Before Sunrise Kalat

Good news!!!! I FINALLY WATCHED BEFORE SUNRISE. I remember this being recommended to me when I was in high school.

Here is a compilation of my thoughts AKA tweets:

• Kalat + stupid tweet, but naisip ko lang how dating is a hassle. If you act like your true self without reservations, it would sting a bit if you can’t be liked for that (at least, in my case) but if u don’t show your true self, then you’re potentially letting someone fall in love with a lie and you'll have to fake it for God knows how long.
• Why am I not a gorgeous French woman who meets a guy on a train who then strikes up a convo with me and asks me to get off at Vienna, just why
• Sometimes your true self also doesn't really want do anything like, "Man I just wanna lie down and browse Twitter, sorry"
• Naisip ko lang din yung sinabi ni Celine na the things we do are only for us to be loved even more... so we're still not being true, but I understand that humans are walking contradictions. So there’s that.
• Buti na lang self-aware naman pala si Jesse about spouting too much pretentious BS for the sake of ~socializing~ or whatever, pero ha! gusto ko kay sa kanya is that just when he makes me think he's a prick, he says/shows something that gets me to think otherwise. It's like being at the edge of a cliff and I’m somewhere in between falling and staying still haha idk
• Ang swabe ng script IMO. Gusto ko ngang basahin yung buong script mismo hahaha. Ang ganda nung sinabi din ni Jesse:

Jesse : I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves.

Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. Y'see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it's made me feel like I'm somebody else.

Some background story:

Iniiwasan ko talaga itong Before Trilogy kasi I initially thought it would be boring, kasi centered nga sa conversations yung movie. Then, for a time, nung sumali ako sa art-oriented na Facebook group some years back, I’d see this on my feed every week and I had that “I’m not like other girls” mentality and all that bullshit. (I’m no longer this person, please forgive me)

More thoughts:

• Eventually, I thought it might be overrated lang, but as it turns out, the movie deserves the hype it gets. I particularly liked that bit in the end where they show the spots where Jesse & Celine hung out but without them, like some montage. It made me think that Europe MAY be overrated but not with the right company. Like, with them, may pull, may magic, kumbaga. Pero sa part na yun—after the sunrise, if you will—nawala yung magic, ang bland na ng bawat place tignan kung tutuusin. It's just another fountain, just another patch of grass, but the movie made it ~A Moment™~ because of Celine and Jesse.

• Additionally, it was an “awwie” moment that Jessie was the one who first mentioned about meeting up again when Celine was about to board the train kaya I cannot conclude totally na he's an asshole. I guess it's the movie's way of showing that assholes deserve to be loved, thus endangering my lovelife again and painting dickheads in another light hahaha (but that’s another story but nothing to be worried about as I am currently manhid) 

• I initially expected Celine to be the sentimental, romantic one but she turned out to be the rational one, which was nice. Bottomline, ganda ng characterization. Layered. A woman can be in search of the true essence of divine femininity  (and in search of it within her) and buy into the whole astrology thing but she does not necessarily fall in love with the next guy who shows intent... On the other side of the fence, a guy being a dick does not automatically translate to heartlessness. I like how this was better portrayed here. Siguro, it was nice to have seen this kasi now it shows me how heavy-handed yung portrayal ng ganitong stereotype sa ibang films/shows. Jesse was basically a lovable asshole whereas Celine was the careful romantic. Ang nice na it wasn’t "Jesse is blue and Celine is red" because in truth, Jesse had many specks of color in him as did Celine. 

CONCLUSION:

ok so dami kong nasabi di ba haha movie was that good.

Tonight, I hate the rain. It reminds me of how blue the sky was where I lived and how everyone's skin seemed to glow under a blue light at 5AM and how I had to wake up before sunrise and be on my way to school between 5-6AM. I remember my classmates and their cute faces and cute jackets and just how it was freezing cold during our early flag ceremonies in Tugbok. I remember the reminders my mom wrote for me on this huge, green Knorr calendar that hung by the window in our living room. It had everything--how many times I should brush my teeth, clean my room, take a bath, cut my nails, etc. I remember that crazy dude we call Loloy, who used to send us off to school. Sometimes, my cousins and I had to fetch him from his house because he drinks a lot then wakes up late.

