it was a relief that i was able to function yesterday and do my job well, but now, i feel so meh and hopeless.
so many things i still dont know. im scared that when i leave my boss's place and start living alone again, i just might not hold myself back anymore. i think i wanna delete myself from the world. everyone who said that there's more to life are wrong. there isnt.
it's just like this. you endure and endure. next thing you know, you're already dead.
i hate myself. maybe overdosing wont work. it's failed me all those times i tried it. but im still too scared to cut myself. i wonder how i can kill myself.
i was being a bitch the last time, i shouldve endured that throbbing pain in my head. an ex drank bleach and still lived so i guess that wont work. i think i doubled the pills i took and it only gave me a bad headache. i dont need any more torture.
i really dont wanna see blood. hanging would be my best bet. but i cant find anything that can hold my weight. or am i overthinking my weight.
i hate myself.
i hope this makes everyone happy. or if it gives them pain, then good for them. i want them to hurt just as much. basta ako pagod na ako. i'll take care of it soon... hopefully. i just need to plan it carefully.
[edit: fuck me pumps by amy winehouse started playing, and i just thought what if i hold on like them for 5 more years? they died at 27 right? haha joke. ill die when i gather the courage to do it through whatever means possible. naiinggit ako sa mga nakakapaglaslas. baka enough yun na coping mechanism and distraction di ba. idk if im still joking. i remember the first and last time i tried and ibang level ng understanding yung napasaakin nun. i completely understood why people do it, and it all made sense. it's also addicting but im too much of a weakling to do it again.tangina ko
hindi ako makapagtrabaho. ayokong magtrabaho. ayokong kumilos. gusto ko na lang maupo sa isang sulok. im not even drunk.]
my ex would be proud if he didnt hate me right now. im not on social media as often as i was then.
a friend said this but i dont want to harbor any hate towards them anymore. i meant every word in my apology, and that's it. im just waiting on the subpoena. catch me while im still alive lol. they're both well-connected, anyway.
one thing that held me back from killing myself when i was first given the heads-up was that i should take accountability. if i should go to jail for all those i did when i confronted my ex for cheating, then i should be alive and face my shame.
but this need to relieve myself from my tiredness weighs more than accountability now.
i wanna die already. i really do. i fucking give up. i wanna die.
i dont see any reason to continue on. friends are just people. and they're no different from the rest of whom i will never meet. everything (and everyone) goes away eventually. i will be one of that. i love them, dont get me wrong. i would do what i can for them... but they're not enough of a reason. i love them, but i love myself more. and my self is exhausted.
dreams arent enough, as if i have any haha. besides, you can dream to be anything, and in that same vein, you can dream of nothing. so that doesnt really make dreams worth anything, does it?
wow thats an awful line of thinking. is something just valuable when it's not for everyone? of course not.
the nagging feeling of wanting to be something or do something does not make sense to me right now. where does it come from?
why do we dream, anyway? are we all just huddled in misery, and we're using dreams to mask that? to pretend that we have something to keep us going? i have to laugh at that idea. how pathetic?
one might say, "hey, at least, im still fighting for my place." but what's the shame in not fighting? why is there even a need to fight for a place in this world? why cant we just be as we are? because struggle is what brings dynamics in our lives? because kintsugi? if the gods are real, they are so mean. you make us struggle so much just so you can have something to marvel upon and call it art. if the gods are real, you're nothing but a child who had to overcome your boredom by creating a pawn so you wont be alone. but youre nothing but a spectator, entertained with everyone else's suffering.
i was so desperate a few nights ago, that i asked a friend if she believed in god. i was thinking that maybe thats what i needed, maybe life would be better for me if i held on to faith, but nah.
one side of my mind was saying, you argue so well about why you could die, but how about you try the other side of the coin, like about wanting to live?
people should be a good reason to stay. but why is it not working from me? does that mean im that heartless and selfish? why should i stay for them? siguro kaya di ko makita yung purpose ko for staying is because i dont know my value. i dont see the purpose of my existence because i dont know what im worth.
im not worth anything.
friends might say, ure worth something.
i dont need that. what is my worth, anyway? how does one measure their worth? what do i have to offer? is worth = contribution? i dont think its negative to think im worthless. because we all are. tayo lang naman nag-imbento ng konsepto ng halaga para ma-fill natin yung kakulangan natin na mayroon ang iba. kung gusto mo ng mansanas sa hardin mo pero puro talong lang ang meron ka, you have to assure everyone na may halaga yung tanim mo para mabigyan ka nila ng hinahanap mong apple.
but an apple is just an apple, and an eggplant is just an eggplant. they're both going to rot one day. and we can always pick one from another tree or even plant a new tree.
iniimagine ko pag sinabihan tayo ng, "mahalaga ka sa akin."
bakit? paano mo ako ginagamit? lahat ng kaya kong ibigay sa'yo o mo sa akin ay kaya ko ring makuha sa iba.
