I feel cranky

 I adore my boyfriend so much. 

I saw my aunt's and my cousin's Facebook profiles. I'm glad Trixie seems to still be in speaking terms with them. I just feel so othered. I know feeling this way is stupid, because what was supposed to happen after running away from everyone? 

I'll definitely see Trixie for sure, but I'll do whatever I can so we don't cross paths. I will avoid them for as much as I can. I'd rather things go that way, kesa mas ma-affirm lang sa akin how unwanted I am. 

Part of me wishes I could still return and be welcomed back.

I know I won't be. 

While I'm well aware I still have so much room to grow, I like who I am, but I also know they wouldn't like me. I wish I was only being a pessimist, but it's the truth. 

Baka may ibang pamilya na mama ko, which is none of my business. Alam kong if this is really the case, it'll be as if I never existed to her so she can move on. I don't blame her. 

I guess it's just awful to have no family at all. 

Trixie's the closest to a family I have, Kassandra too. Maybe even Ryan. The rest are good friends too, but if may levels of friendship, I'd be one of their low-tier friends, habang sila nasa higher tiers na sa akin. I know I love Matt, and I know Matt loves me too, pero he can't fix this problem for me. I'll have to solve this myself. Matt isn't an answer or a solution. If anything, he's another question, one I'll be fine figuring out the answer to for the rest of my life. 

I'm fine with the solitude, believe me. I enjoy the solitude too, but a family would be nice too. On the other hand, do I really want the baggage that comes with one? I don't know either. 

I wish I can figure this out. 

I wish me and my mom could go to therapy together. Or maybe Tita Lot at least. 

Siguro ito nga yung nakakalungkot, to walk alone and belong nowhere and to nobody but myself, the price I have to pay for some quiet. 

Sorry, pero itatabi ko lang 'to dito for my safekeeping ha?

 Ang pangungulangot ay parang pagtatalik lang din. 

Well, the frustration bore fruit, lol. May computer na ako putangina. 

I was productive at work today and also at home because I rearranged my shit and now, mas umaliwalas putangina.

Started from the bottom

Now we here!

Hiding the PC and wiring from Bebu gamit eco bag. Can't wait for the computer table to arrive para mas elevated. Thinking of getting rid of my current bed frame kasi I feel like it only gathers dust? But I'm not at ease sa metal bedframe. Maybe tiyagain kong lagyan ng varnish

People around me:

Andeng

Jowa cutie

Jhoanna na naglaro ng piko kagabi

Work

Sana ma-happy ako sa increase ko. Sana i-apply na siya. 

Fave songs atm:

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Nakakaiyak naman bumili ng pc. Bakit ang daming hanash 😢 nakaka-frustrate na taglaha. 

Naarawan din today. Caught up on chores (yay)

Part 2 of "Therapy is expensive, but my boyfriend's messages are free" 

Ginawang DP ni jowa ang cute pic niya 🥺 nakakagigil siya. 

I've done better on my trying hard french toast. Buns ng burger ginamit ko diyan, so cut me some slack. 

This looks hot, although I'd have liked it more if it were mahogany stained. 

Naisip ko what if bumili na lang ako ng CPU, may nakita akong 12k eh. Tapos tingi-tingiin ko yung gamit. Ya know? Tutal, di ko gusto yung RGB keme na keyboard. Gusto ko ng frameless na monitor. Di ba? Will need jowa's help. Or Kassandra. Sabi ni Kassandra, compatibility will be an issue. Ang dami namang hassle. Ayoko kasi yung freebies sa set.

Bumili ako garlic longganisa. Excited na akong i-try siya. Iniisip ko what if magluto na lang talaga ako ng food ko? Mas makakatipid ba ako nun? 

Tapos kahapon may lakad dapat ako pero tinamad lang talaga ako, sabi ko dysmenorrhea haha but it true doe. Wala nga lang akong period pa, tapos nawala din siya pag-uwi ko.

Namili ako dito, ang saya. Parang stress reliever hahaha. 

Binilhan ko na lang siya ng cake:

Kung mahal ang vision board eh di let's improvise:

 I feel sad 

 I wanna someone to see thru me right now and just break me down but still hold me all the while.

I don't feel so good. I'm annoyed at my boss kasi I shared about my plans to buy my own PC, tapos sabi niya he's never had one. Gusto niya ng award? 🙄 Para makalayas na rin sa kanila. 

                  Si Matt                                             Me

I think OTP. Cute ng jowa ko. 

I really mean everything I've told Matt before, na ang sarap niyang mahalin, at lalo ko lang siyang minamahal. May mga araw na dinedemonyo ako ng utak ko, and it feeds me thoughts like he could be cheating on me (fuck my ex charot), pero totoong it's easier to trust him. Mahal ko si Matt. Mahal ko siya kaya naniniwala ako sa kanya at sa mga pinapakita niya. Counted ba yung cheating stuff as intrusive thoughts? Walang nagawa si Matt para pagdudahan ko. Baka pwedeng counted? Kasi if anything, I think Matt is pure. 

