Goal ko in life maging personification ng salitang YEHEY.

Ang dami kong kwento sa'yo, but it's been very busy lately that I've become even more sleep deprived. I guess let's start with the most important thing is that I've decided to get over it—I will not explain myself, maybe not for now. If you don't get the context e di lol. Hope the weekend comes already.

is it weird that the imagery of sleepless nights, messy hair, darker eyebags, cozy clothing, rushing to a location for work excites me? i want to graduate and really be in the creative industry somehow. i looked up line producing and i dont understand why Ryan recommended this when the job requires more than communication skills... im scatterbrained as fuck. 

lol

but it's interesting. 

im so excited pag natapos na yung sa pag organize ko. 

im gearing towards getting the following:

bed frame - done (i opted for a pallet bedframe) 

electric fan 

floor lamp - im still deciding and looking for smth cheap

kitchen table - im still sourcing shit

couch - im still talking to people

center table 

im so excited to show you how my place is gonna look once everything is done!!! here's how it looks like so far:

i also wanna buy a comforter. i really make my place cozyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and with dim lighting!!!!!!! <3333

Honestly? I realized yesterday that I actually don't feel okay. Adi is right; moving sucks. Even when

you're moving towards something good, it's always going to be a hassle. But the thought that I have to remain composed and on top of my shit overcame this feeling of sadness. I'll let myself feel sad some other day, when I have the time for it. Right now, I don't. 

I don't love you any less, and I still miss you, and I'd like to believe I'll have luck or something, anything on my side next time, but I have a lot of other shit to think about first. And I'm happy to be doing things for myself, despite the stress and the hassle. Hirap kaya maglipat as a fixed sign. CHAROT. Nilamon na ako ng astrology. 

Thank you for still being here :) I wish I could hear your stories too, but I just want you to be okay for the most part. 

today, let's not settle for a song and go for an entire album instead :) my favorite song/s from there would be january, a mirror for two voices, simple moon, and stranger to yourself :) 

Ganda rin lyrics nito.

secret na lang natin

 

 https://youtu.be/5l195IBut-s

https://youtu.be/ScLF6dwvMTo

natatawa ako today, convos for the day:

eto pa:

wakakakka pero to further elaborate, alam mo ba, when adi and i had a few drinks, it made me realize things from a different perspective, about how no matter how drained i may seem, i always have something to give, tho ayun nga, at my worst, i do it at my expense, pero now that i have enough love to go around, ang ganda niya. na kahit akala mo upos ka, hindi pala talaga nauubos ang love. there will always be something to go around. so ayun ang galing. kaya i dont see what im doing as stupid tbh. mahal ko si ryan and yun na yun. 

also as indicated on my twitter name NAKUHA KO ANG FUCKING NBI CLEARANCE KO WAHAHAHAHHA

congratulate me yes

Also I looked hot kanina hehe

also god i took a quick nap at work today and i was so bothered bc i dreamt someone was playing w me (non wholesome) and so i let out a moan and it was recorded by our IT dept and played in the office and sa dream ko nagising daw ako na i was playing w myself kasi nga naturn on daw ako sa dream na someone was playing w me pero dreamception pala kasi sa waking world ko (real waking world), naglaway lang ako feel ko sa side ng bibig ko e HAHAHAHA

 I love MS Excel:

Look at how pretty the colors are!!! I really love excel haha

I've had this entry on pending for the longest time, bc i felt like I cant speak to you. 

Alam mo, ive been trying to keep myself from thinking of you, pero bakit ko ba kailangang irestrict sarili ko? wala naman akong inaapakang tao, hindi naman ako nanghihimasok, hindi ko naman pinagpipilitan sarili ko. responsable pa rin naman ako sa buhay ko i think hahahahahaha pero di ko pa rin naaasikaso NBI ko 

sana okay ka lang. 

i dont love you any less. 

