Nagbabasa ako ng listahan ng mga dating kdramas na naiere sa ABS CBN tas isa sa upcoming nila is Judy Abbott. Tapos naalala kita. Daddy Long Legs, ikaw ba yan??? Penge namang pangtustos diyan. Chos. Lol

Anyway nasa tamang pag-iisip naman ako ngayon kahit na unang araw ng buwanang dalaw ko. Mali talaga 'tong nararamdaman ko lololol isa lang 'tong malaking taeng kailangan kong iire. Tama. Huhu hindi ako productive puro lang ako tulog huhu ansaket ng puson ko gusto ko ng matinong pagkain kaso di ko alam ano kakainin ko huhu

Tignan mo pagkain ko hahaha kulang na lang Dutch Mill.

Ayan yung motchi na minamata ng aso ko. Lol. Hindi ko alam anong gusto kong kainin.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=z3lP16mFtro&feature=share

This song always makes me feel sad. Sigh. I don't think I can still write anymore.

I fucking feel so sad and I wanna drink anddd... Ugh.

 I want to feel free again. This pandemic setup is so suffocating.

Also, this song has been playing non-stop in my head: https://youtu.be/JeGhUESd_1o

Parang ang sarap ma-in love nang ganito ah??? Penge namang isang Christian Yu diyan. Lol. If I can't have a love like that, then I don't want it. Do you see how they're comfortable with each other?? 🥺 Anyway, I'm on a week-long leave from work. Hopefully, I'll be productive. Lol lonely twerking

I got vaccinated last Saturday and I had fever for just a day!!!! My co-workers were sick for more days than that. Grabe this guardian angel of mine, really... Baka demonyo talaga nagbabantay sa akin lol. In which part of this little life of mine did I trade my soul for a long life on Earth? Lol.

I want to share something to you pero para na akong sirang plaka, nabanggit ko na rin naman siya sa past entries ko, tsaka nahihiya akong i-acknowledge siya kasi baka mapa-invest ako nang wala sa oras so I'll just pretend I said it in this part. Sana ibigay na ng cosmos sa akin. Lol. Pero baka hindi rin. Pero okay na lang din.

This is the safe route. 

I wish the night was longer.

Maalat siya pero stoko yung texture ng itlog hahahahahha matigas ulo ko nasobrahan yung Knorr cubes na ginamit ko lol

Also, share ko lang na for a time, I was this bad at work: 

Wala lang, I've come a bit far I guess. Lol.

Medyo nagligpit ako today pero tinatamad talaga ako magligpit ng damit ko huhuhu

 Sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa ring gawin yung magdadala ako ng pagkain sa bag ko tapos ipamimigay ko sila lahat sa sinumang madaanan kong may kailangan. Kanina namigay ako ensaymada tsaka lollipop dun sa batang natutulog sa may overpass-ish sa Festival. Minsan, napapaisip ako kung totoo ba yung haka-haka na the beggars are planted on the streets by the syndicate and that it's actually a long-running business, pero kahit na di ba? Sino ba talagang makakapagsabi? At kung ganun man, why would they do that job kung maalwan talaga buhay nila kasi ibig sabihin dapat nun, may iba silang option para makapag-hanapbuhay. Resulta lang din naman sila ng palyado nating sistema.

Anyway, dinagdagan ko ng lollipop yung binigay ko kasi naalala ko nung bata ako, gusto ko rin yung lollipop ng Goldilocks tapos na-enjoy ko naman yun. Sana siya rin. O baka may kapatid siya.

Anyway, nabakunahan na ako and sa totoo lang, ngayong pauwi na ako, it dawned on me na malungkot ako. Naiyak nga ako bigla sa jeep. Hindi ko rin alam bakit. Buti na lang may face mask, kaso agaw-pansin yung buhok ko ngayon. I also bleached my hair and I'm liking it.

