What I Hate

I hate building a connection with you.

I want to hate building a connection with you.

Now you know that I want to own a trailer and park it on Star City so I could sleep in it and have the lights from the park for a backdrop.

You now know as well about my dream of driving my trailer to a beach at night and sleep there. And about how I'd love to take Rihanna's cue from one of her music videos and dance on tables. Kiss someone on a playground while we're on the swing. Drink beer while walking by the highway. Sit on top of the jeep during a trip on a late afternoon. Color my hair something bold.

You've even already met Panwi, that black and white picture of a man I've always feared of as a child from a Tempo newspaper, and the bald guys from an old Eggnog commercial who creeped me out. I also told you about how I've feared those colored pictures and illustrations of quasars and other heavenly bodies.

"What a cutie," you said in between laughing, then you pinched my nose.

I sighed and just blamed myself for having a wild imagination as a child.

You said you wanna build a spaceship someday, and I thought maybe I could help you out. Maybe we could take off when we finish building it together and then put the ship on autopilot while we stare into the vast darkness of the outer space. Then, if quasars and Jupiter would still scare the shit out of me, maybe then you could squeeze my hand.

"I know the fear. But I've learned to take comfort in the same fear," you could say.

Then you'd continue, "I'm with you."

And your hand would have that warmth mine has always longed for.

Fuck that.

I hate that I just might want to build this connection with you. I guess I can only blame myself for having this wild imagination even as a grown-up, and I hate that the most. 

Ang Sagot sa Lahat ng Bakit

Kasi ako 'yung taong pinapababa sa trike kasi dalawa yung pasahero sa likod ko kaya kailangan kong mag-adjust at lumipat sa susunod na bibiyaheng trike.

Kasi ako 'yung taong sinisingitan lang sa pila tuwing nasa entrance ako ng mall o kahit anong pila pa 'yan.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi pinapansin pag umo-order ng pagkain sa karinderya.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi inaabutan ng flyer ng mga promos o house and lot sa mall at overpass.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi nakakababa sa dapat kong babaan kahit na maaga pa lang, pumapara na ako sa driver. Sabi naman nila, para na naman daw pang-megaphone yung boses ko.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi nila gugustuhing makatabi sa bus, na baka kahit yung sa tabi ko na lang 'yung bakante, mas pipiliin pa nilang mag-standing ovation sa buong biyahe.

Kasi ako 'yung nakakahiyang babaeng feeling artistang nagbi-breakdown nang walang sabi-sabi sa jeep, sa PNR o sa trike.

Kasi ako 'yung taong naaalala na lang pag nakauwi na siya sa kanila kahit na may usapang may lakad kami.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng hindi maiisip na magugustuhan kasi ang ang taba ko para sa standards niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng lalapitan at kakausapin lang kasi nangako yung ka-carpool niya ng libreng sandwich sa recess.

Kasi ako 'yung mababaw na taong nadadala na kapag nakikita ko yung likod niya o kaya kapag nakakatulog siya. O kaya naman natutuwa nung napansin kong spicy chicken yung lagi niyang kinakain sa Jollibee at laging merong apple pie ang order niya sa McDo.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng nakakapukaw lang ng atensyon niya kasi mailap ako sa mga tulad niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng naniwala sa mga "sana mas maaga kitang nakilala," atsaka sa "Nakikita ko yung future kong kasama ka," pati na rin sa "ibibigay ko sa'yo 'tong singsing na galing pa sa lolo ko."

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng hindi kayang sumabay sa mga laro nila.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng ini-etsapwera na lang pag nailapat na niya yung labi niya sa akin, at kapag naramdaman niyang tinutugon ko na yung bawat galaw niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng pinapapunta ng magulang niya sa sulok para kausapin, kasi hindi raw makakatulong sa 'growth' naming dalawa kung may mamamagitan sa amin.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng nilalandi nung nag-separation trial lang pala sila ng sabi niyang ex-girlfriend niya

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng lalapitan niya kasi nakikita niya minsan sa akin yung dating naging uniberso niya.

