I saw my aunt's and my cousin's Facebook profiles. I'm glad Trixie seems to still be in speaking terms with them. I just feel so othered. I know feeling this way is stupid, because what was supposed to happen after running away from everyone? 

I'll definitely see Trixie for sure, but I'll do whatever I can so we don't cross paths. I will avoid them for as much as I can. I'd rather things go that way, kesa mas ma-affirm lang sa akin how unwanted I am. 

Part of me wishes I could still return and be welcomed back.

I know I won't be. 

While I'm well aware I still have so much room to grow, I like who I am, but I also know they wouldn't like me. I wish I was only being a pessimist, but it's the truth. 

Baka may ibang pamilya na mama ko, which is none of my business. Alam kong if this is really the case, it'll be as if I never existed to her so she can move on. I don't blame her. 

I guess it's just awful to have no family at all. 

Trixie's the closest to a family I have, Kassandra too. Maybe even Ryan. The rest are good friends too, but if may levels of friendship, I'd be one of their low-tier friends, habang sila nasa higher tiers na sa akin. I know I love Matt, and I know Matt loves me too, pero he can't fix this problem for me. I'll have to solve this myself. Matt isn't an answer or a solution. If anything, he's another question, one I'll be fine figuring out the answer to for the rest of my life. 

I'm fine with the solitude, believe me. I enjoy the solitude too, but a family would be nice too. On the other hand, do I really want the baggage that comes with one? I don't know either. 

I wish I can figure this out. 

I wish me and my mom could go to therapy together. Or maybe Tita Lot at least. 

Siguro ito nga yung nakakalungkot, to walk alone and belong nowhere and to nobody but myself, the price I have to pay for some quiet. 

Sorry, pero itatabi ko lang 'to dito for my safekeeping ha?