Gets ko na hahahaha I love Matt and we're ok but like katulad ngayon, iniisip nyang manood sa sinehan mag-isa and I'm all for that too but I wish maisip nya ding manood "kami". Ganun. I want to do those things too. Pero eh. Napapaisip lang ako kasi may nag-aaya sa aking mag-Mt. Pulag. Originally, mga bandang Komiket dapat sya kaso for some reason, yung sched ng akyat, malapit na sa birthday ko. I want to spend that with Matt din, kaso mukhang wala naman kaming balak. Busy din naman siya sa work ata nun. Hindi ko rin siya maaya sa Komiket kasi ewan. Ayokong nang ayain si Matt hahaha. Siguro yung mga ganyang ganap pang birthday nya lang. I mean gumagastos na lang din naman kami kasi. Ni ayaw nya akong samahan sa SM magpagawa ng salamin para makalabas man lang. Ayaw niya maglakad sa labas onti para mangukay. Like there are things to do, there can be places to explore. We don't have to spend so much, wherever is always quality time naman with him, don't get me wrong. Masaya din naman ako pag nasa loob kami. Pero la lang. Like ano yun, di naman nya ata ako kinakahiya. Alam ko namang hindi. Pero yung ganitong kilos kasi, pang ganung galawan kasi yun. 

Siguro kasi buong buhay ko nagkukulong ako kaya gusto ko sanang lumabas with someone I want to. Hindi ako galit or upset at all. Napapaisip lang. Siguro, sana hindi na lang sana siya ever nagsabi nung mga "gagawin namin 'to, gagawin naman 'yan" kasi nag-expect at na-excite tuloy akong game siya. Nag-aya pa siya dating mag-Baywalk. May pag-build up pa siyang mahilig siyang maglakad. O tuturuan nya akong magbike. 

I'm sure I can do it alone, pero andyan kasi siya eh? I've been doing things alone for a long time now, it would be nice to have the company of someone I love during? Those things aren't even new experiences, but they're new because of him. There'll be new jokes to share, new flops to laugh at, ganun.

We're gonna sleep, we'll have sex, we're going to enjoy, we're going to eat, watch a movie, talk about the movie, maybe make jokes about the movie, we're gonna lie down for a bit and listen to nice songs, it's going to be comfortable, he's gonna go. I might send him off. And that's it till the next one.

I can't say I'm bored because I'm not but I really just want to do something different. I don't want to be bored. 

I mean, he can say bakit di ako magsabi if may plano ako. Lagi naman nyang ayaw. We've never had drinks together. Ang dami pa naming di nagagawa together. Eh. Idk. I can't say it's incompatibility kasi I love Matt I love his mind. I love his person. I love his body. I love his skin. I love his nose. I love his voice. I love his honesty. I love his patience. 

It's really him or no one else. It's more of like I'm just his stuffed toy. 

I mean like fuck, I miss nung PG-13 stuff nya ako in public? I mean it's not solely or mostly the main reason but ugh this isn't weird right

Sana may ma-submit akong poem by Monday. 

Hindi ko gets yung computation ni Matthew dito haha huhu info overload ako. I'm just in love. 

 Kinilig at natawa naman ako dito 

Do you really exist or am I just insane?

He's probably mad. Idek why. I was thinking of him. Ang unfair nitong "he fell first, she fell harder" shit. 

I'm thinking all sort of thoughts like leaving my phone behind when I head to work. Will I survive? 

Idk if he's mad. 

I still feel sick. Man.

Where's the affection. Funny how he says he's a romantic, but can't be like that for his girlfriend. 

Gets ko namang may ebb and flow ang relationships, I'm just tired of wondering if I'm really loved or just tolerated. He can't even say outright if he still wants to be with me or not. When I asked last time, I still had to fill in the blanks myself. He kept pushing the burden of answering to me.

I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself on somebody. I never had to, kaya nga I even left the people I'm related to by blood. Why am I being made to feel this way again... 

I get that I'm insecure and very much so, but I always feel like I'll never live up to the other people he used to love. I'll never be whatever adjective enough, and he's just too casual and doesn't care so much. He can just lose me and not bat an eye. 

I feel like we're just here because I'm the convenient choice. I'll see in a few days if this goes on.

Tomorrow, as in once the clock strikes twelve, would be a year from the day he first asked me out, I just realized. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking too, because I have the time now. 

Okay, you're fast.

I don't care anymore whether you get to read the whole thing or not. 

Here's a song.

