Missed u. Okay rin yung saglit na ganun, pero di ko naman mauuto yung sarili ko. Ayoko na.

Akam mo bang mahal kita. Yikes. Disgusting. But I do. I'm never going to tell hanggang kamatayan anyway. Gusto ko na lang mawala. Maybe when I muster enough courage for it 

 Alam mo bang mahal kita ha. ☹️ Yucks even I find thus corny but it is what it is. Alam na ng buong mundo siguro pero sa'yo ko lang di sasabihin lol 

Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero nanghihina na ako tsaka ayoko nang makadagdag. 

Okay lang naman. Wala namang kwenta lahat. Oo.

Sa totoo lang I kind of want to take it back, pero when I do call back, what is there to say? I don't want to waste anyone's time. Wala naman akong makabuluhang masasabi. Mas mainam pa ngang magmukmok na lang ako.

Ayoko na talaga. Di ba sinabi ko naman, I don't see things ending any other way? This still holds true. Wala namang mangyayari. And it's okay. Some stories end this way. Wala namang tama o mali dito.

Sinusubukan ko pa rin naman, pero di pa rin naman ako nakakalimot.

Basta one day, ganun.

Basta sakaling bumigay nga ako, sana maalala mo ako paminsan-minsan. Na sinubukan ko naman

Sa ngayon di ko pa naman kaya. I mean, I wish I could, pero hindi.

I look shittier.

Is this what growth and aging looks like?

I think I only get uglier by the day.

And I'm scared no guy's ever going to think I'm pretty. And I know I shouldn't want anyone else's validation, but right now, it would be nice to feel wanted.

While I don't miss my ex, it would be nice to have someone I can be intimate with–and I don't [solely] mean sex. I miss being in a relationship. I know I'm not in tiptop shape (yet), but this is how I feel right now.

I know what's right, okay? Pero parang okay ring magkamali paminsan-minsan. Baka kaya pala nagtitiyaga yung iba sa kakapiranggot na atensyong nakukuha nila, kasi minsan mas mainam na yung ganun kesa wala. Kahit mali. Kasi kahit ayos lang naman madalas, minsan kailangan din ng pantawid gutom.

Nakakalungkot ding mag-isa.

I've been told many times over and by many people to not show everyone my vulnerability, that not everyone deserves it, but it's about to spill and I don't have anyone. Just you. Lol. Sorry. 

I need a real person, an actual friend. But it's okay. I won't always have people right by.

I want to shut down. I feel like shit. Sana nga pagpapaka-edgy lang yung ganitong lungkot, pero alam mo ba yung lungkot na parang gusto mong hugutin yung puso mo sa sobrang sakit, yung parang ganun lang yung makakapagpatahan sa akin. 

These days, tuwing sinasabi kong okay lang mabuhay mag-isa kapag tinatanong nila ako kung kumusta yung ganito, it's not really okay. Ang lungkot. 

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa.

Bakit ba hindi na lang ako nagkaroon ng buhay na gaya dun sa mga nababasa o napapanood ko? Parang ang hirap namang sumugal sa posibilidad lang, kasi in reality, I can die a miserable fuck.

I can't even sleep. I can't sleep these thoughts away.

 hello im on my second day today sa period ko and i feel so sad bampira ba ako because i crave humans char i crave human interaction outside the office. i feel like im just dragging my body to the office and i dont want to work at all tapos di pa ako crush ng crush ko pero ayon ang sad sad sad supre sad i dont want to work at all coffee is not doing anything so is food so is the internet so is binge watching random shows am i supposed to sleep it all away but what about during my waking hours :c i feel so sad so so so sad i miss my friends i miss going out with them why am i supposed to be alone :c why :c why have i always been alone i feel so sad :c

I don't get it anymore. I don't see it happening for me anymore.

I think mas lumiit mundo ko.

I don't know how dating works anymore. 

I lose more people day by day. This makes me feel so sad. 

 Ang bigat ng araw na 'to. Gusto kong magtirik ng kandila.

Naisip ko lang, magkano kaya ako? Pag ba sinaktan yung kalahati ng katawan ko magkakahalagang limang daan na ba yon? Tapos pag may inabutan ng limang daan para patayin ako, sapat na ba yon? Ganon lang ba halaga ko? Ang hirap magbasa tungkol sa martial law :c

 I'm having a hard time breathing and I can't take a nap din bc of caffeine I feel so restless I don't feel ok. im really trying to feel okay, I'm scared na maulit yung parang lumulutang ako at humihiwalay yung consciousness ko sa katawan ko na nakatitig lang ako sa screen ko for hours tapos I felt frozen I think it's close. Sana di matuloy. I really am trying to be okay. I feel fucking sad. 

I hate looking back at the risks I've taken where I looked stupid because I know I was really trying then. I hate looking stupid when I actually try. Wala naalala ko lang. 

