Alam mo ba, binabasa ko pa lang yung sinasabi ni Ryan about line producing, parang matatae ako nang paulit-ulit? Lol. I recently had someone do a tarot reading for me and here's what they said,

May gusto pa akong sabihin pero tinatamad ako magtype sa cp Maya na

I know I've already said it before, but honestly, I think I'm pretty pragmatic, pero I couldn't help but think that if soulmates were true, it felt like he was mine.

I remember him telling me to avoid listening through my earphones while my phone is charging. Lol. Maybe I could have him remind me again, even though I never really forgot. Pero joke. Like I said, I'm pretty sensible naman. Di ako kumakapit sa wishful thinking.

I didn't even ask for much. But maybe my normal was too much for the world. I'm sorry. 

Also, dark joke I guess and totally unrelated to the text above but I can't even kill myself because my room is a mess haha things need to be a little neat when I do that but I don't have the energy to clean up yet lol

I feel like a hollow shell right now.

I've been telling my peers to not be too hard on themselves, to take it easy because the pandemic has caused a huge pause in our lives. But my life has been on hold for so long already. I don't know what to make of myself anymore.

I still don't think I'm headed anywhere. I don't want to see that happen. And I'm tired of making sure it doesn't. Have I taken the steps to do just that? No. Can I even carry the emotional weight of getting through the year? I'm not sure. The most I can bear is one day at a time. 

I hate being told there isn't anything to talk about with me. I hate that I've turned out this way. I hate how I can only react. Lol. Tired of typing good night see u sorry for dumping God bless if you believe in one

Edit: hi I feel better now. Tomorrow ulit yes? Lol

 Earlier in the jeepney, while I was on my home, I thought of just giving in to singlehood. Like, okay, I'll take one for the team. That's where it seems I'm being pushed to anyway. In all aspects, I don't really have go-to people--be it with mere friendships. I only have shallow relationships. I can live alone. That's what I've been doing, isn't it. But it seems like circumstances are pushing me to living in isolation. Lol. Well, so be it. I'm tired. I've been thinking that it seems I'm nothing but just another hole to shove some guy's meat in and that I'm really not good for anything but shallow things and that I'm nothing worth more than a stopover before the actual good thing. 

Alright then. You win. I hope you're happy. You better be. 

I no longer see whatever silver lining I thought there was in my current job, and the only thing keeping me from leaving is that I don't want to go to yet another call center once after this. I've been wanting to look up the job that Ryan suggested, but I don't even remember what it's called exactly, and I don't think I can open our chatbox and scroll through our messages. I can't. How I feel about our chatbox is the same as how I feel about Tinder. Or birthdays and holidays. It gives me nothing but dread. I can't afford to backtrack on it. Not yet, at least. The mere thought of it hurts, okay? Lol. 

But right now, I feel numb. And tired. Mostly, numb. 

I'm in the office right now, and this new trainee is doing a rollcall of everyone's order for Jollibee. I don't even feel like eating. 

I don't feel like working, but I'm not even sleepy. Tonight feels like a fever dream. All my years don't seem real. 

I hope I hear from you, but I'm sure I won't. How are you anyway? What are your thoughts on Care Bears and chicken wings? I love chicken wings. Do you?

The moon looks bigger without my glasses.

 I think I need a clear visual or an infographic, if you will, about Ingmar Bergman's lovelife. Like nakakalito. Hahaha 

 Someone from the office asked me to hang out with them but I refused them. This other friend kept asking me about Ryan because she had nothing else to talk to me about. I don't blame her. Ganun na nga ata ako kawalang personality. I bailed on them and changed my mind at the last minute. She said it herself—there isn't anything we can talk about. Why would I make myself go through such an ordeal lol. It'll be cool to get free eyelash extensions haha (they said they're paying for me) but free stuff like that makes me feel like a charity case, and that there'll be a catch somewhere. It's so random it feels uncomfortable lol. Plus it wasn't really intended for me to begin with. I was just like a second choice lol I don't like that

I feel like refusing everyone and avoid everyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want them to leave me alone tbh. Or more like I wish I could be alone. 

 I can't believe I'm still talking about you; I'm the last of your old things.

Misquoted for my benefit. Lol. It sucks being alone.

I think my mental state right now is a mess. My room is always its best depiction and right now, it's messy. Lol. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't know what to do. There isn't anywhere to go. There isn't anything to do. Do I still have friends? Maybe. I don't think I can reach out to any of them. 

Why am I this alone.

I don't feel okay. I feel like shit. What is the end game? I wish I had something to live for.

When people say they want to die, I wonder if they need to be consoled or if they really want to?

I imagined myself walking in the middle of a super highway, waiting for a truck to hit me, with a note in my pocket asking whoever finds my body to just dump it somewhere and to not hold the driver liable. 

Maybe I should read. 

It'll be my birthday in a week or two, and it'll be a reminder of how no one really remembers me and how alone I am. Lol. This is why I constantly deactivated because I can pretend people just don't have any way to reach me instead of accepting that no one remembers. No one talks to me. I talk to them. I go to them. No one really wants me. I feel so alone. I reach out to them. Damn. Maybe I should just read. I wish I could be like when I was kid and just hide behind books, but I don't feel like reading anymore.

I'm sorry. Para akong nangkukwenta. I can't expand on my thoughts any further. It'll just show how bad I really am and be taken against me lol

I'll just watch Corpse Bride

 Called it. Barely got any sleep the day of my previous post. 