And another one. 

Do you really exist or am I just insane? 

I smell like a sick person. 

But you know, I keep thinking about when he said he doesn't like the feeling pag di niya raw nagagawa yung gusto ko. Is that his way of saying he loves me? I don't like the idea na he feels awful, that's driving me nuts din. Ewan ko kung may magandang dulot pa ba ako sa buhay nya. I was lusting after him the entire half of my day yesterday. 

I'll just give him space. I feel like I'm just being a burden. That's what he wants anyway. It's always easy for him to drop me until I can't take it and then spiral, instead of just telling me whether it's because of me or not, even without the specifics. 

Pakiramdam ko, nag-iipon na naman siya ng hinanakit at resentment imbes na pera. 

I'm even worried baka nagbabasa siya dito. I mean, I thought this is where I can dump my unprocessed thoughts? Weren't we supposed to be okay? 

I still see him as worth it. I'm not sure he still feels the same way about me. Maybe this will pass. Maybe this isn't something to take personally. I'll just take it until I can't. Eye-opening din naman yung sinabi niya about letting things go. He needs to lessen that, while I need to learn more of it. 

Okay, so hindi daw ako. 

 Okay last one. It's me. Pinoproject ko kawalan ko ng hobby sa kanya. I mean, yeah, I won't complain if he does anything special. But right now we're okay. Honestly, I should really be okay with this kasi this is what relationships really are on the regular. Hindi laging may mangyayaring special. We talked and he even picked me over the friends he was gonna play with, that means A LOT. I really just wanted his company din. So yeah. I wish makuha ko yung nabanggit ko sa kanya. Ang bilis mo ulit magbasa? 

I still feel sick I keep throwing up.

I'll just keep writing here. Imagine if I told him this immediately? It would've started another fight again that I could've gotten over with on my own

Okay na sinusumpong nga lang ako. Naghahanap na lang ako kasama sa komiket. Or baka secret other plan if keri. Bat ang bilis mo magbasa Im forced to start a new post tuloy emi 

I wonder from time to time tho if my boyfriend would do anything special for me. I should get this off my head kasi I shouldn't expect. He's okay naman eh. But idk. 

Can't hang out and go out and do fun things with anyone. I feel sad. So I waste it all away on food. And whatever. I want to see other people, not the people I see on the daily. I love them too, but ?????

I can't seem to find people to do new and fun things with. What a lonely life. Boyfriend even suggests plans to others that he otherwise wouldn't do with me. I was thinking it felt like I'm just a stuffed toy he hugs when he's in bed or chilling at home, not an entire person to exist with. Okay naman na sana, we had already agreed na there's nothing wrong with staying in. I guess it just sucks na that's all we ever do, and he used to say all the things we could do and try, and we never do it anyway. I get naman though na nakakapagod yung commute palang papunta dito, so di ko alam ano fix. Ako rin naman galing work lol.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten used to things outside of solitude. 

Baka sinusumpong lang din ako. Sana lumipas na 'to. 

I'm also sick. I feel worse. I've had cough syrup but I still don't feel sleepy. I just wish to doze off until it's another day again. I wish for the year to end already. It's tempting to down the whole bottle, honestly. I just don't want to be this wide awake right now.

I'm close to reaching 666 posts.

I'm thinking of deleting all my social media accounts. I don't feel like it would matter anyway. 

 Na-appreciate ko yung pagna-nag ni Andeng sa akin na magpayong ako kasi baka mabinat ako at pati yung pag-offer ni Loys ng wet wipes kasi pawis na pawis daw ako.

Pagod na ako, hays. Pwede pa ba akong mag-rant dito? 

I feel weird. 

 Unconditional love, huh. 

It's been one heartbreaking thing after another. I think I have to let go of Bebu for good this time.

Parang nagsisisi akong di ko masusunod si Aj muna. Sana nakinig muna ako sa kanya bago ako nangratrat at naghanap. May kukuha na kasi kay Bebu sa Sabado. Nahihiya akong umatras na. Tsaka totoo naman, hanggang kailan pa ganito? Lagi silang magbabanta? Baka ako ang mawalan ng matitirhan nito. 

Ayoko lang talagang mangayayat ng sobra si Bebu. Sana yung kukupkop, habaan din pasensya nya. I love this dog so much and wouldn't give her up if housing isn't an issue.

It's heartwarming how she shared she had to say I'm her daughter. It feels nice. 

