Am I okay? I'm not sure. Nakakapanibago lang na it doesn't feel as heavy right now like it used to. It doesn't feel right, honestly. 

To that one consistent view on all my blogs, thank you. I hope 2021 gets better for you, if 2020 wasn't. Thanks for sticking around. I hope we become friends. Or not. I don't know. 

If you've ever read my blogs from top to bottom, then yeah. I owe you big. It's nice to know that whatever shit I have to say, there's always going to be that constant stranger reading, somewhere in this world. Thank you for wasting your time on this waste of space on the internet. It may not have meant anything for you, but it means a lot to me. I'm not sure if I know you, but I say this with my whole heart: I love you. :)

I have more thoughts, but I'll continue them later. I need to get back to work. Lol. 

[11:27 PM, 12/31/2020]

I thought I was okay. I even put on makeup. Why am I crying. Again. 

[11:55 PM, 12/31/2020]

actually di pala ako ok pero pagod na ako sabihing hindi ako ok?

Man I want to fuck. Guess I'm not as averse to sex like I thought I was. 

FUCK. GUSTO KO NG KARAT

 I am not pregante, but I keep dozing off instead of finishing all the tasks I planned to do. And I feel so weak. And cramps.

And I don't wanna take meds for this. I just want to hole up in my room.

I miss birthday boy slightly.

I don't know what I need. A hug, maybe. Ya girl's getting touchy a little more than usual these days. Also, that ube cake from red ribbon is shit. 

Baka physical touch yata talaga love language ko, aside sa quality time lolol

 ok about my last blog entry, syempre may utak naman ako kahit maliit aware naman akong di ko pwede sisihin yung cosmos in case it happens (which i doubt din) kasi it was my choice anyway 

i feel like shit <3 <3 *throws glitters or whatever* 

i can feel some people cutting me off and idk idk kakabother din. papalapit na christmas. so im gonna meet up with someone this coming weekend? i have a strong feeling tho na iiyak lang ako imbes na ma-horny at makipagsex haha :))))))) alam kong gusto kong umiyak at hindi ako okay pero bakit ayaw lumabas ahahahhaa <3 <3 <3 

i think gusto ko uminom right after this shift. sinabi ko nang di muna ako iinom para iwas kalat pero di ko na kinakaya tong wala akong maramdaman ahahaha parang mali na hahahahaha or... di lang ba ako sanay na di ako souper sad, and this is me trying to get myself to feel something again (sadness particularly), bc it's what i know?

kadiri ko :)))))))))))))))))))))

nararamdaman ko nang babalik ako sa time na parang pakiramdam ko lumulutang ako tas walang nagmemake sense sa mga nangyayari at paligid ko hinihintay ko na lang :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

pero kadiri nga ako i hate myself yucks the dumb things i do i'd take it all back if i could :))))))))))))

it's easy to say i wouldnt (take everything back) kasi haha it's nice knowing uve something to give pa rin pero girl at this point the clownery is pathetic na :)))))))))))))))))))))

hmm nareregulate ko na ba nararamdaman ko? idk 

i want to burrow 

parang wala akong brain cells lalo lately i dont think i actually want to go out and meet people right now. but ive already set some dates on saturday and sunday :))))))) i suppose i should be ok with having friday and monday all to myself... lamia sa long weekend unta oi

and why are there three views on my last blog entry, thats a little creepy. ex, if that is you, happy holidays. nice of u to check up on me. same old pa rin naman ganap ko sa buhay. im trying to live better, and idk if this place where im at now is better than where i once was. i... dont care anymore about you. i wouldnt wish you harm but i dont care anymore if ure doing better. i could say i wish u well, but... i dont feel anything towards you. lol idk if thats making sense. u meant a lot to me at one point, after all. 

it's nice din naman na mag-isa. this guy im gonna have a thing with, i like that we dont talk a lot. siguro balik ako sa dati na wala na ulit pake. ang bilis ko namang makausad hahaha kala mo di ko pinagpalitan sarili ko sa lalaki ano? then again, whats new. kadiri pa rin ako. 