Eto talaga gusto kong i-share: ang saya sa feeling yung may ibang tao akong naimpluwensyahan/napaisip. Kasi yung ka-work ko nakarinig siya na may nagrereklamo daw na bakit mas nauna daw mga indigent sa mga A4 na tayo naman daw nagbabayad ng buwis at mas may ambag kumpara sa mga indigent tapos parang banas na banas pa yung tao. Tapos kumatwiran ako na eh yun na nga, sila yung walang access kung tutuusin sa bakuna so bakit sila yung mas pagkakaitan. Kapag tayo nagkasakit, oo, mababaon tayo sa utang pero para sa kanila, baka nga hayaan na lang mamatay yung tao dahil nga sa kakulangan sa pera o access sa loans, etc. Mas wala na ba silang karapatang mabuhay kesa sa atin? Tapos sabi nung kausap ko, oo nga rin, di niya raw naisip yun. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko masyadong sigurado kung may sense ba yung sinabi ko pero ayun. Pero feeling ko may point naman di ba? Mas vulnerable naman kasi talaga sila sa atin? Tsaka di porket tayo yung araw-araw pumapasok sa office eh less exposed na sila. Pwede rin naman kasing may raket sila na kakakailanganing lumabas din sila. Ang paghahanapbuhay naman kasi eh hindi lang yung nairereport mo sa BIR.

So ayun. Masaya ako kasi nabakunahan na ako. Sorry kasi gumamit ako ng kapit. Malungkot din talaga ako. Mas nakakalungkot ding hindi ako pwede uminom. 

Sa totoo lang gusto ko ring dumayo kina Ryan ngayon. Pero siguro mainam na ring wag na lang muna. Sana sa Biyernes. 

Lintik na traffic 'to, naiiyak na talaga ako :( Side effect din ba 'to ng bakuna? 

**

Hello, nakauwi na ako. Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong tanungin, gusto ko lang siyang kausap pero di ako pwedeng masyadong mangulit. Tsaka need talaga ng mga tao ng boundaries. Otherwise, they'll feel smothered. 

 Hindi ako masyadong lulong sa pag-ibig ngayon pero di naman talaga laging ganun di ba? Minsan sapat na yung palagay yung loob mo dun sa tao. Eh kaso hindi eh. Hahaha. Kasi nga lahat kaibigan lang daw sa akin at kaibigan lang din ako eh ano na rin. Pero ok lang talaga. Gusto ko nang matulog pero di ako makatulog. Sana pwede ilipat lahat ng gagawin bukas na lang. 

 

Tanggap ko na, Jane at Wanda. Inaamin kong isa akong abusador na sinusulit jacket ng kaibigan ko at hindi ko pa rin kinukuha yung damit ko sa laundromat mga 3 weeks na lol I think haha

Lamog na lamog na utak ko please lang

 Pagod na ako ano kaya gagawin ko next week

Tinatamad din akong gupitin bangs ko haha huhu grrrrrrrrrr

Update: kinuha ko na labada ko but lol if this ain't me

 Nakakatamad mag exist stoko na lang magkulong

 The yearning has died down. I'm good. Just tired.

 Maybe I just love you, but I'm not in love with you. I hope so. 

Are soulmates true?

Because if they are, you just might be mine.

I don't think I'll ever tell you this, but you're the best person in my life. By far. You've been around from when I still had dreams and till now that I don't have any.

Maybe you're just supposed to show me I can be treated right. Maybe you're just supposed to show me the kind of love I want, but you can't be the one I'd love like that because it's your hand I'll be holding when he doesn't come home at night. It's your shoulder I'll be crying on in case we'll have fights. It's you I'll be calling first thing once we've made up. You'll be the constant in my life, I hope, just as I will be yours.

Just as I will be yours.

Maybe I can't have you the way I want to now because we're supposed to have something stronger.

I'll have to think of it like this to help me sleep at night.

This is not poetry or prose, just another letter maybe that won't see the light of day. Or maybe except for a stranger on this cramped space on the internet.

There's so much of the world we have yet to see, and we are both still young, and they say things might even turn around for me over time, but I can't really delude myself like that. I'm old enough to discern that we can't count on possibilities because they're nothing more than that until they happen, and this one's not within my control. You've already said no once, and I don't think you're one to change your mind over things like this, though I still wish you would.

Of course, you won't.

A lot can change in the years to come, but I hope we'll still have each other. It may not be like right now anymore, and that's alright. You said it yourself—when the time comes that we grow apart, I want us to be able to smile at the thought of each other.

I hope you know you have my back, that I'll mourn with you and cry for you and laugh with you, laugh at you, and all that.

I don't understand how you've come to mean this much to me, but you do now anyway. I want the world for you. I cannot pick out the best words to let you know how much I want the greatest things in life for you. So I won't say a thing. And I'll hold back on all these. No biggie. I need to develop restraint, anyway.