Nakita ko ring di ko pala pwede iwanan si Bebu sa tatay ko kasi, 2nd heartbreaking thing, eto na itsura ng bahay sa Batangas—

Bahay nga, inabandona, aso pa kaya. Hindi ako kumpyansa. Pero in a way, mainam na ring I was led to look for my father's info because, 3rd heartbreaking thing, he doesn't look that well. Here's a pic from a few days ago based on a mini-investigation.

Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko.

All my life, I was reminded again and again of how relationships are fleeting, even the ones you'd expect to stick. I feel like an anomaly, like may kulang o mali sa akin. I'm about to lose my dog, the only other living being that's my constant.

My mom still hasn't spoken to me, and has probably decided to disown me too, and idk what to do about my dad. I don't know which is better, losing your peace or carrying the guilt of abandoning someone very important. There doesn't seem to be a way to win at all. 

I just want a place where I can rest easy and grow my roots, but I can't seem to have that in this life. Reyn said this is the life where all I have to do is just heal. I think of my dad and I'm back to disliking myself. 

I just want a home, you know? I just want someplace that I know will always be there for me no matter what. I feel like I always have to carry my own weight in this life, like I always need to be ready to leave anytime because there's no place I can stay. I can't reminisce on my childhood, because there's not much to look back on. My memories are fuzzy, and any physical reminder of it wasn't handled with care by the people who I thought would.

I could die and be gone in this world, and leave no significant trace that I ever existed. 

I don't want different. I just want a quiet, boring life, with boring, stereotypical drama. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I can't be walking on eggshells my entire life. 

Sucks not to have a family. 

I hate my landlord. 

And sana hindi maging hesitant si Matt mag-vent sa akin. Di naman ako nahatak ng problema nya. I'm all for hearing thoughts other than my own. Keeps me from spiralling din. 

I wish I didn't have to give Bebu up. Matt's even open to getting used to her already. 

My current faves:

One

Two

Three

Four

 I feel so lonely.

And so is everyone else. I just want to be okay again please. 

Dahil ang bilis mong magbasa dear viewer gagawin kong bagong post na lang kasi papansin ako. Na-realize kong ang deserve ko pala eh yung simp para sa akin. Hindi naman bobo na walang utak bc ew, but just someone who adores me and makes it felt and known. I like corny. I like cheesy. Why can't we act dumb with and for our significant others, right... pero yung may respeto pa rin sa boundaries ok my gosh

Ayun lang naman. 

Eto ang current favorite ko hehe I'm sorry I know it's been a while. Thanks for still dropping by. 

Nakakamiss na may nilalandi. Nakakalandi mood kasi yang kantang yan for me. Gusto ko lang mag slow dancing kahit na di ako marunong sumayaw or may kadikit lang basically tapos ramdam ko lang siya sa tabi ko. Wala akong finafantasize na tao na may maganitong moment, jowa ko lang minsan kaso di ko malandi jowa ko for some reason, not because I don't want to. Parang naging komportable na lang kami sa isa't isa. I know may maganda at pangit sa ganyan. Okay lang naman siya for me right now. Bago lang din naman yung feeling na ganito, kasi it's not like I've had long relationships. I've always been quick to drop out of relationships at the slightest hint of a lull, so this is foreign. Believe me. I'm seeing how it's not a bad thing, okay?

I just wish for those moments pa rin every once in a while. Pero di naman like yearning ko talaga siya. Okay naman ako right now. Di naman mabigat puso ko dahil diyan or malungkot ba, promise. Kalma lang ako. 

Tama rin nga si Matt sa lagi nyang sinasabing wag problemahin yung mga hindi pa problema. Kailangan ko rin 'tong itatak sa kokote ko. Galing galing ng utak ko mag-isip eh.

Sana mag-work out lahat for the best. Gusto ko lang gumaan pakiramdam ko kahit konti please. Ang hirap magdusa. Ang hirap maging mahirap, grabe. 

What a day

Nagstart na talaga yung araw na weird. Ang lamog ng utak ko for some reason. Jhoanna and I had a misunderstanding, but we both realized later on na she's not at her best today and so was I. Tapos today na rin inannounce kung sinong napiling maging manager sa kanilang dalawa ni Andrea and ang hirap kasi you can't be fully happy for a friend without rubbing it in the other one's face.

Hindi ko alam kung may dadatnan ba akong message na galit or pikpn si Matt paggising ko. Either way, bahala na. Ganun talaga eh. 

Pagod na ako sa buhay ko. I want to do something to feel alive.