I'm feeling so crappy bc of too much coffee that my ex came to mind for some goddamn reason anyway I was wondering am I still hung up, scared I won't ever be in a relationship again, or am I just traumtized idk 

Feel so sick I've been throwing up lots lately gnite I'm not preggo I just feel sick

 im so scared of the days that have gone by because i think just one small trigger and ill be back at it and im really really trying to stay okay and im thankful for my dog and i miss her and i just wanna be with her and i dont wanna work :( i think i need to file for a vacation leave but im not sure what to do and im broke my savings are almost all gone im so sad i wish i was in a better place funny how getting my phone stolen was all it took huhu maybe i shouldve waited till november to buy a new phone idk no this is worth it and even my frens say i dont need to pressure myself because i got me two new cabinets and theyre also investments and i got me a bed so like?? but idk idk idk :(( im so poor :(( 

how did i get to feeling this sad again :c

 "sometimes i think finding a decent person you can really love is just up to luck but lately ive been wondering if im that kind of person in the first place"

cant believe i picked this up from a manhwa

 Hi pls congratulate me I'm ok with this unrequited feelings thingy majiggy. I came across this post abt this girl who shared how she was in a situationship with someone who kept on pushing back kesyo he's not ready to have a gf but the girl eventually met someone else who was down for her . Like my situation is different pa rin naman kasi I put myself in this situation and there's no one else haha (I think?) pero totoo why settle for someone who doesn't like you the way you like them!! Tama!! If kaibigan ko tong ganito kakaltukan ko sarili ko kasi it's called self inflicted pain and we don't want that lol anyway I still stand by what I said abt not wanting to lose any people anymore tsaka bahala na hahaha anyway nung una torn ako sa true love waits pero ewan I think I'm old enough na for this. Haha. Also wala sakto lang. Takot pa rin akong baka nga hindi ako kamahal-mahal pero ayaw ko rin naman baguhin yung nakaka-turn off sa akin which means comfortable ako dun so magsettle na lang ako sa sarili ko since ako lang naman yung okay sa sarili ko haha sana naiintindihan mo pa ako also hindi mo na ako masugid na sinusubaybayan nagtatampo ako char hindi to required wala ako pasweldo sayo pero wait ko na lang bumalik ka. Akalain mo yung medyo nagwowork pala 'tong kausapin ko sarili ko lololol

I'm good I'm good work is shit work is still shit!! 

But life isn't so bad.

Also an ate girl stared at my boobs otw home like I know teh it's the bra dey be looking good

**

This episode of Hospital Playlist made me realize wala talagang mahirap na small things for the people you value in your life

 i hate my brain i think everyone hates me right now tbh and im annoyed at everyone and i think i just wanna go home and play with my dog. we played some sort of fetch earlier this morning and i was a little productive at home i did a bit of the laundry and also picked up my clothes from the laundryshop ahah i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad and dizzy and shitty 

on one hand i lich rally googled "why feel shitty after criticism" and i thought it's because im ultimately a self absorbed bitch (which i can be, admittedly) but not to self diagnose pero this kinda made me feel valid but hindi ako magmamarunong 

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/criticism-depression-and-anxiety

maybe i am depressed? who knows right god i hate seeing the people here i want them off my sight

anyway, this is not to say that i cannot take criticism. i can! and the people i trust are honest! just as i am honest with them! hays. i fucking hate work. i cannot function right now. i woke up at 7:07 PM it's a fucking miracle i am not late for work (thank u angkas) i hate my boss i hate work i fucking hate work i wanna cry i wanna cry i fucking hate how worthless it makes me feel i feel so fucking worthless i kinda wanna die 

wow damn everyone's in a bad mood :c this feels awful :c and heavy :c it's making my head hurt and i think i really wanna cry yeah im just holding back my tears cause im in the office god.

yeah i couldnt stop them from falling anyway i really hate myself right now 

wow feels like im dissociating again ahaha

 i am kalm. no more yearning. ok meron pa rin onti but not as bad as the last time. i am kalm and accepting!!!!!!!!!!! and kalm!

also my phone got stolen methinks ahha

 hi ang OA siguro nito pero ive been reading about fibromyalgia and allodynia and it does not apply to me but i wanna be sushi rolled right now it's my first time taking advil bc i really cannot bear the headache anymore my head was in pain the moment i woke up and it still hurts till now ugh i wanna go home and sleep my body feels so tender all over ackkk 

 do all men really cheat :c sabi dito sa binabasa ko, "Infidelity happens in bad marriages and in good marriages, so the idea that having a “perfect” marriage will prevent infidelity is a fallacy."