EDIT!!!!!!!!!!!

usto ko lang naman jumebs pero bakit ganoin nakasalamuha ko rin ang GM namin awit !!!!!!!! and she said she was the one who told ainge to hire me back.........................................................................

idk what to say...................

and she said something along the lines of being a good fit for their company...................................

thoughts have been thunk

i still have plans

maybe i do have a guardian angel bc no matter whats been going on my life is ok and i am ok

**

also theres a guy at work who is being weird to me and anj kasi he keeps lying about his age tapos it's u that i still think of like walang panama mga tao sayo HAHAHAHAHA

alam mo di ko inexpect lang na kahit yung ugali ko pag nangungukay ako ganun pa rin pala ako sa tao hahaha kasi nasanay akong i fuck up all relationships, romantic and otherwise, tapos kasi ugali ko na pag may nakita akong damit na gusto kong kunin yun na yun hanggang dulo HAHAHAH

hindi ka naman damit sa ukayan pero ganun ka sa akin

anyway ayun nga ang weird niya, iba ka pa rin. ure literally the best luv u

alam mo for a quick moment when i had a few drinks over the weekend, i told adi na what if i kissed u when i had the chance and then i realized yeah i shouldnt have because if i did we might not even be talking anymore now. 

divine fucking timing lang talaga. 

gusto kong bumili ng crystal, yung blue apatite. 

akala ata ng mga tao im hard at work here pero nagtatype lang ako dito sa diary ko HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA pero srsly eto na magwowork na ako hahahahah 

u know why i havent been talking much abt work? it;s bc i feel so incompetent and it was only yesterday that i let it out, and turns out, i told the right person about it because:

i nonchalantly (or so i think) thought out loud abt how i feel w my new job and she messaged me sa slack lang after we returned to our seats (we were talking sa restroom kasi) 

hays, theres something to be thankful for every single day. 

i love music so much, and i hear you in every song that plays. you are still all the songs in the world. 

I love you just the same. I heard that song yesterday, and I just want to share it with you. Cute, e. Hahaha. 

AJ fed me nung nakaraan pala:

And Adi sent me this:

 IDK what to do tbh I wanna leave and go home but I can't leave Adi alone 🥲

 Nagka heart to heart talk kami ni Adi anr it's sort of remindrr mr wbt shot much I wnwna die to ok lol

I went to Intramuros yesterday with Kassandra:

I had a bad dream about Bebu last night

I bought cake and scallops earlier today:

I've been singing all day;

https://wesingapp.com/user/609c94862d2c37883449/song/DDhoes8aKJTSv8lX-WhyTrytoChangeMeNow?lang=en&ws_channel=copylink&from_page=2299

Heheheheheh

Ryan you cannot be my TOTGA hindi pwede ayokong sa next life pa tayo. Mahal kita. Mahal kita, Ryan. 

I wanna kiss you!!!! 

I am drinking with Adi right now and she's reading me a poem she wrote for someone and I liked a line, "Ikaw ang walang kasiguraduhang sigurado ako" because Im sure about u but obvi there's still no guarantee hahahahaha I love u!!!!  I'm tipsy but I love u!!! 

 My dream was weird. I dreamt of a guy who isn't Ryan and all I can remember was how he seemed like the perfect guy, and just when I thought I couldn't be more in love with him, I then find out later in the dream that he's voting for Ka Leody, so. And then I woke up. Anyway, I look cute again right now. I will be going to Intramuros tomorrow, I think. I also got my backpay now! Yay. I will survive!

 

Ang masasabi ko lang ay I look so badass.

 

More updates later, I guess. Here's your song. 

I'm pretty rational, but some part of me tried to fight off this nagging suspicion that you DO love me too but you're just holding back. I can take the pain, but I need something to cushion me from it somehow. And that something would be a clear reassurance that you love me too, because after this, we're good. I don't even need us to be an item and while you don't want me to wait, I actually think I can. Someone asked me out (from Reddit 🤮), but I'm hardheaded as they come. You're the only fish in the sea, indeed.

I don't know why this is, and it doesn't matter anymore what or why this is, but I love just you.

It's not that I can't move on from you; it's that I don't want to? I really believe in this. 

I was just telling Adi's bf that it's not bad to have faith in the people who believe in them, to hold onto it until you can believe in things on your own... And I think, with you, I have this much conviction on this... If I'm really not being delusional, I hope you find it enough to hang onto this much faith I have for this until you can also believe in it yourself. Idk. Idk if things are making sense.

Some were saying maybe we can have a shot at it in another life, but something in my heart clenches at the thought, like it just feels criminally wrong to let this carry over to our next lives. I don't know why, but it just doesn't feel right. I KNOW HOW TO MOVE ON, but something in me tells me that I shouldn't from you. This has never come from me ever, but fuck, if fate was real, this would be it. That's how it feels for me. 

I know when to cut my losses, let go, and move on, believe me. I do not fear loss. But it feels criminally wrong to let go of you. It's hard to wait until the divine timing, and frankly, that's all I have at this point—that maybe when the time is right, then we can happen.