Pero totoo, mahal ko lang talaga siya. Atsaka lahat ng posibleng maging issue namin, napag-usapan na namin eh. Yung hindi malinaw sa akin, nalinaw na namin eh. Tapos ayun, nagtatawagan na kami. Tama siya, di naman guro need umabot sa magkatulugan kami, pero natulugan ko nga siya habang nanonood ng Fast Five at ang magaling sabi ba namang akala ay sasakyan daw ako nung humilik ako. Kagagaling ko lang sa kanila kanina, tapos kinukupal niya na ako lalo. Hahahaha cute cute ih. Sana ganito rin siya kasaya. Nararamdaman kong pinupush niya talaga akong mag-grow as a person. Yung sinabi ng mga kamag-anak niyang magandang nagka-gf na raw siya at gaganda buhay niya? Siya yung may ganung dulot sa akin. Aamin ako, super monotonous ng buhay ko, pero wala lang, he gave me that small nudge para kausapin nanay ko.

(Di ko gets bakit nilagyan ng icing na greeting yung Brazo de Mercedes, akala ko may parang card lang but ok?)

Birthday ni daddy kahapon, tapos buti na lang napakiusapan ko si Kassandra bilhan ng cake. At least, alam ng tatay kong somewhere around the globe, someone does remember, and just thinks of him without the need for him to beg for it. 

Sana di isipin ni Matt na nagselos ako sa shirt niya with Cheska, la ko pake. Basta ako mahal niya sabi niya eh. Hahaha. Natutuwa pa nga ako, ang cute cute ng shirt. Bakit ang angas ng jowa ko? Di kasi siya seloso??? Hahaha, pero alam kong he cares, hindi yung hindi nagseselos na akala mo wala na ring amor o pake sa'yo, kasi I made a bad joke on Twitter about how I'm a hole (maybe voluntary for him alone hehehehe) tapos he said didn't I think about him when I said that? And tama siya. I should be careful with my words. Tapos okay na rin yung mabawasan nga pagkalulong ko sa Twitter. Tapos ang sarap sa inorderan namin kanina... AND HE GAVE ME CHICKEN SKIN‼️‼️‼️‼️🥺 ANG SARAP NUNG MANOK 😡 

I've closed off from the world, pero parang hinihila niya ako pabalik (not forceful but in a very encouraging manner). Pwedeng coincidence lang, but still, ang warm sa pusong isipin. Tama siya sa sinabi niyang trying is easier for the other person, because he does make it easier to want to try to turn my life around even for just a bit. 

Sana ma-enrich ko rin buhay niya, because he's really doing the same for me. Thank you to the highest heavens for Matt :) I will fight for him (whether it's my own bad thoughts, circumstances, or other people—I'm looking at you, Brent)

DID HE HAVE ME INSTALL DISCORD SO I CAN JOIN GWEN'S SERVER???? APART FROM THE WATCH PARTY THINGY???? 

Well gosh. Kahit coincidence pa, I love this man even more. Baka bigla akong maniwala na kay God nito. Next thing you know, I'll be back to doing the things I used to love in a few months hahaha lmfao sana maganda rin dulot ko sa buhay niya. I don't want to only be taking without giving or doing anything back.

Na-realize ko rin, big talaga si Matt on acts of service. I think it's up there more than words of affirmation (and he's a writer lol not saying it's a bad thing natawa lang ako isipin hahaha) and it's cute. Tapos mukhang ako naman ay big on giving gifts more than I'd like to admit lmfao tho not as much with receiving tbh haha

Anyway, gnite! 

 Naisip ko lang, could this one online acquaintance only be staying friends and in contact because she owes me money?

It's time like this when I feel sick that I want to be pampered and cared for even more. 

 The earlier entry was only a fleeting thought. I won't know everything, but my boss offshore believes in me.

 

 Naglalakad ako pauwi ngayon tapos parang naisipan kong what if di ako tumuloy papuntang office at magpakamatay na lang ako. Haha. I don't have any putpose. I feel tired, like parang may butas na sa katawan ko. Gusto kong maging as free para makapaglakad-lakad lang pag gabi like I want.

I feel like the world hates me. I don't want to see anyone. 

I wonder what's gonna fix this crappy feeling. Therapy? Higher pay, maybe . Wish I were rich. 

 Bigla akong natakot umuwi. I don't want to deal with my aunt. Went on OT for 4 hrs today. 

 I cooked French toast today and it's not so bad! I'm excited to prepare it again tapos I know better na to make thinner slices of bread!!! 

Work has been extra stressful, but my SO is amazing, and so you know what? I'll get by just fine. 