skl i did something stupid i didnt know u were supposed to apply the bleaching cream on your skin habang dry siya lmaooooooo stupid, stupid girl. anyway...

im never gonna get an answer but in case u, my dear reader, will respond, ano magandang earphones na mura? bumibili na ako weekly eh haha (ah ayan, ex. that hasnt changed--serial killer pa rin ako ng earphones lol) i still keep that purse-something u gave me to keep my earphones in but it's just on my table haha i dont use it. 

wow u know typing all these is making me realize i have fucking moved on from my ex. wow. thats a good thing. a win! yay. kalat ng utak ko. im just unloading everything. 

tama ba ginagawa ko? dami kong pwedeng problemahin ngayon sa totoo lang pero im looking away from all of them ahahaha idk if thats me avoiding them or me thinking that maybe those things arent really worth stressing myself out. u tell me. (but of course you wont because u, anonymous reader, wont ever talk to me... unless????????? jk dont im not sure if i'd actually like that. confiding to strangers feels better. ill talk more about this)

i dont feel as shitty as i did a few mins ago pero ang unproductive ko sa work. as u can see, im typing here instead of doing my job :))))) 

Okay, proper capitalization coming right up... 

So you know how I said there are some people whom I feel have already cut me off/are cutting me off rn. Maybe I should've trusted my gut a little more. Or was it really my gut feeling o masyado lang akong takot mag-open up? 

Then again, as much as they DO seem nice, it just didn't feel like a safe space to share stuff to. Idk. I'm sure I've come across as the TMI-type of person ESPECIALLY in the beginning, when we were all just starting to get to know each other, but I only did that to try to keep the conversation going. I mean, it's not like I can geek out about, what, Star Wars? (I'm not a fan idk shit) I can only share about my personal experiences because those are the only things that I'm sure of (though honestly some of my memories are really fuzzy, but that's another story)

[You know what, screw whatever I said earlier--I do feel shitty, restless, uneasy, etc whatever. It's only caffeine that's keeping me up right now, methinks.]

I'm not sure anymore if I should place the period before or after the parenthesis, so please don't go all grammar police on me here. Thank you. 

I don't feel welcome. And it did feel a little bothersome (eventually) to have been friends with them because we feel this dislike towards some harmless people. It made me feel a little guilty, lalo na since one person we used to talk shit about turned out to be a sweetheart. :( I have read somewhere that friendships that start with distaste towards some people isn't really great. 

Wow, girl. Why are you taking that seriously? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe this is just me trying to justify or rationalizing why I'm losing those people. 

I wish I were a better friend. I hate that I said some things that were off when the subject about that person's future plans came up. I hate that I cried, kasi looking back, it felt like I was making it about me. That was fucking awful. I shouldn't have done. 

Gianna is right, I should hold my liquor. But it's the only way for me to release. Yikes. Ya girl can't deal with her emotions properly. 

What I'm trying to say is those people made me happy too. I wish I didn't have to lose them. I hope this doesn't come across as clingy, but you just know if you're not talking anymore to a person because you're not in good terms. 

And of course, I can't force myself on people who don't like me. 

I could just say that I shouldn't care, right? But I keep losing people, which means that I am the common denominator (yucks does this sound like I'm self-pitying. I'm just trying to type all my thoughts out, okay? It's a process.)

So the common denominator is me. What's wrong with me? Ayon, I'm so OA. Like one other person said, I have so much energy to burn, I seem super enthusiastic (I call myself this as I type here, looking dead lol) I should control my emotions. 

And maybe I shouldn't socialize with new people as much na. Maybe I should just stick with all the people in my life. Sad lang na wala akong go-to people. 

It would really be nice to belong somewhere. (Collectives are rolling their eyes and saying, "Sa masa, bhie", I can just imagine. That is, if I were to tell them this.)

I'm also moody, but I really did my best not to lash out on them everytime I feel like shit. Ah, I'm also insensitive. And sensitive in the wrong ways. 

Now, I ask myself, how do I change those? To which I also answer, conscious effort. (Yiee, ex thank you for teaching me this. Maybe I do wish you well now. Lol.)

