What kind of a fighter are you?

Naisip ko lang that when I do fight, I'd like to think I fight with conviction. Nakakapagod din palang maging ako. 

 Ang pangit ng tulog ko lately madalas na rin akong nagigising na umiiyak hayst skl

 Uunahan ko na universe ha, ayoko na ng December 2020 part two, yung ang lala ng yearning ko ng October tapos biglang nagkanda-leche leche na yung sumunod na buwan. Pls lang. Nakakalungkot minsan pero nananahimik na pepe ko. 

 I gave my puppy a bath hehe she smells so good na hehe i just need to clean her ears and brush her teeth

 Hi. Share ko lang sa'yo ang aking random tot.

Sunod-sunod akong nakakita ng buntis ngayon habang naglalakad pauw tapos naisip ko sana buntis na lang ako kasi sometimes it's a badge na you're wanted and I'm not getting any thinner or prettier or younger tsaka siguro para may false sense of purpose in life na ako hahaha char tapos papalaglag para valid pa rin for maternity leave CHOUR ONLY ahaha Medyo gusto ko nang sukuan 'tong tuta ko. Hindi naman dahil nakakatamad maglinis, it's become part of routine na pero wala lang. Hays. Ang kulit. Gusto ko na ring sukuang ga-graduate ako this year.

Also realized I'm never gonna find love outside of dating apps. Sad. Tangina am i really just a hole to stick a piece of meat in

 I hope you're gay. Or maybe that I'm gay. God. Anyway. Ackkkk. Ang cute ng crush ko punyeta. Gets ko namang unrequited talaga. Okay lang talaga. Pero ackkkkk. Parang nahihiya akong mag-exist kasi he deserves so much? Parang hindi ko deserve na maging nasa mundo niya lolol does that make sense ang cute niya gagu nakakainis nakakainis nakakainis

Nakakahiya ngang malaman niya pang crush ko siya lol he deserves so much. Anyway, di na naman ako makakatulog kasi may nagpupukpok na naman.

Okay tatantanan ko na 'tong crush ko. Kakalma lang ako. It's not going to happen anyway. I'll just focus on myself. Bakit ang awkward pag sinabing mahal pero magaan lang pag yung word na love yung gamit?

I still hope it happens. But in case it really won't, okay lang din. 

 Hi.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't think I'm really okay, but I'm happy for my friends and I think I shouldn't burden them with this na. They've been there so much for me, I want to be there for naman. Pero kahit ikaw na lang. I don't feel happy. I don't want to function. I don't want to graduate anymore. I'm so tired.

I'm not going to tell any of my friends na lang. It's okay. 

Thanks for giving me the time of day. :)

***

People are going to see you. And I'm sorry that I can't keep my eyes off of you, but such is love. 

—that's a note from last month lmao

 Possible pala talagang magmahal ng tao tapos di mo na dama yung need na ipagpilitan yung sarili mo sa kanya tapos masaya ka na lang para sa kanya tapos gusto mo lang na andun siya kaya kung ibig sabihin nun, ganun na lang. Safe na rin naman 'to. Kung oo, e di oo. Kung hindi, e di hindi.

Syempre, ramdam ko namang di ko rin naman aayawan kung sakaling masuklian 'to—he's what comes to mind even on my darnedest, drunken nights, pero he doesn't have to know anymore. I'll just be around him, and he'll just be around me, and that's okay.

Or epekto lang ba 'to ng Boyhood ni Linklater? Lol. I didn't really think I'd take the time to listen to Beatles songs back to back, but now I appreciate the song.

Siguro ito yung kapalit nung pag-iyak ko sa highway last weekend habang nakikinig din sa mga kanta. Siguro kahit naman masakit nung time na yon, alam ko namang deep down na hindi talaga. Okay lang. Biruin mo, nalasing ako, pero never ko siya dinrunk chat. May restraint na yiee. Haha. Magsasabbatical na rin talaga ako sa mga lalaki. 

 I don't care if the glass is half empty or half full, but there's water at least and I can take sips of it till I find more (water)

HAYS HAYS HAYS

 ayoko na magwork gusto ko nang umalis dito ayoko na magtrabaho gusto ko na lang maging palamon at matulog forever.. i dont want to stay here pero tinatamad akong kumilos para makaalis dito. i'm so tired.

