Missed u. Okay rin yung saglit na ganun, pero di ko naman mauuto yung sarili ko. Ayoko na.

Akam mo bang mahal kita. Yikes. Disgusting. But I do. I'm never going to tell hanggang kamatayan anyway. Gusto ko na lang mawala. Maybe when I muster enough courage for it 

 Alam mo bang mahal kita ha. ☹️ Yucks even I find thus corny but it is what it is. Alam na ng buong mundo siguro pero sa'yo ko lang di sasabihin lol 

Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero nanghihina na ako tsaka ayoko nang makadagdag. 

Okay lang naman. Wala namang kwenta lahat. Oo.

Sa totoo lang I kind of want to take it back, pero when I do call back, what is there to say? I don't want to waste anyone's time. Wala naman akong makabuluhang masasabi. Mas mainam pa ngang magmukmok na lang ako.

Ayoko na talaga. Di ba sinabi ko naman, I don't see things ending any other way? This still holds true. Wala namang mangyayari. And it's okay. Some stories end this way. Wala namang tama o mali dito.

Sinusubukan ko pa rin naman, pero di pa rin naman ako nakakalimot.

Basta one day, ganun.

Basta sakaling bumigay nga ako, sana maalala mo ako paminsan-minsan. Na sinubukan ko naman

Sa ngayon di ko pa naman kaya. I mean, I wish I could, pero hindi.

I look shittier.

Is this what growth and aging looks like?

I think I only get uglier by the day.

And I'm scared no guy's ever going to think I'm pretty. And I know I shouldn't want anyone else's validation, but right now, it would be nice to feel wanted.

While I don't miss my ex, it would be nice to have someone I can be intimate with–and I don't [solely] mean sex. I miss being in a relationship. I know I'm not in tiptop shape (yet), but this is how I feel right now.

I know what's right, okay? Pero parang okay ring magkamali paminsan-minsan. Baka kaya pala nagtitiyaga yung iba sa kakapiranggot na atensyong nakukuha nila, kasi minsan mas mainam na yung ganun kesa wala. Kahit mali. Kasi kahit ayos lang naman madalas, minsan kailangan din ng pantawid gutom.

Nakakalungkot ding mag-isa.

I've been told many times over and by many people to not show everyone my vulnerability, that not everyone deserves it, but it's about to spill and I don't have anyone. Just you. Lol. Sorry. 

I need a real person, an actual friend. But it's okay. I won't always have people right by.

I want to shut down. I feel like shit. Sana nga pagpapaka-edgy lang yung ganitong lungkot, pero alam mo ba yung lungkot na parang gusto mong hugutin yung puso mo sa sobrang sakit, yung parang ganun lang yung makakapagpatahan sa akin. 

These days, tuwing sinasabi kong okay lang mabuhay mag-isa kapag tinatanong nila ako kung kumusta yung ganito, it's not really okay. Ang lungkot. 

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa.

Bakit ba hindi na lang ako nagkaroon ng buhay na gaya dun sa mga nababasa o napapanood ko? Parang ang hirap namang sumugal sa posibilidad lang, kasi in reality, I can die a miserable fuck.

I can't even sleep. I can't sleep these thoughts away.

 hello im on my second day today sa period ko and i feel so sad bampira ba ako because i crave humans char i crave human interaction outside the office. i feel like im just dragging my body to the office and i dont want to work at all tapos di pa ako crush ng crush ko pero ayon ang sad sad sad supre sad i dont want to work at all coffee is not doing anything so is food so is the internet so is binge watching random shows am i supposed to sleep it all away but what about during my waking hours :c i feel so sad so so so sad i miss my friends i miss going out with them why am i supposed to be alone :c why :c why have i always been alone i feel so sad :c

I don't get it anymore. I don't see it happening for me anymore.

I think mas lumiit mundo ko.

I don't know how dating works anymore. 

I lose more people day by day. This makes me feel so sad. 

 Ang bigat ng araw na 'to. Gusto kong magtirik ng kandila.

Naisip ko lang, magkano kaya ako? Pag ba sinaktan yung kalahati ng katawan ko magkakahalagang limang daan na ba yon? Tapos pag may inabutan ng limang daan para patayin ako, sapat na ba yon? Ganon lang ba halaga ko? Ang hirap magbasa tungkol sa martial law :c

 I'm having a hard time breathing and I can't take a nap din bc of caffeine I feel so restless I don't feel ok. im really trying to feel okay, I'm scared na maulit yung parang lumulutang ako at humihiwalay yung consciousness ko sa katawan ko na nakatitig lang ako sa screen ko for hours tapos I felt frozen I think it's close. Sana di matuloy. I really am trying to be okay. I feel fucking sad. 

I hate looking back at the risks I've taken where I looked stupid because I know I was really trying then. I hate looking stupid when I actually try. Wala naalala ko lang. 

I wanna cry. I dyed my hair again, mixed Paprika Power and Chestnut brown cellowax, but it only made my hair even more orange 

 I didn't really think I'd last this long, and I don't know who you are exactly, but I could not have made it without you. I hope you're doing okay. Honestly, I'm not doing that well recently, but I will cope. As I have the past few months this year, and I hope I get by okay. And I hope the same for you. 

Hi.

I kind of wanna talk, but I also kind of don't want to. I'm back to feeling drowsy in the mornings. I don't know how I'm still going, given my history, but here I am.  I don't think I can reach out to any of my friends. It's tiring to talk. And I think we all need space. I tried going on dating apps again, just to ease the boredom, but I'm not on it much. So much to say, but silence will have to suffice for now.

Try listening to Moses Sumney's "Don't Bother Calling", such a nice song. Maybe it's not your kind of music, though. 

Come back soon. I think I want to hear back from you. 

I know it's just 8AM where I am, but I follow a different time zone. It's really none of your business, but I regret how I lived this day. I regret how I spoke to the people around me. I don't think I still want to exist.

There's nothing else I wanna do more than delete myself. 

Today's playlist:

I Know I Know I Know - Homeshake

So Tired - Crumb

A Dream With a Baseball Player - Faye Webster

If You're Going to Break Yourself - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

Can't Stop Staring At The Sun - Patrick Watson

Better Distractions - Faye Webster

 September has come, and sadness along with it. 

Sigh. 

 i hope ryan is ok seriously :(