I think I need a friend more than a dick appointment this Saturday. 

I wish I could unfriend those people, kasi I don't want them to see me anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself. 

In time, I'll be able to do that. I know I've always had a penchant for cutting people off. (Naunahan nila ako tho, not that I'm competing.)

IN OTHER NEWS, I'm back na dun sa game-ish I've been playing since June! Yay. Parang tama lang kasi dami ko nang nagastos dun, jusko. (This is why I don't play games, because I'm horrible at it but at the same time, competitive. So, I tend to grab at whatever option available to try and get ahead. Which means, yes, spending money.) I could've gotten myself a new laptop but ya girl's bad with money. I need to REALLY change that. (Small win, I don't order food online so much na! And the last time I spend money for that game was beginning of last month! Double yay!)  I still can't play Genshin Impact, nawalan na ako ng gana. Lol. Hirap na rin mag-catch up sa mga friends ko. I don't feel like trying. 

TOPIC NUMBER 3, naisip ko lang na may nagbago sa akin pagdating sa music stuff. I don't care anymore about people's opinion on my music taste. Kampante na ako sa music taste ko. Yay. Di na ako try-hard hipster. And di na rin ako puro RnB (THANK FUCKING GOD). And I don't feel like recommending music anymore to people. Like, I'll just mind my own business and listen to what I like. Pero di ko na feel ipagtulakan yung mga kantang kinababaliwan ko at the moment. Is that a sad thing? Idk if that's because chill na talaga ako o kasi nasanay na lang akong wala naman talagang pakialam yung mga binibigyan ko nun. 

I'm still not sure if the periods should be in the parenthesis or outside. I'm too lazy to switch tabs to look it up. 

TOPIC NUMBER 4, my former bestfriend (who is still a really good friend we just decided to set boundary na with the way we deal with each other + we've also grown apart) so my former bestfriend sent me an email, and wow, I don't have the energy to reply. It was just a forking greeting. The email has been left on read for days now. I don't know what to say. 

There's also this guy I matched with on OKC that I became friends with on Facebook kasi we have a mutual friend, and he sends long messages kasi we're like online penpals. We don't have casual conversations, we just dump all our replies or the things we want to say in one go. And his message was long. But all that I wanted to reply to was that bit about Ai-ai delas Alas taking a shit at their house. I've also left him on seen for days. I'm too lazy to type shit. 

I also don't feel like going on dating apps anymore. I uninstalled both OKC and Bumble, leaving me with Tinder, which is for ~fast and easy transactions IYKWIM~ but eh. I'm not too keen on hooking up with anyone anymore. I don't even know what I'm going to do about Saturday. I cannot just ghost him, because we're friends. 

I also found another  potential FWB whom I'm gonna ghost because I don't feel like doing it anymore (like I said), and it's scary. Haha. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I won't get attached, because what if the guy's likeable? I shouldn't put myself in situations like that. Better safe than sorry, di ba. 

Is it possible to just lie down and get drunk with someone? (I'm not sure about myself tho, if I still wouldn't want to do it when I get drunk, because drunk me tends to become a little... different.)

Haba naman nito. Sana nakakapagtipa din ako ng ganito para sa thesis ko. 

What am I gonna do for Christmas....

Tutunganga. Just like my birthday. Iinom mag-isa siguro. 

I chose this life. I need to stand by my choices. 

I still want to die. I'm just not ~pursuing~ it actively. 

Kapagod. 

That's enough brain dump for now. Till next time. Hope you're okay, whoever you are. I'd say more, wish you well and all that yada-yada, but I feel drained now. Just imagine me hugging you as I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. That's the most comfort and reassurance I can give right now. 

Ah, one last thing. Am I ready for when we go back to working in the office this January? I'll have to prepare myself for that too. Sigh. 

Hope the days have been kind to you, anon. Take care. Kung pagod ka rin, hurray for solidarity. 

PS. Posting this here for safekeeping

Validation ba 'to? Idk. It made me feel good the first time I read it. It's not working now, but it might work a little later. 

