Tonight, I hate the rain. It reminds me of how blue the sky was where I lived and how everyone's skin seemed to glow under a blue light at 5AM and how I had to wake up before sunrise and be on my way to school between 5-6AM. I remember my classmates and their cute faces and cute jackets and just how it was freezing cold during our early flag ceremonies in Tugbok. I remember the reminders my mom wrote for me on this huge, green Knorr calendar that hung by the window in our living room. It had everything--how many times I should brush my teeth, clean my room, take a bath, cut my nails, etc. I remember that crazy dude we call Loloy, who used to send us off to school. Sometimes, my cousins and I had to fetch him from his house because he drinks a lot then wakes up late.

I remember my classmates mouthing the lyrics to Stickwitu by Pussycat Dolls. I remember that distinct smell of Mahayahay and sometimes, I miss it. This is one of those nights. Nostalgia is a very dangerous thing. It makes you forget the very reason why you chose to forgot. My head hurts.

I'm not sure anymore where I'm going. I don't know if I'm on the right path. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm trying to do. I don't need to hear that it's the same for everyone. I'm sick of the word potential, because there's nothing special about that. As a kid, I was made to believe that I had something, that potential was like this beautiful spark I had in me, but now, I realize I am nothing but mediocrity. Looking back, I feel embarrassed for my stupid, younger self with limited vocabulary when I smiled at my favorite aunt for calling me an underachiever, because I only saw the word achiever and got too blinded by it.

I was, after all, revered when I was young. I was the only one who got enrolled in a fast learner class, I was often in singing competitions, I joined spelling bees and have gone to the city library to compete, I have advanced to the regional press conference at one point in my life. Everyone was frustrated at me whenever I made a mistake because I was said to be the favorite.

But you learn a lot as you grow, ano? You learn that people say things and lie as long as it's to their benefit.

Now, my college classmates are talking about school activities, whereas I'm having a hard time grasping the idea of classrooms and lessons and assignments.

There are so much more, but you don't deserve to be dumped on as much. You're just trying to live your life, as was I...

But I'm fucking tired.

The life I wanted to live was like this: I'd graduate from SPED, finish high school in Bangkal, then go to college in Manila. Then maybe I can be that daughter who shoulders the burden of the family's living expenses. I'd be a dutiful daughter and send money to my relatives.

But no, here's the life I live--a very useless one. There's no one to cook for or go home to, and it is very lonely. I'm used to it, I'm not crying right now, nor do I feel the urge to. Not even to drink. But it is lonely.

I think of my dad, and I do have a reason why I chose to disconnect. But even I'm unsure if that was the right thing to do.

I'll never have that kind of family who'll have my back no matter what. And so tonight, I lie down on the couch, with all the lights off, in my boss's house, and I am lonely and listening to the rain on my own

(Here’s me hoping someone's face will pop up on that door and accompany me tonight.)