hi :( 

i ended up uninstalling all the dating apps and deleting my accounts there. i suppose ive grown out of it. and i really dont need that kind of company any longer. 

i hope my friends will be ok as well :( i just want everyone to be ok :( sigh :( 

 Hi

I just found out abt this song a few mins ago and now I have it on repeat hehe skl 

https://youtu.be/Va_tfmIgZTw

I look great, don't I? I never really thought I could pull off orange hair. I just did it because I'm crazy, but I can naman pala. Can't believe it's already a Monday. I feel sad. Is this the holiday blues? Idk. Maybe not. It feels weird. I feel calm lying down on the floor and being alone, but at the same time, I'm yearning for things.

I really like that new Homeshake song. I also reinstalled dating apps, but I'm put off by how everyone just wants to have sex. I'll probably delete it before the day ends. 

I feel like this person I like is probably avoiding me. I'll leave them be. I'm really giving up on this. Mali talaga eh. And yeah, I feel crappy. There's no need to drag other people into this. Ikaw lang nakakaalam nito. Ayoko na rin. Ayoko nang ipagpilitan sarili ko. I'm proud of myself for not being delusional :) I want to be okay. I want things to be okay. I hope to get some sleep today. I really feel sad.

Seeing my older friends on Facebook reminds me that everyone's dealing with crap. Hays. Gusto ko nang maging okay. 

 

Man I still feel like crap

 Saw this on my Facebook memories. Horrible times.

What's with old notes and past loves today? I was talking about writing with my favorite person at the moment and then I found this:

This worsened the negative feeling. And now I'm back to wondering about the same things from when we broke up.

This is horrible. 

Nakakalungkot pala makita old notes ko kasi it's a reminder of my inadequacy and how I let an almost-good thing slip by me had I been good enough. Oo ang sad girl. Ibigay mo na 'to sa akin, blog ko naman 'to. I really feel sad na I kinda want to delete myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone 

Well, save for a friend I really trust.

Sorry sa kalat. Sana okay ka lang. I'll get over it like I always do 

 Even I can't reread my posts. Re-reading them makes me wanna vomit yucks. 

Walang naniniwala na pwede. Kung ikaw nga mismo, hindi eh di mas lalong dapat ko nga yun paniwalaan na hindi talaga. Mahirap kasing pagkatiwalaan yung sarili ko kasi di na rin ako sure kung totoo pa ba 'to o niloloko ko lang sarili ko.

 I just got back in the office yesterday from my week-long vacation and, I have to say, it didn't really give me the purpose I felt was lacking from when I took a break. Right now, I also feel so fucking sad. So fucking down. I did so badly at work yesterday as well. 

Today I broke my last mirror. It came as a pair, which I got for P500 at a mall nearby. 

I had placed it at the top of my wooden cabinet to be some sort of assistance while I attempted to bleach my roots and dye my hair evenly. It ended up looking like patchwork, a horrible mess, really. I should've stayed blonde.

I dislike having mirrors all over the place. I personally don't find it a necessity to have to see my reflection every second or minute of the day. As a matter of fact, I abhor seeing myself to a point where I'd wish to just be a floating entity, one lacking physical form.

My biggest mistake was leaving the mirror on top of the cabinet, along with my leftover dye mixture, even after this botched hair dye job. As a result, and deservedly so if I may add, earlier today, just as I was on my way out to forage for food—particularly, sisig—I clumsily knocked both the cup of dye mix and mirror off my drawer, resulting to a sticky and glittery mess, courtesy of both the mirror and my hair dye.

A few moments after, when I got up to clean up after the mess, I thought that maybe there could still be something salvageable out of the fragments. While I am not the most creative, I am an adult. I am twenty-three years old. I know enough to get by. But it's true what they say, that while broken mirrors still do something to show one's reflection, it really would not be the same.

I've wiped the dye mixture off some of the glass and taken a long, hard look at my form on this shattered looking glass, but even then my face doesn't make sense. You'd think I could at least make something fitting for my personal aesthetic out of this mess, but no.

I still hate myself.

And this is all that my five-hundred-peso bill has come down to.

The elders have always spoken against shattered glasses and broken mirrors, about how one must be careful in treading around them, about how they aren't good for anything more. 

I could wipe clean each of the pieces, try to make them almost good as new, but a broken mirror is a broken mirror. Even a small crack is still damage. 