I remember my classmates mouthing the lyrics to Stickwitu by Pussycat Dolls. I remember that distinct smell of Mahayahay and sometimes, I miss it. This is one of those nights. Nostalgia is a very dangerous thing. It makes you forget the very reason why you chose to forgot. My head hurts.

I'm not sure anymore where I'm going. I don't know if I'm on the right path. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm trying to do. I don't need to hear that it's the same for everyone. I'm sick of the word potential, because there's nothing special about that. As a kid, I was made to believe that I had something, that potential was like this beautiful spark I had in me, but now, I realize I am nothing but mediocrity. Looking back, I feel embarrassed for my stupid, younger self with limited vocabulary when I smiled at my favorite aunt for calling me an underachiever, because I only saw the word achiever and got too blinded by it.

I was, after all, revered when I was young. I was the only one who got enrolled in a fast learner class, I was often in singing competitions, I joined spelling bees and have gone to the city library to compete, I have advanced to the regional press conference at one point in my life. Everyone was frustrated at me whenever I made a mistake because I was said to be the favorite.

But you learn a lot as you grow, ano? You learn that people say things and lie as long as it's to their benefit.

Now, my college classmates are talking about school activities, whereas I'm having a hard time grasping the idea of classrooms and lessons and assignments.

There are so much more, but you don't deserve to be dumped on as much. You're just trying to live your life, as was I...

But I'm fucking tired.

The life I wanted to live was like this: I'd graduate from SPED, finish high school in Bangkal, then go to college in Manila. Then maybe I can be that daughter who shoulders the burden of the family's living expenses. I'd be a dutiful daughter and send money to my relatives.

But no, here's the life I live--a very useless one. There's no one to cook for or go home to, and it is very lonely. I'm used to it, I'm not crying right now, nor do I feel the urge to. Not even to drink. But it is lonely.

I think of my dad, and I do have a reason why I chose to disconnect. But even I'm unsure if that was the right thing to do.

I'll never have that kind of family who'll have my back no matter what. And so tonight, I lie down on the couch, with all the lights off, in my boss's house, and I am lonely and listening to the rain on my own

(Here’s me hoping someone's face will pop up on that door and accompany me tonight.) 

Storytime

Out of boredom and because I don’t think anyone cares to ask, I’ll go and play that game where people pick a number from a list and I answer the corresponding question.

1. Museum date or aquarium date? Why?

I think I’ll go pick an aquarium date instead for the colors. I guess the only time I’ll pick a museum date would be if it’s something interactive. That’ll be fun.

2. Describe your favorite type of weather.

I like the skies best at 5 o’clock in the afternoon, windy and cloudy, not too sunny. I enjoy the rain too.

3. Name a subject/topic you know a lot about.

English, I guess. Wala, in truth. Myself?

4. Do you have any friends or know anyone with the same name as you?

Same first and second given names? Nah.

5. What’s something most people love that you hate?
Matcha

6. Who knows the most about you personally?

Lots of people. Klaire, Tin, Airene, Gianna… etc.

7. If you could create ANY mix-up or mythical animal and have it be brought to life, what would it be?

dog + penguin = donguin?? I’ve recently been thinking about how cute penguins are.

8. Do you think everyone in our lives serves a purpose, or are some people just there?

You find your purpose, but some don’t, that’s why they’re just there.

9. How do you feel about getting your picture taken?

Awkward. I sometimes feel my lips tremble from smiling for the camera, and I’m too embarrassed about how fat I am, but I like those photos where I’m super happy. If anyone can manage to make me look good in a photo, then why the heck not.

10. Any guilty pleasure/s?

Old songs you hear from the radio on a Sunday.

11. What is your favorite Studio Ghibli film and why?

I’ve only seen two. Don’t make me choose between Spirited Away and Howl’s.

12. Do you always make eye contact with people when you’re speaking to them?

If it’s something that’s completely serious, I try to, but if it’s something about my thoughts, I mostly stare at something else, like my feet.

13. Have you ever self-harmed?

Yeah.