But you'll have my time. And you'll have me. It might not amount to much, but I hope it counts for something.

You told me some time last year to pour my feelings out and write to you. I'm grateful for this chance. Here's your letter. I'm sorry it's long overdue. I don't think this will be the last. 

 Can't I have both? :( Please naman, cosmos :( or maybe it's the kdrama. But the yearning is a little too strong today.

 Ang masasabi ko lang ay wala ka talagang mapagkakatiwalaan at gusto ko nang lumaklak ng Neozep kasi letseng sipon 'to, hindi na nawala, and if taking many of those does something else, I won't complain either. This week has been crappy so far for me, and god, I just want the year to be done and over with. Heck, my life can end and I'll be a happy man. 

Umiyak na naman ako sa work today. Ang masasabi ko lang ay pagod na ako ayoko na talaga. Lol. 

Sana ang true love para na lang din sweldo para kahit paano, kahit pakiramdam mo ang tagal-tagal bago dumating, sigurado kang dadating din. Hayst.

Wow, this is really turning out to be such a terrible week. I want to go home and get some fucking sleep. Mukhang magiging daily occurrence ata ang pag-iyak sa office. I'm just so fucking tired. 

Time check, 6:21 AM

Nagsabi pa bago kong manager na if we weren't picky daw sa vaccine pwede niya raw kami ilista. Like who's she calling picky? Medyo nakakairita. Or if grammar lapse yon, ayusin niya. Like good for her, may connection siya at nakapagpabakuna siya. Good for her. 

Sa totoo lang napupuno na ako. Abangan na lang kung ano mangyari. Nawa'y matuluyan na rin kung topakin bigla kasi di na ako natutuwa. Napupuno na talaga ako. Di ko na alam anong gagawin lol

 It's not going to happen, not in this lifetime. And that's totally okay. The person I like will find someone else he likes whom he's going to do all sorts of crazy stuff for. And while it stings bc it won't be me, it's okay. I really need to get a move on. Lol. Idk how. I'm sure this will all die down one of these days. I fucking hope so. 

Naisip ko kanina na parang nakakababae na 'to ah, pero medyo nasa tamang pag-iisip pa naman ako so I can deduce that that is illogical. Ganun talaga, may kanya-kanyang desisyon ang mga tao pero grabe na twoah rold!!!!! Ang tamlay pa ng tteokbokki sa Mr. Park. Ang lungkot!! stoko lang ng true love my god

parang stoko na rin pamigay aso ko pagod na ako

I need to get lotsa stuff out of my system. I know it's not so hard to just hook up, but I don't want to go that route anymore. That doesn't do me any good, and it also only leaves me wondering if I'm good for nothing but hook ups. Lol. Sana balang araw may magmahal na rin sa akin charez ang corny gago 

Ayoko na magwork shuta

Nasabihan ako ng isang kaibigan ko na dapat ko nga raw 'tong tantanan kasi kahit siya raw di niya raw nakikitang mamahalin ko raw yung crushie ko as boyfriend, parang hanggang friends lang daw talaga dapat kami. Siguro nga. Bahala na. Di ko naman pinagpipilitan sarili ko. Ibibigay ko na lang 'to sa sarili ko hanggang mawala 'to. Hanggang ngayong taon na lang. 

TIME CHECK, 4:30 AM. PUTANGINA AMPANGIT NG ARAW NA 'TO TALAGA NAGSWIMMING SA INIDORO YUNG SALAMIN KO YAWA  nakakasad na talaga.

Hi, naglalakad na ako pauwi. 5:48 AM. Nasira tsinelas ko. Hindi ko rin na-hit target sa trabaho. Baduy talaga ng araw na 'to. Naisip ko rin, bakit ko hahayaang invalidate ng iba yung nararamdaman ko eh ako naman nakakaramdam nito? Madami namang nagsasabing para lang daw tropa turing ko sa mga gusto ko. Eh anong gagawin ko???

Tas naalala ko nasabihan rin ako dati na yung bf ko raw parang kaibigan lang din turing ko. Eh shuta??? Anong gagawin ko???

Rold ayoko na pong maging bespren ng bayan pero di naman ako mahilig lumandi. I can only give them my time.

I'm fucking tired na ha.

