Oh my fucking god.

I don't know if it's right that I've finally let loose and believed I'm safe or if this is my reminder not to. 

I'm lucky to be bone dry exhausted to spend even a second of my waking hours ruminating on this. 

Counted na ba 'to as away? Pero buti hindi nag-escalate kasi ang super minor ng puno't dulot. Hahaha. Pero ayun, mag-aaway na nga lang, kilig pa rin. Okay, mas naintindinhan ko na extent ng pake ni Matt sa akin. Secret na lang how, pero may pake pala siya talaga. To quote Karylle, "Hindi ako disposable" hindi pala talaga (I mean realistically hindi ako indispensable pero if pwedeng agapan, eh di aagapan)

 Dahil dito, OK FINE. AKO NA NGA ANG GOLDEN RETRIEVER SA RELATIONSHIP NA 'TO. TANGGAP KO NA.

Kasi naman, pag siya na yung nagsasalita ng ganyan, akala mo ako yung may birthday eh lintek na yan. 🥺 Grabe na 'tong relationship na 'to???? Bakit ganito???? Bakit instant mood fix?????? Grabe ka na uniberso multiberso. Nawala antok ko sa kilig. Parang pinisil puso ko. 

In other news, minsan, namimiss ko yung friendship namin ni Ryan. Feeling ko pag nagkrus kami ulit ng landas, it'll be as if we were never apart. 

I've finally acknowledged na I'm not as motivated to finish school anymore. Idk what to do with my life. May the cosmos guide me. 

 Feels like I'm near the end. 

I'm tired of yapping about the same old shit. This isn't a change in perspective, just burnout. I could share more, but I don't have it in me to further elaborate. Take care. 

 Not sure if nawawalan na nga siya ng gana or what, but the energy has changed. Pero ayoko namang maging dagdag sa iisipin niya if ever. So bahala na ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I know he was busy din, pero he was busy din other times and di naman ganito yung energy. Di ko na rin siya masyadong pinepester kasi ayoko namang mabwisit na rin siya kasi puro ako na lang so hinahayaan ko na lang siya. 

I'm contemplating if papasok ba ako ng 29 or magpapahinga. 

His fear has also become my fear. 

 I've always disliked Rico Blanco's "Antukin" after I came across the lyrics on your run-of-the-mill song book from high school. I found it atrocious that English and Filipino were mixed together, and I likened the song to Wattpad stories that were The Shit™ back in the day—She's Dating the Gangster, Diary ng Panget, etc, all of which should be dubbed as classics from the platform at this point. 

Pero ngayon, na-appreciate ko na siya. Tangina rin nung pinaiyak ng manghuhula at nakakatawa dahil bitch, if it ain't me. Cute pala yung kanta. Eto pala pag inlab. Yieee. Hahahaha.

I got teary eyed dito:

At nabawasan lumbay ko dito kasi ang daming baon ng lintek na crush kong 'to haha

Eto aso ni AJ, sarap yakapin. I instantly felt better when I hugged him 🥺

This dog is HUGE but so well-behaved and so gentle. Humihingang maternity pillow.

And here's Bebu palablab

Nagpareading ako kay Reyn kanina:

I felt a little bad na I still asked this kasi I was reassuring Matt at the same time that he's doing just fine, even better than fine which I meant naman talaga. Idek what the rationale was behind my asking this question. Petty shit, most definitely. 

Here are the readings for questions 2-5:

Cute ni Matt today, pero akin na lang yung ebidensya. Hahahaha. At funny din nito:

And thus, ✨poetry✨ was born. Or Jupee Manese.

And this was a nice touch to end the conversation

We'll always try. Okay na yun. I feel like my veins are filled with glitter hahaha I really, really, really, really adore this person. 

IN OTHER NEWS... DAHIL HINDI LANG NAMAN SI MATT ANG MAHALAGA SA BUHAY KO!!

Natawa ako after ng coaching session ko with my team leader kasi nagsabi yung mga kateam ko na si Athena ba ang na-coaching o nag-coaching? Pero I really utilized my time to clarify everything with Paolo, or idk, vent at least.