Maybe the elders were right. Maybe there isn't anything more to make of a broken mirror and all other broken things.

 Lol I came across this:

Also, I feel pretty. I update my blog entry throughout the day, by the way. Just so you know. Lol.

Ayan. Si Airene na nagsabing wag ako mag-expect. Dapat ko na talaga 'tong tantanan. Tama. Ayoko na! Ayoko na talaga!! Hindi na!!! 

Ayoko na talaga!!! Tama na 'to!!!! Hindi na talaga!!! Ayoko na. Seryoso na. 

Ayoko na nga. Ayoko na. Tama na. It's staring me in the face. Ayoko na. Tama na talaga

I'M DRUNK. INIWAN AKO NI RYAN IM SO SAD PERO OK LANG!!! I HAVE OTHER FRIENDS PERO OK MA RIN TO!! WAKE UP CALL KO NA SIGURO YUNG NARIRINIG KO NA SA ULO KO YUNG DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI HANASH NG INTROVOYS TAMA YUN. DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI DI NAMAN PAASA SI GUY EH HINDI PA RIN AKO MAGNENAME DROP HANGGANG KAMATAYAN BAKA IKAW PALA YUN EH TAKOT KO LANG

PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAA

nagpacheckup ako sa EO GRABE SOBRANG LAYO MAGING TAYO

Ang sakit lang konti kasi isipin mo yun, willing siya na ma-add siya ng mga tao na same interest niya pero ako na hello??? I think we're really good friends right now pero hindi pa rin pala. Sakit. Ayoko na nga. Masaya na lang ako para sa'yo. Pero ayoko na. Tama nga yun. Magmu-move on na ako. Living my life living for myself realness ganun

I wanna delete myself lol

I'm not the prettiest I'm not hot but fuck am I that awful bakit walang nagnamahal sa akin

Sad sad sad super sad I wanna delete myself I wanna truly truly delete myself

I tried dating apps right this very moment but I no longer can't I want you I want just you do I love you who knows can I just say that so casually but this isn't casual—I do love you it hurts. I love you it hurts  

I love you I love you. I do. But I'll hold it in for our sake. Maybe that's what this is supposed to teach me. So I'll hold it in. But I do love you. Very much so.

 

 Alam mo, if you really think about it, this is a story. No, seriously, this can be. Tapos naiinlove ka na pala sa akin kasi syempre kailangang gawing palatable sa audience tapos hindi ko na alam anong element pa pwede natin idagdag para maging unique siya. O kaya wag ka na lang ma-in love sa akin para unique talaga siya, pero yun yung magda-drive sa story—is he or is he not in love? (Or she, irdk who you are). Tapos ang ending di ka naman talaga maiinlove. We'll never have the conversation about you reading all these. I'll never find out who you are. We'll go our separate ways and live our lives the way they were meant to be lived. We'll grow out of each other's lives. Assuming you're this person I want you to be, parang ang lungkot. Gusto ko na lang matira sa fairytale, yung magkakagusto sa akin yung gusto ko. Ayoko talaga siyang mawala sa buhay ko. Lol. I mean, don't be offended from what I'm about to say kasi I'm really not sure who you are anyway, pero okay lang mawala ka wag lang 'tong taong 'to.

And who has the energy to write these days? Not me. Lol. 

Di ba hindi na ako makalat (in public) gaya nung dati or feeling ko lang yon.

Okay magbabasa na ako ulit skl hindi ko pa rin nililigpit labada ko mag two months na ba or one month irdk

 Magtitinder na ako konti na lang putanginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Update: nag-install ako pero uninstall din. Kaya ko pa. Kaya ko pa. Lintek na yan. Tanginaaaa. The fucking restraint. Pero tignan mo to daddy-long-legs, ANG GANDA KO SINONG PUPURI SA AKIN SINONG HAHALIK SA PAA KO HA!! char lang huhu hayst 

Oo hindi kita kilala wala na rin akong pake pero ang ganda ko putek na yan thank u filter wooo tanginang yannnnnnnnnnnn crush mo na ako no crush mo na yan dali na charot la ko pake huhu ok idlip muna ako tas basa na ako for real

Joke who am I kidding. I actually look like shit right now. Ang lala ng pimple breakout ko 

Gusto ko nang ayusin buhok ko na tinatamad ako. Pinoproblema ko pa rin yung likod. Okay iidlip na muna ako gnite.

