Several insecurities and anxious thoughts have been eating me up lately and taking up more space in my head more than they should. 

I just question my place in the world. Plus, I'm tired and so fed up. I'm afraid I'm about to hit my limit.

My valentine got me these. Kakuntsaba nya pa mama nya. I can't. 🥺

 

I've been gone for a long while.

I'm back now. I'm also almost on my period.

I realized I'm living the kinder tomorrows I've pleaded for my whole life.

I've been going to the market a lot lately. Pineapple has been a huge part of my "diet" 😌 lol

I still feel like I won't live up to anything. 

I actually feel insecure with myself. I keep comparing myself with my other co-workers a lot lately.

I still don't see anything about my future.

I realized if I had to have a dream, I would want to become a journalist. I like the atmosphere and the stress, and the need to always be on the move. Life has been nothing but unstable, after all.

I also know it's too late for me now. 

I can't find the courage to finish my studies.

I've come to terms with a lot of things I've carried for years.

I'm not sure if I'm turning out well. I'm not sure exactly if I'm proud of this person I'm becoming, and I'm not sure who she is. I've had people say I'm okay, but I still find it hard to believe most days.

But I can't complain.

Sad song

My boyfriend and I are okay, but this song had me thinking if it reminds him of a past love, and he confirmed it did. I'm happy we can talk about it casually, like it's another chore he had to finish the other day. I think we're stronger and over this. 

On a bad day, I would've been spiraling by now. 

One good thing about today is I didn't fully realize how embedding Spotify tracks worked, in all my posting here for a few good years, until today. 

Andrea just touched down in New York, and I saw her in a video call with all our other bosses in the onshore office. 

I feel so lightheaded and sad. Mostly, sad. I'm sure it's because of my period. 

 Current fav

Tangina, kailan ba ako magkakaroon. Peke ba yung nagkaroon ako? Jusko.

Happy new year

I am happy. I cooked fishcake today. Hehe

From this

To this

I also like how it tastes. Funny din kasi may tumawag sa akin in public to ask saan ko nabili ecobag ko. Outfit check below #PalengkeFashionIcon #Korique

I got a new phone last Saturday too. Namaalam na phone ko for real nung kasal ni Andrea: 

Speaking of kasal ni Andrea:

BEST PRANK EVER NI ANDREA NA ILAGAY NA ONE HR EARLIER THAN THE ACTUAL EVENT YUNG SA INVITATION HAHAHAHAHA. Sabi nya pa, "Kilala ko kayo."

TRULY SHE DOES, HAHAHAHA! The day was so much fun 💖

Eto new phone ko na medyo nagsisisi ako. Ang pangit kasi ng camera.

Ang laki ng spacing ng apps and everything! Or baka naninibago lang ako. I miss my old phone.

First pic with the bebi 

First pic of the Bebu

Delayed period ko. Sana datnan na ako. I love fishcake so much, good night!

Iniisip ko, tama bang panghinayangan yung ang ending eh nagcheat naman sa akin? Hindi sa mahal ko pa ex ko at all, pero napapaisip lang ako minsan kung karma ko ba 'to kasi di ko pinahalagahan nung sobrang mahal nya pa ako kaya ngayong may talagang mahal na ako, ako naman yung parang lukewarm lang na mahal. 

Anyway, that was posted at 10:20 PM, which was about an hour ago already as of writing.

I had this insightful conversation with Matt:

And he did humor me, but I'll keep it to myself na lang :)

I guess, I need to find my way back to feeling safe and trusting him and in his love. This is on me naman. Matt's been a sweetheart. I'll manage.

Nag-release si Matt Martian ng bagong album. I'm not vibing with it, not sure if not yet or maybe not ever.

My January favs.

Today is a sad day. I feel like I'm losing Matt by the day. I'm tired. My absence doesn't seem like a big deal. Maybe I need to ready myself for the inevitable. 

My current favorites:

Sugar Island - Jesse Gold

Flow State - Casper Sage

Steps - Isaac Zale, Mick Jenkins

I forgot to add, and idk why, but when they prayed bago kumain, Matt squeezed my hand. That felt like a special moment to me.