 Ang pangit, kanina pa pala ako umiiyak sa tulog ko. I'm trying to calm myself down now and stop crying. Ang daming mga bagay na, ngayon ko narealize, isinantabi ko lang pala. But that's how it gets easier to take on each day. It hurts to remember how unwanted I've been. Sana nga di na lang ako pinanganak. Wala namang mawawala.

Ang pangit ng panaginip ko. Ayoko nang ishare sa'yo pero ayaw ko ring makalimutan. Ayoko nang magshare sa'yo. Hindi naman kita kilala. At di ko rin gustong malaman kung sino ka. Mas nararamadaman ko lang na ang pabigat ko.

In my dream, my uncle asked bakit di raw ako umalis. Apparently, dun ako nakatira sa kanila (na naman lol) and I asked him kung seryoso ba siyang kinukumpara niya ako sa iba. Eh wala naman akong mauuwian, sabi ko. Sabi ko pa, "Gets ko na pag the more intimate relationships are, the messier they get." But do they really have to be messy? Are relationships really messy or am I just saying that because it's all I've known?

Magmo-mothers day pala ano? Lala ng mommy issues ko wtf. Mas mabigat pa sa daddy issues ko. Hahahahahahahaha burat. 

 Maybe this is it. 

 I think it's better to look into burial stuff for when I die instead of housing. I'm so fucking tired.

Time check 3:03 i should be asleep instead im fucking high 

 Amazed ako kasi 4 days pala akong hindi sumisilip sa main messenger ko (sumisilip ako in case may hanash re: scule & werq)

I don't know if this is a motherforking reach, but if it weren't for this incompetent gov't, maybe my mental health would be in a better state because clinics wouldn't be forced to close for business.

May mga tao talagang mukhang pang-Wong Kar Wai film, ano? Ako mukha akong pang-Philippine comedy, e. Tapos yung tacky kind. Not even Eugene Domingo levels. Or Pokwang. Siguro Vice Ganda quality minus the glitz. Wong Kar Wai film people are beautiful people, I tell you. Ang sarap nilang titigan the whole day. 

Burat.

Life is so shitty. I hate being told na may choice, kasi kung nadadala sa choice lahat, my life won't be as shit. People try, but they can only do so to a certain extent. When the cards you're given are always against you, nakakapagod ding labanan ya know?

I'm so sad. I really don't mind dying.

Nararamdaman kong if mag-work from home setup ako, baka back to where I was na naman ako na super unmotivated. Right now, kumakapit lang ako ma-hit yung daily target at work, hindi ko na kaya magpabibo.

I feel like crap. 

Hope the past few days were better for you.

Thanks for still being around, you. I know this is so self-centered of me to say, but I appreciate you reading my nonsense and repetitive rants.

It doesn't feel like I'm talking to a wall. 

I hope I'm not draining for you. I understand I can be like that.

I feel bad kasi may trainee na nagtry dagdagan productivity niya, kaso mali yung ginawa niya tapos sinabihan ko. Tapos di niya napakinabangan. Tapos ako yung nakinabang, pero pulido naman yung ginawa ko. Pero I still feel bad.

Sana mamatay na lang ako. 

 Hi i ate two of my ✨magic brownies✨ and im fucking pissed kasi pota hindi naman eto sativa (?) POTA inaantok ako pero nilalabanan ko kasi gusto kong manood ng mobie pero pota tulog lang ako ng tulog antukin na nga ako without it susko balak ko pa namang kainin to sa work buti na lang hindi ko ginawa also kakaburat kakaubos ko lang apat na lata ng reno tapos hinaluan ko konting mayonnaise ang baboy pero ang sarap

Ok sana makapanood na ako mobie

Still feelimg like shit,, i domt feel like meeting up with friends,, my head also fuck ng hurts i domt wanma be human

 I feel like shit I can't sleep this shitty feeling is so heavy kinda wanna self harm kinda scared to do it too kinda wanna die kinda holding back