Kasi hindi ako pwedeng tumanggi.

Kasi hindi ako pwedeng mapagod, sino ba naman ako kundi isang hamak na bente anyos lang na nilalang?

Kasi malusog ako, malakas, may buhay na mga magulang.

Kasi swerte ako at may trabaho pa ako.

Kasi bata pa ako at malaki at malawak daw ang mundo.

Kasi mas malalim ang pinaghuhugutan niya kaya kailangan ko laging habaan yung pisi ko at saka, "Hoy, wala pa sa kalingkingan ng kuko ko 'yang kinukuda-kuda mo kaya magtigil ka!"

Kasi wala raw siya sa tamang pag-iisip pa-minsan-minsan kaya kailangan kong intindihin na lang kung bigla niyang maisipang ibitin ako ng patiwarik o kaya hampasin ng kung ano'ng mahawakan niya sa gitna ng kalsada, at kung magkapasa-pasa man o paso o kung 'di ako makahinga pag nasiko niya ako, kailangan kong maniwalang nakakagaling yung pang-isang libo niyang "sorry, di na mauulit."

Kasi kailangan kong ibigay at ibalik yung mga bagay na hindi ko naman naranasan sa kanya, bilang utang na loob.

Kasi kailangan kong intindihin na oo, mahal ka nun, pero wait, wait, wait! Kailangan ko munang dumaan ng isang milyong obstacle course para makita 'yon! ♡

Not For The Movies

I wish I didn't forget it meant nothing every time you rest your head on my shoulders and play with my fingers, and then I drown in your scent... Because the only something we had was in the way your hands would break away from mine once the lights go back on and the movie ends.

I wish I wasn't stupid enough to forget, but you're so beautiful that I always did.

Me Too

I've had an old man, a family friend, stalk me and threaten to kill himself "out of love" for me. Like, Lolo, what do you expect me to do? Mother your apos?

The funny thing is we reported him to our local DSWD bc he just won't stop the threats.  And we (my dad and I) tried to file a blotter case against him, but some days after, I saw the old man's face again in our very own home. He was getting chummy with us again bc my father came to him in need of money.

All along, he'd give me this stuff and I thought he was just being a galante na tito but tada, there was more to it as it turned out.

I remember how tense I would get whenever I would walk home to and fro school and I would be forced to take the route close to where he lives. My friends would sometimes laugh at me already bc of how 'praning' I'd get, shrugging it off and telling me I'm safe. Well, the old man said he'd shoot himself with a gun in front of me, how am I supposed to react?

But I laugh about this now, comforted with the idea that I'll never have to see him again.

Was I mad at my father for risking my safety out of financial necessity? I don't know. Maybe. Surely, there were other means. Why would he have to resort to asking help from the people we wanted--no, needed to stay away from?

The tragedy was, the other means of financial resource that my dad saw was not very decent, but that's another story. They say you can't have it all. And I never did. But maybe at some point, I was lucky to have had enough and to remain alive and untouched by filthy hands as such.

There

Sometimes, I do wish that I could be physically there for you.

The silence would be real but you would be there in the middle of the quietness with me. Your attention could be elsewhere, but it's okay. . . Maybe that could be the moment when we both could finally be real, even if only for once. Maybe then I would not need to beg for love anymore. Maybe then we both would be at peace. Maybe then I can hold you and feel your warmth. Maybe then I can be enough for you. Maybe this is me starting to get crazy for you that I'm willing to make do with the intangible things you and I are not. Maybe I'm okay with living a lie? Maybe my heart will break for all the things we'll never be.


Maybe I like it better to break for you than for it to not have done anything at all.

11:11

You're an 11:11 wish that's been granted, undeserving as I am.

You will be in every song I hear,

in every sound my lips utter,

in every secret I whisper,

in everything my fingers touch. . .

You will be all the beauty my eyes see. I have my sight set on you, point-blank.

