Swerte ko sa jowa ko oks na kami lala lang ng toyo ko

 Well, I'm so glad I have this space where I can air out my thoughts first instead of raising them immediately to whoever is concerned because not all thoughts here are rational and I need time to process and decide on what and how I really feel about things.

Days like this make me think I may really be depressed, but eh. 

 My skin is so dry I also stink. Can't believe I've to work again tonight. As always sana dead na lang me. 

I'm not sure if this boyfriend still loves me. It doesn't feel like it anymore. Lugi na naman ako. 

Life was so much more peaceful before this. My head hurts so much.

No song, just poems.

1

2

My problem with being extremely sad during the holidays is my cross to bear, right? The only thing I can do is do better with coping, right? And if my boyfriend says he's busy then I need to understand that right? He did say this would happen. What's the bare minimum for when you're busy?

He does check up on me a few times a day. I guess it's my lack of anything going on that makes it more noticeable how things have changed.

Siguro nakakainggit lang din yung iba kasi some people find time to be with their SOs.

If only my dog wasn't crazy, maybe I wouldn't be here anymore. It's just that no one else will be as patient with her that's why I still stick around. I could just leave her with my dad, but I know he'll just tie her up and leave her outside without a care.

I wish the holidays didn't exist. It only makes me feel even more insignificant and alone. Most days I'm okay with being alone, but it's times like this that make it feel like it's a crime. 

I feel like I always get the short end of the stick. I can't withdraw even more than I already have and I hate that I have to do it sometimes to protect myself. I'm not built to be detached and cold and unloving. 

I've put my phone on airplane mode and disabled the chat function on my messaging app just to pretend I have control in that rather than just live with the truth that no one out there really cares. 

I also don't feel like he still likes me as a person. I'm not sure he ever did. 

Saying sorry for being distant lol why are you even being like that to start with, and what's the point in apologizing if you can't really do anything about it. Apologies are not meant to substitute for solutions. 

He's so dismissive. 

I've also been seeing a lot more things where we're incompatible. Sometimes I think the things he said to reassure me were just lies. 

He can always find someone else where he won't have to worry if the person's gonna be dead or alive the next day. I also don't feel like our sex drive is compatible. 

What use is having someone who still makes me feel alone? It's easier for my mind to accept that I'm literally alone rather than be with someone who doesn't really make me feel any different. 

 I realize I haven't had a decent meal since Saturday morning. My lips are all chapped yay self sabotage!

I'm reading—

I hope it gets better in the coming days. I cooked ham. Still haven't given my boyfriend his gift. I don't feel like existing. I wish I could hibernate. 

There's always no one to welcome me back so I might as well just stay lost. 

I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about my feelings or thoughts anymore. Unfortunately, this includes my boyfriend. I feel insignificant. I wish I didn't exist anymore. 

I feel dead. Heard my stomach grumble, but I don't really feel hungry.

This is what my dog does. I have to get up for her. I have to feed her. I have to clean up after her. I can't die yet because no one else will have the patience to care for her.

Here is my dream:

I remember another dream. I dreamt that my mother and I flew out of the country together, and my dad was supposed to get on another flight and follow us. We had a stopover in Canada. We walked from where we landed all the way to where we planned to spend the night. We walked through an orange forest, but despite the bright pretty colors, the place still looked abandoned and something unusual that I saw while we walked was a set of teeth, but it was flattened out for some weird reason. I think I saw my mom and I in the room together and then she told me my dad caught a direct flight and we'll meet him in that place we were headed to before she left the room. I folded the blankets because that's what you do when you're the last to wake up.

And then idk what happened in between. I just remember being on the passenger seat with someone who felt like my dad, although I'm not sure if he really was my real life father. It was nighttime and we were being chased down and shot at by people, and it had something to do with the set of flattened dentures l saw on the ground. 

And then I remember running away alone and hiding in a beach. I went to the sea and hid in the waters. I hid as much of myself as possible and kept the only most important parts out on the surface enough for me to breathe. I remember losing consciousness and then waking up on the sand and being saved by an important woman whom everybody respected. She took me home and tended to me like a mother and then I was safe.

I remember being one of their close family friends and helping them out to hide myself. Where she lived was a place that was 2200 km² big, and the Earth's land mass in my dream was only 9000 km²

I remember walking the whole 2200 km² on my way to leave the house. I remember that the exit was a dainty garden with flowers above my head. Even the gates were covered in baby pink flowers.