That's really all I have going for me, and yes, you're worth it, but it's hard. I wish you truly love me, and if you do, I wish you were clear about it. I can't with subtlety and subtext anymore. I'm only this firm and strong of a person because I don't like blurred lines, especially when their being blurred can be within a person's control. I've done my fair share of clearing up which is which, and you have said your part, and I know I could take it as my cue, but god fucking damn it, I'm still here.

And I don't feel weakened or burdened by this. What this does is just take me by surprise with how strong and intense my feelings are for you, and it helps me better understand the weight of my feelings.

Hindi ko 'to mababaling sa iba. I'm on firm ground, and it's firm as firm can be.

I've already lived out a future where you would remain my greatest love for this lifetime while you live the rest of your days with someone else, but it doesn't faze me. I've already accepted that fate. I don't think there's anyone else I'd want to be with if it isn't you. I love you this much. I can live alone with just my feelings, and I wouldn't call it a bad life.

I want you to know that I'm still here, and nothing's changed. Walang nabawas sa kung gaano kita kamahal. 

 I've grown to like mornings. Or really, maybe it's any time of the day that isn't crowded and the roads aren't congested like it is at 9AM or 8PM.

But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Life isn't really so bad, but I feel so cranky. It was my father's birthday nung 12. 

I was going to order food online, but I changed my mind. Hindi naman pala talaga ako gutom nor do I really want anything. Or know what it is that I want. It's just become a habit of mine to treat myself to things like that, but I don't feel like it anymore. 

I was just speaking with Adi and idk. Im not really the expert on relationships. Or love even. I feel jaded about love. She has suspicions that Mark is cheating on her again. She also says theyre both sure of each other. Ganun ba talaga yun? Is it really part of love, having to do things you dont have to? Like calling your co-workers colleagues to make sure your partner didnt go elsewhere to meet a potential kabit? 

it felt like it just clicked. it felt like it was special. it made me want to believe, and that believing was enough. 

How can something youre sure of still make you feel sad? 

There. Thats whats been bugging me all morning. baka nga pinanghihinaan ako ng loob, and why not right? pero thats a good thing right? tama na nga to. im tired. im just tired of everything. its all me. im not gonna look outward. its all just me. im tired im fed up. 

i wish there was a formula to everything, maybe i really shouldve done better in math. the numbers are always definite. but with things we're made of? those you cant even fully grasp the concept of, theyre the terrifying ones, and the tiring ones tbh. 

i know i did say id leave it all to fate. true.

maybe this is part of the process.

im keeping the sad thoughts away, and id liek to think im doing a good job. i am. but it doesnt make me feel any less sad.

but its the right amount of sadness, just enough not to push me over the edge. i dont even feel like crying. i just feel tired. 

i wish things were better, but i can only wish. i wish for many other things, but then again, i can only wish for them. 

i have so many other thoughts, but ill have to get to work for now

did i ever say what it was i wanted? bc i never rly understood fully what it was until a few days after i confessed. all i really wanted was the reassurance that i was loved back, because that was all i needed. and yeah i got it, just not to the extent that i wanted to be loved back and i refused to understand it. maybe this is it. ill get better. 

But all the same, I don't think I love him any less either. 

 Tapos na period ko, eh, but I don't know bakit ganito. There are some I'd rather share to the person they're for, sorry. :) And I don't think I wanna keep what I'm feeling right now... So I'll just let it pass, I guess.

I discovered something funny about Bebu today. So she loves me unconditionally di ba? Pero naiirita siya pag hinihipan ko mukha niya, just like how she's scared of my blow-dryer. Lol. Pero siya ang lakas makabuntong-hininga sa mukha ko hahahahaha

I don't know what or who I exactly want to be in the future, but all I know is I truly want to be okay. And I think I am okay. But maybe today is just one of those days.

It's really nice that I don't have to talk to anyone or explain how work is these days for me. I don't have it in me to do so. I don't hate my job, not yet at least, but I'd rather not talk about it. But I appreciate Adi when she asked because I know she's only coming from a good place and I love her for it

 I think I want a Great Dane or a Bichon Frise. It feels good to sleep with my dog. Like her softness feels so greaat!! she's my stuffed toy. I worry about leaving her alone esp now that it's raining. I hope she gets by okay :( Im so excited to follow thru my plans ehehe i havent been feeling so ~live laugh love~ lately but im not feeling like a sadgirl either-- just that it's one of those mundane days maybe 

I wish to hear from you. 

