But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Life isn't really so bad, but I feel so cranky. It was my father's birthday nung 12. 

I was going to order food online, but I changed my mind. Hindi naman pala talaga ako gutom nor do I really want anything. Or know what it is that I want. It's just become a habit of mine to treat myself to things like that, but I don't feel like it anymore. 

I was just speaking with Adi and idk. Im not really the expert on relationships. Or love even. I feel jaded about love. She has suspicions that Mark is cheating on her again. She also says theyre both sure of each other. Ganun ba talaga yun? Is it really part of love, having to do things you dont have to? Like calling your co-workers colleagues to make sure your partner didnt go elsewhere to meet a potential kabit? 

it felt like it just clicked. it felt like it was special. it made me want to believe, and that believing was enough. 

How can something youre sure of still make you feel sad? 

There. Thats whats been bugging me all morning. baka nga pinanghihinaan ako ng loob, and why not right? pero thats a good thing right? tama na nga to. im tired. im just tired of everything. its all me. im not gonna look outward. its all just me. im tired im fed up. 

i wish there was a formula to everything, maybe i really shouldve done better in math. the numbers are always definite. but with things we're made of? those you cant even fully grasp the concept of, theyre the terrifying ones, and the tiring ones tbh. 

i know i did say id leave it all to fate. true.

maybe this is part of the process.

im keeping the sad thoughts away, and id liek to think im doing a good job. i am. but it doesnt make me feel any less sad.

but its the right amount of sadness, just enough not to push me over the edge. i dont even feel like crying. i just feel tired. 

i wish things were better, but i can only wish. i wish for many other things, but then again, i can only wish for them. 

i have so many other thoughts, but ill have to get to work for now

did i ever say what it was i wanted? bc i never rly understood fully what it was until a few days after i confessed. all i really wanted was the reassurance that i was loved back, because that was all i needed. and yeah i got it, just not to the extent that i wanted to be loved back and i refused to understand it. maybe this is it. ill get better. 

But all the same, I don't think I love him any less either.