Untitled no. 4

Just goes to show that one really cannot trust eveybody. Mas maganda nang gawin mo kung anong pakiramdam mo ay tama para pag pumalpak man, wala kang ibang pwedeng sisihin kundi sarili mo. Di tulad nang nakinig ka sa iba kesyo kasi mas matanda sila, kesyo kasi mas marami na silang naging trabaho... Mag-iinvest ka pa ng emosyon, inis, galit sa ibang tao. Makakalimutan mong choice mo pa ring sundin sila.

Something

I am torn between feeling excited for the new life that awaits me and feeling sorry for the one I'll be leaving behind. There is no middle ground, just two feelings up against each other and waiting to dominate my mind and heart.

Good times, this life was, but someone needs to stretch her boundaries and learn more.

Untitled no. 3

I've always yearned to be the type of person who intimidates people, who's very serious, intelligent, rational, sensible, logical... Lammoyun?

Pero my friends here made me realize that maybe it's not a bad thing to keep a bit of my childishness inside me. (besides, naturalesa ko na talaga yan lol) After a long day, a friend's childishness can be refreshing naman pala.

Pero i just feel like an idiot. Hahaha. Haay. Random lang. Sarap ng carbonara.

An Open Letter to The One Who Loved Me

Hey,

What if life is not a prison? What if we or our way of thinking is actually the prison?

'I'm never gonna be happy,' you say. It has already been what, 29, 30 years? And yet, you still keep that same old idea of yours? You make me want to hit you in the face in the hardest way possible. You say life is a prison. It's not life that's the prison. It's you everytime you limit yourself. You deserve happiness, and with that being said, of course you can get it. Remember, we make our own happiness.

Ate, there's nothing wrong with loving. And there's nothing to be sorry about. It's always better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, 'di ba? If it was not me whom you confessed feelings to, I will be the one cheering you up and telling you that this is okay. You did nothing wrong.

But then, talking even more is going to be too much to bear for the both of us.

I want to tell you that detaching yourself from the world wouldn't really do you any good. Because there will come a time when you'll have to feel, and when that happens, how are you gonna cope? In the same sorry way you always have in the previous years?

If anything else, shouldn't you be making yourself stronger? Wiser? So that if and when that time comes, you are not gonna be weak if and when you take the next fall?

I'm not saying that preparing for that next heartbreak will make it easier. There is no guarantee for that. But I'm counting on the slight chance that it might. It could. At least, give it a try.

This is not me saying friendship over. No. And I am not mad at you for loving me in the way you did. Thanks for seeing me in ways I never saw, have never seen myself.

But just so you know, I have always known. I was just waiting for you to be upfront about it. I never thought I would be the one doing the rejecting but, you know I don't feel the same way. This is the elephant in our room. Move on from me first, then when you already have, maybe we can be friends again. Just like old times. I will be waiting for my friend. Good night. May God bless you too.

Nak

Your Universe

I want to know where your thoughts lead you when you look away and your blank eyes stare at classroom windows and bus windows and my soul's windows.

I want to break into your world and wreck your walls, see your soul in all its nakedness.

I want to watch you as you take off in bliss to the place only you know, somewhere you feel safe the most.

I want to embrace the dark for you and hold your hand whenever you leave your planet and make your way to nothingness, to oblivion.

I want to get lost with you as you search all spaces within you, visit each of your planets, battle all your black holes and travel your other galaxies.

I want to know your universe and, if you permit, kiss and love each corner and side of it too.

Mother's Day

Do mothers ever stop becoming mothers?

From the moment you had knowledge that a new life would sprout from your womb, you started being a mother. Despite all the hardships, you endured. You fought all the hindrances that came your way. It was easier to just let me go back then. But you did not give me up.

You did not stop being a mother then.

I cannot even begin to imagine how agonizing it must have been to look at me and my father and see the reality of our situation, but I'm sure it must have been hard. You tried your hardest to fight every nightmare, every fear, every struggle... When things were going downhill, you still exhausted your efforts to keep the family together. But then again, it takes two to tango.

You did not stop being a mother then.

You were my mother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my playmate, my karaoke partner, my style icon (and I would remember when we would wear matching outfits), my guardian angel, my security guard, my nurse, my teacher (I know you remember "The cat sat on a mat.", "Jake's mother baked a cake for Jake to take to the laaake!!") I had a happy childhood, and it was all thanks to you. I'm sorry that the price of that beautiful childhood was nothing but pain for you.

You did not stop being a mother then.

You made me understood that you had to leave my side, that we could be together forever if I could accept living in the streets without nothing to eat. It must have been hard for you to leave. But you did for my sake. I have an idea about how hard it was when you were out there looking for a job. You overcame it all with your strength. And you did it all for me.