14. What’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?

There has been a lot, and I don’t know which one to call the nicest, but I can’t forget being called a ball of sunshine (this was, however, way back 2016). Recently, someone I always tease said she admires how I always stand up for what I believe in, even if it makes me come across to others as bitchy.

15. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach today?

No.

16. Did anyone/anything get on your nerves today?

No, I feel like a floating sandwich lost in space today. Too floaty to feel anything intense.

17. Is there something you currently want, that you can’t have?

An opportunity for a career shift.

18. Who was the last person to make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable?

Myself.

19. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favorite character in it?

I have not finished it yet. Currently viewing “Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay”

Yes, I’m committing a mortal sin for not being able to sit through a movie.

20. What are you known for?

I don’t know.

21. What is something you are skeptical about?

Lots of things.

22.If you have a job, do you prefer morning shifts or evening shifts?

Whatever works.

23. What is something you are most confident about?

Myself, because I know more about myself more than anything else.

How about something you're really insecure about?

Myself, because I know more about myself more than anything else.

24. What do you think in general of girls with short hair? How about guys with long hair?

They’re both cool with me.

25. With films in languages you do not speak, do you prefer a dub or a subtitle?

Subtitles.

26. If you wear makeup, what are your preferred brands?

I don’t use makeup that much, but I using this brown matte shade from Maybelline and then swipe this dark red liquid (matte ulit lol) lipstick (the latter is available in 7-Eleven stores, I forgot what it’s called) I also love that Maybelline ink crayon stuff.

27. What part of a person's body do you usually find the most attractive?

I don’t focus too much in how they look. If you look at all my exes and crushes and former flames, they all look different.

28. What/which music are you currently listening to?

For your perusal: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WZ4jRDL0GeWEEDylKw9he?si=bLauUmHQQ_-vtckPTK65nQ

Heh.

29. Do you find smoking unattractive?

Nah. I don’t care.

30. What was the last thing you looked up on Google?

“brown matte” because I was not sure about the order of the adjectives, lol.

31. What is the 10th picture in your phone gallery?

32. Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color?

I already have!

33. What job would you be terrible at and what job would you be good at?

I wish I knew.

34. Do you think forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something?

No? Idk. Probably. Baka kaya ako nagsu-struggle pa rin kasi hirap pa rin akong magpatawad.

35. What did you think was cool when you were younger?

I don’t remember. Siguro maging mayaman.

36. Is there a place that makes you sad to return to?

Batangas home.

37. What's the best advice anyone has ever given you?

I don’t remember.

38. Have you ever treated someone badly just because someone else treated you badly?

I think so.

39. What's your favorite lyric from your favorite song right now?

I act a damn fool/Baby when you crawl around on me/

40. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away?

Dean saying, “I’ll fuck you if you let me baby” five times.

41. Is it true that if you can't love yourself, you can't love another?

No?

42. What's the most positive thing you could say to yourself right now?

You don’t have to be the best or be amazing. Just do what you want and live on your own terms.

43. What time of the day feels the most magical to you?

It could be any time of the day.

44. Were you a cute baby?

For sure.

45. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for, but never did?

Yeah.

46. What is any creative talent you wish you had?

Arts, dancing, acting. Wish I can play instruments too.

47. Do you think you'd make a good teacher? Why or why not?

I can be.

48. Do you think it's possible to fix a "broken" relationship?

It’s only broken when both parties don’t want to work it out anymore.

49. If you chose to get a tattoo what would it be and where would you want it?

You’ll see.

50. When was the last time you stayed up past midnight and what were you up to?

LOL it’s past 1AM now.

But why do I forget?

Ang hilig kong takutin at sirain sarili kong ulo pag mga ganitong oras. Tuwing natutulala ako sa kisame, hinihintay ko na lang mapatakan ako ng dugo o makakita ng hibla ng buhok o kaya mamalikmatang may nakangiti sa tabi ko.

Natatakot din akong tumingin sa salamin sa gabi kasi baka hindi ako yung makita ko.

Tuwing binubuksan ko yung ilaw, nagmamadali ako kasi baka may kamay akong makapa sa pader. Minsan, gusto kong pumikit o kaya mag-iwas ng tingin pero madalas, mas gusto kong makasigurong wala nga. Wala nga naman talaga.

