mga instrusive thoughts ko kanina:

"what if sabihin ko walang tubig sa bahay so di ako makaligo"

"sana wala kong masakyan tas makikiusap akong mag wfh this shift"

"SL?"

"lock out ko kaya pc ko...."

May share ako. Hindi pa naman ako super desidido. Iniisip ko sigurong makipag-usap this weekend.

Ngayong nag-iisip ako, like wala namang point in keeping this up. Nung una, okay lang sa akin kasi di kami mayaman so fine. Ngayong nakaluwag kami, ang dami pa ring dahilan. Yung iba nga, nakakalabas naman kahit walang pera.

Nauumay ako sa routine namin.

And hindi din naman 'to para sabihing mali siya. Ganun lang talaga siya as a person, and ganito lang din talaga ako.

Nagkikita kami, pero ano ba yung tumunganga lang kami sa may seaside ba. Feeling ko kasi pag nagkikita kami, hindi nga kami ma-cellphone pero laging media consumption? Where are the conversations? Hindi ko nararamdamang lumalawak pag-iisip ko. Parang wala na siyang nacocontribute sa akin as a person, not that anyone needs to. Pero parang this life isn't serving me, alam mo yun?

I know you can never know someone completely pero I don't feel like we're getting to know each other anymore.

Siguro may problema din ako kasi di pa ako solid as a person, siguro kasi nagbago din naman ako. Pero I want to feel seen and I don't feel like he does.

And medyo TMI to, pero nagka dry spell kasi kami and we broke that streak recently, but I felt numb throughout and obviously didn't enjoy it. Para lang akong uminom ng tubig, mas enjoyable pa nga atang uminom ng tubig.

Willing naman sana ako to let this pass, if phase nga lang talaga 'to, pero I don't see us getting out of this. It'll come and go, then come up again. 

Napapaisip ako kasi napapagiliran ako ng yappers (Ron, kawork onshore, at ng jowa ko) 

Parang nawawala na yung pagkatao ko, parang nagshishrink na talaga ako lalo na kay Matt. Parang laging gusto niya nagdidikta sa buhay ko. 

• ‌can't get a dog
• can't watch movies I like‌ kasi laging gusto nya
• can't go out kasi ayaw niya
• low maintenance na jowa

kaya minsan talaga di na ako motivated ibigay mga gusto nya. naeexcite ako dati pero ngayon di na. I'm not excited to do it even for the selfish reason of getting something in return. yes, i know i should be discussing this with him which i already did yung iba and didn't really get anywhere and nag aaway lang kami and ako yung nagmumukhang kontrabida for wanting kasi he's gonna be him, and im gonna be me. 

Naasar ako dun sa sinabi niyang iniisip nya daw isurprise ako kaso di daw sya sure kung magugustuhan ko LOL sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa na okay lang naman sa akin pero I think sinasabi nya lang yun para palusot na he thought about it pero he's treading carefully. And sapat na yung naisip nya yun kasi it's the thought that counts. Lagi siyang magsasabing mag unwind kami, and gets kong di naman para lagi kaming lumabas diba pero taena patay na utak at kaluluwa ko sa trabaho ko and I really want new experiences with him pero di mangyari.

Mahal ko naman yung tao pero pakiramdam ko talaga, mas lalong namamatay ako as a person.

Anong interest ko? Anong hobbies ko? Do people still perceive me as a person? Kasi I don't anymore.

It was so much better when I was sad. And I say this kasi dati may ginagawa pa ako. I don't dismiss the possibility that I'm romanticizing those times din.

Whatever this is is just as awful. Every phase of my life is too much of the same thing, I guess, that's why it's unbearable.

I have to live my life and not lose sight of who I am. Matt's gonna live his life, while I'm not living mine.

True Story

The dream wasn't even anything special, it was just about me coming in late for work.

Two of my managers are already seated on one side of the conference table. 

While I take my place across them, I catch Paolo do a double take, hurriedly stealing glances of me and then his watch, as if to make sure his eyes aren't lying, that I really have just gotten in. 

Jhoanna is none the wiser. Yet. All her attention is on her computer screen and she types away.

I don't catch the whole thing, but I hear Paolo say something along the lines of, "Late ba talaga yan during this very critical period?" Naturally, this steals away Jhoanna from whatever she's doing and she finally looks at me.

"Oo, kasi di ko naman talaga deserve 'yung mga ganun," I respond in her stead.

She scoffs and says something I can't recall anymore.

Paolo asks something I've heard one too many times, in many shapes and forms: "Is there no other excuse?"

It is my turn to focus on my screen. I frantically check for timestamps of my recent chats or if I sent any emails while I was talking about work with the other folks before logging in. "Give me a sec, I'm going over Teams to look for timestamps."