You did not stop being a mother then.

When dad got into the accident, despite having separated already, you came into the rescue.You assisted and helped him when no one else wanted to. You did it because you did not want me to grow up without a father. Everything that happened and was done to you by dad, you disregarded. Because of me.

You did not stop being a mother then.

For many years, I grew up without you. My dad would label you the "Pari" because whenever you would call from abroad, most of the conversation was about scoldings and what I should or should not do. It got irritating at some point, but then, I understand now. I'm sorry I did not get it before. You could not be with me back then and be a mother like how typical families are, but you proved that you still are my mother with the weight of every word you said over the phone.

Truly, you did not stop being a mother then.

When you found out about what I went through with my father, you went out of your way to save me and bring me to Davao. You risked your job, a lot of money, time, efforts... It was the worst of times and yet, it was also the best of times. I learned that I have another family who can also support me.

You did not stop being a mother then.

High school. We know what happened at the end of high school. You came home to an abyss of disappointments. Words would not even suffice how it must have been for your part, knowing you did everything you could. I'm sorry I was very unfair. But you never gave up. You brought me back to Davao, and supported me. You put yourself last. Your health, last.

You did not stop being a mother then.

I left. Not out of anger, but of suffocation. But when I checked my Skype, who left a message there but you? You gave me your blessing. You forgave me. You spoke to me!

Mom, I'm so sorry that I have been a disappointment to you. That I wasted my life, my time, my potential, and so much more over the past. But thanks for not giving up on me. It pains my heart to know how life is turning out for you over there. I feel helpless. But I want to ease you of the burden of worrying about me (But can anyone really do that? Worrying for their child is forever a parent's problem, I'm afraid.)

I did not understand why you were what you are. Pero salamat. Pasensya kasi hindi kita in-appreciate. Na hindi ko pinatunayang worth it ako. Sa ngayon, I still have some waking up to do. I'm sorry for every rude alibi I provided, for every disrespectful action I did and everything that broke your heart. I'm sorry I did not play your partner-in-crime. Iniwan kita. Aayusin ko muna sarili ko ngayon, mommy, para pag nagkita pa tayo, I will be someone you can be proud of. Walang halong biro, ikaw talaga ang the best mom ever. Given the chance to choose my mother in the next lifetimes to come, you will be my choice. Ikaw lang yata ang makaka-handle sa akin.

Sana maging masaya ka na, mommy. You deserve so much more that what you have gotten. Happy mother's day. I'm sorry. I love you.

You

You're not with me and yet, you are.

You're in every fucking Michael Buble song I hear. And I know it's weird because the song is sappy and happy and cheesy but, here I am, sulking in a corner.

You're Luther Vandross, singing you'd rather be with me even during the worst times than be with someone else in the happiest of days.

You're Stephen Bishop, promising quiet walks, dreams and the world...

You're Usher, urging me to come back, singing how you miss me and how you're sorry and how you want me back...

And with every note, the memory of your heart beating against mine comes up. And all these songs I once loved, all these songs we once listened to together just cuts and breaks my heart.

Every note.

Every beat.

Every time.

Basically

Basically, I'm a cool type of human being.

I don't need to be appreciated.
I don't need to be valued.
I have no need for validation.
Or acceptance.
Or a sense of belongingness.
Or, much more, love.

'Cause, basically, I'm that cool kind of human being.

sunsets and skies

I love you in the sense that I will always remember you when I see sunsets

the fire in your eyes as orange as the sunset sky when I told you we would not work out

the skies' faint flickers of red when I felt the blood trickle down my wrists when I unwillingly let you go

the lamp posts' yellow lights as bright as the sun that blinded me when I walked down the street to your house in the middle of the night

the pale, white clouds floating lifelessly on the sky, as lifeless as I was when I realized I had lost you forever

I always remember that sunsets signifies endings, and I remember how 'us' saw its last sunset

it was beautiful,
you are beautiful,

but this feels like hell.

Untitled no. 2

The tears were shed for both sadness and happiness: sadness in a sense that it was painful to leave my great love behind, and happiness in the sense that it was such blessing to have had that great love even for only a brief period.

I am a body of a lot of souls, of emotions society thought to be against each other, of both good and evil, love and hate... The same way everyone else is.

Not everyone entertained the idea that all these supposedly warring things don't exist with the purpose of going AGAINST each other, but with the purpose of leveling each other out.

I may seem crazy, but this is my Buddha moment. Or one of them, at least. There will be more to come hopefully. So help me God.

Last night (And By Last Night, I Mean The Evening of the 11th of January 2016)

Last night I went to a park with a girl friend without having to worry about curfews and such.