Nakakatakot makakita sa dilim, pero pipiliin ko bang maging bulag?

Hindi.

And this is the cause of my unease.

Minsan gusto kong magmakaawang mahalin na ako ng kahit sino na lang. Baka sa sobrang lungkot ko, kung multuhin man ako, baka yakapin ko na rin siya.

Nakakalasing ba ang kape? Parang hindi dapat.

I tell my stories because I know I'll forget, and what am I but all these everydays. I'm sorry I passed onto you the burden of remembering even when those memories are my liability.

You're but a cautionary tale lost to the wind, perhaps a fond farewell; a stranger on the subway, disdain in your eyes.

The crowd believes you mean no, but your lips does not seem so. 

Yung sakit sa ulo na dulot mo, para siyang nung high school ako tapos gising ako magdamag kaka-computer, tapos maliligo ako diretso at magbibilad sa araw. Sana tumigil na kayo. Nag-usap na kami ng mahal mo. I'm no angel, but I'm trying to be nice.

Layunin niyo bang paiyakin ako araw-araw.

Tama na, utang na loob. We all just want to move forward.

Luluhod pa ba ako sa asin? Livestream ko ba.

Hindi kakausapin, ayaw akong tantanan. Aawayin, hindi matatakot. Nung huli naman tayong nag-usap, wala namang bahid ng pangangaway yun ah. Naglabas lang ako ng  hinanakit.  Hindi ko rin binago yung naratibo para ipalabas na anghel ako at sobrang naapi.

Hihingi ng tawad, may halo pa ring panunumbat. Tama na. If you're sorry, then just say you're sorry and go. Once is enough. I don't wish anyone death, but I don't need the unnecessary details. I don't care if you could've messaged sooner because either way, it's unwanted.

People are just trying to move on. Never kang dumapo sa isip ko ngayong araw na 'to, but here you are. Don't you have better things to do?

Ano bang gusto niyo, is it your plan to drive me to kill myself? Kasi hindi ko na kinakaya teh. When that Twt mess happened, I was going through our text exchange during that last time I overdosed that's why it really wasn't a good time. Of course, I won't go around parading that

But here we are. I'm dumping these here kasi I don't want to tell you. Longer messages lead to longer conversations.

And I just need to get this out.

New normal

If we were made of water, then maybe I’ll be in a much, much better place because then, I’ll be able to take a hit and move past everything that tries to pierce through me, through us. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about you going because I know that even across rivers and oceans, I’ll always find you.

How many times can a heart go back when your eyes aren't there anymore to guide the path home? Or was your warmth ever home?

How can a common experience still cause this much pain? You think you’d be exempt because you've exposed yourself to it more times than you want or because you've always entertained the idea of it happening, but when it's finally there, wow. Or did I jinx it when I thought too much of it?

I’m just rambling. Anyway, for the fun stuff (which may still not be fun…)

What would be my new normal, I was asked, and to be honest, I can't visualize it. I can't put together even just a vague picture. How disappointing that must be, coming from someone who is expected to be eloquent. Lol.

But let me try to throw in a bunch of colors, in hopes that they eventually come together and be something—would the new normal be bloody red? Or grim and pitch black?

White, maybe? Guess I’m rambling even more, but of all colors, white would have to be the scariest one for me.

With white, I imagine being in a spot where I’m surrounded by a blinding light and no matter which way I look, there’s only this vastness, a space seemingly without end, where (I hope) I can freely wander around. Or I could just be unknowingly trapped in the confines of four white walls. I’ll never know. I’m not sure if I ever want to figure it out.

I mean, how far can my ideals take me? Will it even take me, us anywhere? Do we just die trying? Should we just be content with having something to stand for?

What would be our new normal?

Here I am, awake now for six hours from six hours of sleep, listening to myself breathe and crying while I'm at it. I close my eyes every other minute or two as I try to focus on my breathing. You're not getting a story out of this. My eyes are just tired, and they want to stay closed. For how long, I don't know...

I've been thinking of doing productive things--maybe take a bath or watch "Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay" or read Capital vol. 1., but it's difficult to keep at it.

Should I limit my interactions with people and get off the internet so I can be more productive? I am not sure. I feel alone.

