I'm tired and sad, and I'm just lucky I have the rest of the year to distract me and help me cope until it ends. 

 I didn't expect this from Jenna 🥲 To be acknowledged means a lot? It feels nice, but I'm also embarrassed because I don't feel or think I am? I'm okay with being decent or competent, but to be the best would be a stretch. I'm thankful she sees me and doesn't think I'm a nuisance. I'm happy that I'm helping the team instead of pulling them down, because I see myself as a nuisance most of the time. Madalas talaga pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. I'll relish in this feeling while it lasts. 

Binati ako ng mama ni Matt over the phone, IM SO SHY

👉👈

I went over my messages with Cecille our general manager again today and had a good cry about it. 

Gnite 

A little over a year ago, I was looking for cheap burial options. Right now, I'm wide awake binge watching The Haunting of Hill House and feeling so lucky, thank the heavens, for my boyfriend. This love makes me maybe want to start believing in a god again because there's nothing else I can think of to be grateful towards.

My heart hurt deeply and I wept over Luke's episode. It gave me a grasp on understanding what my mom and relatives did when I stepped in their home. I'm not yet fully sure what to make of that, but I think it will be helpful in easing the resentment out of my system and my life. 

I want to read and write again. I'm not sure if I've ever said that out loud over the past years, because all I've known is the shame in not being good enough. Admitting this now feels good. Wanting things feels good, even with the possibility of never getting it at all. 

A small part of me is worried about the crash after this high is done, but as with all ebbs and flows, I'll ride out this wave until the next. 

Good morning.

Here are my current favorites. 

Ang hirap labanan ng lason. Nakakasira ng bait. I've been cheated on before. Ang hirap kalaban ang sarili. 

 Di naman nya ako namimiss. Okay na to kasi lugi lang din naman ako. 

I always long for my guy but I feel like we're just sexually incompatible. That's sad. Sa simula lang magaling. Baka nga bothered pa rin ako sa nakita ko. 

 

I was feeling lighthearted and a bit uplifted and now I'm sad and frustrated because why do things have to be so hard why can't we have just one good day why can't things work out for everyone why do things have to push us against each other if everyone means well for everyone else. If I'm really the bad person I think of nothing but maybe the need to be gone. I don't necessarily mean off-ing myself, but just somewhat gone. Maybe disintegrate. 

I have things to be grateful for, and I am. I haven't decided yet if they outweigh all these. Should they?

The end of a clock's ticking doesn't stop time. 

 It's interesting how everyone thinks they're the main characters of their own stories and think we're all just doing the right and best thing we can given our circumstances. Naisip ko lang. 

Ang lesson natin today is to shut up. Never again. I do not want drama. Huhuhu, gosh. Eto na huli. Lol. Ayoko na tanginang yan. 

Sisterhood is amazing. 

If you've been completely brainwashed, then you should know by now that male-female romantic relationships are doomed to fail—

Men aren't wired to be soft and emotional, and women have always been taught that romance is the norm in all good relationships.

The entire journey is a matter of going against what has been ingrained in our heads. 

Okay ang dapat kong igoogle is paano maging jowa ng unromantic na jowa. 

I hate my bday. Hahaha. Wala akong maisip na magawang masaya nun, wala ding maisip si Matt. Magmumukmok na lang guro ako. Pinag-iisipan ko pa rin yung kay Gianna. It would be nice to be made to feel special on days like that, or even at all. I don't feel special to my boyfriend. Hahahaha. I'm just tired of not receiving the same energy. 

I'm all for being great friends with your significant other, but it's a bit too early for us to be acting like a long-term couple right now when we haven't been together for a year. He never bothers to try thinking. What sets me apart from his friends? He comes here? Yeah, and when he doesn't? Anong difference namin sa friends with benefits with this? 

Para ba akong walang interest kaya ganun ako kahirap bigyan? Kasi nakikinig ako sa'yo tas dun ako kumukuha ng ideas. Baka nga hollow akong tao. Tangina, nagsabi nga ako last year na kahit unan lang eh. Hahaha la pa rin. 

Kung kinaya nya para sa iba, di na nya kaya para sa akin? It's not like I want it all the time. Di na nya ako tinutweet, di na siya nagsasabing he wants to fuck me. 