I ate balot for the first time, and found it delicious. Just don't look at the chick.

I embarrassed myself (along w the gf) by making a 'vlog' kuno, where I rambled repeatedly about how beautiful the nightlife in Davao is.

Foodtrip to the max (Not really. I had a budget to consider)

Got one of the best farewell gifts ever

Became at peace with myself and the world

Hated that long jeepney ride because it gave me time to ponder and cry (and I was like, "girl, you're not gonna cry. Nonononoway. Nonononoway you're crying" and poof, it kinda worked)

No matter how tragic something is, when one looks at it from the right perspective, one will see that something good always comes out of everything. And I mean everything. Really. Even deaths. And by deaths, i dont mean literal ones. It may be your soul's too. The good thing about your soul dying is that when you realize you have died and want to change, there will be an adventure waiting for you. And life is all about these adventures, all these moments that mold you into becoming the best version of yourself, all these realizations you pick up along the way

And I'm gonna stop rambling because this is getting cheesy af.

Sayonara, mi amigos.

Untitled no. 1

Stop yourself even when it's hard. Expect the worst to happen.

When did shielding yourself from pain become wrong?

Pag nasobrahan na to the extent na you miss out on everything, even the good ones.

It's hard to re-condition someone's mind if that was how she was brought up for almost all her life.

Untitled

I love you and you loved me,
We fit and match perfectly
There was nothing better other than we
Now, all but a scar was left
Not life, not a soul, not a breath
For when the bullet shot through your heart,
'Twas Death, I realized, who made us part

A Piece of Annabel Lee's Heart

Skies beheld; Lo! Its angels have fallen
There, crying, I saw my Edgar Allan,
Mourning the beautiful Annabel Lee
                                  and her lovin'

Midnight Thoughts

'You are not to cry,' said Brain, 'Crying is for the weakest of spirits, the poorest of souls, the saddest of hearts.'

'Are you not blessed? For I have loved you with a love that crossed borders, went beyond horizons and outside nations, through the darkest nights and the brightest days. I have loved you with a love that was willing to forgive all your iniquities and shortcomings...'

And that, my friends, is the very center of my soul trying to talk sense into my shallow self. La dolce vita, indeed.

Throwback Kahit 'Di Thursday

This was me yeaaaaaaaaaars ago. I could almost die from watching this video, partially, because of shame, but mostly, because of its hilarity. Oh, the innocence of youth-- completely unaware of career suicides, embarrassments and the like...

Dito, 2nd year high school pa lang ako. Ngayon, magiging 2nd yr college na ako. How fast time flies.

A Letter for Nobody

To you,

I was made to believe that with our love, I could catch the stars.

It was already too late when I realized that stars weren’t made for catching. They merely exist to give out a soft light when the road gets too dark, and to be gazed upon at night.

In our case, I was that star. I was just another burned out candle in the dark, another treasure to be coveted, and another conquest to fail.

I would never be that light that would brighten up your days, or maybe I could, but like another burned out candle, my flames would just get exhausted and soon die, leaving you lost in the dark. I’m just a sunken treasure; perhaps valuable, but forever never within anyone’s reach.

I know how much you hate losing. You always have to get your way, but this is not a game where winning matters. We both know we’re bound to lose each other… I don’t want to see the day when you’ll be alone and crying for me, though, I never really would see that day, of course.

I don’t really mind losing, but losing you is not a game. As much as I want to keep you, my love for you overpowers all my foolish wants.

I know I have to let you go.

One day, I hope you’ll realize that all I wanted was for your happiness, and everything I’m doing will give you that. At least, I hope so. The first part will have to hurt, that is inevitable, but if I stay with you any longer, it will hurt more in the long run. I’m not even sure if I can stay any longer.

I have to let you go.

Know that I haven’t stopped loving you as I write this letter, and I think you’ll be the last person on earth I’ll ever have feelings this strong before I pass away.

Love,

Me

"Ano nga bang nangyari noon? Ah, tama. Dahil sa di-makatuwirang katuwiran at dahilang 'di mo na maalala e nagtangka kang magpakamatay."

"Si daddy kasi, e..."

"Eh bakit nga ba talaga? Anong puno't dulot ng lahat?"

"Di ko na maalala. Basta, napuno na ako."

"Napuno ka ng ano, hangin? Paano mo nga ba 'yun ginawa? Paano ka nagtangkang magpakamatay?"

"Alin dun? Nakailan na rin ako, e... Maglalaslas sana ako kaso nahuli ako. Bata pa 'ko nun. 'Yun ang una ko."

"Bakit mo ginawa 'yun?"

"Kasi ayaw makipagbati sa akin ni Ate Badet noon."