And it means a lot to me when the people I share my real, serious thoughts with take their careful time to go over it and really read what I share. I sent a screenshot of what I shared with you yesterday to Airene, Aj, and Matt. Si Matt, could be na nabasa tapos di gusto pag-usapan at the time, parang medyo na-bad mood siya after eh tapos sumama pakiramdam. Make no mistake, when I ask him na I need to have that kind of conversation with someone, he accommodates me so much, tsaka before I started writing the letter, I've been asking for reassurance from him the entire time. Literally. So I get it. That was heavy stuff too. Oo, dinedefend ko, I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression about him. He's a good boyfriend.

But going back, Airene and Aj read thru it and also really supported and encouraged me. Kaya I saw King earlier kasi I dropped by Aj's kanina, tapos habang shine-share ko yung letter, laging may disclaimer na alam kong mahaba so hindi mo need basahin ng buo. Tapos may parts na tumatawa siya, tapos it had me like, "I can do that?"

And Airene is sweet. I wish we could catch up soon. She's one of the people I know I can trust with my bare soul. I love her so much too. Along with Gianna, and many others :)

Tapos natawa ako kasi nung Tuesday nag-nipple cover ako kaso natatanggal, ang ending inalis ko na kahit nasa office ako. Tapos sinita ako ni Mikee kasi yung romper na suot ko, if tumuwad ako, makikita singit at kuyukot ko. It do be comfy tho.

Kinabukasan, nag-bra naman ako, kaso natatanggal yung button sa top na suot ko tapos nung pauwi na kami, nasa harap ko si Mikee, tapos nakatanggal yung button by accident, eh we caught my bra (it's lace btw, okay lang makita pls). I went, "De, fineflex ko lang bra ko pambawi kasi wala ako suot kahapon" tapos humagalpak siya?

Like I'm surprised I can make people laugh like that? I'm not as hateful, I suppose?

When I learned that Trixie tried to kill herself and couldn't stop myself from crying at my desk, Mikee also sent this:

Meant a lot. 

I've always described myself as a sandwich lost in space (thus, the tattoos), an interesting view, but I have nowhere to go, no sense of direction, and I'm floating, suspended. It's not calm and peaceful. I'm scared of outer space. Why would one even be out there?! 

But with all this love around, maybe this time I can just fall without worrying if I'm headed to a crash and burn. Instead, I'll be back home on Earth, and I will free fall into a soft, careful embrace. 

I have to reconsider the weight of my words

I have to reconsider the weight of my words. 

I tried reaching out the polite way. Bilang sinukuan mo na rin naman ako, sige quits na rin. Sumusuko na rin po ako. 

Kaya lang naman po ako nag-message eh para makakita ng maliit na senyales man lang ng sagot sa katanungan ko. Looks like I'll have to take silence as the answer.

 Hindi mo ako mahal. Eto lang naman sana talaga yung gusto kong ma-confirm. I guess I wish things went differently. I wish things were better for us. I wish we lived like in the other homes I've been to, where a nonchalant "how are you" is always understood to be the easiest way to say "I love you" after family fights and a long day or even after the best of days, and everything else in between.

 I think we'd have gotten along if we were on the same level and we were friends, or if you respected me a bit and saw me as an individual.

 We could've gone to therapy together. I think we need it. I wish you no longer do. I know I still do.

 Tama ka naman, I can't sincerely talk shit about you. At most, and only if a chance comes up, I can crack a joke about how the Jennifers of the world are as difficult as they say. Walang nagsabi talaga niyan, pag natataon lang na may nafu-frustrate sa kapangalan mo. J***ff**, in your case.

 But I still wish many times over na sana pinahid niyo na lang ako ng tatay ko sa kumot. Nung delikado yung pagpapanganak sa akin kasi sabi mo premature baby ako, sana natuluyan na lang ako. Akala ko lilipas din 'to, jusko, bente-singko anyos na ako eh. Masyado na akong matanda para dalhin pa rin 'to. Pero hindi ko kayo kinalimutan. Siguro mukhang ganun para sa inyo at naiintindihan ko naman. Nag-assume lang ako na nirerespeto niyo yung ginawa ko kasi marami namang bumukod sa atin. 

 Siguro ang sakit na wala kang makitang maganda sa akin. I know you only want what's best for me, but that's the thing—you only want what you think is best for me, no ifs and no buts. In my twenty-five years of existence, it's pathetic how part of me still wants your approval. I never had the guts to reach out to actually attain it until when I messaged, pero sa perspective ko at least, hindi naman ako cheating ex boyfriend para hindi kausapin. But what do I know? I can't invalidate how you feel either, and I get that too. Alam mo, I've had other people tell me they're proud of me. I'll have to make do with finding a mother in every person I see until I've understood enough to be my own mother. 