Matt said he misses me. Hindi ko alam bakit, pero parang nainis lang ako. Hindi ako naniniwala. Hahaha. Okay naman kami, pero parang nairita lang ako dun.

Anyway, ang weird ng dream ko. Nanaginip akong parang nasa kulto ako tapos may ginagawa kami para yung existing na pera sa laro ma-convert namin into real money, di ko sure if nagnanakaw ba kami ng identity, but it's illegal stuff. Tapos nagpool party daw kami nung mga kasama ko kaso abusado daw sila kasi iniwan nila akong mag-isang nagliligpit.

I miss you ka pa nga hahaha o tamo active now naman pero wala hahaha oh well akoy matutulog na lang

Priority nya pala pamilya nya. Magda-dalawang taon na siya sa work nya and never nya pang nalilibre silang kumain sa labas. You know what? I can't fault him for that. I get it. Money really is a big issue huh. 

Matthew wag magbasa ng diary challenge

Eme I don't think he does it's just that I'm not sure why but he just gets it hahaah see? This is why I love him this is so much he shouldn't even be doing this but I'm thankful for it. It does help. 

I'm not sure if I believe in God yet, but there's only that to thank, and I'm thankful for Matt.

Anyway nanaginip ako kagabing nagsimba daw ako pero late na ako dumating, as in pag upo ko nagsipalakpakan na mga tao tapos nakita daw ako mama ni Matthew tapos thank goodness nagising akong kabado haha tas nagmanhid ulit tas nag-improve mood ko ngayon. 

He doesn't have to do this, I swear. I love him regardless. Hindi ko naman ihahanay sarili ko sa pamilya nya or even make it a choice between me and them, I'm all for him pampering his family first. I wish I have that nga rin eh, but I can only remain at a distance from mine so 🥲

I feel abandoned and left out, I guess. I feel patronized when my boss apologized for not being around so much recently. She shouldn't have apologized, imo. I know she means well, that's why I'm not taking it against her. It just felt like rubbing salt on the wound. I always know naman na she's busy so it's not even that big of a deal. Siguro gumatong lang siya sa upsetting feeling ko. Tapos nag-usap kami about how we always do stuff for everyone in the team when there's an occasion, which I like! Pero may mali. They never did that for me. Kaya I feel like a middle child.

I tried to talk with Kuya Jasper about something I was sad about back then, pero I don't think he really understood when I tried opening up kaya I didn't proceed further na lang. Felt like I was shrugged off lang din.

Oo, ang petty talaga nito.

No one really does things like that for me. I just have myself. Natatawa akong isipin ngayon kasi nagcall kami ni Matt, tapos nung sinabi kong I'll just be self-sufficient, sabi niya di niya gusto yun. I'm not fully sure if he's only referring dun sa pinakakinaiinisan nyang nangyayari or in general ba, pero natawa lang akong umangal siya dun sa sinabi ko about being independent, when everytime, I'm just forced to be this way. I've been neglected a lot, so I've had to make do with it.

I'll do my best to never cry in front of him or let him hear it. After that bad fight, sorry pero dala-dala ko pa rin yun. I still feel like I'll only be mocked. 

I've been feeling so so sad lately. I don't know how to turn it around. 

Nabastusan din ako dun sa nangyari last time and the lack of acknowledgement, kaya yeah. Ayoko munang mag-elaborate. Ayokong pumasok, honestly. 

I feel sad. I feel like a middle child. No one does things for me just because. No "hey this reminded me of you" stuff. I'd love to elaborate further, pero ayoko na. I'm not solely talking about my romantic relationship. 

Elo. Ako'y tinotoyo lang pala. Masayang maligo at kumain. 

I think I'm just the safe choice. 

He doesn't desire me like that. I don't care for porn consumption, because I do too. But when it sucks desire out of you that's supposedly for your partner? Yeah, that sucks.

Sawa na siya sa akin. He's only here because he's honoring our commitment, which I appreciate, but I don't feel like he truly, truly loves me still. 

He's scared of me. I don't believe he still desires me. I'm just a routine.

Ang daya. I feel immensely sad.