I still feel empty. Nothing seems to make it better. I wish this wasn't so. It feels like I'm only deteriorating by the day. Tbh, I think I may need to try therapy again, pero ang tedious kasi ng buong process, and it's not like I've never tried. Nagsayang lang ako pera. 

Meh, I'm drained af na. I'll just let things unfold. Umay na, I've no time for this shit. Biglang bumait amputa. Nah. Tama si Gianna. You don't change overnight, whatever you're doing is just to lure me in again and then you'll be back to whatever you were doing that led to me feeling like this.

Hintayin kong ikaw na lang maumay at maramdaman mo pinaramdam mo. 

I cancelled on our "date" this Dec 3 and paid for my own tickets. How's that for fed up. 

May 1 view agad a few mins after my most recent update on that last entry? Are you psychic or something?

Going back to that thought dump on dreams, okay lang bang ang achievement ko today ay nakatikim na ako ng kape ng Dunkin Donuts at napagtanto kong basura siya at naka-jebs ako 2x and I felt a huge sense of relief from it? 

Ang babaw naman nun, but what else do I have? 

I won't be sleeping tonight until ng flight namin back to Manila tomorrow morning para bagsak ako when I get home after I pick up Bebu.

Here is peace, but at what cost? It feels so empty. Is this really peace or did I just escape from the things that could make me feel alive this whole time? Irdk. I wish I wanted something. Ang daling isiping mag-let go na lang kasi wala naman akong gusto o pinanghahawakan. 

Spent the last four days out of town. I still feel empty. Things were good for the moment until they weren't.

Ganun lang talaga yun. Okay na lang. Ganun na lang naman yata talaga yun.

I don't know how to feel about things. I can't elaborate yet. Saka na lang siguro at ayoko nang isipin.

Tbh, I think this guy's going to break up with me anytime soon. Sana he just gets it done and over with na so we can move on.  Unfortunately, the person's also indecisive (worse than me i think) so eh. Buti na lang go with the flow lang ako so kebs lang. I'm not breaking up tho kasi I'm still willing to work on it, it's too early to call it off I think and ang wala namang solid na dahilan to do so on my end. 

Ang dami kong nababasa about going for the things you want, letting go of things you think you want, pero wala na kasi akong pangarap sa buhay. Di ko alam anong gusto kong paghirapan, maliban sa pag-build ng sarili ko. I think posible namang magawa 'to habang striving for a dream, pero wala na kasi ako nun. Kaya di ko rin alam para san pa ako nabubuhay wahahaha

 I'm worried that I may have driven him away too much. 

Okay lang bang magmahal na lang? Pagod na akong mag-rationalize at mag-isip. Why should I need to watch my back when it's supposed to have you? 

too lazy & drained for words; my days in photos. and then, an afterthought

I think I've cemented my place in your life as at least your first girlfriend and that's pretty much it. Somewhat similar to when adolescents have sex the first time, you and I are just a moment to cross off of a to-do list, our few days reduced to a box marked done and over with. Hopefully on a pastel sticky note, at least. 

I don't feel like you really want me. It feels like we're only together because you've resigned to make do with whatever available fragments there are of the one you've loved your whole life.

You make me feel like I'm yet another forgettable female side character to your male protagonist, a gateway girl in my own movie. 

Always a Rosaline.

The painter's botched replica of a scene in the park. 

Nothing more than an attempt at a fantasy of another life.

 

we're now okay

We're now okay.

Thanks for dropping by and checking in. I like how we talked about it; it wasn't angry and messy and deafening like in the movies. Think Baumbach's Marriage Story. You know which part. And we were far from that scene. I think we handled it pretty well.

Some days, he makes me want to start dreaming again and tonight, he's reminded me that even with the bad, when it's with his company, it's easier to brush them off and just take them on. I hope this doesn't sound dependent. I think I've coped with my life okay naman on my own so far, but it's different when your day is closely linked with someone. It's the same level of difficulty when you're on your commute past the wee hours of the night or morning, and you have someone with you. You can't think just for yourself anymore. You have to turn your head every once in a while to make sure the other person's catching up too while you run after your ride, or better yet, you hold their hand and it's either the two of you get on or nobody does. 

Siguro I say that bit kasi I remember how we still had a good time despite walking in the rain with only his small and slightly bent and worn out pink umbrella (romantic in the movies, but very shitty in real life, especially when you live in Manila, where roofs come flying off of houses every typhoon season or even when it isn't, as long as a typhoon or two spontaneously decide to pay my poor country a visit just for kicks lulz).

I like how, on the first date, it was the strolling that we both enjoyed the most, apart from each other's company, when we saw that the tickets to Manila Ocean Park were expensive. (many others would persist all to save face and appear more than what their wallet really has idk)

And even today, I enjoyed regardless of my blunder. I hope he truly did too. 

I'm in love and I really love him.

I also like this compliment from him, so I'm keeping it here because no one's said this before:

Also him just this morning: 

Hihi.

More dramatic posts on here may still come your way on some days in the future, and I hope that he and I overcome them just as we did this one.

To be honest, medyo naiisip kong baka sa simula lang pala siya magaling. Iniisip ko ring pwedeng nawawalan na siya ng gana kasi ang dalas ko ring toyoin or maybe he never really was that into me. It is what it is. Such is life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hinihintay kong duguin ako.