 Siguro, I wish I was afforded the same amount of patience and effort to understand where the other person was coming from, because that's what I've been trying to do since we last talked. I wish I was like this when I had the chance, I wish I was this better person I am now (and I'm not saying I'm good enough or that I'm a role model, but I'm better than who I was before by a stretch, and I'm not even a trashy person to start with). Kaso kasi, you were the adults while I still had a lot to learn. I still do now, but you've known the world for two decades more than I have. In a sense, tama yung ex-best friend ko, it felt like I was being held off from growing. I didn't feel like my growth and path as a person was respected. She ended up admitting she liked me, so your gut instinct was right. That's cool. 

I never felt close to any of you. I never felt like I had a family, in case you think you treated me like one. In all the meals we've shared, I always felt as if I've been pushed outside and seated several feet away from everyone else. Maybe it's just me and I'm mental. Maybe there really is something to this. But you can't leave someone out from a round table, and that's what we literally had back then.  

At most, there was Tita ***. I appreciate her softness and her hope for life, and that's something I want to emulate. I don't know who Tita ***is since I left, but to be the she was then after that all those years? The world is unrelenting to say the least, and so optimism is quite a feat. Now, I say 'was' because due to my incompetence and stupidity, it didn't process until years after that what I thought to be words of encouragement weren't. She really hit the spot, and that was genius. Adults really know best, after all.

I am an underachiever. Makes for a funny story. 

Everyday I'm trying to find a reason not to kill myself. Some days, I'd have been successful had it not been for a slight interference, like my annoyingly cute dog. Other days, I'm scared should the day arrive when I just go fuck-all and get it done and over with, then I succeed.

It's easy to be angry because of the things that weren't and the things that were, but I understand you had to fend for yourself and you've gone through a lot. I had this joke to myself where I keep a mental checklist of the struggles you've shared to me, and I cross out the ones I've experienced. Maybe then I can truly be heard once I've crossed out everything.

For honesty's sake, I'll share this one evil thought I've had— how it would be easier to say I'm an orphan, because 'unwanted child' is just too long and also takes away everything you've done for me and, sincerely, I can't discredit that.

I hate that you were forced to put up with me, but I know you tried your best with what you had. I'm not sure if you ever thought of leaving me with my dad so you could've lived your life the way you see fit, but didn't after learning of my dad's incompetence. 

Something you've unintentionally taught me is how it's not easy learning about something you never had or experienced. No one ever trusted me to carry a baby, so I don't trust myself either. And I still don't, but it doesn't matter anymore at this point. Point is, I wanted a mother, and I know you didn't have yours for a long time either, but I just can't make sense why that opportunity had to be taken away from a child when care can be so easily given to faceless men begging for alms on the sidewalk. Maybe this is one more thing that will take me years to digest.

All I know is I'm trying my best every single day. I owned up to the jeepney driver the two times I didn't have enough money in my wallet. I apologize for when I'm shushed because my voice tends to be louder than acceptable. I know when I'm being moody and I apologize when I get curt with my friends. Sometimes, my brain works and I'm forthcoming about my moods, so they can cut me some slack if I fuck up, but I always try. I'm not really sure why, but there are people who surprisingly still respect me. I know there are people who hate me for sure. It didn't have to be through this, but I’ve turned out strong and fair and honest and not as prideful. I would've been powerful, but I'll always have that little voice creep in from behind to remind me that the people who, I've been brainwashed would accept me, just don't. I'm bottom of the barrel trash. So at least I got my humility there. My ego would've shot through the roof if I had a piece of that careful loving. Or maybe my ego would be just right. The humility is only a mask for insecurity. Or sometimes the insecurity is masked as god complex. As of this writing, the mask is just off.

To conclude this novel of a letter, I just wish life is better for you. I can't imagine the burden of having to do your best at something you never really wanted, and raising a child at that! And I would never know, because I can't live with myself if I did that. I'd rather commit a crime and get an abortion than raise a child when I don't have the mental and financial stability for it. Romance is nice though. I want that for you at the least. I hope you're living the life you want now. You deserve to be happy. I know you were only doing things the way you know how. I guess life just sucks every other day. If you should have a child again, I hope it doesn't turn out this way. I hope this is a happy Mother’s Day for you. Thank you. 