Let me try to capture exactly how I feel everytime I get in this kind of mood. I feel glued to my bed. I know I have commitments today, but honestly, I feel so scared to go out. I'm hiding from my landlord right now because I'm scared of being confronted, he messaged me to look for another housing for my pet. 

I'm hoping for what they call a deux ex machina. 

In other news, I've met with my boyfriend's parents and I hope it truly went well. I don't want to assume or be fully at ease.

Photos from that day:

I look pretty here.

We cute or whatever.

Ini-story nya na ako. Wieee! 

Cute ng card nila! Very Birch Tree ad vibes, I tell you.

I also want to flex this note Matt gave me on our anniv.

Feedback daw

And my favorite—his reaction to my gift. I'm glad he recorded it. I'm so happy he looked so happy here kahit na na-annoy siya sa dami ng tape hahaha

When I start to feel not okay and then it begins to rub off on the other aspects of my life, it's all these that reminds me of what he means when he asks me kung kailan ba magiging sapat na kami pa. Mas naiintindihan ko na sya. 

Also met up with Airene and nag exchange gift kami sa clinic habang kumukuha ako ng medical certificate. 

Nag-lotto! 

Habang eto naman si Bebu na well-behaved.

I feel sad. I just don't hang around too much so that I don't spiral down. But I really do. 

 I feel sad. I'm trying my hardest not to stumble and break down. A lot of things seem pointless. I wish I could make a lot of things happen with a flicker of a wand or a blink of an eye. 

 I'm tired and sad, and I'm just lucky I have the rest of the year to distract me and help me cope until it ends. 

 I didn't expect this from Jenna 🥲 To be acknowledged means a lot? It feels nice, but I'm also embarrassed because I don't feel or think I am? I'm okay with being decent or competent, but to be the best would be a stretch. I'm thankful she sees me and doesn't think I'm a nuisance. I'm happy that I'm helping the team instead of pulling them down, because I see myself as a nuisance most of the time. Madalas talaga pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. I'll relish in this feeling while it lasts. 

Binati ako ng mama ni Matt over the phone, IM SO SHY

👉👈

I went over my messages with Cecille our general manager again today and had a good cry about it. 

Gnite 

A little over a year ago, I was looking for cheap burial options. Right now, I'm wide awake binge watching The Haunting of Hill House and feeling so lucky, thank the heavens, for my boyfriend. This love makes me maybe want to start believing in a god again because there's nothing else I can think of to be grateful towards.

My heart hurt deeply and I wept over Luke's episode. It gave me a grasp on understanding what my mom and relatives did when I stepped in their home. I'm not yet fully sure what to make of that, but I think it will be helpful in easing the resentment out of my system and my life. 

I want to read and write again. I'm not sure if I've ever said that out loud over the past years, because all I've known is the shame in not being good enough. Admitting this now feels good. Wanting things feels good, even with the possibility of never getting it at all. 

A small part of me is worried about the crash after this high is done, but as with all ebbs and flows, I'll ride out this wave until the next. 

Good morning.

Here are my current favorites. 

Ang hirap labanan ng lason. Nakakasira ng bait. I've been cheated on before. Ang hirap kalaban ang sarili. 

 Di naman nya ako namimiss. Okay na to kasi lugi lang din naman ako. 

I always long for my guy but I feel like we're just sexually incompatible. That's sad. Sa simula lang magaling. Baka nga bothered pa rin ako sa nakita ko. 

 

I was feeling lighthearted and a bit uplifted and now I'm sad and frustrated because why do things have to be so hard why can't we have just one good day why can't things work out for everyone why do things have to push us against each other if everyone means well for everyone else. If I'm really the bad person I think of nothing but maybe the need to be gone. I don't necessarily mean off-ing myself, but just somewhat gone. Maybe disintegrate. 

I have things to be grateful for, and I am. I haven't decided yet if they outweigh all these. Should they?

The end of a clock's ticking doesn't stop time.