Yes, I will always want it to be you.

a i r

I a m s o t i r e d o f t h i s ,


o f


t h e


s a m e


o l d


f u c k i n g


c y c l e ,








o f


h o w


i t


n e v e r


e n d s ,








o f


h o w


p e o p l e


j u s t s h r u g i t o f f


a n d


s a y ,


" y o u c a n m a k e i t "


o r , " p r a y "


o r , " b r e a k d o w n


y o u r


w a l l s "





a s i f


l i f t i n g t h e


s l e d g e h a m m e r


i s e a s y


e n o u g h . . .





s o m e t i m e s


i c a n ' t b r e a t h e .





andtheneverythingflashesback.howeverythingwentdownhillandhowitwasmyfault.


" f o r g i v e

y o u r s e l f "


t h e y t e l l m e ,


a n d


i


d o





B u t


i ' v e g r o w n t i r e d


o f


f i g h t i n g . . .





" G E T O U T ! ! !


P l e a s e ,


l e t ' s j u s t


g i v e u p


a l r e a d y . . . "

Untitled no. 4

Just goes to show that one really cannot trust eveybody. Mas maganda nang gawin mo kung anong pakiramdam mo ay tama para pag pumalpak man, wala kang ibang pwedeng sisihin kundi sarili mo. Di tulad nang nakinig ka sa iba kesyo kasi mas matanda sila, kesyo kasi mas marami na silang naging trabaho... Mag-iinvest ka pa ng emosyon, inis, galit sa ibang tao. Makakalimutan mong choice mo pa ring sundin sila.

Something

I am torn between feeling excited for the new life that awaits me and feeling sorry for the one I'll be leaving behind. There is no middle ground, just two feelings up against each other and waiting to dominate my mind and heart.

Good times, this life was, but someone needs to stretch her boundaries and learn more.

Untitled no. 3

I've always yearned to be the type of person who intimidates people, who's very serious, intelligent, rational, sensible, logical... Lammoyun?

Pero my friends here made me realize that maybe it's not a bad thing to keep a bit of my childishness inside me. (besides, naturalesa ko na talaga yan lol) After a long day, a friend's childishness can be refreshing naman pala.

Pero i just feel like an idiot. Hahaha. Haay. Random lang. Sarap ng carbonara.

An Open Letter to The One Who Loved Me

Hey,

What if life is not a prison? What if we or our way of thinking is actually the prison?

'I'm never gonna be happy,' you say. It has already been what, 29, 30 years? And yet, you still keep that same old idea of yours? You make me want to hit you in the face in the hardest way possible. You say life is a prison. It's not life that's the prison. It's you everytime you limit yourself. You deserve happiness, and with that being said, of course you can get it. Remember, we make our own happiness.

Ate, there's nothing wrong with loving. And there's nothing to be sorry about. It's always better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, 'di ba? If it was not me whom you confessed feelings to, I will be the one cheering you up and telling you that this is okay. You did nothing wrong.

But then, talking even more is going to be too much to bear for the both of us.

I want to tell you that detaching yourself from the world wouldn't really do you any good. Because there will come a time when you'll have to feel, and when that happens, how are you gonna cope? In the same sorry way you always have in the previous years?

If anything else, shouldn't you be making yourself stronger? Wiser? So that if and when that time comes, you are not gonna be weak if and when you take the next fall?

I'm not saying that preparing for that next heartbreak will make it easier. There is no guarantee for that. But I'm counting on the slight chance that it might. It could. At least, give it a try.

This is not me saying friendship over. No. And I am not mad at you for loving me in the way you did. Thanks for seeing me in ways I never saw, have never seen myself.

But just so you know, I have always known. I was just waiting for you to be upfront about it. I never thought I would be the one doing the rejecting but, you know I don't feel the same way. This is the elephant in our room. Move on from me first, then when you already have, maybe we can be friends again. Just like old times. I will be waiting for my friend. Good night. May God bless you too.