"Ang babaw. E, 'yung iba?"

"Magbibigti sana ako. Naghahanap na ako ng pwedeng pagsabitan ng tali, kaso kumatok si daddy. Ayoko namang mahuli. 'Di ko na lang din tinuloy."

"Nakakapanghinayang ba?"

"Ewan."

"Yung iba?"

"Yung bigti-bigtian pa rin, kaso laging nauudlot."

"Di pala counted 'yung mga nabanggit mo. May successful ka bang attempt?"

"E di sana di mo na ako kausap ngayon kung meron."

"Yun lang ba pinagmamalaki mo?"

"Di ah! 'Yung latest ko, medyo interesting 'yun."

"Ano bang nangyari?"

"Nag-away kami ni  Daddy. Tinopak ako. Umiyak ako. Maglalaslas sana ako, kaso masyadong madugo. Duwag talaga ako. Pag nagbigti naman ako, walang pagsasabitan nung tali."

"Anong ginawa mo?"

"Naghanap ako ng mga gamot sa bahay. Ininom ko lahat."

"Ilan ang ininom mo?"

"18 lang yata 'yun, e."

"Anu-anong gamot?"

"Halo-halo. Biogesic, Neozep, Tuseran. Kung anong nakita ko, yun."

"Bakit buhay ka pa ngayon?"

"Lumaban kasi ako."

"Nagpakamatay ka pero sinubukan mong mabuhay? Anong kagaguhan 'yan?"

"Nung nagising kasi ako kinabukasan, I took it as a sign that it wasn't my time. So I took it from there. Lumaban ako."

"O, tapos?"

"Sa public ward [?] ako na-confine. May kasama akong matandang halos di na makabangon at makahinga. Naisip ko, 'Kung yung matanda nga, gusto pang mabuhay, bakit ako hindi?' Leche, nakakahiya. Ang makasarili ko. 'Di ko naisip 'yung magiging resulta kung natuluyan ako."

"Halata nga. Masyadong magastos 'pag namatay ka. 'Yung sinabi mong pinagtawanan ka nung mga nurse nung sinabi mong nagtangka ka? Dapat lang 'yun sa'yo. Nakakahiya ka. Ikinakahiya kong nakilala kita."

"Ano kasi, nakakakita ako ng kutsilyo kagabi. Grabe, gustong-gusto ko talagang subukan."

"Bakit?"

"Ewan ko."

"Hindi. Ibig kong sabihin, ba't di mo sinubukan? Oportunidad mo na 'yun!"

"Nangako ako, e. Naalala kong sabi ko dati nung huli akong nagtangka, di na 'ko uulit."

"O, tapos? Anong gusto mong sabihin ko sa'yo? Proud ako sa'yo?"

"Ha?"

"Kailan ka ba magtatanda?"

"... 

Insecurity

It was the fifth of the month and like the usual, we were both on our way home from school. The only new thing about the evening was that another friend was walking with the two of us. Ever heard of the cliché, “Three is a crowd”? Well, not only have I heard of it, but I damn felt it that evening. The sidewalk wasn’t as wide as I hoped it would be, leaving me with two options: either I let you walk ahead of me, making me feel like a third wheel or insist to walk together and then maybe get hit by a ten-wheeler truck.

Of course, I’m not that stupid. I chose the former. And so, the story continues with the three of us walking on the way to where we wait for the jeepney.

“Actually, the book was published way back in the 90’s,” my dear cousin bragged. As if I don’t know that. “The Giver” was written by a Lois (Not Louise, FYI, dear cousin) Lowry. Our friend didn’t share the sentiment with me and seemed to be in awe of everything my cousin said. I don’t know if it was just plain sarcasm on my friend’s part, but it doesn’t matter. That is much better than only having a cellphone (that has even no load!) to keep me sane throughout the evening stroll. Then, a familiar feeling came over me. The whole world suddenly became a blur, and all I could make out were the hazy flashes of lights from the sidelights of the cars that passed by the highway and the figures of my friend and my cousin laughing out loud, talking together.

I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.

I began thinking, “What do I have to do to be like her?” There was my cousin, with this discernible light around her… I’ve always wanted to be like her. I tried to be the crazy one, so that people would somehow notice me, hoping they would love me. But there she was, loved by everyone, and she didn’t even have to try too hard. Then, there’s me—the crazy one, the weird one, the KSP one, the talented one… Some people said she was insecure of me. Maybe she is. I cannot deny this one big truth though, that although there is a huge possibility of her being insecure of me, there is this even larger reality of me being more insecure of her.

I watched her footsteps. What do I have to do to be like her? I thought.

And I continue to think of that up to now.