Problem #1, what if kina Matt ako datnan? Problem #2, what if matagusan ko beddings? Problem #3, day 1-3 is always a bitch, what then?

Problem #4, what if sa Cebu/Bohol ako datnan?

Problem #5, nag-SL ako at hinahanap ako ng boss ko kasi half day lang dapat.

Problem #6, karma is a bitch I suppose. Ganito pala feeling pag tinotokis ng gusto mong kasama. Karma is a bitch nga. Ang crappy sa feeling. 

Kanina pa pala akong 4am gising. Siguro eto na nga lesson ko. Di na ako mag-iinvest as much. I don't like feeling like this. Pwedeng clouded lang judgment ko, pero what if masyadong maaga nga akong um-oo? Maybe I should've waited till next year or something. 

 I was thinking maybe I could leave Bebu with my father, but my dog is just too pure for that and deserves better.

It's unfortunate that there's no magic cure to this; I wish there was. I'm perfectly aware that there are people who care for me, but I feel so disconnected and the largest part on why that is is on me, but self-awareness can only get you so far, no?

I wish I felt better. I wish I was better. Ayoko na dito, pero mas ayokong maging pabigat nga lang sa mga malalapit sa akin at the moment. I was thinking maybe I could just go to Batangas should I fully decide to get it done and over with. What I'd pay to see my father devastated if he were to learn of it. Hopefully my mom finds out too and I hope it hurts them both to death. Schadenfreude nga, sabi nila. I wish letting go of baggage was easy. I want to get over everything, truly, but I can't. And I badly, badly wish I could. Ayoko nang dala-dala 'to. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung anu-ano pa ba talagang tangan-tangan ko. 

If you're close to me, please don't try to make me feel better. Pity would only worsen it, and while I'm sure you have the best of intentions, my brain won't be able to fully make sense of it. Thanks. 

Came across this link while I was looking up interpretations on dreams of past and current lovers in a threesome setup because SO dreamt of it. Most of the results were meh; compiled them all in this one MS Word file and sent it to SO 

songs:

one

two

i dont know how i feel these days when i think about it. or maybe i shouldnt be thinking too hard about it to start with. 

i feel like crap theres nothing to look forward to ahha still wont mind being deleted from existence 

Ang unpleasant ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. I'm still on the fence about that team building this weekend. Everyone says maybe human interaction would improve my disposition but what good use is forcing myself to mingle when I don't like the people I'm/I'll be with? I still may flake. Bahala na yung 600. 

Umiiyak ako ngayon pero di pa rin naiibsan yung nararamdaman ko, whatever this is. I can't even explain it, pero my best bet is eto yung onset nung naramdaman ko dating parang humihiwalay yung utak/kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko. Ang sakit sa ulo. I'm doing my best to function, but to no avail.

Ayoko na talaga. Gusto ko na talagang maglaho. Parang gusto ko na lang gumawa ng kung anu-anong impulsive na mga bagay and waste away, waste myself away, waste away my life.

I'm tired of everything seryoso. Alam kong paulit-ulit, but I mean it everytime. 

Siguro maybe in the future if I'd be given the choice between avoiding a gory death but continue living as a consequence OR ending life but thru violent means, I may eventually find comfort in the latter.

Life isn't all that bad, I swear I know, but I still can't bear it for some reason. I don't know why this is, or where this dissatisfaction is still coming from. I have no expectations in life anymore, kaya nga dead weight na lang ako eh, but even then, this still happens.

I just want this to end please. Di ko na kaya. Ang sakit na sobra sa puso. It's like my heart is being clawed out of my chest. It physically hurts so much. 

 Umay

Nakakasawa kayong lahat. Yun lang. 

 Maybe I never really changed. 

Sabi naman ni Aj, normal lang maging curious about the people who were/are in your life. Eh. Parang nagsisisi ako sa desisyon ko nung weekend. Idk. Bahala na lang. Umay ng buwan na 'to. Also baka papasukin kami sa Thanksgiving at Black Friday. Umay. Bahala na. Siguro, mainam na mag-tone down na lang din ako sa interaction ko. Mag-uninstall na lang ako ng ig. Kaya ko naman. 

Sorry I'm too drained to bother with a song for you. I know it's been a while. Sorry. 

 I feel like crap I wanna go home and be alone I want the ground to swallow me whole I don't know why I'm here I feel glued where I am I want to leave idk why I'm here I don't serve any purpose 

 I now feel like crap. I wish those around me don't take it upon them to make me feel better. I'm sorry I can't pretend I'm chirpy

Tumayo ako and nag pause to let it sink in na I'm a year older para magmoment sana kumbaga but u know what idc ATM haaha niways airways ehhhhhhhh sana matae na ako yan ang bday wish ko 

 I hug my pillow as I get ready to sleep. My head goes "I love him!" nonstop, more times than my poor brain can process.

Ah. 

 I've been feeling like crap a lot lately and I cannot function at work. I've wasted two days at work now. 

Was looking at all the stuff on my Google Drive and came across this list I made 2 years ago.

Ang hirap paniwalaang I've let 2 yrs just pass by me like that. I don't know what to feel. 

I feel so lucky.  :( 

i feel so dead. SKL

So cute.