:)) happy payday

Deactivating my facebook is how i pretend ive deleted myself from the world 

Super wanna die pala not kinda haha can't sleep

 I dont wanna wake up from my sleep i feel like i should be hurt parang deserve ko masaktan parang pag sasaktan ako physically, things will be better, clean slate ulit

Feeling ko deserve ko masaktan gusto ko saktan ako ewan ko i feel like shit

I want to delete myself i want to push everyone away i feel like im so bad and im super useless and no good for anyone i wanna die

I have no future i have nothing going for me

I want to die

Im useless im a waste of space i want to die

I wish i could slit my wrists or something but im too scared to do that the only way i know is to overdose but it's never worked and im scared of thr hospital expsnse if it fails again

I know i can just ingest muriatic acid to get it done and over with but im scared too? 

 Sana si Ryan na lang etong consistent kong reader dito. O kaya si Airene o si Joe. Kahit si Lucas pa. Pero wag lang si Romeo. Hahaha. Kahit ex ko pa. O si Samantha. Hayst.

Pagod na pagod ako. Gahhhhhh

How am I this cute and with no one to date, huh???? I wanna get drunk and lie down on the grass or something. I hope the brownies I got make me feel better, even just a little bit. :c 

On a lighter note, I guess there's been progress with how I've been managing myself and my emotions. 

My manager also said this:

Thank god when we talked I was the only one left in the office. Otherwise, it would've been embarrassing because I couldn't hold back my tears then, yucks. Lol. 

I want to be okay. I also have not had a wink of sleep today. I hope I get through the day okay. 

I also realized that the reason why it hasn't stung when this particular someone rejected me is because he doesn't have anyone atm afaik but the thought that it won't and can't be me kind of hurt. Parang kinurot dibdib ko kanina nung na-realize ko 'to. Maybe I can use that and channel it into something productive. Sigh. 

I just want to be good. 

Hi anonymous reader, ikaw na lang date ko? I was talking earlier to someone I knew from ask/fm and I told them I'm content with the intimacy I share with my friends and that there's a quick fix if it's anything sex-related. While the latter part is true—yes, surprise, surprise—it still gets lonely. Like right now. But what can I do, right? I want to stop fucking things up. I want things to please, please, please work out. I know I'm too lazy to work out, but can I have this work out for me? I know I don't need to be with anyone to say I've won in life, but I do not want to be alone, please lang. No. 

Kaya ko naman. Pero it would be really fucking nice to have someone I can run to and just lie down with. 

Yucks talaga, these thoughts, I know. 

Maybe it's the hormones talking. Maybe not. 

Imagine, my standards were never unattainable ever since but shit still doesn't go my way. Sure, I have my share of the blame, but like????????? Please lang. 

I want to be okay. I want to be good. 

Sure na ba akong mag-aaral ako ulit kung matapos ko man 'to? Talaga na ba? Pakshet talaga. 

Hindi na ba ako kamahal-mahal kasi tuwang-tuwa akong sabihin yung word na 'burat'? 

Alam kong di ako lingunin level na type ng babae pero ganun ba talaga sila kadehado? 

Oh my god the fucking yearning. I'll get over this another day and then realize I'm not okay pa for anyone, can't be with anyone yet. Even if the cosmos gives me the best man there is for me, chances are, I'll still fuck it up kasi that's how ill-prepared I am for it. I tend to sabotage them. 

Why can't I just fall in love with a childhood friend or something—that's because I have none? Lol. I moved back and forth often that I couldn't have lasting friendships. Hahahha. Shunga.

Gusto kong ugatin naman sa isang lugar, please lang. 

I also have two more plants now hehe 

Life is shit, I just get quick breaks every now and then to forget that, even for just a little while. 

I feel so fucking sad. Not even Monster drink can make me feel better. 

 Would my younger self like me right now? I don't feel okay. 

My period is delayed, my breasts are sore but they do be looking good doe lol and i feel like crap someone i hooked up w last yr wants to hang out and i dont want to. can we just stay twitter mutuals pls

My breasts do be feeling so sensitive (as in tender not sensitive as in sex thing) huhuhuhu 😢 why why why my period so delayed huhu 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

I want to eat kimchi with everything