Today is a sad day. I feel like I'm losing Matt by the day. I'm tired. My absence doesn't seem like a big deal. Maybe I need to ready myself for the inevitable. 

My current favorites:

Sugar Island - Jesse Gold

Flow State - Casper Sage

Steps - Isaac Zale, Mick Jenkins

I forgot to add, and idk why, but when they prayed bago kumain, Matt squeezed my hand. That felt like a special moment to me.

Let me try to capture exactly how I feel everytime I get in this kind of mood. I feel glued to my bed. I know I have commitments today, but honestly, I feel so scared to go out. I'm hiding from my landlord right now because I'm scared of being confronted, he messaged me to look for another housing for my pet. 

I'm hoping for what they call a deux ex machina. 

In other news, I've met with my boyfriend's parents and I hope it truly went well. I don't want to assume or be fully at ease.

Photos from that day:

I look pretty here.

We cute or whatever.

Ini-story nya na ako. Wieee! 

Cute ng card nila! Very Birch Tree ad vibes, I tell you.

I also want to flex this note Matt gave me on our anniv.

Feedback daw

And my favorite—his reaction to my gift. I'm glad he recorded it. I'm so happy he looked so happy here kahit na na-annoy siya sa dami ng tape hahaha

When I start to feel not okay and then it begins to rub off on the other aspects of my life, it's all these that reminds me of what he means when he asks me kung kailan ba magiging sapat na kami pa. Mas naiintindihan ko na sya. 

Also met up with Airene and nag exchange gift kami sa clinic habang kumukuha ako ng medical certificate. 

Nag-lotto! 

Habang eto naman si Bebu na well-behaved.

I feel sad. I just don't hang around too much so that I don't spiral down. But I really do. 

 I feel sad. I'm trying my hardest not to stumble and break down. A lot of things seem pointless. I wish I could make a lot of things happen with a flicker of a wand or a blink of an eye. 

 I'm tired and sad, and I'm just lucky I have the rest of the year to distract me and help me cope until it ends. 

 I didn't expect this from Jenna 🥲 To be acknowledged means a lot? It feels nice, but I'm also embarrassed because I don't feel or think I am? I'm okay with being decent or competent, but to be the best would be a stretch. I'm thankful she sees me and doesn't think I'm a nuisance. I'm happy that I'm helping the team instead of pulling them down, because I see myself as a nuisance most of the time. Madalas talaga pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. I'll relish in this feeling while it lasts. 

Binati ako ng mama ni Matt over the phone, IM SO SHY

👉👈

I went over my messages with Cecille our general manager again today and had a good cry about it. 

Gnite 

A little over a year ago, I was looking for cheap burial options. Right now, I'm wide awake binge watching The Haunting of Hill House and feeling so lucky, thank the heavens, for my boyfriend. This love makes me maybe want to start believing in a god again because there's nothing else I can think of to be grateful towards.

My heart hurt deeply and I wept over Luke's episode. It gave me a grasp on understanding what my mom and relatives did when I stepped in their home. I'm not yet fully sure what to make of that, but I think it will be helpful in easing the resentment out of my system and my life. 

I want to read and write again. I'm not sure if I've ever said that out loud over the past years, because all I've known is the shame in not being good enough. Admitting this now feels good. Wanting things feels good, even with the possibility of never getting it at all. 

A small part of me is worried about the crash after this high is done, but as with all ebbs and flows, I'll ride out this wave until the next. 

Good morning.

Here are my current favorites. 

Ang hirap labanan ng lason. Nakakasira ng bait. I've been cheated on before. Ang hirap kalaban ang sarili. 

 Di naman nya ako namimiss. Okay na to kasi lugi lang din naman ako. 

I always long for my guy but I feel like we're just sexually incompatible. That's sad. Sa simula lang magaling. Baka nga bothered pa rin ako sa nakita ko. 

 

I was feeling lighthearted and a bit uplifted and now I'm sad and frustrated because why do things have to be so hard why can't we have just one good day why can't things work out for everyone why do things have to push us against each other if everyone means well for everyone else. If I'm really the bad person I think of nothing but maybe the need to be gone. I don't necessarily mean off-ing myself, but just somewhat gone. Maybe disintegrate. 

I have things to be grateful for, and I am. I haven't decided yet if they outweigh all these. Should they?

The end of a clock's ticking doesn't stop time. 

 It's interesting how everyone thinks they're the main characters of their own stories and think we're all just doing the right and best thing we can given our circumstances. Naisip ko lang. 

Ang lesson natin today is to shut up. Never again. I do not want drama. Huhuhu, gosh. Eto na huli. Lol. Ayoko na tanginang yan. 

Sisterhood is amazing. 

If you've been completely brainwashed, then you should know by now that male-female romantic relationships are doomed to fail—

Men aren't wired to be soft and emotional, and women have always been taught that romance is the norm in all good relationships.

The entire journey is a matter of going against what has been ingrained in our heads. 

Okay ang dapat kong igoogle is paano maging jowa ng unromantic na jowa. 

I hate my bday. Hahaha. Wala akong maisip na magawang masaya nun, wala ding maisip si Matt. Magmumukmok na lang guro ako. Pinag-iisipan ko pa rin yung kay Gianna. It would be nice to be made to feel special on days like that, or even at all. I don't feel special to my boyfriend. Hahahaha. I'm just tired of not receiving the same energy. 

I'm all for being great friends with your significant other, but it's a bit too early for us to be acting like a long-term couple right now when we haven't been together for a year. He never bothers to try thinking. What sets me apart from his friends? He comes here? Yeah, and when he doesn't? Anong difference namin sa friends with benefits with this? 

Para ba akong walang interest kaya ganun ako kahirap bigyan? Kasi nakikinig ako sa'yo tas dun ako kumukuha ng ideas. Baka nga hollow akong tao. Tangina, nagsabi nga ako last year na kahit unan lang eh. Hahaha la pa rin. 

Kung kinaya nya para sa iba, di na nya kaya para sa akin? It's not like I want it all the time. Di na nya ako tinutweet, di na siya nagsasabing he wants to fuck me. 

Matt said he misses me. Hindi ko alam bakit, pero parang nainis lang ako. Hindi ako naniniwala. Hahaha. Okay naman kami, pero parang nairita lang ako dun.

Anyway, ang weird ng dream ko. Nanaginip akong parang nasa kulto ako tapos may ginagawa kami para yung existing na pera sa laro ma-convert namin into real money, di ko sure if nagnanakaw ba kami ng identity, but it's illegal stuff. Tapos nagpool party daw kami nung mga kasama ko kaso abusado daw sila kasi iniwan nila akong mag-isang nagliligpit.

I miss you ka pa nga hahaha o tamo active now naman pero wala hahaha oh well akoy matutulog na lang