I still havent taken care of my NBI clearance lol and i was supposed to this monday

An officemate told me my face DOES look less fat HAHAHA so yay! i keep thinking about my dog i want to eat something delicious but idk what exactly ive been craving cake but i already had ice cream and that fixed it. since idk what it is that i want exactly, magtitipid na lang ako 

 I think I feel a little down today. I can't move past Cocoon & Pagan Poetry.

Today is my father's birthday. He turns 60. I wish I weren't alone right now, but I'll be okay. I wish there was somewhere I could go now, but I'll be okay. 

I wish I could still write—and I can try—but I don't know where to start. 

You may not see this part anymore, because I literally just saw this post get one view, and I'm typing this part just now.

I missed you by a few minutes. Well, it's nice that you're there. Thanks. 

baka matawa ka ba. pero alam mo ba inisip ko paano pag ikaw yung nagkaroon ng receding hairline? tapos naisip kong mamahalin pa rin pala kita. SERYOSO YAN! AM I DOWN BAD? I AM DOWN BAD. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEN AND NOW IS I HAVE OWNED UP TO MY FEELINGS AND IM NO LONGER ASHAMED OF IT. 

I fully acknowledge how I feel for you and honestly? I like it. You may think it intense, but :) such is love ok gotta work na love u

I look great don't I?

+ Look at Bebu:

 Hehe u know I've been thinking of getting a 2BR place so I can convert one bedroom into a room where I can develop my film.....................

Idk. Just a silly and impractical thought, since I'm still not comfortable with having strangers see the things/ppl on my rolls 

Dump:

Radiohead's "True Love Waits" has been playing on my head for days now.

I love you.

I hope to love you like in Björk's Vespertine. 

"Being embarrassed in front of you is temporary, but I'd regret it forever if you misunderstood me."

 Ang aga mo naman today wow anw kalalabas ko lang ng work so ayun. Cute ko today di ba? 

Hindi ko pa rin naaasikaso ang NBI clearance ko lol im sorry lord why am I so lazy hahaha

About work... It's too early to say anything, pero di ko na titignan yung trabaho kundi yung sweldo na lang. Masaya na ako dun for now. Sana talaga may ma-allot na ako para sa mga plano ko. Nagtanong na rin ako sa landlady ko and may 1BR apartment sila na mababakante sa katapusan so yeheyyy! Di ako mahihirapan maglipat! Tapos baka mapakiusapan ko pang di na ako singilin ng deposit o kaya baka dagdagan ko na lang ng konti hehehe

Tuloy pa rin ang laptop. Unahin ko lang living space ko ok????  Hahaha. Once I've settled in dun sa new room then I'll get a laptop kahit di muna ako pakabit internet. I just find it amusing with how things are going, it's like nakalatag na lahat at ang gagawin ko na lang is take a step. The path is already there and I just need to walk.

EDIT 7:19PM

Speaking of walking, BEBU AND I HAD OUR FIRST WALK!!!!!!! OFC IT WAS CHAOTIC INIIKUTAN LANG AKO NI BEBU BUT ITS OUR FIRST TIME SO HAHAHA ayuuun I'm so excited sa time na masasanay na kami both. I want to develop this habit for us both hehehehehe

And it feels good to talk to Adi about how I feel about Ryan and not be called crazy for it. Like siguro, I find it crazy lang kasi I've never felt like this before. Pero I'm calm. I'm sure about how I feel. For some reason. I just have faith in it. And I'm not in a rush. Anyway nap muna ako before work labya 💖 

My life is really good. :) I hope yours is too. I feel so blessed.

Hi hehe

I failed yesterday's Wordle hehe

In other news, I've been reading up on the path of the bodhisattva and hmmm... Fascinating stuff. Funny rin pala na it took me like 3 hrs to realize I wore my skirt the wrong way. Yung likod nasa harap, eh may slit yun. Buti na lang for some moments, may coat ako so natatakpan pero may times na wala e. And yay I finally got my period too!!! Wala. I'm just happy na regular period ko hahaha

I don't get why coffee has been doing nothing but make me sleepy ALL the time 😢 e before I started drinking coffee again, ang tagal din ng time na di me nagcocoffee!

I like what I'm wearing din! Tho gusot yung coat eheh plantsahin ko tomorrow