So.
First time kong magka-tamagotchi at gets ko na feeling ni Matt about his toys HAHAHAHAHAH
Hi.
Nahihiya ako sa parents ni Matt and I honestly want to back out sa paparating na Sabado kasi I feel like I being othered? Na parang inconvenient ko nga na ma-accommodate and I get why naman din, pero you know me — pinakaayaw ko talagang nagiging pabigat sa ibang tao.
Nahihiya rin ako kay Matt kasi parang di na kami gaanong mag jowa ngayon. Iniisip kong maybe something must change sa work ko kasi priority ko rin si Matt. Tinuturing ko siyang extension ng sarili ko. Priority ko ang kung anong nagpapakain sa akin, yes, pero kung umuuwi naman akong feeling empty then is it really worth it?
Work is making me feel like shit.
I feel like it's hard, if not impossible, to go back to who I was before everything went downhill, and it's prolly difficult because I don't exactly know where things went south. On the other hand, I wholeheartedly believe that it's doable to attain a sense of self that's tolerable for yourself. It's not the same as regaining my old self, but I can't hate the parts of me that have matured.
Anyway, not to self-diagnose, but I think I feel depressed. I also feel detached from things or people I'm not supposed to.
I don't know how to feel okay.
Maybe I'll be able to process and work through my feelings in the next couple of days. I hope so.
I've been unsure how the grieving process entirely works, but I was certain I was gonna lose it the moment I drop on my bed from work this Saturday morning, so I decided to have one of my life's best days instead.
I truly, truly love you, Matt Castañeda (although he doesn't really know of this space, just that it exists lol).
Always a blessing in my days.
It's been a lot harder lately to unlearn the routine I've built the last few years now that she's not around anymore. I've always kept her in mind for all the plans I've made in life, but now all of that is gone and down the drain just like that. Was our life together just a series of bad decisions leading to this? I hope she knows I love her so much.
I miss her dearly.
Hello, Bebu. I wish you were still here. I can't clean up anymore now that you're away. Going home feels like the world has stopped, and I feel stuck.
I'm sorry.
I'll be okay if you haunt me. In fact, I'll prefer if you did.
I hope you'll still come by every now and then.
ive always thought that maybe im doing something wrong in life, but with everything that's been happening lately, it's not so bad out here u know?
i thought that maybe i need to drag my ass back to school, or maybe i need to do something new with my place. just. something. different.
well, the universe came around and answered.
So.
ive been feeling very stunted at work the last few months, even more so than usual. as a matter of fact, i was planning to do a deep dive on job hunting this weekend, but god fugging damn... the universe always finds a way.
ive been crying nonstop since saturday morning at work, and i go back to crying everytime i think about it (im crying right now while im typing this) im crying out of gratitude and this overwhelming feeling.
ive been feeling tossed aside so much lately but god fugging dammit this is a huge plot twist for the quarter that i can't!!!! para akong prodigal daughter 😭😭 i can't believe how much the world has my back. i cant believe that it even does.
honestly i dont know why ive been crying this much when a very good thing is happening to me, because i know for a fact that im not crying out of sadness. im so happy and i cant contain my feelings and i don't know how else to let it out. im not the best person alive and i can't believe good things can still happen to me. i may do badly at this new thing, and believe me when i say i do not want to fuck up at all, okay? my self worth is tied to my work performance so haha yea i won't be on a list of people to ever consider messing up at work.
anw, im so overwhelmingly grateful for the chance at a new experience. im overwhelmingly grateful for the potential growth. and i must remind myself it's not a matter of whether i deserve good things or not, kasi hindi naman din objective yung personal standards na sinet ko to determine deservification lolz.
nakaka-excite mabalik sa position to suck, to learn, to not feel like you know it all, to be scared.
in other news, kinikilig din ako kay matt kasi siya rin may company provided macbook (ey) tapos nagjoke akong what if matapakan ko rin yon gaya nung sa ipad nya (huhu sori baby) tapos sabi niya, eh di hati kami sa pambayad like??? di niya sinabing "eh di break na tayo" even as a joke?? di niya rin sinabing kargo ko buong gastos?? (kahit na realistically dapat naman talaga) im probably making it sound more than what it really is but ang nice malaman na ang nasa isip niya is katuwang ko siya and it really sounded like he has no plans of leaving me anytime soon haha c: not that i think he would or that i would, kasi so far, its been fucking great. as in even it feels or it has felt like ive been left alone to rot, im truly not alone kasi he's like this ray of light that pulls me out of whatever bad place i find myself in. don't get me wrong, di ko balak iasa sarili ko sa kanya, pero i think, we live in a society u know? part of being a responsible person is taking all the help that's there for you, and if there are people around you who freely and willingly extend their arms, it's far better to take it before it's too late and you're too far gone to make it back.
maybe putting it out here is jinxing it, but i just thought to share since it's been a while :) and you're one of the few lives who's stopped many times over for a short minute to experience mine through here :)
so ayan lang muna!!
ending with this message:
i have love to give, and there is so much love around this world and this life to receive, and im eternally grateful to be taken care of and to be loved by the universe and all the people ive come to know.
PS.
i cooka da pasta hehe
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