Nagbabasa ako ng listahan ng mga dating kdramas na naiere sa ABS CBN tas isa sa upcoming nila is Judy Abbott. Tapos naalala kita. Daddy Long Legs, ikaw ba yan??? Penge namang pangtustos diyan. Chos. Lol

Anyway nasa tamang pag-iisip naman ako ngayon kahit na unang araw ng buwanang dalaw ko. Mali talaga 'tong nararamdaman ko lololol isa lang 'tong malaking taeng kailangan kong iire. Tama. Huhu hindi ako productive puro lang ako tulog huhu ansaket ng puson ko gusto ko ng matinong pagkain kaso di ko alam ano kakainin ko huhu

Tignan mo pagkain ko hahaha kulang na lang Dutch Mill.

Ayan yung motchi na minamata ng aso ko. Lol. Hindi ko alam anong gusto kong kainin.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=z3lP16mFtro&feature=share

This song always makes me feel sad. Sigh. I don't think I can still write anymore.

I fucking feel so sad and I wanna drink anddd... Ugh.

 I want to feel free again. This pandemic setup is so suffocating.

Also, this song has been playing non-stop in my head: https://youtu.be/JeGhUESd_1o

Parang ang sarap ma-in love nang ganito ah??? Penge namang isang Christian Yu diyan. Lol. If I can't have a love like that, then I don't want it. Do you see how they're comfortable with each other?? 🥺 Anyway, I'm on a week-long leave from work. Hopefully, I'll be productive. Lol lonely twerking

I got vaccinated last Saturday and I had fever for just a day!!!! My co-workers were sick for more days than that. Grabe this guardian angel of mine, really... Baka demonyo talaga nagbabantay sa akin lol. In which part of this little life of mine did I trade my soul for a long life on Earth? Lol.

I want to share something to you pero para na akong sirang plaka, nabanggit ko na rin naman siya sa past entries ko, tsaka nahihiya akong i-acknowledge siya kasi baka mapa-invest ako nang wala sa oras so I'll just pretend I said it in this part. Sana ibigay na ng cosmos sa akin. Lol. Pero baka hindi rin. Pero okay na lang din.

This is the safe route. 

I wish the night was longer.

Maalat siya pero stoko yung texture ng itlog hahahahahha matigas ulo ko nasobrahan yung Knorr cubes na ginamit ko lol

Also, share ko lang na for a time, I was this bad at work: 

Wala lang, I've come a bit far I guess. Lol.

Medyo nagligpit ako today pero tinatamad talaga ako magligpit ng damit ko huhuhu

 Sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa ring gawin yung magdadala ako ng pagkain sa bag ko tapos ipamimigay ko sila lahat sa sinumang madaanan kong may kailangan. Kanina namigay ako ensaymada tsaka lollipop dun sa batang natutulog sa may overpass-ish sa Festival. Minsan, napapaisip ako kung totoo ba yung haka-haka na the beggars are planted on the streets by the syndicate and that it's actually a long-running business, pero kahit na di ba? Sino ba talagang makakapagsabi? At kung ganun man, why would they do that job kung maalwan talaga buhay nila kasi ibig sabihin dapat nun, may iba silang option para makapag-hanapbuhay. Resulta lang din naman sila ng palyado nating sistema.

Anyway, dinagdagan ko ng lollipop yung binigay ko kasi naalala ko nung bata ako, gusto ko rin yung lollipop ng Goldilocks tapos na-enjoy ko naman yun. Sana siya rin. O baka may kapatid siya.

Anyway, nabakunahan na ako and sa totoo lang, ngayong pauwi na ako, it dawned on me na malungkot ako. Naiyak nga ako bigla sa jeep. Hindi ko rin alam bakit. Buti na lang may face mask, kaso agaw-pansin yung buhok ko ngayon. I also bleached my hair and I'm liking it.

