie's way of showing that assholes deserve to be loved, thus endangering my lovelife again and painting dickheads in another light hahaha (but that’s another story but nothing to be worried about as I am currently manhid) 

• I initially expected Celine to be the sentimental, romantic one but she turned out to be the rational one, which was nice. Bottomline, ganda ng characterization. Layered. A woman can be in search of the true essence of divine femininity  (and in search of it within her) and buy into the whole astrology thing but she does not necessarily fall in love with the next guy who shows intent... On the other side of the fence, a guy being a dick does not automatically translate to heartlessness. I like how this was better portrayed here. Siguro, it was nice to have seen this kasi now it shows me how heavy-handed yung portrayal ng ganitong stereotype sa ibang films/shows. Jesse was basically a lovable asshole whereas Celine was the careful romantic. Ang nice na it wasn’t "Jesse is blue and Celine is red" because in truth, Jesse had many specks of color in him as did Celine. 

CONCLUSION:

ok so dami kong nasabi di ba haha movie was that good.

Tonight, I hate the rain. It reminds me of how blue the sky was where I lived and how everyone's skin seemed to glow under a blue light at 5AM and how I had to wake up before sunrise and be on my way to school between 5-6AM. I remember my classmates and their cute faces and cute jackets and just how it was freezing cold during our early flag ceremonies in Tugbok. I remember the reminders my mom wrote for me on this huge, green Knorr calendar that hung by the window in our living room. It had everything--how many times I should brush my teeth, clean my room, take a bath, cut my nails, etc. I remember that crazy dude we call Loloy, who used to send us off to school. Sometimes, my cousins and I had to fetch him from his house because he drinks a lot then wakes up late.

I remember my classmates mouthing the lyrics to Stickwitu by Pussycat Dolls. I remember that distinct smell of Mahayahay and sometimes, I miss it. This is one of those nights. Nostalgia is a very dangerous thing. It makes you forget the very reason why you chose to forgot. My head hurts.

I'm not sure anymore where I'm going. I don't know if I'm on the right path. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm trying to do. I don't need to hear that it's the same for everyone. I'm sick of the word potential, because there's nothing special about that. As a kid, I was made to believe that I had something, that potential was like this beautiful spark I had in me, but now, I realize I am nothing but mediocrity. Looking back, I feel embarrassed for my stupid, younger self with limited vocabulary when I smiled at my favorite aunt for calling me an underachiever, because I only saw the word achiever and got too blinded by it.

I was, after all, revered when I was young. I was the only one who got enrolled in a fast learner class, I was often in singing competitions, I joined spelling bees and have gone to the city library to compete, I have advanced to the regional press conference at one point in my life. Everyone was frustrated at me whenever I made a mistake because I was said to be the favorite.

But you learn a lot as you grow, ano? You learn that people say things and lie as long as it's to their benefit.

Now, my college classmates are talking about school activities, whereas I'm having a hard time grasping the idea of classrooms and lessons and assignments.

There are so much more, but you don't deserve to be dumped on as much. You're just trying to live your life, as was I...

But I'm fucking tired.

The life I wanted to live was like this: I'd graduate from SPED, finish high school in Bangkal, then go to college in Manila. Then maybe I can be that daughter who shoulders the burden of the family's living expenses. I'd be a dutiful daughter and send money to my relatives.

But no, here's the life I live--a very useless one. There's no one to cook for or go home to, and it is very lonely. I'm used to it, I'm not crying right now, nor do I feel the urge to. Not even to drink. But it is lonely.

I think of my dad, and I do have a reason why I chose to disconnect. But even I'm unsure if that was the right thing to do.

I'll never have that kind of family who'll have my back no matter what. And so tonight, I lie down on the couch, with all the lights off, in my boss's house, and I am lonely and listening to the rain on my own

(Here’s me hoping someone's face will pop up on that door and accompany me tonight.) 

Storytime

Out of boredom and because I don’t think anyone cares to ask, I’ll go and play that game where people pick a number from a list and I answer the corresponding question.

1. Museum date or aquarium date? Why?

I think I’ll go pick an aquarium date instead for the colors. I guess the only time I’ll pick a museum date would be if it’s something interactive. That’ll be fun.

2. Describe your favorite type of weather.

I like the skies best at 5 o’clock in the afternoon, windy and cloudy, not too sunny. I enjoy the rain too.

3. Name a subject/topic you know a lot about.

English, I guess. Wala, in truth. Myself?

4. Do you have any friends or know anyone with the same name as you?

Same first and second given names? Nah.

5. What’s something most people love that you hate?
Matcha

6. Who knows the most about you personally?

Lots of people. Klaire, Tin, Airene, Gianna… etc.

7. If you could create ANY mix-up or mythical animal and have it be brought to life, what would it be?

dog + penguin = donguin?? I’ve recently been thinking about how cute penguins are.

8. Do you think everyone in our lives serves a purpose, or are some people just there?

You find your purpose, but some don’t, that’s why they’re just there.

9. How do you feel about getting your picture taken?

Awkward. I sometimes feel my lips tremble from smiling for the camera, and I’m too embarrassed about how fat I am, but I like those photos where I’m super happy. If anyone can manage to make me look good in a photo, then why the heck not.

