Hindi na ako magiging pabigat

I want to say and share a lot of things, but I suppose the lesson to be learned now is to do less of that. I've muttered "Hindi na ako magiging pabigat" to myself while we talked in the morning, everytime I saw his picture, while I folded my laundry, took a bath, until I fell asleep. Hindi na ako magiging pabigat. 

Nahihiya na akong mahalin si Matt. Nahihiya na akong mag-take up ng space sa buhay nya. Pakiramdam ko, wala nang makakapagtama ng mga nagawa ko. Parang di na ako kapata-patawad. Lagi kong naalalang nasaktan ko siya tapos nalulungkot akong nagawa ko yun. Nahihiya na akong iparamdam sa kanya yung existence ko kasi pakiramdam ko, constant reminder lang ako na nasaktan ko siya. Ako lang naman yung pilit ng pilit sa kanya. Hindi ko mapatawad yung sarili ko. 

Ayoko nang i-burden siya with my life and with my presence. Gusto ko lang namang bumalik kami dun sa panahong okay kami tapos walang nagkikimkin, pero ngayon, pakiramdam ko, pabigat na lang ako sa kanya.

Lagi naman nyang gustong makipaghiwalay na. Baka tyina-tiyaga na lang ako. Ayoko talagang maging pabigat. Kaya nga ako mag-isa eh. Ako lang naman yung pilit nang pilit. Ang hirap magmatigas, pero kailangan ko nang sanayin sarili ko para di ako malunod sa lungkot sa dulo. Pakiramdam ko hindi niya na ako mapapatawad, hindi ko sinasabing entitled ako dun, hindi ko siya sinisisi. Lagi kong iniisip na galit siya sa akin. 

Siguro, pagod na akong maging pabigat.

Promise, hindi na nya malalaman pag umiyak ako. 

Pag ako bawal magsumbat ng mga dating kasalanan, pero pag siya ge lang. Gets kong paulit-ulit, pero akala ko may agreement kaming magsasabi siya pag nakikita nyang

Wala pa pala ko kain buong araw kebs diet 

Ang unfair nga rin. Bakit ako yung mukhang may kasalanan lang? Bakit ako yung may expectation na magcommunicate lagi? Bakit pag sya na di nagcocommunicate agad, kailangan ako yung makaramdam? Bakit siya lang pwede maging dense? Hindi naman ako nangunguwenta ayokong manguwenta kaya di ko sasabihin na lang tsaka wala naman ambag sa relationship.

Pero pa-vent na lang. 

Tsaka bakit ba, sabihin na nating umiyak ako kasi nag worry akong nawala siya for a while. Ginamit nya pa against sa akin na nagshare akong umiyak ako, PERO. MALI. BA. AKO? Hindi! Hindi ko guni-guning something really was wrong. Sa tagal kong sinasabi yun, ngayon nya lang sinabing may problema pala sya dun? Parang nagiging nitpicky na lang din siya eh.

Anong aayos kaya dito maliban sa ayusin pa sarili ko. 

Bakit ako lang yung matigas ang ulo? Siya rin naman. Ayokong magalit eh, I wanna take the high road and be the bigger person pero ang lala din ng sumpong nya. Lahat pinag-aawayan. Ang iritable nya rin. May ganun din ako, pero hindi ko alam kung aware ba siya na ang iritable nya rin. Umaamin ako pag na-realize ko mali ko eh. Paano din mapag-uuspan nang maayos eh ang init ng ulo nya. Tama nga siya. Siya nga mainitin ang ulo. Tangina, kahit sa akin no? Kasi parang feeling nya siya yung tama at ako yung mali at siya lang yung nagpapasensya. 

Sa ngayon, sabi nya, sapat na yung nasa relationship kami para maging kampante sya. Panghahawakan ko 'to ah. Sige. I'll give him his space. 

Binabasa ko 'to atm. 

i was having a breakdown i wish matt was here im sorry i feel sad listening to this song bc ive annoyed him and made him doubt if hes enough i have to remember to avoid self fulfilling prophecies bc i seem to have forgotten. madaming tinotolerate si matt sa akin para hindi ko to itolerate din. hes always trying hes still here. he still says he loves me. thats enough. ang lala ng pagka insecure ko i should fix this. 

ive been singing the entire morning na lang

 Dumaan akong SM kanina kasi naglalakad ako pauwi from office. Naalala ko nung bigla na lang akong kiniss ni Matt hahaha kasi ang nice nung tinambayan namin. Kailan kaya ulit hays

Also, I was going over the photos on my phone and hehe nag away kami ni Matt nung nakaraan kasi sabi ko ang tagal na naming di nagkikita, I was under the impression we last saw each other nung July 2. Kaya I've been asking how we could have let that go on for that long. Man.

We saw each other last July 29. Barely even month since. I'm so sorry Matt. Can we just laugh it off I was dumb it was dumb.

I do miss him tho. 

 I miss Matt. 

I think I deserve to be alone. Wala pa rin akong ganang kumain. PC won't turn on. Matt is mad and we're not on good terms.

 

Fav song atm

 What a life. 

In all the times na may hindi kami pagkakaintidihan ni Matt, I have nothing negative to tell him. Swerte ko talaga sa kanya. 

I wonder if he still wants me. 

I need a new hobby to enrich my mind and keep off these thoughts from my head. 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

All can I think of are ways to kill myself. And that I really, really, really want to die already. I don't see a future for myself. I don't see things ending any other way. I'm super mean. I'm an asshole. I'm brash.  I'm impulsive. I don't know half the things I say, and yet I still say them. I'm a waste of space. 

I say I'll clean up after my clothes, and my clothes are still where they are months after months. Next thing you know, it's almost been two months already. My clothes are on the floor or in the laundry bag more often than they are in my drawers. 

I see myself in these garments that are strewn everywhere, just searching for their sweet spot in this shoebox of a space I've created for myself. I am also this shoebox, its walls splattered with a dark shade of grey I cannot maintain, but insisted on against my landlord's wishes for the sake of identity, as well as to replace their careless choice of green. 

This is currently my favorite song.

I like these poems. 

Bibigay na ako, parang nauupos na ako. 

Fuck, just give me a good job or please may my employment status be solid/stable. I will look into finishing my degree. I need to graduate to qualify for stuff. Like, experience-wise, I can qualify for many things. It's that I haven't graduated that disqualifies me. Ok. Before this year ends please. 

I guess it's a little sad I can't get that moral support from someone I hoped I would. 

I got lost and forgot there's a life I'm a passive, or an unwilling participant of.

I appreciate the good stuff in my life, but boy, do I feel awful. I can pick myself up this weekend, but I feel like it'll come back and I'll regress in the near future. 

Man, I Love Radiohead

I wish I still had dreams. 

I can't believe I once wanted to write. I wish I still did. And I know I've said this countless times, but I'm too big of a person to not have any desires. 

Adaptation's Meryl Streep encapsulates how I feel. 

I always mean well, and it's not always going to translate, but I always only mean well. I have no personal ambition to nurture and turn me selfish, and I believe I only take what I'm due, although I won't complain if I receive additional. 

I just want to feel alive. 

For today, I'm relieved to at least be partly out of this funk. 

I am watching The Bear as of this writing, and if this isn't the perfect song to end this entry, then I don't know what is. 

My bad, it's been a while since the last

I love Radiohead, man. 

I've skipped work for two days now. I don't know why I'm back in this place again. I'm not in a good headspace. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in limbo.