I'm afraid I might feel my consciousness floating away, and leaving my person. Right now, I only have my stupid Spotify playlists keeping me grounded and sane. I've seen a lot today, and I can't help but cry intermittently. I am drained, and not even caffeine can help lift my spirit.

Ibang lutang yata ang mangyayari ngayon.

[Source: https:/www.twitter.com/grosshuman/status/1245662699142279168]

And I said, "Baka yung pagkakahiwa lang ng karne sa Reyes Barbecue yung iniyakan ko o kaya kasi may mga pinapatay para lang makakain ako ng bulalo." Those were true stories.

Truth is, I know full well why I cried.

Not gonna lie, I miss the water gun fights in hotel rooms and dancing in the living room with my feet on your toes but I dont miss you blacking out and pretending to have another personality while talking in a British accent.

Or the cheating either.

I miss riding shopping carts in supermarkets and browsing through items, pretending to build a home with you, and the weird impromptus at the most unexpected of times and the plastic toy swordfighting and you trying to catch a non-blurry photo of me because you know how embarrassed I get with having my pics taken and the late night strolls and I miss being hugged and feeling your warmth when I cry and I miss hugging you.

[It's getting worse, oops.]


We were fucking happy. Or at least I thought we were.

Because I was.

Despite the overwhelming misery, there was some sort of comfort in knowing I had you just as much as you have me.

And that is why I cry. 

I'm in the office right now and things are fucked up and messy right now. I don't know what's going on but it feels like I'm losing my grip on myself. It felt like hihiwalay na yung kaluluwa ko sa sa katawan ko kanina at ngayon, it felt like I was floating. I cannot function. I'm just typing this in between episodes. I went to the restroom to get a hold of myself then went back to work but it happened in between calls. I don't know what's happening. I don't even feel like crying. I don't know what emotion this is. Or if this is just vertigo. For a moment, parang lumulutang ako, parang slowly lumulutang na ako palayo sa desk ko, sa katawan ko, sa screen ko, tapos tinitignan ko yung kamay kong nanginginig tapos tinitignan ko yung screen ko tsaka yung trabahong dapat kong tapusin tapos wala.

Wala akong maramdamang sense of urgency. Wala akong maramdaman.

Tapos nakatitig lang ako dun sa tupperware na may nakasulat na pangalan ko, tinutukan ko yung handwriting ng pangalan ko tapos parang papalayo na ako sa pangalan ko. Para akong lumalayo sa lahat.

I check my pulse and it feels like my heart is also beating fast but it's not. Naririnig ko lang yung tibok niya.

Para akong masusuka, parang gusto kong masuka. Parang gusto ko na lang mapikit.

I know this should not happen, and that something might be wrong, pero idk, idk. I don't understand

No one talks about how the first date after a breakup is painful.

The guy and I never even discussed where exactly we'll meet up. That was one red flag. Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I'll probably be ghosted. I'm not surprised; I'm not pretty or hot or substantial enough.

"I feel like shit. I think I'll just walk home for a bit and then go home in a few," I told him on Messenger. I spent more than an hour of travel to his province, and god, I wish I stayed true to my word and ditched him. Instead, I bought gin bilog and mixed it with apple juice. The guy even wanted me to go to where he is, to think I already went all the way to Lucena from Alabang.

I went there expecting to hang out with a new friend. I've always been game to go out of my way for friends, so that wasn't anything special, but god, iba yung nagagawa ng alak at lungkot, ano?

Red flag # 2: he'd never say anything about himself. The sob stories, okay lang. I have a guy friend I've gotten drunk with on multiple occasions and never made out with, and although he hasn't shared some of his stories to me, I still know enough about him that I can safely assume that we really are friends. But this guy? Some stories, he'd lie about. I don't know anymore what's true or not.

But there were good moments.

It was nice making out in the sea, I didn't have to feel insecure about my weight there. It was nice to cuddle in the sand, but it was messy. It was shitty to cry in the middle of the night, but it was nice to be cuddled afterwards. The biting was cool, so was the slight choking. I didn't know I'd like that.

