Even nicer thing someone has said to me for the week:

I’m not gonna lie—obviously, I prefer to remain self-reliant over these kind of feelings, but it's nice for someone to say this. 

 I'd wonder about who you are on a regular day, but I feel my soul getting sucked dry.

Now, I'd like to think of myself as a rational and logical person, despite my emotions sometimes getting the best of me, but even so, there are mistakes I don't defend myself from. And even more so, there are mistakes my friends cannot defend me from. I think this is one of those. I wonder why I always need other people to defend me from myself, to hold myself high. Idk where I'm going with this. 

Your song, maybe. 

I think of you sometimes to quiet down my thoughts. 

 Maybe I should stop pining for these things and spend my days in remorse for all the mistakes I've done. I'm not sure if I deserve that, after the things I've done. I want to be good, really, but records say otherwise. So maybe I don't. 

 

I have been feeling a lot like shit lately. This is the best thing anyone's said to me for the week. I cannot really share my actual thoughts to people, kasi I don't think anyone understands. I'm either too much or too weird for them. They call me a sad girl for my feelings. I feel like shit. I feel like shit. I feel like shit. Nothing is making sense right now. 

Hope you're ok. Your song

 A lot of my memories don't seem real. I don't understand how I got to where I am now. It doesn't make sense that I still exist. I feel so disconnected. 

 I wonder who my dog would be in another life or another universe. Maybe she'd have gotten bad karma for chewing up half the shoes on my shoe rack. Maybe then she'd be some sort of version of me out there. Maybe we'd have switch places and she'd be the one bearing this bittersweet feeling I carry right now.

And so, in this life, in this universe, I'll give her one of my shoes to chew on sometimes... Anything but the tissue roll.

I'll let her lick my chin or whichever part of my face she feels like every once in a while. I'll let her linger around me and give her the attention she wants sometimes, hoping it alleviates whatever sadness she could be feeling in another world or another life.

I wish to be a better mother to her than the only one I've known. 

 I was supposed to meet with some people from a friend group I've sort of grown out of and then may nirereto sila sa akin supposedly but the guy declined because of what he heard about me.

It is true. I hooked up with a guy who was courting someone else.

I don't think I harassed the guy, para maging ganito ako ka-ruined. And bakit ako lang yung condemned and vilified?

Ayun lang for today's video.

Sabi ni Airene:

Sana nga. Sabi niya may kilala siyang kinasal nga eh tapos masaya naman. 

 I feel like I'm shrinking. Not at my best atm

 I have to say, a friendship breakup stings a lot more than all romantic fallouts combined because they're people you truly, purely like and it's like getting punched in the gut out of nowhere. 

I don't think of this every second, and I don't dwell on it so much, but it's there.

Minsan iniisip ko paano pag nadeads na magulang ko. Di pa ako ready sa ganong klaseng gulo. sa totoo lang, bata pa lang ako witness na ako lagi sa gulo—quarry, tenants, etc. I worry their demise would ruin the (more) peaceful life I've made for myself. I hope not. Sa totoo lang, mas gusto ko pang magkanya-kanya na lang kaming tatlo. 

"I find myself in contempt of my own feelings."

Bakit nga ba? Bakit ang hirap i-acknowledge ng vulnerability natin hahahaha

I might've sent this already, but it's the song for the day still ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A summary of what's up:

- I lost a friend. No she didn't die. We just drifted apart and she wouldn't tell me what's up. This is Adi. And I thought we'd be in each other's life for a long time.

- I voted, and I don't like the unofficial election results

- I deactivated my IG as well because Mother's Day is a pain

- I lost that new friend I started speaking to

- I drunk messaged a workmate who I sometimes like and sometimes don't.

It's the first three that hurt the most. 

I recreated Mikay's recipe last time. That's just hotdog and ketchup.

Bukas I'll cook all my potatoes. Aadobohin ko.

I feel numb tbh. 

 proof of life 

 Dreamt two days ago that Bebu gave birth to 3 pups lol 

Song!

Someone asked how I've been feeling recently, and I thought I was okay, that I just need to get back to watching my kdramas for my fluff fix, but I realized after watching a few eps of My Liberation Notes that I'm only okay because I hide within my routine. If I didn't have anything to do, I'd lose it for sure. Because right now, despite having something to do, I still don't feel okay. I don't feel like crying, but I feel dead. I constantly get up at 7:15 PM against my will, and work is at 8pm. I've started eating a lot again. I feel bloated lately. 

Clingy alarm clock. But a cutie. 

I've looked up yoni massage, someone is offering that kind of service for free, but I'm not sure if I should take part. 

One part of me thinks it might be just what I need to let go in terms of sex, but another part of me thinks I should just keep to myself for now and not get physical with anybody solely for the sake of fulfilling empty desires. 

I haven't made up my mind yet. 

One more song. 

I really feel drained and sad lately.

 I feel sad. 

My current favorite.