Eto talaga gusto kong i-share: ang saya sa feeling yung may ibang tao akong naimpluwensyahan/napaisip. Kasi yung ka-work ko nakarinig siya na may nagrereklamo daw na bakit mas nauna daw mga indigent sa mga A4 na tayo naman daw nagbabayad ng buwis at mas may ambag kumpara sa mga indigent tapos parang banas na banas pa yung tao. Tapos kumatwiran ako na eh yun na nga, sila yung walang access kung tutuusin sa bakuna so bakit sila yung mas pagkakaitan. Kapag tayo nagkasakit, oo, mababaon tayo sa utang pero para sa kanila, baka nga hayaan na lang mamatay yung tao dahil nga sa kakulangan sa pera o access sa loans, etc. Mas wala na ba silang karapatang mabuhay kesa sa atin? Tapos sabi nung kausap ko, oo nga rin, di niya raw naisip yun. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko masyadong sigurado kung may sense ba yung sinabi ko pero ayun. Pero feeling ko may point naman di ba? Mas vulnerable naman kasi talaga sila sa atin? Tsaka di porket tayo yung araw-araw pumapasok sa office eh less exposed na sila. Pwede rin naman kasing may raket sila na kakakailanganing lumabas din sila. Ang paghahanapbuhay naman kasi eh hindi lang yung nairereport mo sa BIR.

So ayun. Masaya ako kasi nabakunahan na ako. Sorry kasi gumamit ako ng kapit. Malungkot din talaga ako. Mas nakakalungkot ding hindi ako pwede uminom. 

Sa totoo lang gusto ko ring dumayo kina Ryan ngayon. Pero siguro mainam na ring wag na lang muna. Sana sa Biyernes. 

Lintik na traffic 'to, naiiyak na talaga ako :( Side effect din ba 'to ng bakuna? 

**

Hello, nakauwi na ako. Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong tanungin, gusto ko lang siyang kausap pero di ako pwedeng masyadong mangulit. Tsaka need talaga ng mga tao ng boundaries. Otherwise, they'll feel smothered. 

 Hindi ako masyadong lulong sa pag-ibig ngayon pero di naman talaga laging ganun di ba? Minsan sapat na yung palagay yung loob mo dun sa tao. Eh kaso hindi eh. Hahaha. Kasi nga lahat kaibigan lang daw sa akin at kaibigan lang din ako eh ano na rin. Pero ok lang talaga. Gusto ko nang matulog pero di ako makatulog. Sana pwede ilipat lahat ng gagawin bukas na lang. 

 

Tanggap ko na, Jane at Wanda. Inaamin kong isa akong abusador na sinusulit jacket ng kaibigan ko at hindi ko pa rin kinukuha yung damit ko sa laundromat mga 3 weeks na lol I think haha

Lamog na lamog na utak ko please lang

 Pagod na ako ano kaya gagawin ko next week

Tinatamad din akong gupitin bangs ko haha huhu grrrrrrrrrr

Update: kinuha ko na labada ko but lol if this ain't me

 Nakakatamad mag exist stoko na lang magkulong

 The yearning has died down. I'm good. Just tired.

 Maybe I just love you, but I'm not in love with you. I hope so. 

Are soulmates true?

Because if they are, you just might be mine.

I don't think I'll ever tell you this, but you're the best person in my life. By far. You've been around from when I still had dreams and till now that I don't have any.

Maybe you're just supposed to show me I can be treated right. Maybe you're just supposed to show me the kind of love I want, but you can't be the one I'd love like that because it's your hand I'll be holding when he doesn't come home at night. It's your shoulder I'll be crying on in case we'll have fights. It's you I'll be calling first thing once we've made up. You'll be the constant in my life, I hope, just as I will be yours.

Just as I will be yours.

Maybe I can't have you the way I want to now because we're supposed to have something stronger.

I'll have to think of it like this to help me sleep at night.

This is not poetry or prose, just another letter maybe that won't see the light of day. Or maybe except for a stranger on this cramped space on the internet.

There's so much of the world we have yet to see, and we are both still young, and they say things might even turn around for me over time, but I can't really delude myself like that. I'm old enough to discern that we can't count on possibilities because they're nothing more than that until they happen, and this one's not within my control. You've already said no once, and I don't think you're one to change your mind over things like this, though I still wish you would.

Of course, you won't.

A lot can change in the years to come, but I hope we'll still have each other. It may not be like right now anymore, and that's alright. You said it yourself—when the time comes that we grow apart, I want us to be able to smile at the thought of each other.

I hope you know you have my back, that I'll mourn with you and cry for you and laugh with you, laugh at you, and all that.

I don't understand how you've come to mean this much to me, but you do now anyway. I want the world for you. I cannot pick out the best words to let you know how much I want the greatest things in life for you. So I won't say a thing. And I'll hold back on all these. No biggie. I need to develop restraint, anyway.

