Is saving up on 6 months' worth of rent worth reliving your trauma?
My boss recently messaged me, saying I'll need to look for a place to move to because it does not look like we're going back to the office till next year. When I moved to her place last March, no one ever thought that I'd stay till July. It's very difficult to look for places to move to in such short notice. On top of that, I'll also need to set up an internet service provider. It's so stressful.
I thought of going back to my father's place because it will help me save up, as I wouldn't have to pay for rent. Electricity and water won't cost that much, I'm sure. But I'm highly doubtful if that house is okay to live in because last time I was there, it wasn't. And my dad is too adamant against throwing all the useless things he has hoarded throughout the years.
Last time I stayed there, it was so draining to fight him that I feel like I'd rather slit my wrists than scream my lungs out again. Did you know that when I went there last year, my dad kept forcing me to come with him to meet his friends? Of course, I don't want that shit because it's a waste of energy. Know what I did? I walked to a corner of the house, pulled out my sanitary napkin, and shoved it to his face, blood and all.
That certainly shut him up. It's also a funny story to retell every once in a while.
You know, before my first therapy session, I asked him if he remembers that time when he'd burn the back of my hand with his cigarettes and he said he never did it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because the memory is fuzzy to me, but when I asked him if he remembers that time he hung me upside down? He vehemently denied doing it, saying he just scared me. Too bad for him, that was something I remember clearly.
Eh.
Anyway.
Maybe this is what I need to settle once and for all. I'm full of resentment. How do I forgive my father?