How do you go about mourning someone still alive, I ask, hoping that if I mourn enough or that if I mourn just right, maybe he would be as good as dead. Or maybe things would fall back to its rightful place.

Would it count, this weight in my chest that I have to carry throughout the day? Or these tears that just never seem to fall from my eyes? Should I instead spend hours curled up on my bed and crying to mourn for someone still living? Or is mourning also remembering and asking these questions when I go to shower at nights?

There's a silent wish that maybe if I cried louder or softer or maybe even longer than I did, maybe he'll come back, because even though he's alive and well right now, my heart knows that the man I once knew just might as well be dead. Or maybe it's me I mourn for because to him I just might as well be dead, and I mourn because this one heart I have, this one that I struggled to wear on my chest, still belongs to him.

Should I have knelt and begged longer till my skin bled? Should I have gripped his hand tighter? Should I have pounded my chest stronger to get the pain across? Should I have stayed and waited all night till he believes that we should still be together?

How do you go about mourning someone still alive and well out there? Someone might say that it's done when I move on and go forward? But the heaviness pulls me back.