10. Any guilty pleasure/s?

Old songs you hear from the radio on a Sunday.

11. What is your favorite Studio Ghibli film and why?

I’ve only seen two. Don’t make me choose between Spirited Away and Howl’s.

12. Do you always make eye contact with people when you’re speaking to them?

If it’s something that’s completely serious, I try to, but if it’s something about my thoughts, I mostly stare at something else, like my feet.

13. Have you ever self-harmed?

Yeah.

14. What’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?

There has been a lot, and I don’t know which one to call the nicest, but I can’t forget being called a ball of sunshine (this was, however, way back 2016). Recently, someone I always tease said she admires how I always stand up for what I believe in, even if it makes me come across to others as bitchy.

15. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach today?

No.

16. Did anyone/anything get on your nerves today?

No, I feel like a floating sandwich lost in space today. Too floaty to feel anything intense.

17. Is there something you currently want, that you can’t have?

An opportunity for a career shift.

18. Who was the last person to make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable?

Myself.

19. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favorite character in it?

I have not finished it yet. Currently viewing “Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay”

Yes, I’m committing a mortal sin for not being able to sit through a movie.

20. What are you known for?

I don’t know.

21. What is something you are skeptical about?

Lots of things.

22.If you have a job, do you prefer morning shifts or evening shifts?

Whatever works.

23. What is something you are most confident about?

Myself, because I know more about myself more than anything else.

How about something you're really insecure about?

Myself, because I know more about myself more than anything else.

24. What do you think in general of girls with short hair? How about guys with long hair?

They’re both cool with me.

25. With films in languages you do not speak, do you prefer a dub or a subtitle?

Subtitles.

26. If you wear makeup, what are your preferred brands?

I don’t use makeup that much, but I using this brown matte shade from Maybelline and then swipe this dark red liquid (matte ulit lol) lipstick (the latter is available in 7-Eleven stores, I forgot what it’s called) I also love that Maybelline ink crayon stuff.

27. What part of a person's body do you usually find the most attractive?

I don’t focus too much in how they look. If you look at all my exes and crushes and former flames, they all look different.

28. What/which music are you currently listening to?

For your perusal: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WZ4jRDL0GeWEEDylKw9he?si=bLauUmHQQ_-vtckPTK65nQ

Heh.

29. Do you find smoking unattractive?

Nah. I don’t care.

30. What was the last thing you looked up on Google?

“brown matte” because I was not sure about the order of the adjectives, lol.

31. What is the 10th picture in your phone gallery?

32. Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color?

I already have!

33. What job would you be terrible at and what job would you be good at?

I wish I knew.

34. Do you think forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something?

No? Idk. Probably. Baka kaya ako nagsu-struggle pa rin kasi hirap pa rin akong magpatawad.

35. What did you think was cool when you were younger?

I don’t remember. Siguro maging mayaman.

36. Is there a place that makes you sad to return to?

Batangas home.

37. What's the best advice anyone has ever given you?

I don’t remember.

38. Have you ever treated someone badly just because someone else treated you badly?

I think so.

39. What's your favorite lyric from your favorite song right now?

I act a damn fool/Baby when you crawl around on me/

40. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away?

Dean saying, “I’ll fuck you if you let me baby” five times.

41. Is it true that if you can't love yourself, you can't love another?

No?

42. What's the most positive thing you could say to yourself right now?

You don’t have to be the best or be amazing. Just do what you want and live on your own terms.

43. What time of the day feels the most magical to you?

It could be any time of the day.

44. Were you a cute baby?

For sure.

45. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for, but never did?

Yeah.

46. What is any creative talent you wish you had?

Arts, dancing, acting. Wish I can play instruments too.

47. Do you think you'd make a good teacher? Why or why not?

I can be.

48. Do you think it's possible to fix a "broken" relationship?

It’s only broken when both parties don’t want to work it out anymore.

49. If you chose to get a tattoo what would it be and where would you want it?

You’ll see.

50. When was the last time you stayed up past midnight and what were you up to?

LOL it’s past 1AM now.

But why do I forget?

Ang hilig kong takutin at sirain sarili kong ulo pag mga ganitong oras. Tuwing natutulala ako sa kisame, hinihintay ko na lang mapatakan ako ng dugo o makakita ng hibla ng buhok o kaya mamalikmatang may nakangiti sa tabi ko.

Natatakot din akong tumingin sa salamin sa gabi kasi baka hindi ako yung makita ko.

Tuwing binubuksan ko yung ilaw, nagmamadali ako kasi baka may kamay akong makapa sa pader. Minsan, gusto kong pumikit o kaya mag-iwas ng tingin pero madalas, mas gusto kong makasigurong wala nga. Wala nga naman talaga.

Nakakatakot makakita sa dilim, pero pipiliin ko bang maging bulag?

Hindi.

And this is the cause of my unease.

Minsan gusto kong magmakaawang mahalin na ako ng kahit sino na lang. Baka sa sobrang lungkot ko, kung multuhin man ako, baka yakapin ko na rin siya.

Nakakalasing ba ang kape? Parang hindi dapat.

I tell my stories because I know I'll forget, and what am I but all these everydays. I'm sorry I passed onto you the burden of remembering even when those memories are my liability.