More updates later, I guess. Here's your song.
I'm pretty rational, but some part of me tried to fight off this nagging suspicion that you DO love me too but you're just holding back. I can take the pain, but I need something to cushion me from it somehow. And that something would be a clear reassurance that you love me too, because after this, we're good. I don't even need us to be an item and while you don't want me to wait, I actually think I can. Someone asked me out (from Reddit 🤮), but I'm hardheaded as they come. You're the only fish in the sea, indeed.
I don't know why this is, and it doesn't matter anymore what or why this is, but I love just you.
It's not that I can't move on from you; it's that I don't want to? I really believe in this.
I was just telling Adi's bf that it's not bad to have faith in the people who believe in them, to hold onto it until you can believe in things on your own... And I think, with you, I have this much conviction on this... If I'm really not being delusional, I hope you find it enough to hang onto this much faith I have for this until you can also believe in it yourself. Idk. Idk if things are making sense.
Some were saying maybe we can have a shot at it in another life, but something in my heart clenches at the thought, like it just feels criminally wrong to let this carry over to our next lives. I don't know why, but it just doesn't feel right. I KNOW HOW TO MOVE ON, but something in me tells me that I shouldn't from you. This has never come from me ever, but fuck, if fate was real, this would be it. That's how it feels for me.
I know when to cut my losses, let go, and move on, believe me. I do not fear loss. But it feels criminally wrong to let go of you. It's hard to wait until the divine timing, and frankly, that's all I have at this point—that maybe when the time is right, then we can happen.
That's really all I have going for me, and yes, you're worth it, but it's hard. I wish you truly love me, and if you do, I wish you were clear about it. I can't with subtlety and subtext anymore. I'm only this firm and strong of a person because I don't like blurred lines, especially when their being blurred can be within a person's control. I've done my fair share of clearing up which is which, and you have said your part, and I know I could take it as my cue, but god fucking damn it, I'm still here.
And I don't feel weakened or burdened by this. What this does is just take me by surprise with how strong and intense my feelings are for you, and it helps me better understand the weight of my feelings.
Hindi ko 'to mababaling sa iba. I'm on firm ground, and it's firm as firm can be.
I've already lived out a future where you would remain my greatest love for this lifetime while you live the rest of your days with someone else, but it doesn't faze me. I've already accepted that fate. I don't think there's anyone else I'd want to be with if it isn't you. I love you this much. I can live alone with just my feelings, and I wouldn't call it a bad life.
I want you to know that I'm still here, and nothing's changed. Walang nabawas sa kung gaano kita kamahal.