So I tried sleeping without any alarm set and I slept from 1pm to 12am lol anw I prepped this hehe

Don't judge I just made do with what I had hahaha

It's always so fun watching director's reels.

I made paksiw the other day:

I also didn't get in dun sa NICE na company. Maybe I'll try dun sa Canva.

Can I just add these? They're nice words.

I miss having a life outside of this routine, but there is a calmness in the now, tbh. I'm okay where I am at the moment. Like I can't really complain. It could be better, for sure, but it's really not that bad. 

I was speaking to a friend who was complaining about being bored with her life, and when she asked me about how I was, I didn't feel the need to share anymore. What for di ba? Wala namang mababago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm also sleepy.

I haven't shaved my armpits for so long. Lol.

Maybe this work from home thingy isn't so bad. Hehehehe self-care
 

 So... I called it btw. Hahaha. I'm COVID+. Plus I cooked something! (I stocked up on food hehe)

 Naiirita ako sa mga hindi mo makausap nang maayos. Don't they know the concept of respecting someone else's time? Ako yung kakausapin pero hindi mo makausap nang maayos. Anong gagawin ko? Naiinis ako gusto kong manakal

 My fever went down Sunday but before then it just kept rising to 39.4°C I almost thought that was my doom, but it wasn't apparently. I still ditched work last night just because. And honestly, right now, I can barely function. When I try to clear my stuff and clean up, I can't stand up properly. I've been trembling and uncontrollably. I haven't even paid my landlord yet because I don't have cash I'm fuming mad tbh I wish I could bank transfer. I bought myself a new prepaid modem but it's frustrating how people are saying stupid stuff. Like I don't need this crap right now please lang. Don't test my patience. I have a feeling I have COVID lol  I'm supposed to meet with a doctor online at 2pm but I can't even finish my chores lol

Sa totoo lang, hindi na ako natutuwa sa nangyari and I want to cry but it's going to worsen my coldw and I can't have that. I feel dizzy as fuck and I can't stand up well and I can't work and I need to take a swab test a fucking hassle I want to be gone nothing's going my way

Woke up with fever eh di nice 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Minsan ba, pag tinitignan mo sarili mo, naisip mo ba na hindi pala bagay sa'yo may jowa? Kasi tinitignan ko pics ko tas di ako makapaniwalang I was ever someone else's ex. Like di bagay? It's not that I think too highly of myself. Its just that di lang talaga mukhang maganda like hindi bagay parang I'm too young for a jowa or yung mukha hindi mukha ng dapat magjowa. I'm still processing the fact that my peers are trying to get pregnant some are married some are already with child like.... Huh.

I realized just now that I've been single for two years omg I'm so happy I can do it naman pala e

Anyway gnite baby luv u. Ikaw na lang ang jowa ko. This is official. 

Been incessantly throwing up today I'd think I'm pregnant if I didn't know any better haha I feel like shit it's prolly the hyperacidity,, 

I wish i didn't tear apart my childhood journals when i found out that my grandma read them without my consent lol wouldve been nice to read my stupid thoughts from before just to see how much ive changed (if i did) this is all I have now. That old purple journal from high school only contained dates of series and movie premieres on Disney, HBO, and Star Movies haha 

naisip ko lang bakit ko ginawang TV guide ang diary ko nung highschool ampota hahaha

Also, it's still too early for a happy dance but I've lost 5kgs haha 10 more to go

Long overdue na rin, pero I'll just put this here kasi I think you should see this of all people. You've been my constant and you've literally suffered thru all my stupid thoughts so yeah haha 

 Baby!!! Today is a good day!! Yung tinutukan kong kdrama ay may magandang nangyari today. I was so close to dropping it na kasi. Whatever grammar. Then I pooped 4x today within the first half of my shift. And then I wasn't sleep deprived. Hehehe. I love you!!

Im a bit scared tho. I have a feeling I might test positive if I get checked for COVID. A lot of the symptoms are matching up (nothing severe tho) my heartbeat has been going from the regular to crazy fast a lot lately (arrhythmia) and I had chills last week too. Well, lagi naman ako may sipon pero di singlala nung may rhinitis me. And nothing wrong w my throat so far. Haha. Im scared. I hope I'm just overthinking.

 It feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest, and it only keeps getting bigger and bigger, as I fiddle around the thought of working back from home again. The memory of my constant breakdowns from 2020, the urge to turn off all the lights and lie on the floor so I can cry some more, the muffling of my sobs over a phone call with a customer--I don't want to go back this route again. The office is a great distraction from the present times. I don't think I can be alone with myself like that again. 

 what can u do when u want to pray for people but u don't really do that

 Just got home. Today's wins are 

I made it through the day without coffee 

I got my scented candles na

Madilim na sa kwarto ko.

Yun lang.

 While I squirm at the idea of having a fragment of myself immortalized on paper, in someone else's art, I am grateful that I am. Memories are not enough, and sometimes, they lie. 