 I really hate myself today. I wish I had it in me to end everything. 

 Anyway, I forgot to say something I've been meaning to share about Matt since last week pa. Napansin ko lang na yung mga sinasabi kong pakinggan niya ay apparently na-like niya na pala sa Spotify. Di lang niya ina-announce. Like these:

Plus we cleared up what I was worried about a few days bac. Thank you for this relationship. 

I think I might be spiralling too. I felt like crap this morning. 

I just saw Sleeping with other people and wondered what if placeholder lang pala ako for someone? And if an opportunity comes up for a shot to be with the greater love, what then? Nagbabahay-bahayan lang ba ako? What if yun pala yung lesson for Matt, to choose what will make him happy over protecting the feelings of other people who matter? So in the grand scheme of things, it would've been the right choice... Granted, he could also be a placeholder for someone too—as to who, idk. Kasi right now, siya naman talaga. Sigurado akong wala akong lingering feelings sa ibang tao. I still have my personal issues though, true, but I know enough not to waste my time and emotions kung di ko naman pala kayang panindigan yung relationship. Siguro that's where the fear is coming from, kasi committed nga ako tapos baka bumalik lang ako sa dati na mahihirapan na naman akong mag-let down ng walls ko kasi it wouldn't go as well as I hoped. Gets ko namang pessimistic 'to kasi kung tutuusin, we are okay. Everything is going great. Seryoso. I can't believe I'm in this kind of relationship where it feels secure. 

Naniniwala naman ako sa sinasabi niya. Wala lang. Makes you think. We're okay though. Wala namang certain talaga in life. Magsasabi naman daw siya if may issue. 

Di ko sure if may sense pa to. Also deja vu. And Bebu cute 

So I've bought Matt his bday gift. I'm not sure if we're okay tho. Naalala ko lang din yung lie niya about how hindi pa raw dumadating yung gift ko raw nung pasko, na hindi na nga dumating, at naalala ko lang din bigla yung kinwento niyang binigyan nya raw ng gift yung isang naka-thing niya ng personalized stuff na may jokes. Ganun lang ba yun kasi baka mas matagal niyang kilala yun? Or ganito lang ba ako kasi first day ko? Ewan ko. Something also feels off. I'm also a little anxious na baka he's lost interest in me and this is yet another example of a relationship that proves what they say about how it's better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them. Or maybe I just need alcohol.

If hindi kami umabot ng birthday niya, benta ko na lang 'to or idk. Or maybe I'm being needy.

In other news, of course, more friends bailed on me again. Sucks but eh. I did a little happy dance din kasi nakakatamad.

I also called in sick sa work for two days. Bigat ng pakiramdam ko lately.

Also found out that my boss missed the email where I attached the signed paperwork for my salary increase, kaya umabot ng 2 months ang delay para ma-apply.

Bebu also seems different.

Or maybe I've changed. 

I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I feel horrible about myself. 

 Di rin ako makatulog kasi iniisip ko kung galit ba si Matt sa akin o nagsasawa na or sadyang bad mood lang. 

I don't like having these thoughts. I hope I fall asleep soon. 

 Cute ni Matt kasi sabi niya 3 weeks na daw kaming di nakikita pero actually 12 days pa lang so technically hindi pa nga two weeks eh, pero miss ko na rin naman siya. But I'm glad he'll be going out with his friends. I respect how he manages his time. In fact, I think he accommodates me a lot pa nga so swerte at ang ganda ko naman dun hahahaha cute ng jowa ko. Miss ko na rin siya. Always want kantot. Malibog pala talaga ako, it's not just a phase. Sarap ng jowa q ih. Hay. Thank you for this guy. I will kill for Matt😡

Thank you universe. I'm just exhausted, pero I have other things that are going well for me. I hope I recover from this feeling 

 Idk who you are, but I'm thankful you're around. Nakaka-frustrate pag wala kang magawa out of your frustration and for the people who matter. Ang sad. Sana si Jesus Christ na lang ako

Song 1 and song 2 a bit alike or is it just me? I miss my jowa :<

This part reminds me of Decision to Leave dahil dun sa sea-sky comparison of this one youtube review on the movie that I saw.

So, nawala yung one bad thing that could lead to my resignation by July which is yung pagbabalik ni Ainge as ops manager kasi hindi na siya hahawak sa amin. Pero yung papalit naman kasi sa kanya does not seem as promising, pero bahala sila. 