Nak

Your Universe

I want to know where your thoughts lead you when you look away and your blank eyes stare at classroom windows and bus windows and my soul's windows.

I want to break into your world and wreck your walls, see your soul in all its nakedness.

I want to watch you as you take off in bliss to the place only you know, somewhere you feel safe the most.

I want to embrace the dark for you and hold your hand whenever you leave your planet and make your way to nothingness, to oblivion.

I want to get lost with you as you search all spaces within you, visit each of your planets, battle all your black holes and travel your other galaxies.

I want to know your universe and, if you permit, kiss and love each corner and side of it too.

Mother's Day

Do mothers ever stop becoming mothers?

From the moment you had knowledge that a new life would sprout from your womb, you started being a mother. Despite all the hardships, you endured. You fought all the hindrances that came your way. It was easier to just let me go back then. But you did not give me up.

You did not stop being a mother then.

I cannot even begin to imagine how agonizing it must have been to look at me and my father and see the reality of our situation, but I'm sure it must have been hard. You tried your hardest to fight every nightmare, every fear, every struggle... When things were going downhill, you still exhausted your efforts to keep the family together. But then again, it takes two to tango.

You did not stop being a mother then.

You were my mother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my playmate, my karaoke partner, my style icon (and I would remember when we would wear matching outfits), my guardian angel, my security guard, my nurse, my teacher (I know you remember "The cat sat on a mat.", "Jake's mother baked a cake for Jake to take to the laaake!!") I had a happy childhood, and it was all thanks to you. I'm sorry that the price of that beautiful childhood was nothing but pain for you.

You did not stop being a mother then.

You made me understood that you had to leave my side, that we could be together forever if I could accept living in the streets without nothing to eat. It must have been hard for you to leave. But you did for my sake. I have an idea about how hard it was when you were out there looking for a job. You overcame it all with your strength. And you did it all for me.

You did not stop being a mother then.

When dad got into the accident, despite having separated already, you came into the rescue.You assisted and helped him when no one else wanted to. You did it because you did not want me to grow up without a father. Everything that happened and was done to you by dad, you disregarded. Because of me.

You did not stop being a mother then.

For many years, I grew up without you. My dad would label you the "Pari" because whenever you would call from abroad, most of the conversation was about scoldings and what I should or should not do. It got irritating at some point, but then, I understand now. I'm sorry I did not get it before. You could not be with me back then and be a mother like how typical families are, but you proved that you still are my mother with the weight of every word you said over the phone.

Truly, you did not stop being a mother then.

When you found out about what I went through with my father, you went out of your way to save me and bring me to Davao. You risked your job, a lot of money, time, efforts... It was the worst of times and yet, it was also the best of times. I learned that I have another family who can also support me.

You did not stop being a mother then.

High school. We know what happened at the end of high school. You came home to an abyss of disappointments. Words would not even suffice how it must have been for your part, knowing you did everything you could. I'm sorry I was very unfair. But you never gave up. You brought me back to Davao, and supported me. You put yourself last. Your health, last.

You did not stop being a mother then.

I left. Not out of anger, but of suffocation. But when I checked my Skype, who left a message there but you? You gave me your blessing. You forgave me. You spoke to me!

Mom, I'm so sorry that I have been a disappointment to you. That I wasted my life, my time, my potential, and so much more over the past. But thanks for not giving up on me. It pains my heart to know how life is turning out for you over there. I feel helpless. But I want to ease you of the burden of worrying about me (But can anyone really do that? Worrying for their child is forever a parent's problem, I'm afraid.)

I did not understand why you were what you are. Pero salamat. Pasensya kasi hindi kita in-appreciate. Na hindi ko pinatunayang worth it ako. Sa ngayon, I still have some waking up to do. I'm sorry for every rude alibi I provided, for every disrespectful action I did and everything that broke your heart. I'm sorry I did not play your partner-in-crime. Iniwan kita. Aayusin ko muna sarili ko ngayon, mommy, para pag nagkita pa tayo, I will be someone you can be proud of. Walang halong biro, ikaw talaga ang the best mom ever. Given the chance to choose my mother in the next lifetimes to come, you will be my choice. Ikaw lang yata ang makaka-handle sa akin.