Quick sharing, I actually want to cry alone right now, but I can't because it'll make the mood of the rest of today and I have to be productive. Such is life, babe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I can't bring myself to read the whole thing. The moment my eyes caught that line about one of the characters not graduating because of a back subject, and PE, of all possible subjects, I just couldn't. 

I now feel at peace with being on my own and even prefer it on most days. I hope the same for you if it isn't the case for you yet. 

May bago dito sa crying spot ko. They switched on the lights dun sa Sunlife signage so ayun. Pretty flowers under its blue light that I'll never be able to capture on my phone, but you're free to imagine. 

Sa totoo lang, nilalamok talaga ako dito, but this is the best I have right now. Hidden from everyone's view and I don't have to muffle my sobbing. 

Alam mo, ang sakto lang ng song for the night: https://youtu.be/cSgFrAH7I_U

First line says something about being blue, tapos the lighting here is blue. Probably cliche, pero ayun. Imagine mo na lang. Tapos sana maganda ako sa imagination mo. 

Umaambon pa konti. 

I feel like I'm floating to nowhere again. I can't even cry my heart out to release it. I guess this is how the rest of the day will be.

I think I miss someone.

Sana ma-kidnap na lang ako.

This collage is for you. Sa'yo na lang ako mag-share.

Sometimes I feel like the things that work in my favor are all illusions, like I'm in my own Truman Show. I know that seems so stuck-up and narcissist of me. I'm well aware that the world doesn't revolve around me and that I'm nothing but a single grain of sand on a shore.

Work shouldn't have to suck my person out of me. I should only work enough to be a contributing member of society. 

I wish there were no calendars, so that holidays are no more than a mundane day, that I get to decide when my new year starts, or when my god's birthday is. If I had one. I don't know. 

Actually, I do know. They're currently having fun playing games in the office. I'm alone in the restroom. 

I hope I start sleeping on my bed again next year. It was nice seeing you again. I hope everything falls into their rightful places. I didn't really need this validation but it was nice being told "Alam mo buti ikaw hindi ka social climber" it was also nice being told I'm good at my job.

Funny how 2021 passed by like a wink of an eye, but the three months you weren't around felt longer than the entire year. 

I wonder how many of these people are going home to nobody like me. Ang tagal kong di bumalik dito kasi di ko alam anong sasabihin. I feel sad. Pero wala rin akong energy na ilagay dito. Ayun lang. Merry Christmas sa'yo. 

 I've been a little productive today. Cleaned my ref and folded my clothes. 

It looked like this earlier:

I'm so happy because I've had so much time for myself over the weekend. Nakabawi ako ng tulog and nabawasan din breakout ko sa mukha hehehe. I don't think I'll get to paint my wall before the new year. Lol.

I got my workmate her cat litter but I don't know how to gift wrap it. Yun yung package diyan sa taas na pic. Ang laki kasi. Lol. It's also so difficult to find a purple outfit. 

I don't know what to feel. I've been wanting to get my alone time since last week, which I couldn't do because so many things happened. I'm not mad at my friends, not at all, it's just that it's so exhausting. That conversation above annoyed me kasi fine, I might scroll endlessly on my phone till I fall asleep but lying down on my bed doing that is more comfy than walking around the mall, making conversation and forcing myself to interact when I haven't had a wink of sleep since I got off work. I'm not even hungry. 

Anyway, I got my hair done. Look:

True. I'll sleep na muna. Gnite

 Honestly, right now, I feel so languid and I wish time would at least pause or maybe, possibly stop--and my life along with it. Obviously, there are some things you just don't get in life, this being one of those. I don't know if this is just a side effect of this drink I recently tried or maybe it's the sleep deprivation. It sucks that I'm now seated with this officemate I sometimes consider my office crush, though most of the time, he's really nothing but a stranger. I don't really care much about him. At least not as much as I care about you. I miss you. Typing about you makes me tear up. Lol. 

Good news, I reunited with Ate Wheng earlier today. We went to MOA, and that's why I only got 2 hrs of sleep, but hey, the things you do for friendship, right?

There's been this trend going around lately about how not sharing this sticker on Instagram or Facebook implies one supports (?) rape? And honestly, I know I'm truly, truly against rape but the idea of participating in such irks me. Lol. I talked about it with a friend and she said that it seems performative, and while I agree that it appears that way, I cannot help but remember what someone told me about how intent is innate so we're really none the wiser when it comes what these people's intentions are. 

I honestly just want the day to be over. 

We're also going to have a Christmas party next week at work, and I'm FUCKING stressed, as in I cannot express how much it fucking stresses me out just to think of what to put on my wishlist. I don't really like asking stuff from people I'm not really close with. Asking for favors for things I really need is no problem, but this is just excess. I don't really have anything I want someone else to buy for me. Or at least, it's not something you can buy on Shopee or Lazada lol. 

I feel so floaty and weird. I just want to curl up on my bed and cry. 

I think it's Ryan's birthday. Happy birthday. 

 

I got me a new tattoo! :)