Kinilig ako nung sinabi niyang "naaadik" na raw siya sa akin, kasi ulol na ulol naman na ako sa kanya talaga, and because I know hindi kami magkaka-toxic-an. We'll be fine. Nag-aasaran kami about this person we both knew, and about how he asked me dati na makihugas ng paa, tapos I blatantly refused kasi I know it's a strat to get close to me and get physical kahit na the guy was an asshole. Pag pupunta si Matt sa CR, tinatanong ko siya kung maghuhugas ba siya ng paa kasi okay lang.

How we started:

siya yang nasa bottom right lol

again, sorry 

literally just in front of me! 

How it's going:

Ang sarap mong mahalin, Matt, correct. Hehe.

Today I bought myself more flowers! May nakita na akong wrench na tig 200. Excited na akong sumahod.

My cousin also attempted suicide recently. I'll skip going to LU and prioritize going home instead. 

I've been buying myself flowers.

(today)

(Feb 28)

And I feel pretty here:

My current faves:

1. Si Matt

2. Eto

3. Hehe

 Iba sana gusto kong i-share sa'yo ngayon pero mas nananaig 'tong nararamdaman ko atm eh.

I feel ugly, like baka I'll never really be my SO's type. Alam ko namang di nakasalalay sa kanya self-esteem ko. I'll elaborate another day. I'm just so sleepy.

Song

 This old friend I share a birthday with told me to listen to this, and ngayon ko pa lang siya ever papakinggan, the true snob that I am.

Hindi ko alam bakit ganito kasakit at kabigat yung nararamdaman ko pero wala naman akong ka-close ng sobra para pagluksaan nang ganito. Iniisip ko lahat ng malalapit sa akin, paano pag namatay sila. Hindi ko alam. Iniisip ko yung mga di ko ka-close, paano kaya sila pag nalulungkot, anong ginagawa nila pag sila yung nakakaramdam ng ganitong kirot sa dibdib nia.

Di ko alam bakit may ganitong kirot sa dibdib ko. 

 Alam mo, something clicked when I said out loud that knowing and understanding doesn't automatically equate to feeling better about things.

Totoo palang hindi all the time na it would be better if you understand the why's and how's of things.

Naisip ko lang.

Ang annoying din na sa office natitrigger lang sipon ko. Sana rin palitan na nila upuan ko ng ganun din. Nagtatanggalan na piyesa eh. Kahapon washer natanggal, ngayon turnilyo ulit.

Tagal ko na pala sa Teamspan. If I didn't resign nung January last year, magli-limang taon na rin ako sa May.

Ano kayang mangyayari sa buhay ko? Sana makapag-loan na ako sa SSS. 

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Natatawa akong natatawa sya dito. I'm thinking of surprising jowa with tix to smth we planned to do nung first date pa lang na naudlot. Wait ko lang sahod. 

Tenderness is all I've got.

It's always the negative emotions that tend to stick too well, yeah? Started feeling crappy when I felt like I messed up ordering food for the SO, then I started to just feel weird.

I know the things I know, but it doesn't shake off what I feel.

Maybe this is MY issue—I don't like being an inconvenience to people, I'm not comfortable with taking from people, I'm not comfortable with having people go out of their way for my sake, because my entire life, I've been made to feel like a failure.

They weren't even passive aggressive about it. I was called an underachiever by the aunt I respected so much, all while I thought I was doing well.

I was called and renamed Brenda (for brain damage) because I just suck at everything.

It was easier to feign ignorance because no one would expect anything from someone stupid. 

The first few times I'd ask to clarify because I didn't hear or didn't fully understand (but wanted to), I was mocked "huh?" "Ano po?" wc would've been harmless kasi it happens at work to this day bc bingi nga rin, but it was established that I was plain incompetent along with the mockery. It wasn't harmless teasing. 

My grandpa would throw stones at the restroom when I'd sing while I took a bath.

My uncle would monitor me more than a security guard would ever watch the CCTV monitors just to see what I was doing on my laptop. So I'd resort to writing in the dark. And then rewrite during the day to organize my drafts from the night before.

What a life.

That explains why I overthink everything. And why when I get started, I can't afford to fail. Or, I won't even get started at all.

Ingay ni kuya. Kung si Shopee yan, kill me.

I just want to pass out and get my motivation back. 

I wanted to share this pa naman bc this is my boss's boss:

Pero mas nangingibabaw na negative feeling ko eh.

 

In other news, I stumbled upon this—

I suppose love is in a glass of water,

in the folds of chicken breading, 

on "Lot for Lease" tarpaulins,

in the warmth of a hand, 

in boring bus rides,

in daily thank-you messages,

in random food deliveries, 

somewhere between the lines "thank goodness you're/you've..." and so on, 

quietly seated across you and the friend you're deep in conversation with, 

today alone in a room that could've been a cab ride away, suffering from poor internet connection. 

I'll be better.