there is comfort in warmth from people, but the things is, anyone will do. it does not matter if it's just a temporary solace. the idea is, warmth can come from anyone.
kalat ng utak ko.
so walang mahalaga. walang dahilan to live. there is no logic in trying to stay alive. if youre tired, then tap out. there should be no shame in that.
for a brief second, i thought of sharing these thoughts publicly as a way to ask for help, but am i in need of help?
deaths are just nothing but statistics, and we're all just waiting for that time when we add to the toll.
i wanted to ask a friend what's his reason for staying alive, pero ayoko nang mag-drama sa kanya. he told me one time na sulitin ko na habang kaibigan pa kami. nasulit ko na siguro yung pwede kong sulitin. tama na siguro yun. ayokong maging clingy.
pero di ba, on the plus side, at least sure akong di ako dependent. or maybe i am because i still felt the need to ask for his thoughts to maybe see if i can use those as mine.
ang joke ko.
"you have the potential to make beautiful things"
"showing emotions is healthy and okay"
"people love you and appreciate you"
a friend sent me images with these phrases pero di ko ma-grasp yung love. kita ko naman when they allot their time and listen to countless stories, kahit paulit-ulit na rin. pero para akong nag-iigib ng tubig para sa baldeng may butas. ang futile ng love.
nagtaka rin ako, don't i show emotions? ang drama ko kaya. lastly, i am reminded of my disdain for the word potential. haha
pakiramdam ko rin naman, paulit-ulit lang yung naririnig ko. pasok sa isang tenga at labas sa kabila.
para akong lumulutang.
bakit ba natin kailangan maging malungkot tuwing gusto nating magpakamatay? di naman lagi di ba? i was at peace the last time i tried to kill myself.
man i need painless suicide methods
tatlong oras na akong di nagtatrabaho.
am i spiralling down? is this a bad thing? did nothing i say make sense?
i need red bull.
i like your name, you who'll never see read this. :) i saw your name again on my screen, and i just wanna say that i like your name.
galing. nacocompartmentalize ko na ba nararamdaman ko? but it should obvious which compartment takes up the most space. i maybe what people call hopeless, for this train of thought i have.
a few minutes after thinking about how i like your name, and im back to despising myself because im so ugly. im not even worth your time so thanks for giving me a portion of it while you could. EW.
why should partners bring the best in each other? shouldnt u be able to do that on your own, with or without anyone by your side? or hindi naman yan mali, kasi you can hold onto something or someone for a while until you're strong enough to walk on your own? nah. dapat kayanin mag-isa.
i feel numb.
so many things i still dont know. im scared that when i leave my boss's place and start living alone again, i just might not hold myself back anymore. i think i wanna delete myself from the world. everyone who said that there's more to life are wrong. there isnt.
it's just like this. you endure and endure. next thing you know, you're already dead.
i hate myself. maybe overdosing wont work. it's failed me all those times i tried it. but im still too scared to cut myself. i wonder how i can kill myself.
i was being a bitch the last time, i shouldve endured that throbbing pain in my head. an ex drank bleach and still lived so i guess that wont work. i think i doubled the pills i took and it only gave me a bad headache. i dont need any more torture.
i really dont wanna see blood. hanging would be my best bet. but i cant find anything that can hold my weight. or am i overthinking my weight.
i hate myself.
i hope this makes everyone happy. or if it gives them pain, then good for them. i want them to hurt just as much. basta ako pagod na ako. i'll take care of it soon... hopefully. i just need to plan it carefully.
[edit: fuck me pumps by amy winehouse started playing, and i just thought what if i hold on like them for 5 more years? they died at 27 right? haha joke. ill die when i gather the courage to do it through whatever means possible. naiinggit ako sa mga nakakapaglaslas. baka enough yun na coping mechanism and distraction di ba. idk if im still joking. i remember the first and last time i tried and ibang level ng understanding yung napasaakin nun. i completely understood why people do it, and it all made sense. it's also addicting but im too much of a weakling to do it again.tangina ko
hindi ako makapagtrabaho. ayokong magtrabaho. ayokong kumilos. gusto ko na lang maupo sa isang sulok. im not even drunk.]
my ex would be proud if he didnt hate me right now. im not on social media as often as i was then.
one thing that held me back from killing myself when i was first given the heads-up was that i should take accountability. if i should go to jail for all those i did when i confronted my ex for cheating, then i should be alive and face my shame.
but this need to relieve myself from my tiredness weighs more than accountability now.
i wanna die already. i really do. i fucking give up. i wanna die.
i dont see any reason to continue on. friends are just people. and they're no different from the rest of whom i will never meet. everything (and everyone) goes away eventually. i will be one of that. i love them, dont get me wrong. i would do what i can for them... but they're not enough of a reason. i love them, but i love myself more. and my self is exhausted.