I follow up with, apparently, a silly question. "Can't I use my timestamps from 5pm?"

"Does she know that's [some made-up term in my dream that means I disobeyed the rules again]?" Paolo says as he turns to Jhoanna with an incredulous look on his face.

I think they said some more stuff but I can't really remember what they are right now. I was trying to write everything properly before this part of my dream. Being made to face my self-destructive tendencies this early in the day is as jarring as downing an espresso shot.

Their gazes from earlier still burn through my skin, as if I had been cut open and they are peering through my insides and yet I'm finding that not being looked at burns even more so.

My very real and very loud alarm clock rings. I stop for maybe less than a second to decide whether I should leave or stay here.

The clock says it is just 6:58 pm, but work isn't until 9.

 I feel resentment towards my boss. I'm very sad these days.

Eto na lang nagpasaya sa akin.

May iniisip ako for March next year.

• Nakabili ng relo
• Nakabili ng kwintas
• Nagpa-adjust ng salamin
• Nag enjoy sa quesadilla
• Nanood movie
• Nakabili batteries ng camera
• Napagana camera!!

Grabe so productive 

Turns out, grief never goes away entirely. Di naman ako namatayan. I just feel grief over who I once was.

I recently learned that a dry spell is normal for couples so I guess fine. I'll ride the wave. To be honest though, I'm still a bit worried kasi ang baby pa ng relationship namin pero syempre mental health is real. I've been there myself so I get that.

Pero ayun na nga, meh na nga love life ko, pati ba naman career ko? Hahah. Maybe what I should be doing instead of feeling sad about work is looking for other options.

 On the other hand, nag-aya siyang magluto kami ng wings. That's new 

 Nakakasad lang.

Parang di naman niya ako pinapahalagahan. Di na kami magkikita sa anniv, di na kami magkikita sa bday, delayed pa kita namin. Di rin kami lalabas for the year. Wala lang ako sa kanya. I let him treat me like this. It's kind of hurtful na walang siyang ginagawa kasi gusto nyang gawin. I let him treat me like this.

Naisip ko lang din, not that this is my partner's obligation di ba, pero he's not as encouraging sa akin to pursue hobbies. Oo, gets ko 80% of the push has to be from me, pero ayoko na i-elaborate. Naisip ko parang lumiliit mundo ko for someone who doesn't feel for me as much as I feel for them. Kasalanan ko rin for wanting to be with them and experiencing things with him. 

Oo, I get na may mali rin here kasi ang clingy af, pero it's not like I don't interact with people at all. Masisisi mo ba ako if siya gusto kong kasama if I'm not working and I don't want to be alone? 

Things would be so much easier kung hindi na lang ako tao.

 

 

This means a lot.

I really feel sad. Like, very, very, very sad. Big sad. Nothing feels right anymore. Parang ayoko na. It's not like I want to feel this way, but I do. I feel so miserable.

 Nasasad ako kasi we don't do anything outside, di niya man lang ako inaaya pumunta ng kung anong event ba.

I feel like he's waiting for me to break up with him lang. He doesn't really love me, he just a strong sense of responsibility and obligation.

I feel a bit resentful towards Matt. Idk if nalalason lang utak ko kasi I know I'm not in a good place right now. We haven't been intimate for a long time. We also don't do the things I want or visit the places I want to. I'm also not happy about work and I don't have friends anymore.

I'm okay being alone naman, it's not like I'd want to talk to people din right now. I'll most likely just push them away. Ang hirap lang ngayong ganito nararamdaman ko. I don't remember gaano katagal nang nakatambak hugasin ko sa lababo and yung labada ko. More than a month na siguro. It's that bad.

I want to get out of this but I feel glued to my bed. Obviously I also don't like myself right now.

I kind of want to push Matt away din.

 Isang buwan ko nang pinapabayaan sarili ko. Haven't cooked, haven't cleaned, etc. lol Im not proud of the current state of my room 

Could I be depressed lol

I came across several hospital discharge paperwork from when I last attempted to kill myself in January 29, 2019 and I am so overwhelmed with feelings of immense loneliness for my past self who went through it, the unbelievable wonder and relief that I am still here, and endless gratitude to all of the people who got me to where I am. The past days have not been easy, but the bad and good do come in waves, so I am hopeful that I will be okay soon.

It's nice to look back and see how far I've come

I miss Bebu

Sabi ng jowa kong joker at ipokrito 🤣

jowa kong cute at ipokrito haha

Kanina nagtry ako aralin paano i-embed YouTube playlist the same way like Spotify but it's a hopeless case so you're stuck with this:

Thank you rin sa'yo for still coming by every once in a while.

Test