Sana maging masaya ka na, mommy. You deserve so much more that what you have gotten. Happy mother's day. I'm sorry. I love you.

You

You're not with me and yet, you are.

You're in every fucking Michael Buble song I hear. And I know it's weird because the song is sappy and happy and cheesy but, here I am, sulking in a corner.

You're Luther Vandross, singing you'd rather be with me even during the worst times than be with someone else in the happiest of days.

You're Stephen Bishop, promising quiet walks, dreams and the world...

You're Usher, urging me to come back, singing how you miss me and how you're sorry and how you want me back...

And with every note, the memory of your heart beating against mine comes up. And all these songs I once loved, all these songs we once listened to together just cuts and breaks my heart.

Every note.

Every beat.

Every time.

Basically

Basically, I'm a cool type of human being.

I don't need to be appreciated.
I don't need to be valued.
I have no need for validation.
Or acceptance.
Or a sense of belongingness.
Or, much more, love.

'Cause, basically, I'm that cool kind of human being.

sunsets and skies

I love you in the sense that I will always remember you when I see sunsets

the fire in your eyes as orange as the sunset sky when I told you we would not work out

the skies' faint flickers of red when I felt the blood trickle down my wrists when I unwillingly let you go

the lamp posts' yellow lights as bright as the sun that blinded me when I walked down the street to your house in the middle of the night

the pale, white clouds floating lifelessly on the sky, as lifeless as I was when I realized I had lost you forever

I always remember that sunsets signifies endings, and I remember how 'us' saw its last sunset

it was beautiful,
you are beautiful,

but this feels like hell.

Untitled no. 2

The tears were shed for both sadness and happiness: sadness in a sense that it was painful to leave my great love behind, and happiness in the sense that it was such blessing to have had that great love even for only a brief period.

I am a body of a lot of souls, of emotions society thought to be against each other, of both good and evil, love and hate... The same way everyone else is.

Not everyone entertained the idea that all these supposedly warring things don't exist with the purpose of going AGAINST each other, but with the purpose of leveling each other out.

I may seem crazy, but this is my Buddha moment. Or one of them, at least. There will be more to come hopefully. So help me God.

Last night (And By Last Night, I Mean The Evening of the 11th of January 2016)

Last night I went to a park with a girl friend without having to worry about curfews and such.

I ate balot for the first time, and found it delicious. Just don't look at the chick.

I embarrassed myself (along w the gf) by making a 'vlog' kuno, where I rambled repeatedly about how beautiful the nightlife in Davao is.

Foodtrip to the max (Not really. I had a budget to consider)

Got one of the best farewell gifts ever

Became at peace with myself and the world

Hated that long jeepney ride because it gave me time to ponder and cry (and I was like, "girl, you're not gonna cry. Nonononoway. Nonononoway you're crying" and poof, it kinda worked)

No matter how tragic something is, when one looks at it from the right perspective, one will see that something good always comes out of everything. And I mean everything. Really. Even deaths. And by deaths, i dont mean literal ones. It may be your soul's too. The good thing about your soul dying is that when you realize you have died and want to change, there will be an adventure waiting for you. And life is all about these adventures, all these moments that mold you into becoming the best version of yourself, all these realizations you pick up along the way

And I'm gonna stop rambling because this is getting cheesy af.

Sayonara, mi amigos.

Untitled no. 1

Stop yourself even when it's hard. Expect the worst to happen.

When did shielding yourself from pain become wrong?

Pag nasobrahan na to the extent na you miss out on everything, even the good ones.

It's hard to re-condition someone's mind if that was how she was brought up for almost all her life.

Untitled

I love you and you loved me,
We fit and match perfectly
There was nothing better other than we
Now, all but a scar was left
Not life, not a soul, not a breath
For when the bullet shot through your heart,
'Twas Death, I realized, who made us part