I remember that the exit led to the same beach where I hid, but this time, there were many other people, but they were celebrating my existence. This time around, I didn't feel scared for my life anymore. 

The holidays are still awful. I feel so bored. I feel dead. Pakamatay na lang kaya haha jk

 Sana mamatay na lang ako. 

unta makakita na ko ug purpose uy or anything to be passionate abt idk im too loud and outspoken and passionate to live a quiet life i dont feel alive

not sad, just still feeling lost lol i had more direction and drive when i was in my teens

i kno it may take longer than i would like it to before i find my rhythm. i may never even find it at all. and even when i say in jest na ako na lang ang nag adjust ng pangarap since all the cards are/were stacked against me,

how ive been living doesnt seem right. im too intense of a person to have no dreams or ambition or any clear passion. i can't just waste away the years like this, waiting around until im finally sucked dry of life

i know im capable and driven when i want smth but idk what to do or where to go. one side of me thinks im too old for this shit but i also know im not. where do i put all these? what are these for? 

i cant want something halfheartedly. otherwise, i will not see it thru

knowing doesnt rly take u that far. 

i miss the times when i was sure of myself, when i would beg bc i wanted smth so much. and i was never a doormat and so i'd never be taken advantage of despite being desperate. i'd even take pride in my desperation bc whats wrong with wanting smth so badly that you'd do anything?

i havent fully figured out yet if im still scared of wanting or if i rly dont want it like i did before

i dont have it in me to just want something halfheartedly

 I've also been very bored lately. 

 I miss my boyfriend. 

During a fairly recent convo, my boyfriend mentioned how I remind him of his mother during a fight, and that it wasn't in a negative way because his mother is the best person he knows.

When I thought about who mine is, my mind went blank. But as I thought more about it, for now, I've decided that maybe it's not necessarily narcissistic to say that the best person in my life would be myself because I'm made up of the best bits and pieces of everyone in my life. And even with the trauma that was passed onto me by, say my mother,  those seemingly bad bits were only their best given the situation... so it's still the best, you know? 

Did that make sense? I don't know. It did in my head a few hours ago, at least. 

Despite my knowledge na walang alam ang jowa ko and he's AWFULLY dense + he's walking in tiptoe around me when I feel like crap, I was still hostile and attacked him (verbally) kahit na pwedeng idaan sa diplomasya. 

This behavior of mine has to change. Especially towards the people who matter. The fight made me realize things and wasaybe another wakeup call. This is my accountability post. 

I'm appreciative that he also acknowledged my concerns, MAN HE'S TOO REALISTIC AND PRACTICAL THO HAHAHAHA WALA NAMAN TALAGANG KASIGURADUHAN LAHAT

But frankly? I needed that reminder to drill even harder this lesson on my brain that it's for the same reason I shouldn't be treating people like crap. Inaasar ko siya during the fight. That was so bitchy and useless. Walang ambag para umusad yung convo. I've let my hot-headedness get the best of me. 

I don't think I should get rid of my being bitchy entirely, but I should tone it down especially towards the people who matter. I have a right to be angry and no one can take that away from me because who am I without my sarcasm and petty quips but there is a right approach to being angry if I want the conversation to be productive and what I did last night was the opposite.

Outsiders don't really get relationships, and I know I may look stupid, but tbh, this is just one of those fights sa ibang couples. Pero tama na ring i-cut off yung ganitong attitude, kasi we will disagree on many other things, and we can't have that kung ganito ang magiging approach ko all the time.

 May goal na ako pero akin na lang muna. 

 I've been thinking if I'm needy or if he's emotionally unavailable or if it's both. I'm tired.

I dreamt that a friend asked for flowers for her birthday and of people from work. I wish I'd dream of anything but real life-related stuff. Where are the movie-like sequences? I want to get away. 

Once again, I feel empty. Hahahaha. Kala mo bago eh no? Sorry, walang bago dito.  Kailangan laging maglabas ng pera para lang mag-enjoy ano yun. 

Ang boring ng buhay ko. Kung ganito lang din naman hanggang kamatayan sana'y bilisan niya na lang. I don't really feel loved, like yung loved to the bones. Idk why. Or maybe that feeling doesn't exist. Or maybe I'm the problem and so while it's out there, I won't ever feel it the way I am now. 

Mas madaling maging ulila na lang kesa yung buhay pa nga parehas magulang mo pero di mo rin naman mauuwian. Kung magkasama kami ulit ng kahit sino sa kanila, magpapakamatay ako at some point I'm sure of it. 