I wish I were richer. I'm not sure if I should get a new pair of glasses na. 

 ganda ko skl 

im tired

apie 600th entry

This is reassuring. Kaya pala ang apologetic niya kagabi, kaso di na kasi ako maka-sneak in ng ibang messaging sites na at work eh :( 

I'm making a conscious effort to fight my brain and trust Matt. Matt is not Russell. Siguro part of me is scared na habang eto ako, nagmamahal, baka I'm being cheated on na pala. Pero I trust Matt. Matt has better things to do than that. At mahalaga oras nun para sa sarili niya.

Natakot lang ako. Kung tutuusin, we still see each other often. We just don't talk as often na, pero syempre dasurv yun. Need ni Matt ng sleep otherwise baka ma-burnout lalo yun sa work. Ako rin naman nabubusy kaya di rin nakakareply agad.

Na-appreciate ko yung honesty tho na he felt the same way. Siguro ang akin lang, kung may higher deity nga talaga and God's not dead (eyyy lol), eh salamat.

Masaya naman ako sa takbo ng relationship namin ni Matt eh. Wala naman pagkukulang si Matt. Sana ako rin. Di pa rin ako maka-decide ano ireregalo sa kanya. May nakikita ako. Sana sumahod na ako. Siguro sa katapusan ng April ako bibili at the latest or pwede magdecide na ako non para split costs end ng April at mid-May. Korek.

Natapos ko na album ng Silk Sonic. Paborito ko Smokin out the window, Skate, Love's Train, Put on a smile.

Tapos eto current faves q (no particular order)

One

Two

Three

Siguro the worry is coming from the fear of losing this when it's the most I've loved, and to top it off, I'm loved back! And a few other irrational thoughts na I'll get over hopefully tomorrow. Matt is rational. Sana if may nagawa ako magsabi siya para maayos agad imbes na mag-fester.

Also, ayoko nang mag-abot kami ni Ainge sa office. Sana makahanap ako ng magandang work with good pay before then. 

Sana may magandang balik naman yung lungkot kong hindi ko alam anong dahilan, and everything I don't have that almost everyone else has. Sana bigyan pa ako ng mundo ng pasensya for it at pagpapasensya, because we both need it. 

I don't want to think about mortality atm, my train of thought seems to be headed that way. 

I saw Donnie Darko today. Sana kami na ni Matt gang libingan. 

Sana safe si Airene. 

Sana sumahod na ako. 

May viral pala sa Twt atm, ano raw insult na di mo malilimutan, eto akin:

Fave ko is that sya nagstalk sa akin sa jeep, and after he blocked me kasi pinagseselosan ako ng then-gf niya, the idiot had the gall to ask how I was doing pa some time after, and shared pang oo, kalbo na nga raw siya. This is from 2017 ata. Anyway, la naman akong pake sa tao. Ego ko lang naapakan don. Di ko lang talaga makakalimutan yan ewan ko bakit. Tsaka yung underachiever comment ni Tita Lot din, top 1 ko yun. Lol.

Happy 600th entry, I guess. 

 I came clean about how I really felt yesterday to Matt, and I'm worried na baka na-turn off siya dun. I hope not. I can manage better naman na. 

I hope he's doing ok. 

I could have done something stupid today if Bebu wasn't her usual idiot self. I was in the middle of a breakdown when she started making these annoying sounds and biting her kainan. I got up, took it away kasi nakakairita yung ingay then I  started cleaning up.

Matt's a good guy, to a fault na rin sometimes, or baka swerte lang akong I get to see that kasi he loves me? But anyway, I'm trying naman, pero if worse comes to worst, then I hope he has enough self-respect to leave me. I hope wala sa isip niyang mag-stay with me kasi deliks ako and he feels like he has to because otherwise I'll do smth stupid. Sana hindi. Sinisikap ko namang di madala eh.

Life. 

Ganda ko:

Bigay ni AJ:

Fav joke ko from Matt atm:

Naisip ko lang ding ang amusing na dun sa convo namin when he asked me out, I told him na tamad akong lumabas tapos yung ginamit niyang picture dun sa how it started vs how it's going prompt eh yung tulog ako sa tabi niya. Parang, "Ah tamad ka palang lumabas ah, eh di okay lang" 

Totoo nga, I do need Bebu.

Thanks for dropping by. 

jhyubguy jn