the caretaker

[Time stamp: 5:52 PM] 

Fun date idea: lie down in bed facing each other and finish The Caretaker's Everywhere At The End of Time

I'm just glad I didn't listen to this at work. I would've... My head is hurting honestly. And I'm just at Stage 2. 

[6:30 PM] 

I'm stopping at Stage 3. My head hurts like hell now. 

[09:28 PM]

You'd think that just because my period is over, I won't be having a breakdown. Boy, are you wrong. I feel it coming. 

I want to be ok i want to be ok i want to be ok i want to be ok

DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT CARETAKER ALBUM IN ONE SITTING. 

DON'T!!!!

JUST FUCKING DON'T. 

WAG MAKULIT!!!!!!!!

I look pathetic pero I know I'm chill lang naman talaga about it. Kebs. Wish things could go back to normal. 

In other news. I feel like a normal human being right now, wow. 

I need to be firm and constantly remind myself to have a little sense of shame naman. Don't wait for the time na i-block ka na ng mga tao. I hate this side of me. 

oh my god the audacity of this bitch (translation: me) im gonna die of embarrassment

surprise surprise i feel good. Hope my friends are too

Here's the thing, I'm drinking to get rid of the alcohol. Maybe because I feel a little sad, but right now, I could sleep it off.

Now, I feel so much how alcohol weakens me. Turning my head feels like a chore. But I'm not numb. And I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I'm a little tired of typing. I want to hear my voice. And yours, especially. I miss you. And I'm sorry.

I miss you. I'm sorry. 

I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please come back. I should've kept my mouth shut. I don't want to lose a friend. I was nipping the bud before it could bloom because I already know. I should've kept it in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted last time. I'm sorry. I'm really so sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone. My exes. The friends I've lost. My family. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I know. Apologies come with change. I'm working on it. 

 fake asleep

Maybe this is what they call emotionally constipated, and I can't let myself off the hook. It feels like I should cry, I want to cry. There are many things that I want to release, but they just won't come out. And I can't let myself fall asleep till I feel something. Anything.

Ayoko talagang mag drama, tsaka di naman ako nalulungkot ngayon (namamanhid pa nga eh), pero nitong nakaraang linggo, bigla na lang akong umiiyak. Lalo na kagabi. Nakailang iyak yata ako. 

Parang di pwedeng sakto lang. Either iiyak ako ng wala talagang dahilan o ganitong namamanhid ako.

I don't feel right. Ang daling humingi ng tawad.  Ang hirap magpatawad. Bakit ganun? 

Sorry na lang talaga sa inyong lahat. Di ko na sasayangin oras ng sinuman by sending an unwanted message. I've said my piece then, and now, there isn't anything else to say but I'm sorry. 

Inaantok na ako sobra, pero di ako makatulog. 

FUCK

now that's an introduction. 

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed which isnt really anything new, and an hour before work so i didnt have sufficient time to collect myself before i go do my job (which im sort of not doing right now because here i am, typing on this virtual journal or whatever)

i should probably stop reaching out to that friend who may have decided to cut me off, huh? if that one view on these entries isnt coming from me, let me just ask, who the heck are you? 

anyway, dont answer. i might get just disappointed if you dont turn out to be the person i want. whoever you are, i still feel gratitude. thanks for your time. 

hope youre doing ok and enjoying your friday evening

now, enough about you. back to my musings because it's not like we're having a conversation. conversations arent one way. 

i know i dont love my ex anymore and i wish i could wash all this sadness off of my skin, but it's as if with every shower, all the droplets of water that fall on my skin only catch his every essence and what was of us and all the pain i have harbored over the years, and instead of those droplets falling off of my body and going down the drain, they remain on my skin, like lint, till my skin rips itself open and they go back in and i...

i dont know if that makes sense. 

i dont seem to be healing at the rate this is going, do i?

it does not help that i am on my period right now, but it's already the 6th day what the heck

i tried to watch 2 movies today but it looks my brain is so slow i can only make room for one every day. anyway, today's movie is comet and it didnt make me feel as much as synecdoche, new york did, but it was still beautiful in its own way. the score was also good, the cinematography tho. that was the best part about it. 

there were lines that were okay, it was honestly the end that carried the entire movie, not hating on it tho. man if there was anyone else reading this save for myself, would you be so kind and recommend movies? just kidding that would mean you'd have to give away your identity haha neither of us want that right? or wrong? idk dont care i feel so shitty right now nothing matters right now

i should probably expect random emotional outbursts from myself every day at work, as i just had my quick crying sesh. 

i tried watching never let me go today too, but i stopped about halfway because i wanted to sleep more. look where it got me--grumpy and feeling shitty

my nails are long i want to get them done i wanna exercise and lose weight and gahhh i dont feel so motivated (wow surprising? jk)

you know, i still haven't uninstalled okc yeah that stupid app i paid for but i havent also opened it ever since that night i reinstalled it haha which was like 2 nights ago i think? ive lost all sense of time honestly so i dont know. the past few months have passed by and i dont know how long it has been it just feels like one long, tiring week

hey you anon can we please exercise? does chloe ting's workout help? ive read about that backlash she got for being a know-it-all 

again, fuck. aegis just played in my queue that was fucking random and funny 

now, moving on to your favorite part of my diary entries...

IN OTHER NEWS...