PPS. Re-reading this and dami kong kulang-kulang na words. And grammatical errors na rin. Ayoko nang ayusin. Gusto ko ng strawberry bagoong. Sad. 

Gusto kong mag-impake at matulog sa buhanginan. Sa dalampasigan, hindi construction site, okay. 

Bigat ng katawan ko. 

Kung may bago man tayong readers dito, siguro ang weird nga na kinakausap ko sarili ko. But it's what's best for me. If I talk to people, nagiging selfish ako kasi I make it about me. So okay nang i-dump ko lahat dito para di na ako masyadong makipag-usap sa mga tao.

Kung mapapansin mo, di gaanong madami entries ko nung November kasi may (mga) kausap ako. Dapat pala minaintain ko 'to. Conscious effort.

Gusto kong magbreak for one week tapos tutunganga lang ako. Ayoko nang bumalik sa work. My lunch break is about to end. Gusto kong matulog na lang.

I need to mop the floor. I miss going to the cinema. Going out alone is so much better than my life now. As much as I know how to enjoy solitude, I do not like this.

I miss drinking alone sa labas ng Acacia Hotel.

Kapagod talaga.

FKJ's Ylang-ylang is playing, and you know what it's making me wish for right now? To sleep with someone and cuddle. Like seryosong tulog lang.

Drained ko grabe. 

PPPS. Ito na ata yung sinasabi nilang "that pleasant surprise when you rediscover an old song you like. It's this song. How timely. Nakahiga ako sa sahig, in the middle of my messy room. It's making me think of this person I've been disgustingly pining for. Yucks. I also wish I had a keyboard so I could learn this song and play and sing it. Gusto kong matuto mag-keyboard/s shit, but takot din akong pag bumili ako, baka di ko panindigan. 

PPPPS. Happy thought, ang comfortable talagang mag-panty at oversized t-shirt lang sa pambahay. Kung lalaki ka anon, bahala ka. 

Sarap ng Spanish-style sardines. Ang dugyot siguro na I'm eating it straight from the can, pero that's how much I have this space all to myself. Lol. Gusto ko nang punuin yung ref/fridge ko ng pagkain.

Napapadalas na rin pagtu-tweet ko. Dapat ko na ulit bawasan socmed activity ko. 

Another fleeting thought, all deez exfoliation shit pero wala namang hahaplos sa akin. Chos. 

Hay. Work na ulit. Kapagod. 

P to the nth power S. Cute talaga ng crush ko, saet sa heart onti. Ambaby gago. The guy kept going on about how he does not want me to feel shitty about it in the future, well you know, I'd rather we pushed through with it kasi it does not change that I feel like shit about it right now. Better to have tried and feel like shit than to not have tried at all AND STILL feel like shit. Or I don't know. 

Sino ba yang Cousin From Baguio na yan, pa-reto nga. Charet. 

God, I wanna delete myself. Fuck. 

I don't fucking understand why I'm so hung up on this guy I'm disgusted at myself already honestly. 

Okay. Time stamp,  3:09 AM. I'm fucking crying over this guy. Make it make sense. Why am I being like this. It's so disgusting. It's so fucking disgusting. 

~***~

Hi, it's me again. I just wonder bakit tumitigil yung mundo pag holidays? Why do a lot of people assume that everyone has someone to be with during the holidays? I have friends offering their place for Christmas, but the pandemic is making it hard. 

~***~

I'm highly aware that I get easily attached, and it's a fucking flaw. I fucking hate it. I've been trying my damned hardest to avoid this. 

papangunahan ko na yung cosmos, since it loves playing a joke on me. haha. ang tagal ng period ko ha? ang lala ng ganap kung mabuntis ako dahil dun sa nangyari. tangina naman. hahaha. feeling ko naman baog ako pero tangina lang pag nangyari yan, sobrang pananadya na yan. hahaha. :)))

 I think it could've been anyone else. I was just a glitch in the matrix, I was the one who was always around. I need to drill these in my head. But I'm fucking sure if they ask again, I'm going to say yes. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown...........................................................................................................

Some stupid decisions are worth it. 