I wanna cry. I dyed my hair again, mixed Paprika Power and Chestnut brown cellowax, but it only made my hair even more orange 

 I didn't really think I'd last this long, and I don't know who you are exactly, but I could not have made it without you. I hope you're doing okay. Honestly, I'm not doing that well recently, but I will cope. As I have the past few months this year, and I hope I get by okay. And I hope the same for you. 

Hi.

I kind of wanna talk, but I also kind of don't want to. I'm back to feeling drowsy in the mornings. I don't know how I'm still going, given my history, but here I am.  I don't think I can reach out to any of my friends. It's tiring to talk. And I think we all need space. I tried going on dating apps again, just to ease the boredom, but I'm not on it much. So much to say, but silence will have to suffice for now.

Try listening to Moses Sumney's "Don't Bother Calling", such a nice song. Maybe it's not your kind of music, though. 

Come back soon. I think I want to hear back from you. 

I know it's just 8AM where I am, but I follow a different time zone. It's really none of your business, but I regret how I lived this day. I regret how I spoke to the people around me. I don't think I still want to exist.

There's nothing else I wanna do more than delete myself. 

Today's playlist:

I Know I Know I Know - Homeshake

So Tired - Crumb

A Dream With a Baseball Player - Faye Webster

If You're Going to Break Yourself - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

Can't Stop Staring At The Sun - Patrick Watson

Better Distractions - Faye Webster

 September has come, and sadness along with it. 

Sigh. 

 i hope ryan is ok seriously :( 

 hi :( 

i ended up uninstalling all the dating apps and deleting my accounts there. i suppose ive grown out of it. and i really dont need that kind of company any longer. 

i hope my friends will be ok as well :( i just want everyone to be ok :( sigh :( 

 Hi

I just found out abt this song a few mins ago and now I have it on repeat hehe skl 

https://youtu.be/Va_tfmIgZTw

I look great, don't I? I never really thought I could pull off orange hair. I just did it because I'm crazy, but I can naman pala. Can't believe it's already a Monday. I feel sad. Is this the holiday blues? Idk. Maybe not. It feels weird. I feel calm lying down on the floor and being alone, but at the same time, I'm yearning for things.

I really like that new Homeshake song. I also reinstalled dating apps, but I'm put off by how everyone just wants to have sex. I'll probably delete it before the day ends. 

I feel like this person I like is probably avoiding me. I'll leave them be. I'm really giving up on this. Mali talaga eh. And yeah, I feel crappy. There's no need to drag other people into this. Ikaw lang nakakaalam nito. Ayoko na rin. Ayoko nang ipagpilitan sarili ko. I'm proud of myself for not being delusional :) I want to be okay. I want things to be okay. I hope to get some sleep today. I really feel sad.

Seeing my older friends on Facebook reminds me that everyone's dealing with crap. Hays. Gusto ko nang maging okay. 

 

Man I still feel like crap

 Saw this on my Facebook memories. Horrible times.

What's with old notes and past loves today? I was talking about writing with my favorite person at the moment and then I found this:

This worsened the negative feeling. And now I'm back to wondering about the same things from when we broke up.

This is horrible. 

Nakakalungkot pala makita old notes ko kasi it's a reminder of my inadequacy and how I let an almost-good thing slip by me had I been good enough. Oo ang sad girl. Ibigay mo na 'to sa akin, blog ko naman 'to. I really feel sad na I kinda want to delete myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone 

Well, save for a friend I really trust.

Sorry sa kalat. Sana okay ka lang. I'll get over it like I always do 

 Even I can't reread my posts. Re-reading them makes me wanna vomit yucks. 

Walang naniniwala na pwede. Kung ikaw nga mismo, hindi eh di mas lalong dapat ko nga yun paniwalaan na hindi talaga. Mahirap kasing pagkatiwalaan yung sarili ko kasi di na rin ako sure kung totoo pa ba 'to o niloloko ko lang sarili ko.

 I just got back in the office yesterday from my week-long vacation and, I have to say, it didn't really give me the purpose I felt was lacking from when I took a break. Right now, I also feel so fucking sad. So fucking down. I did so badly at work yesterday as well. 

Today I broke my last mirror. It came as a pair, which I got for P500 at a mall nearby. 

I had placed it at the top of my wooden cabinet to be some sort of assistance while I attempted to bleach my roots and dye my hair evenly. It ended up looking like patchwork, a horrible mess, really. I should've stayed blonde.

I dislike having mirrors all over the place. I personally don't find it a necessity to have to see my reflection every second or minute of the day. As a matter of fact, I abhor seeing myself to a point where I'd wish to just be a floating entity, one lacking physical form.

My biggest mistake was leaving the mirror on top of the cabinet, along with my leftover dye mixture, even after this botched hair dye job. As a result, and deservedly so if I may add, earlier today, just as I was on my way out to forage for food—particularly, sisig—I clumsily knocked both the cup of dye mix and mirror off my drawer, resulting to a sticky and glittery mess, courtesy of both the mirror and my hair dye.

A few moments after, when I got up to clean up after the mess, I thought that maybe there could still be something salvageable out of the fragments. While I am not the most creative, I am an adult. I am twenty-three years old. I know enough to get by. But it's true what they say, that while broken mirrors still do something to show one's reflection, it really would not be the same.