Sa ngayon, pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. Pinapalipas ko lang yung taon. As always, ayoko na. Kaso ayun, mahal mamatay kaya di pa pwede. Sana di ko na lang to pinoproblema no? Wala akong makita sa sarili kong worthy :) Wala akong makita sa sarili kong ka-salvage salvage pa. Pakiramdam ko talaga ang basura ko. 

Ayoko na talaga. Haha. Tangina na lang. Pakiramdam ko lagi akong lugi sa lahat. Bakit ganun. Di ko naman binibigay sarili ko sa lahat ng pinagbibigyan ko kasi umaasa akong may kapalit, gusto ko rin namang mahalin sila lahat, pero bakit pag ako na, wala sila?

Anyway, medyo malakas yung urge to overdose right now. Ayoko na talaga. Siguro seseryosohin ko na lang pag-ipon ko for my funeral tapos bahala na si Bebu, sa tatay ko na lang siya. 

Gustong-gusto ko na talagang magpakamatay. Kaso siguro traumatizing ata yun para sa jowa ko. Taena no, first gf mo tas papakamatay. Yoko magpasa ng ganung burden so baka makipag break na lang ako pag mas malakas na loob ko.

Di na ako tutuloy sa kung anu-anong lakad next year. Bayaran ko na lang anong share ko sa Elyu para seryosohin ko na. Di ko rin nakikitang motivated pa akong tapusin pag-aaral ko. Wala na rin namang point.

Alam mo nakakatawa lang kasi di ako nagsosoundtrip kanina tapos naisipan kong magpatugtog kesyo baka madistract ako kaso dun ako humagulgol, tapos tumahan lang ako nung nagstart akong magdiscuss about killing myself and saving up for my funeral. 

Lagi ko rin namang sinasabing ito lang kapupuntahan ng buhay ko. Oh well di ba. Ang weird kung makikipagbreak ako ngayon, so saka na. Siguro next year. Mga a few weeks pag may significant amount na akong naipon. Idk. Or maybe I should do it now? Di ko alam anong idadahilan ko. Di ko naman pwedeng sabihing kasi magpapakamatay ako kasi mukhang cry for help. Di ko feel i-share yung mga ganito kay Matt. Di ko alam bakit. Kasi feeling ko di niya kayang i-handle. Ayoko ring magmukhang I'm fishing. So walang point. Wala rin akong nakikitang pwede kong pag-share-an. Eto na lang. Mas magandang sarilinin ko na lang. Totoo naman din, di ko naman therapist si Matt. Tsaka siguro sasama lang loob ko kasi yung simpleng nag-anxiety/panic attack ako, ang dismissive niya lang. So yeah ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

May isa lang akong na-appreciate, pero ang bare minimum haha. Sabi niya, di raw siya makikipag break sa akin just because his family said so. Kaso ang dali lang namang sabihin nun. Yung isa nga, di naman talaga nakipagbreak sa akin, just made it appear like he did for his parents' sake.

Tsaka ayoko nang masyadong madrama, magpapakamatay rin naman ako, lugi pa siya. 

Di na ako magbobother. Di na ako maghahanap pangregalo, para san pa di ba. Naglolokohan lang naman kami dito. Di ko rin naman ramdam. 

Di na rin ako pupunta dun sa kick-off party sa work next month. Gagastos pa sa damit. Naglolokohan lang naman kami sa trabaho. Ayoko silang kasama, tapos sila lang kasama ko. Anong ika-eenjoy ko dun? Mukha nila? Performances? Nanood na lang sana ako play o movie o ano ba at least legit at guaranteed yung quality. 

What's a good reason to live? Wala akong mahanap eh. 

I wish I could tolerate physical self-harm.

Baka kaya ako nabobo bc I would hit my head on the wall when I was younger. Ngayon ko lang naalala as a naghahanap ng alternative. 

I'm surprised it's never come up in conversations how my setup was with my father, but we broached over the topic of why I don't like our house there. 

I don't have anywhere I can call home and anything I could leave behind for proof that I once was, was disposed of just like that. I don't care about not being this very important, brilliant person more than being like someone who never existed. Siguro kaya rin inuunahan ko na. The most I will be when I die is just another dormant profile on a social media website, good for nothing and back to non-existent should those websites stop running. 

And if that's how I'll end up, then what have I lived my life for? 

You can't say I should live it for myself because if I fully had my way, I wouldn't even. I'd have ended it awhile back.