ano na rin i mean ako rin naman ive done it hayst 

hayst

hayst

ayoko na ang hopeless ata ng relationships

gusto ko nang magbirthday

 i feel like crap but i can still go to work and im sad bc of a super irrational thing but it's ok im a little wary of you kasi baka ikaw pala yon hahaha akala ko si Lucena ka ih pero i cut him off na yay felt nice tbh

Pero sige sabihin ko na haha also sino ka kaya salamat sa pagsubaybay hahaha joke don't tell me

Hays ayoko pa rin pala sabihin hahaha kaya ko namang magkimkim CHOUR that's on character development 

Hintayin ko na lang mawala we dont wanna fuck things up do we hays

I'm better than I was before but ofc i still wanna be loved hahaha except i want it from someone particular pero eniwayz hays im good im good who knows it might get the creative juicez flowing

O di ba wala rin sinabi ko na rin hahahha sorry i am just a hole sir hahaha

Pero alam mo. Idk. Iba yung nararamdaman ko. Like. I can't even think of indecent thoughts around this person. When I catch myself doing so or joking abt such, I shush myself kasi i think he doesn't deserve to be thought of as such? Like. I think he deserves the most tender of things. Basically, it's more than a sexual urge. I'm over that phase anyway. Oh, to be stupid. I just wanna sleep beside him. (literally) 

I'm taking a break from men and dating and hooking up hoping it counts for something. I know this is completely stupid, but who knows, right? It's not like isusumbat ko kung kanino (sa kanya o sa kung sinumang higher being) na, "I'm saving myself for you and working on becoming my best self so I can share that with you" r u really doing stuff to be your best self lol pero ayon nga malay natin may konting stash of luck pa pala akong nakatago sa cosmos. Idk if it makes sense haha it makes sense to me that's all that matters. If I told anyone else about this I'm quite sure they'll think I'm nuts BECAUSE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE LOL but it does to me ok?? It's like making a deal with the devil except it's a deal between me and an unknown entity slash higher being slash the universe. Seriously. Idk. The pull of gravity? Nature? Idk. Hahaha. 

 I know this is a thankless task, one that only I've agreed to. Wala namang nakakaalam bakit ko 'to ginagawa. Wala namang may nagsabing kailangan ko 'tong gawin para may patunayan ako. It's like one of those running jokes na "boyfriend ko siya pero ako lang may alam" but instead it goes like, "I'm on a sabbatical to prove something pointless" pero oks lang it's not entirely pointless and thankless i also need this for myself, it's been awfully nice to take a breather from dating. 

This is good for myself. And I'll be waiting for when these stupid thoughts are gone. It's ok. I'm not good enough for him anyway. It's ok. 

Sigh. Idk how to elaborate my thoughts but ang lawak pa ng mga parts sa mundong hindi namin nacocover bakit ko ipagdidildilan sarili ko tama tama tama I'm just 23 I'm still so young. I'll get over this fuck period my body's been fucking sore for weeks stoko magpamasahe

Someone from work told me na wala daw bearing 'tong feelings ko kasi wala naman daw sex pero ewan ko ako lang naman makakapagsabi alin ang mas matimbang eh kasi mas kilala ko sarili ko?? Hindi ko na rin pinaliwanag yung full context kasi bakit pa. Hahaha. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng advice eh. I know I'm being irrational and I know what I need to do. Granted, it's sad nga, but no means no.

Bakit ba kasi hindi na lang ako Koreanang may naka-in love-ang kapitbahay tapos 10 yrs kaming nagpipigil para slow burn hahahahahhahaha

I also had a weird dream haha I dreamt i was back in my old elementary school tapos may masarap na strawberry drink and nakapila ako along with other beauty queens kasi may napanalunan daw akong pageant (WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DI BA IF U KNOW ME PERSONALLY, YOU'D KNOW THIS IS DOWNRIGHT ODD) tas may tinatago palang feelings sa akin si Janine Tugonon tas we kissed in public like sa pila tas nag step down kami parehas and gave up our titles hahahaha fucking weird. don't judge me hahahaha i was even like, "no dont kiss me i havent brushed my teeth yet and i just ate something" and her lips tasted like one of those fruity lipsticks someone gave me in high school lmaoooooo if u think this is my awakening, not really. Idk. I mean i could not be straight but eh i haven't really liked a girl

i am malat and colds galore and i just wanna be loved and i hate this bloody period and i am a litol sad but it's manageable i dont want to have a body anymore gusto ko na lang maging floating entity na walang concrete form

 I'm surprisingly ok!!! 

 Ayoko nang grumaduate siguro hindi ko na masikmura nangyayari 

 ew ew ew ew ew i wish i could undo whatever happened last time ew ew ew ew ayoko ng corny stuff i dont even like him back can i ghost him char no we are supportive but are we even friends? i never thought this person and i were friends for starters ang weird i feel so uncomfortable and i dont like it.