But you'll have my time. And you'll have me. It might not amount to much, but I hope it counts for something.

You told me some time last year to pour my feelings out and write to you. I'm grateful for this chance. Here's your letter. I'm sorry it's long overdue. I don't think this will be the last. 

 Can't I have both? :( Please naman, cosmos :( or maybe it's the kdrama. But the yearning is a little too strong today.

 Ang masasabi ko lang ay wala ka talagang mapagkakatiwalaan at gusto ko nang lumaklak ng Neozep kasi letseng sipon 'to, hindi na nawala, and if taking many of those does something else, I won't complain either. This week has been crappy so far for me, and god, I just want the year to be done and over with. Heck, my life can end and I'll be a happy man. 

Umiyak na naman ako sa work today. Ang masasabi ko lang ay pagod na ako ayoko na talaga. Lol. 

Sana ang true love para na lang din sweldo para kahit paano, kahit pakiramdam mo ang tagal-tagal bago dumating, sigurado kang dadating din. Hayst.

Wow, this is really turning out to be such a terrible week. I want to go home and get some fucking sleep. Mukhang magiging daily occurrence ata ang pag-iyak sa office. I'm just so fucking tired. 

Time check, 6:21 AM

Nagsabi pa bago kong manager na if we weren't picky daw sa vaccine pwede niya raw kami ilista. Like who's she calling picky? Medyo nakakairita. Or if grammar lapse yon, ayusin niya. Like good for her, may connection siya at nakapagpabakuna siya. Good for her. 

Sa totoo lang napupuno na ako. Abangan na lang kung ano mangyari. Nawa'y matuluyan na rin kung topakin bigla kasi di na ako natutuwa. Napupuno na talaga ako. Di ko na alam anong gagawin lol

 It's not going to happen, not in this lifetime. And that's totally okay. The person I like will find someone else he likes whom he's going to do all sorts of crazy stuff for. And while it stings bc it won't be me, it's okay. I really need to get a move on. Lol. Idk how. I'm sure this will all die down one of these days. I fucking hope so. 

Naisip ko kanina na parang nakakababae na 'to ah, pero medyo nasa tamang pag-iisip pa naman ako so I can deduce that that is illogical. Ganun talaga, may kanya-kanyang desisyon ang mga tao pero grabe na twoah rold!!!!! Ang tamlay pa ng tteokbokki sa Mr. Park. Ang lungkot!! stoko lang ng true love my god

parang stoko na rin pamigay aso ko pagod na ako

I need to get lotsa stuff out of my system. I know it's not so hard to just hook up, but I don't want to go that route anymore. That doesn't do me any good, and it also only leaves me wondering if I'm good for nothing but hook ups. Lol. Sana balang araw may magmahal na rin sa akin charez ang corny gago 

Ayoko na magwork shuta

Nasabihan ako ng isang kaibigan ko na dapat ko nga raw 'tong tantanan kasi kahit siya raw di niya raw nakikitang mamahalin ko raw yung crushie ko as boyfriend, parang hanggang friends lang daw talaga dapat kami. Siguro nga. Bahala na. Di ko naman pinagpipilitan sarili ko. Ibibigay ko na lang 'to sa sarili ko hanggang mawala 'to. Hanggang ngayong taon na lang. 

TIME CHECK, 4:30 AM. PUTANGINA AMPANGIT NG ARAW NA 'TO TALAGA NAGSWIMMING SA INIDORO YUNG SALAMIN KO YAWA  nakakasad na talaga.

Hi, naglalakad na ako pauwi. 5:48 AM. Nasira tsinelas ko. Hindi ko rin na-hit target sa trabaho. Baduy talaga ng araw na 'to. Naisip ko rin, bakit ko hahayaang invalidate ng iba yung nararamdaman ko eh ako naman nakakaramdam nito? Madami namang nagsasabing para lang daw tropa turing ko sa mga gusto ko. Eh anong gagawin ko???

Tas naalala ko nasabihan rin ako dati na yung bf ko raw parang kaibigan lang din turing ko. Eh shuta??? Anong gagawin ko???

Rold ayoko na pong maging bespren ng bayan pero di naman ako mahilig lumandi. I can only give them my time.

I'm fucking tired na ha.

Nah, I'll get over these thoughts. I'm normally okay. I'm just tired today