dreams arent enough, as if i have any haha. besides, you can dream to be anything, and in that same vein, you can dream of nothing. so that doesnt really make dreams worth anything, does it?
wow thats an awful line of thinking. is something just valuable when it's not for everyone? of course not.
the nagging feeling of wanting to be something or do something does not make sense to me right now. where does it come from?
why do we dream, anyway? are we all just huddled in misery, and we're using dreams to mask that? to pretend that we have something to keep us going? i have to laugh at that idea. how pathetic?
one might say, "hey, at least, im still fighting for my place." but what's the shame in not fighting? why is there even a need to fight for a place in this world? why cant we just be as we are? because struggle is what brings dynamics in our lives? because kintsugi? if the gods are real, they are so mean. you make us struggle so much just so you can have something to marvel upon and call it art. if the gods are real, you're nothing but a child who had to overcome your boredom by creating a pawn so you wont be alone. but youre nothing but a spectator, entertained with everyone else's suffering.
i was so desperate a few nights ago, that i asked a friend if she believed in god. i was thinking that maybe thats what i needed, maybe life would be better for me if i held on to faith, but nah.
one side of my mind was saying, you argue so well about why you could die, but how about you try the other side of the coin, like about wanting to live?
people should be a good reason to stay. but why is it not working from me? does that mean im that heartless and selfish? why should i stay for them? siguro kaya di ko makita yung purpose ko for staying is because i dont know my value. i dont see the purpose of my existence because i dont know what im worth.
im not worth anything.
friends might say, ure worth something.
i dont need that. what is my worth, anyway? how does one measure their worth? what do i have to offer? is worth = contribution? i dont think its negative to think im worthless. because we all are. tayo lang naman nag-imbento ng konsepto ng halaga para ma-fill natin yung kakulangan natin na mayroon ang iba. kung gusto mo ng mansanas sa hardin mo pero puro talong lang ang meron ka, you have to assure everyone na may halaga yung tanim mo para mabigyan ka nila ng hinahanap mong apple.
but an apple is just an apple, and an eggplant is just an eggplant. they're both going to rot one day. and we can always pick one from another tree or even plant a new tree.
iniimagine ko pag sinabihan tayo ng, "mahalaga ka sa akin."
bakit? paano mo ako ginagamit? lahat ng kaya kong ibigay sa'yo o mo sa akin ay kaya ko ring makuha sa iba.
there is comfort in warmth from people, but the things is, anyone will do. it does not matter if it's just a temporary solace. the idea is, warmth can come from anyone.
kalat ng utak ko.
so walang mahalaga. walang dahilan to live. there is no logic in trying to stay alive. if youre tired, then tap out. there should be no shame in that.
for a brief second, i thought of sharing these thoughts publicly as a way to ask for help, but am i in need of help?
deaths are just nothing but statistics, and we're all just waiting for that time when we add to the toll.
i wanted to ask a friend what's his reason for staying alive, pero ayoko nang mag-drama sa kanya. he told me one time na sulitin ko na habang kaibigan pa kami. nasulit ko na siguro yung pwede kong sulitin. tama na siguro yun. ayokong maging clingy.
pero di ba, on the plus side, at least sure akong di ako dependent. or maybe i am because i still felt the need to ask for his thoughts to maybe see if i can use those as mine.
ang joke ko.
"you have the potential to make beautiful things"
"showing emotions is healthy and okay"
"people love you and appreciate you"
a friend sent me images with these phrases pero di ko ma-grasp yung love. kita ko naman when they allot their time and listen to countless stories, kahit paulit-ulit na rin. pero para akong nag-iigib ng tubig para sa baldeng may butas. ang futile ng love.
nagtaka rin ako, don't i show emotions? ang drama ko kaya. lastly, i am reminded of my disdain for the word potential. haha
pakiramdam ko rin naman, paulit-ulit lang yung naririnig ko. pasok sa isang tenga at labas sa kabila.
para akong lumulutang.
bakit ba natin kailangan maging malungkot tuwing gusto nating magpakamatay? di naman lagi di ba? i was at peace the last time i tried to kill myself.
man i need painless suicide methods
tatlong oras na akong di nagtatrabaho.
am i spiralling down? is this a bad thing? did nothing i say make sense?
i need red bull.
i like your name, you who'll never see read this. :) i saw your name again on my screen, and i just wanna say that i like your name.
galing. nacocompartmentalize ko na ba nararamdaman ko? but it should obvious which compartment takes up the most space. i maybe what people call hopeless, for this train of thought i have.
a few minutes after thinking about how i like your name, and im back to despising myself because im so ugly. im not even worth your time so thanks for giving me a portion of it while you could. EW.
why should partners bring the best in each other? shouldnt u be able to do that on your own, with or without anyone by your side? or hindi naman yan mali, kasi you can hold onto something or someone for a while until you're strong enough to walk on your own? nah. dapat kayanin mag-isa.
i feel numb.