It wasn't nice when he just couldn't wait to split up the morning after. I would've understood though. I really just wasn't expecting a hookup, so hindi ko na-orient sarili ko kung anong dapat kong gawin. I even asked to eat breakfast with him, because I was hungry at the time.

Then he says, "This is going to be a bad day." He continues bitching about the sand getting everywhere. I started doubting myself. I get it, I'm fat, pero was I that horrible the night before? Siguro. Idk. I don't want to know. It wasn't the best sex din naman. I'll be better.

Siguro masyado lang akong sensitive. God, last time I hooked up with guys I had no plans of being serious with was 2017? Lol puta. Fucking three years ago. Pero I was being self-destructive then. Ah, narealize kong medyo BS nga 'tong lalaking 'to.

Mag-Cebu daw kami. Easy for you to just quit everything with your Tommy Hilfiger shirt and Coach bag. He's not too far from my ex. I regret giving him my email address so we can talk while I'm at work. I only did that kasi na-bother ako nung nag-message siya na parang nalungkot siya or something. Ako tuloy nagmukhang masyadong may pakialam.

Okay lang. I just wish I can remove him from my Messenger contacts.

I should not get too close again with anyone.

Crowds

I still look for your warmth at some point in the day. Will I have to go through the crowd and stupidly search for you in every stranger's face?

That just won't do.

It's the first Monday since the last time I saw him, and as I wrap up and get ready to go home, I realize I'll have no one to routinely send OOTDs or bathroom selfies to. I'll have to break routine, just when I was getting comfortable with the idea of routine and constants.

Everything's still the same; it's still difficult to sleep before noon and I still mindlessly browse the Internet to tire my eyes. An attempt to fill the void, really. Most days though I just lay wide awake. Next thing I know, it's already 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I only have four hours left to sleep before I have to report for work again. It's the last week of January, and my skin is starting to break out. I suppose it's probably because my period will be starting next week. There'll be no one to tell me I'm still acceptable--beautiful, even--in case a zit grows on my face. Not that I'm in dire need of external validation. I've always brushed it off, but it never hurt to have someone else appreciate my existence. Because there are moments it gets difficult to do it alone. I can only hope right this moment that I'll cope better when that day comes. Or nights. It mostly happens when it's dark in my room and I'm alone.

There's even no more reason to get into Pokémon Go again, though that won't take away my love for walking. There's one good thing, I guess. If not for the ashfall, maybe I'd have walked home today. Maybe I'll bring a mask tomorrow and try.

Part of the aftermath is this hyper-awareness of my surroundings because the bubble I once was in has burst. Now I'm reminded of what I don't have anymore when I see a woman give her partner a peck on the lips as thank-you for taking her to work today. Then he smiles at her as he rushes off on his motorcycle. 

I don't know anymore. Things are still a little difficult to accept. They say it gets easier to hate the person, but I can't find it in me to hate someone I once loved the most. Maybe right now he still has my heart. Maybe right now he's still the one I've loved the most aside from myself. The idea of him and love still breaks me, but I can't cry in South Station right now. Crazy, but for a second or two, I wished he hugged and kissed me to try to apologize. I wished he screamed, "Surprise!" and handed me a bouquet of random flowers. Anything grand. Anything else but this.

Should I have breakfast or maybe skip it to lose weight? Should I grow out my bangs and try a new look? But side swept isn't anything new to me, as I've had that haircut since I was a kid. What for, anyway? Pretending to get into something new doesn't change anything. It'll just be a distraction, and all these will come back when things start to quiet down and I'm alone with my thoughts, as if they never left.

I do feel like a floating sandwich on outer space, out of place and completely useless, an odd sight. He said he was going to be the panini and meet me halfway. Now that that panini's gone, and I'm back to listlessly roaming this vastness on my own.

I still can't bring myself to hate him, and maybe I never will. What he did was infuriating, but that emotion isn't something I carry in my heart. That anger I feel is mostly a fleeting feeling that is then overcome by loneliness and hurt. My stupid mind still wishes things didn't turn out like this. My stupid mind still feels this pang of hurt when I see him trying to work things out with the other girl, because he never did that with me. I guess he got too tired of us, and that's okay. At the end of the day, his affection only stems from his fear of being alone and having no one else but himself. But even trying to drill that in my head doesn't take away the heaviness in my chest.