(nah kidding i just like saying this)

so i came across this post right now honestly before i read this it's so noisy in my head right now like i want it to be CALMMMMM AND QUIET LIKE FUCK SHUT UP BRAIN IT'S SO FUCKING NOISY SHUT UP SHUT UP I CANT FUNCTION I WANNA CRY

do i really wanna die? maybe i do but right now i dont, i just want things to be better please? pretty pretty pretty please fuck ive been crying on and off now. coffee isnt doing what it should be doing to my system. im awake and groggy and feeling like crap pls make it stop 

is it socially acceptable to be crying to a marvin gaye song?????????? marvin gaye said if the world were his, he'd give everything to his love and im in tears hearing that because fuckkkk

sweet, good love sounds so heartbreaking because damn that would be nice but fuck im a mess im a fuck up im a shitty person good for nothing worthless useless piece of shit it's overused sure and every meme girl and boy call themselves that everyday but fuck i really am a piece of shit i swear to god oh god now i wanna die i dont see myself anything of worth not that i want love i know i wont be able to handle that kind of love right now i just wanna be ok ok? but damn im sad sad sad really really sad

i still dont have a concrete idea of what my worth is but my understanding of it so far is that my worth is something that i cant explain but all it has to do with is myself and my standards. so fuck fuck fuck ok 

ok im joke im crying to every song its not just marvin gaye

chapter 2

i wanted to ask a friend if i really am worthless like i think i am but i stopped myself from doing so because that sounded an awful lot like fishing and i should stop looking for validation from others. 

chapter 3

i went thru spotify and what caught my eye was that my ex finally named his account and so i was tempted to go to his profile which i ended up doing anyway and im glad he seems ok. if they're pushing thru with the case, that's beyond me. i'll do what i can on my end too. 

i think i need to delete that playlist. out of sight, out of mind. 

i did. 

chapter 4

I can barely finish 10 sit-ups how did this fucking happen when I had no problems with 50+ sit-ups years back

anyway cheers have a nice life 

hello everything!!

right now, im listening to frank ocean's moon river and boy, this song never fails to get me in my feelings. anyway, just to let you know, the fart (that is my feelings) have been FINALLY released from my system--yes, my dear friends, im crying at work so to speak. i have to say, my tears have the worst timing ever. at least it wasnt as bad as crying in the train and in jeepneys so i guess thats a bit of a relief. unfortunately, i have to cut the crying short every now and then because i need to talk to people on the phone so :)))

keeping a virtual diary is helping me, i think, and now, i no longer feel the need to announce my useless thoughts and share them, not even to friends. i guess im fine with keeping things to myself. hope this keeps up. 

~achievement unlocked~ 

it's a little sad that i had to learn this because some important people left, but hey, it's the takeaway that matters the most right? they'll never see this, but im thankful i got to meet them at least. im pushing myself to follow their example and focus on myself because if im being honest here, i need it, even more than that person does. i shouldnt even think about putting myself out there to begin with. 

so, forgive me for my moments of weakness. 

im still too young. i should spend these years learning to love myself and becoming the person i wanna be or be happy with. i liked what this filipino artist said about being in a relationship with themselves. thats what i should be. i should fully commit to being in a relationship with myself, thats what. yeah. maybe those cringe pop songs were right. i just find their sound and uncreative lyrics repulsive haha

anyway, this guy i had feelings for (unrequited btw) recently resurfaced and out of the blue, if i may add. this was the guy i only knew from online whom i was hung up on for years and would write long love letters for (what the flying fuck right? haha im feeling secondhand embarrassment for my past self) 

(exhibit A)

(exhibit B)

(exhibit C)

I kept that old writing notebook where those letters were written. Some, I typed and sent. Some, i kept to myself. Maybe, in a way, I envy my past self now that I think about it. She was brave enough to put herself out there. I'm not in a good place now to even try and question if those feelings were genuine and completely selfless, but damn, I enjoyed being in the giving end so much in the past. I loved to dwell in it so much, because as far as i remember, my words were that, "it makes me feel" and "i have a lot of love to give". 

That was actually nice. 

maybe i need her right now. maybe not. 

love is scary. i wish i didnt waste my years and feelings on them. maybe i wouldnt be as damaged as i am now if i didnt but it's too late for that now so i have to make do with whatever's left of me and start rebuilding myself from there. 

anyway, that friend's not in the best state of mind right now and im a little worried because im not the best person to turn to bc my state of mind is in the gutter too but eh. what im doing when he talks to me is be honest and say that i dont think im the best person to seek advice from and then share the things im still trying to understand. 

i tell him to hold on even when i dont know the reason why we should. when i put it liek that, it sounds like a joke, but hey, maybe blind optimisim is helpful like this haha i wanna die but i dont wanna drag anyone else into this. joke i still hate blind optimism ew

IN OTHER NEWS, i watched arrival (2016) there is a tiny smile in my heart right now because at least im back to watching movies again after that one-week break i took. i basically wasted one week doing nothing because ive been feeling sooo down as in the suicidal type of down but surprise surprise im not yet dead so thats progress, i guess, but to circle back to my question in a previous post, is it really progress when u stay alive and failure when u kill yourself or try to? 

that question is still unanswered for me. no one's answered it so far. like i have anyone to ask. but thats ok ill figure it out myself one of these days. 

my recent fav artists are bj the chicago kid, lucky daye, arin ray. rnb the best eheh

ill be honest about something. so i uninstalled tinder right? but i installed okcupid and i paid for the app for a month's worth and honestly i dread opening the app bc i dont think i wanna talk but at the same time i... crave human interaction...

im writing a letter to someone in turkey via the slowly app so theres that. if he replies, ill uninstall okc despite wasting my money there huhuhu maybe having a penpal would be nice. there's a BIGGGGG language barrier tho

i dont like how he asked for pictures immediately on the second letter like duh

also my last letter was at may this year so haha im good at ghosting good lord

i thought this was a great idea to talk to people and i tried talking to girls too but it didnt last long. she quit after less than 5 letters and i wasnt even being suicidal, i was trying to be pleasant 

anyway we'll see