Had a convo with a workmate, below:

This got me thinking na I only know how to move forward by the day, but I don't really have a big picture to look at, alam mo yun? Like, I know enough to get through the day, but all my days lead to nowhere. I don't know if this makes sense. 

I'm positive I won't be jobless (if I'm not dead yet), but I don't know where to go. I've been thinking about Ryan's recommendation that I look into I-forgot-what-it's-called job, but that would have me nagging at people, and putting things into order, and can I really do that? I'm really a mess and messy. Seriously! This isn't me being a pessimist or something. Lol. 

Now that I think of it, I shouldn't think if a job would or wouldn't suit me because I don't want my person to be defined by what I do to pay the bills. My job is not my identity. So if I'll get paid to organize things, then I guess I'm up for the job. Or at least I should be. I remember what a co-worker said just yesterday about workload being an upskill and not a talent, which means it can be learned. And people say that saying someone is talented discredits the hardwork people put into what they do. 

On the other hand, this line of thinking means everything can be in our hands and in our control, and the way things are going for me, I don't think this is the case. 

Ang party-pooper ko talaga, ano? Lol. Hey, thanks for sticking. 

It's been my thing lately to hang around the front of our office alone. Here's me fresh from the claws of capitalism:

 Ang unfair. Bakit ganito lang ako kadaling iwan. Lol. I've come to terms with the idea that life might not get any better than this, and this might probably sound defeatist, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much again.

I was speaking to a workmate outside the office, we hung out. It was actually supposed to be my me time, but I asked her to come with me since we were just right across the mall and right in the midst of traffic anyway. It would've been awkward to just leave her alone in the jeep. 

While we were eating, she said, "Ano pa kayang pwedeng pag-usapan?" And I realized I'm a hollow shell. Other than that, I don't see anything else I can talk about with anyone at work. I miss Jea. I miss Ryan. There's no one else I can talk to about other stuff but them.

That workmate and I ended up ranting about work from the mall till I got off the jeepney on our way home–it was the only thing we could talk about.

I miss Ryan. He was my favorite person. He was the best. Now, there is no best. That spot's just left blank until he comes back and takes his space again. If he ever does. If he even does. It feels like he's not in my life anymore. 

I'm rationalizing how I feel about things, because it's easier to cope that way. If I don't, it'll all just flow. And now I can't even say I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I know I have strong tendencies to talk too much and talk over people. And I'm trying to overcome that, really. And I'm trying not to be the friend people need to adjust to. Because I can also adjust. But I miss him. 

I hope he comes back. But there's always the possibility he never will. And that's totally fine. And I normally am a pessimist about things. But I'm hopeful on this.

What's sad about people who aren't in your life anymore is when you still have so much to give to them that it overflows, but they're not around to take it from you anymore, so now you're stuck with things you can't even claim anymore as yours because it has their name on it. In blaring red. And it's easy to say I can just give it to myself–self-care as kids say these days–but this isn't for myself. I don't need this. I have enough. It's easy to think that I can give it elsewhere, to someone else, maybe... But would it feel nice giving away secondhand goods to someone who wouldn't really be able to make good use of it? It's not a sincere gift.

 What puzzles me though is if I have this much to give, then why do I feel like an empty shell?

 For someone talkative, I can't find people I can be real with. 

I don't think I'm getting any sleep today.

 I don't know where to get a headstart at work. I feel like I'm headed nowhere again. I'm really trying to be happy for them, really I am. :c I'm so tired. When will this be over. I feel like I'm slaving my life away, and for what? I don't even know what I'm breaking down for. 

 Grabe, 5 days na pala mula nung huli akong nagpost dito. Lol. Gusto kong iboto si Ka Leody. Ikaw ba? Haha. 

 Sa totoo lang, galit na galit ako. Natulog akong galit, pumasok akong galit, iniisip ko na namang mag-SL. Gusto kong magmukmok, magkulong. Ayoko munang makipagsalamuha sa mga tao. Parang ayoko ulit maging okay. Gusto kong maging malungkot. Bakit? Hahaha. Ewan. Pero galit talaga ako. 

Birthday ng mama ko nung 9 haha. Tapos napanaginipan ko papa ko. Grabe ayoko na nung ganung feeling, yung ipagpilitan sa akin yung mga bagay na ayaw kong gawin. Kahit sa panaginip ko naglayas pa rin talaga ako haha tapos paggising ko tinapon ko na yung susi ko sa bahay sa Batangas. Eto na talaga yon. Wala na akong mauuwiang talaga. Siguro for legal purposes, permanent address ko na lang siya ganon

 If we all ultimately want love anyway, then why is everyone fucking around. The drought is real, motherfucker, and although I have re-installed Tinder, I'm really not too keen on the idea of hooking up like that again. Gusto ko ng karat with feelings, please lang. Besides, hookup culture takes a toll on my self-worth and it makes me wonder if I'm only just a hole to stick some guy's meat in. Ayoko na ng ganun talaga.  guy's meat in. 

 Sometimes, iniisip kong ayawan yung mga gusto ko naman talaga para ma-jinx yung pagka-ayaw ko sa kanila, pero di naman talaga yun nangyayari tsaka di ko rin naman maloloko sarili ko. Wala, share ko lang. Napaisip lang ako habang naglalakad. Ang ingay ko nga talaga. Masaya ba talaga ako? 

 I need to lose 10 kilograms before the year ends. I hope you're rooting for me. Lol. Don't leave me here.

I was able to retrieve my Spotify account, but I lost my student discount. Sige na lang. I hope I finish my project:

Please keep on rooting for me. I'm rooting for you too, okay?