Ang bobo, pero I want to hang out with him again. He felt, feels safe. 

I really, really am over my ex, but this makes me wish we never broke up so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. Then again, kilala ko sarili ko. I've always enjoyed treading unfamiliar waters. Ha ha ha. 

Naisip ko na baka kaya lang siya ~masaya and, *cough cough* magical~ was because of the alcohol, but we've hung out sober and it wasn't bad. I enjoyed his company. 

I've had tons of ugly thoughts. I hoped for a chance. IDK. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD KADIRI KO. FUUUUUUUUUCK

Why are feelings??????????????????????????? I archived our convo already so that I won't make the mistake of sending him a message by accident, but it'll still notify me when he chats. It's not like I don't check the chatbox. Just clown tingz. 

I've been trying to look at other people pero I really hate how when I like someone, ayun na yon. GOD DAMN IT. GOOD FUCKING GOD. 

I was, am willing to settle for whatever morsel of him that he can give, honestly. And I appreciate that he doesn't want me to feel like shit when it's all over. :( 

be my sadboi :( and then maybe we could try being happy with the small things the world can offer :( 

UGH ANG CORNY I FUCKING HATE IT. WELL HELLO SPECTATORS, YOU ARE NOW SEEING CORNYATHENISMS AT ITS CORE GOOD FUCKING GOD

I'm still holding back at this point. Imagine? Sometimes, it feels good to be reminded that I do have something to give. Just when I thought na said na said na ako, hindi pala. Meron pa pala. It's just sad that he won't take it. 

Nananahimik na ako sa sulok eh, tanggap ko na in case abutin ako ng ilang taon na mag-isa o kahit for the rest of my life na, tapos biglang ganito? Bakit ang rupok-rupok ko rold

I could've worded all of this better and tried to sound poetic, but you know what?? I won't. Let me breathe. 

Also, maybe okay na rin 'tong mag-isa muna nga ako. I still don't really like what I am. Nakakapagod nga sigurong i-share yung sarili mo sa ibang tao. And the frequent rejection and misunderstandings. 

For starters, he's out of my league, anyway. 

I'll leave my door slightly open for when someone tries to come in, and I will be nice and offer them tea. I'm certain there will be a tiny voice at the back of my head that will compare those strangers to that one stranger I'm pining for right now, but eh. Bahala na. 

I hope he thinks of me on some nights. And maybe consider me too. Idk. It'll be too much to ask for him to think of me at least once on the daily, but I hope he remembers me sometimes. And I hope he asks himself what if, and I hope that maybe all those times put together would be enough for him to reconsider. 

And I hope we'd never have to rely on liquid courage, because I know I don't have to. 

I hope it wasn't only physical, but if it was, then there's nothing I can really do about it. 

I hope it's just not me wondering what if. 

So, lol, me being the cheesy piece of shit that I am, went and listened to H.E.R.'s "Could've Been", and should I even assume that we could have been when there's a huge chance it was purely physical? He says he's drawn to me, but idk. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

Pero ugali ko kasing mag hold on till im completely crushed tho. 

ANG IRONIC LANG KASI NAALALA KO OCTOBER 3RD POST KO. AND NOW THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. 

TANGINA MO UNIVERSE TANGINA MO TANGINA MO

   

so why can't it be me, right? 

yucks. i did not stay chill the entire year just to end up in this same spot. i keep on wanting to bang my head against the wall every minute of the day. ive reflected on what ive done, and im fully aware it was disgusting. im just lucky they're nice about it, but that still does not take away how i ended up becoming like the people i disliked. yucks. 

im lucky to have my friends who tell it as it is. they keep me grounded. i just need to listen. self-control, babes. self-control. 

in other news, ive been feeling like shit lately, and i have a feeling im gonna crash again :))))))))))))) so i went and reached out to a friend who lives close by and we hung out for a bit. coffee also worked. maybe im gonna take a bath today. i havent done so for 3 days now. haha. i cannot function. :)))) <3 ive also been drinking at work lately which is of course, BAD, but i put an end to that drinking streak today. 

i cant have friends. i think it's best to keep to myself.