Hehe

Why do I never feel enough?

It's also my father's birthday today. Hope you're doing okay. I know I've been coming here less and less. I'm not sure if that's really a bad thing. 

 

Pwede ba to ipaframe haha

 So.

First time kong magka-tamagotchi at gets ko na feeling ni Matt about his toys HAHAHAHAHAH

(Sleep na siya haha)

Iniisip kong bumili ng rubber case nya hahaha di pa ako confident for a watch strap haha 

Parang ito ata ang gusto kong kolektahin or pag investan ng oras ko HAHAHHA

I'm obsessed gusto ko syang kalikutin pero di pwede gisingin ang tamagotchi need nya ng rest

Merry Chrysler!!

 I feel sad kasi it feels like I can't reach or connect with Matt.

 Hindi na worth it magkanda-kuba sa work.

 

Sama ng pakiramdam ko . Para akong lalagnatin.

 Hi.

Nahihiya ako sa parents ni Matt and I honestly want to back out sa paparating na Sabado kasi I feel like I being othered? Na parang inconvenient ko nga na ma-accommodate and I get why naman din, pero you know me — pinakaayaw ko talagang nagiging pabigat sa ibang tao.

Nahihiya rin ako kay Matt kasi parang di na kami gaanong mag jowa ngayon. Iniisip kong maybe something must change sa work ko kasi priority ko rin si Matt. Tinuturing ko siyang extension ng sarili ko. Priority ko ang kung anong nagpapakain sa akin, yes, pero kung umuuwi naman akong feeling empty then is it really worth it?

Work is making me feel like shit. 

 May nararamdaman talaga ako tuwing nakikita ko ad ni Bumi and Ashe pero saka na ako ngangawa kapag may nagawa na haha para di majinx

Made my own pasta 

Regalo ni Matt sa akin dutch oven hehehhehe keleg

Watched The Godfather 2—boring 

Kumain kami ni Matt sa akala ko Japanese resto, samgyup place pala

Capybara from Jenna hehe

Cake from Aj hehe

They prepped for me

Siomai from Mikee 

Belated happy birthday to me 🎉🎁

 

 

Swerte ko sa jowa ko kasi ang thoughtful nya like sya pa may tanda sa oras ng events ko and venue and kanina nagsabi akong penge ice sa coke tapos akala ko nakalimutan nya na which isn't a big deal naman pero paglabas ko from pooping ang bungad nya baso ng coke na may yelo. Honestly mababaw lang sya siguro pero si Matt kasi normally oks na sya sa room temperature na softdrinks HAHAHHAHA so wala lablab ko to thank you po Gad hahaha tapos syempre iba pa yung pagsama nya sa akin to Gina's baby's bday and this work event today. Grabe lang hehe

 I feel like the more I try to put myself out there, the more I feel excluded and alone pero eh. Ang saya kumain with people btw.

Nagpuntang bday ng anak ni Gina 

Lumandi with Matt

Nagpamasahe with AJ

A day!

 Long overdue

Meltdown (where I am truly deep down)

 I tried to walk on the way home but got on a jeepney sa bandang SM. What does that say about me ano? I don't feel like myself.

 Good fucking gracious, I am loved.

 Alam ko di dapat inaannounce pero gusto ko na mamatay

 with all the good things that have happened today, i don't really feel happy.

I just feel tired.

Maybe this is just my fear of feeling happy and nice only to then crash from the high. I just feel bad.

I sent these to Matt and asked if he gets FOMO since ako nga first GF nya, and man, his answer sort of pulled me out of the funk

Hmm. Also, this helped me power through yesterday:

 

 I feel like it's hard, if not impossible, to go back to who I was before everything went downhill, and it's prolly difficult because I don't exactly know where things went south. On the other hand, I wholeheartedly believe that it's doable to attain a sense of self that's tolerable for yourself. It's not the same as regaining my old self, but I can't hate the parts of me that have matured.

Anyway, not to self-diagnose, but I think I feel depressed. I also feel detached from things or people I'm not supposed to.

I don't know how to feel okay. 

Maybe I'll be able to process and work through my feelings in the next couple of days. I hope so.