Nah, I'll get over these thoughts. I'm normally okay. I'm just tired today 

 I had a weird dream. I dreamt this person I like kissed me. God ang mali. Maybe I should stop this break. I think I need to start looking for someone else. I really cannot like him. It's weird because this person doesn't like me back and this is futile. I really should just stop this. Natatakot na ako na baka lumalim pa 'to. Kawawa ako.

One thing I learned is it's the person that matters, and if this goes on, I might lose him. I wish I could share the full details to you, but I can't. Lol you'd laugh at me if you knew. Even I find it ironic and funny that's why when I woke up, I made a mini-facepalm. This is so wrong. I'm just getting more invested here. Speaking of invested, I finished a comic about Spongebob and Patrick fighting and becoming monsters and I also learned about the secret ingredient of krabby patty.

I wish I dreamt of that instead.

 hello sinusubaybayan mo na naman ako ahahah do you feel like youre babysitting me ahaha sorry sa abala but thanks for being there im ok so far. kanfeermd nang hindi ako gagraduate pa pero it ok i really dont want to yet. i hope ure ok too. im rooting for u!!!

 Alam mo narealize I really cannot like that person I like. I really really really really really really cannot like him:(((( Souper sad and also drunk

Hindi pa naman talaga ako ga-graduate this year for sure gawa ng back subject ko na PE. Alam ko namang nagmumukmok lang ako sa sulok madalas and nakikipag-socialize with a select few sa klase ahaha and this will be corny af but allow me this just quick, na-realize ko gawa ng mga kaklase ko na the burden an individual carries can be beaten by a community that cares.

I still want to drink, and I still question my purpose and self-worth, but I don't feel as crappy as I did the last few days. This is so corny but all I want to say is I have more things to feel grateful for than to be sad about at the moment. Life isn't the best, but I'll get by right now.

Honestly, when I woke up earlier, I just wanted to curl up on my bed until it's Monday and I then go to work. I was even just going to open Netflix and binge whatever, but my classmates' messages started flooding in the moment I turned on my mobile data. I changed my mind and got up instead, left for the office right after cleaning up after my puppy. 

My laptop is currently broken that's why I'm using my office computer. I caught up a bit on the activities I missed out on. There's still this translation task that's past due, but I spoke to our head and promised to make up for it on the next episode. 

Hindi ko pala kailangan ng jowa. Ang kailangan ko lang ay tawagin akong bebi ng mga kaibigan ko hmp

 I'm really sad and I want to self-harm. I suppose it's a good think I don't really like physically hurting myself. I don't want to talk to people. I'm waiting for my officemate to leave finish up at work right now, but that's about it. I want to go home and curl up on my bed and I don't think I'd care so much if the world was ending. There was a strong earthquake earlier where I was. I just feel like utter shit, honestly. 

 I have decided to hindi ako magboboyfriend hangga't hindi naaayos ang aking mga ngipin haha baka maaga ako magpustiso sa lagay na 'to. Magkaka-love life pa ba ako nito

 Para akong naiiyak pero walang lumalabas, and so we wait. Anyway, sinasabi ko nga sa'yo ampretty ko kanina hahaha medyo kailangan ko ng validation pero parang hindi na rin

Anyway, bahala na bahala na bahala na

Parang gusto kong uminom

Have I ever recommended a song to u? Check mo to https://youtu.be/U58RIlbGfq4

I like their other song called, "VLS" idk what it stands for but I like it and think of this person I like when I hear it anw gnite slep na me good morning or gnite sau

Edit: I'm back. I've been thinking abt how this unrequited thing is actually good bc it's teaching me not to jump at any possible opportunity to be in a relationship and take my sweet time enjoying myself instead. It gets lonely for sure, pero I'm learning to not flirt back sa mga taong hindi ko naman talaga gusto pero nagpakita ng konting motibo. Haha. If someone liked me for real, they'll do enough to make it known, and if they aren't doing that, then alam ko na. Hahaha. I feel proud na I haven't been going out with guys so much. Tipid din. Hahahaha.

Need ko ng PhilHealth ID para sa GCash ko.

I won't be brilliant, but I just want to live the rest of this little life I have in peace.

Gusto kong uminom at magsoundtrip with a friend I can talk about anything. Tapos may mga masasabi din siyang wala sa script, yung di ko inaasahan. 

I forgot I uploaded this earlier this year. This will be lengthy. I'm so fat but who else will see this, right?

https://youtu.be/6O825H-9388