It hurts all the same.

Russel,

I don’t want to see the day when you two will be happy, my love living his best life, because it pains me to think that that one heck of a guy isn’t with me… And I wanted to be with that person. I’ve loved you in all your imperfections and all that you are and all that you are not. Now you have a future to build with Paula, and… You will never comprehend the depth of my love for you. You had to follow the script; you had to follow the wrong script…

It was in the tiniest things, then they all towered and manifested into something greater than Thanos’s glove, and it hurt when I got slapped by it in the face. It was in the inconsistencies in your story—how you told me James Reid’s “Cool Down” was shitty because it gave off fuckboy/softboi vibes, then I hear from Paula that you told her it sounds cool. It hurts that your mom knew about her more than me, and the way you wanted me to meet your mom? I was not too keen on meeting anyone’s parents, but you said you wanted me to, so I said I’ll think about it and then I’ll tell you. You wanted to pretend I was going to be in the same place as you guys by accident, and then you’d say, “Motha, what a surprise.” And that we broke up in September? Weren’t we just pretending to be Instagram baddies on November 30? Didn’t you just say you missed me while I was away in Baguio? Weren’t you just crying in my arms when we snuck in your cousin’s room that first weekend of January this year?

Going through our entire exchange and then realizing that you’ve been lying all this time hurts, but I’m too at a loss to even get mad at you. You may probably not understand how you’ve hurt me because, really, you’re okay. I never saw a hint of remorse in your eyes the last time we talked. Besides, you were the one who snagged another girl to inflate your ego. Your friends say you were happiest with me, but if you were, then how come I got cheated on? I’m sorry I’m not enough for you, but I know I never failed to remind you to break up with me if you don’t want me anymore. I know I’m not a perfect girlfriend; it was a challenge to open up, to start a relationship and remain in one. Sex was almost out of the equation for me, too. I’m sorry I’m not changing that for you, but you could have just told me that maybe it was already too much.

It would have been easier to forgive the sex. You might have only gotten drunk with the other frat guys. You might have only gotten cornered into fucking someone. Maybe I’d care less had you done it after we fought and I told you to go fuck someone else. Yeah, maybe that would’ve been easier to forgive. But I asked if I could take that back and you said yes, that there was no one else, and that there won’t be because that’s downright stupid if you did that. It stings how she was every bit your girlfriend as much as I was. She knows you like the back of her hand as much as I do (with mine). There was nothing set aside for me that I could call my own, or ours; not even one story, or a single inch of skin in your body that only I could touch.

You lied through your teeth and assured me that you were committed in this relationship, and despite everything that was happening last December, I wanted to push on and keep this alive, because that was commitment, right? You don’t give up just like that and you try to work it out. I told you I was starting to lose interest in everything, including the relationship, but I held on, because I was willing to take it as one of our down days. No relationship is perfect, right? You shouldn’t have wasted my time, because now, all I think about is how you were out there fucking someone else, and I’m sure it was hella good (hell yeah, you’d say). You must have been satisfied with all those times she showed you herself and I couldn’t. It must have been worth every apology and lie when you jacked off on the image of her body, telling me how you were sorry that you’ve been sleeping a lot, because I’ll never be that girl for you, anyway. Because I can never give you that. I was thinking of you, and there you were fucking her over and over. I was making plans for Valentine’s, worrying if I could make it on time, and you were fucking someone else. God, you were fucking someone else… And you said you weren’t. That’s all I could think of right now, that you were fucking someone else, and how it was easy for you to do this to me. You were fucking her, and you were fucking enjoying it, and that’s fucking hard to get out of my head.

This feels like writing to the wind, because I know that even if you come across this, my words will only go in one ear and out on the other. You don’t give a rat’s ass about me. Maybe you never really did. You’re just sad you’re on house arrest now. You’re only guilty, because people say that you did us dirty, but you can’t realize the gravity of what you’ve done on your own accord. Now, I’ll just be one of those crazy exes in your sob stories, and I gave you what I could even when I don’t have much.

I was nothing but a feeble attempt to fill the void in you.

And I loved you goddamned well, in all the mess and shit that I am.