I've wiped the dye mixture off some of the glass and taken a long, hard look at my form on this shattered looking glass, but even then my face doesn't make sense. You'd think I could at least make something fitting for my personal aesthetic out of this mess, but no.

I still hate myself.

And this is all that my five-hundred-peso bill has come down to.

The elders have always spoken against shattered glasses and broken mirrors, about how one must be careful in treading around them, about how they aren't good for anything more. 

I could wipe clean each of the pieces, try to make them almost good as new, but a broken mirror is a broken mirror. Even a small crack is still damage. 

Maybe the elders were right. Maybe there isn't anything more to make of a broken mirror and all other broken things.

 Lol I came across this:

Also, I feel pretty. I update my blog entry throughout the day, by the way. Just so you know. Lol.

Ayan. Si Airene na nagsabing wag ako mag-expect. Dapat ko na talaga 'tong tantanan. Tama. Ayoko na! Ayoko na talaga!! Hindi na!!! 

Ayoko na talaga!!! Tama na 'to!!!! Hindi na talaga!!! Ayoko na. Seryoso na. 

Ayoko na nga. Ayoko na. Tama na. It's staring me in the face. Ayoko na. Tama na talaga

I'M DRUNK. INIWAN AKO NI RYAN IM SO SAD PERO OK LANG!!! I HAVE OTHER FRIENDS PERO OK MA RIN TO!! WAKE UP CALL KO NA SIGURO YUNG NARIRINIG KO NA SA ULO KO YUNG DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI HANASH NG INTROVOYS TAMA YUN. DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI DI NAMAN PAASA SI GUY EH HINDI PA RIN AKO MAGNENAME DROP HANGGANG KAMATAYAN BAKA IKAW PALA YUN EH TAKOT KO LANG

PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAA

nagpacheckup ako sa EO GRABE SOBRANG LAYO MAGING TAYO

Ang sakit lang konti kasi isipin mo yun, willing siya na ma-add siya ng mga tao na same interest niya pero ako na hello??? I think we're really good friends right now pero hindi pa rin pala. Sakit. Ayoko na nga. Masaya na lang ako para sa'yo. Pero ayoko na. Tama nga yun. Magmu-move on na ako. Living my life living for myself realness ganun

I wanna delete myself lol

I'm not the prettiest I'm not hot but fuck am I that awful bakit walang nagnamahal sa akin

Sad sad sad super sad I wanna delete myself I wanna truly truly delete myself

I tried dating apps right this very moment but I no longer can't I want you I want just you do I love you who knows can I just say that so casually but this isn't casual—I do love you it hurts. I love you it hurts  

I love you I love you. I do. But I'll hold it in for our sake. Maybe that's what this is supposed to teach me. So I'll hold it in. But I do love you. Very much so.

 

 Alam mo, if you really think about it, this is a story. No, seriously, this can be. Tapos naiinlove ka na pala sa akin kasi syempre kailangang gawing palatable sa audience tapos hindi ko na alam anong element pa pwede natin idagdag para maging unique siya. O kaya wag ka na lang ma-in love sa akin para unique talaga siya, pero yun yung magda-drive sa story—is he or is he not in love? (Or she, irdk who you are). Tapos ang ending di ka naman talaga maiinlove. We'll never have the conversation about you reading all these. I'll never find out who you are. We'll go our separate ways and live our lives the way they were meant to be lived. We'll grow out of each other's lives. Assuming you're this person I want you to be, parang ang lungkot. Gusto ko na lang matira sa fairytale, yung magkakagusto sa akin yung gusto ko. Ayoko talaga siyang mawala sa buhay ko. Lol. I mean, don't be offended from what I'm about to say kasi I'm really not sure who you are anyway, pero okay lang mawala ka wag lang 'tong taong 'to.

And who has the energy to write these days? Not me. Lol. 

Di ba hindi na ako makalat (in public) gaya nung dati or feeling ko lang yon.

Okay magbabasa na ako ulit skl hindi ko pa rin nililigpit labada ko mag two months na ba or one month irdk

 Magtitinder na ako konti na lang putanginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Update: nag-install ako pero uninstall din. Kaya ko pa. Kaya ko pa. Lintek na yan. Tanginaaaa. The fucking restraint. Pero tignan mo to daddy-long-legs, ANG GANDA KO SINONG PUPURI SA AKIN SINONG HAHALIK SA PAA KO HA!! char lang huhu hayst 

Oo hindi kita kilala wala na rin akong pake pero ang ganda ko putek na yan thank u filter wooo tanginang yannnnnnnnnnnn crush mo na ako no crush mo na yan dali na charot la ko pake huhu ok idlip muna ako tas basa na ako for real

Joke who am I kidding. I actually look like shit right now. Ang lala ng pimple breakout ko 

Gusto ko nang ayusin buhok ko na tinatamad ako. Pinoproblema ko pa rin yung likod. Okay iidlip na muna ako gnite.