Seems like I'm back again to feeling glued to the bed,, nagka-internet issue ako today. Galing ng timing. Sana di na bumalik muna. Ayoko muna maging tao. 

 is it weird na enjoy ako na may nasasabihan ng i love you na random na tao (ako yung blue icon) kebs lang. eh. ok work na me kinakabahan ako sa klase ko mamayang umaga di ako ready mentally but then again when will i ever be

 my mind has been muddled by the thought of my mom's birthday for weeks, before it was even her birthday. (twas on the 9th) till now. idk what to feel or say tho. but it's been bothering me. i havent told anyone. i dont feel like telling anyone. it even took me a while to write about it here. i finally quit the group I'm in, in that game ive been on since June, only to play another one (Genshin Impact YAYYY). I wish I could go back, but I've caused irreparable damage already. 

Maybe that's how wearing your heart on your sleeve can be wrong. 

I wish I wasn't straightforward at times like this. 

I also wish I didn't trim my bangs, it looks like shit. 

I feel meh. Not exactly like shit, but eh. 

I miss and don't miss talking to people. I want and don't want to talk to people. 

 i wont mind going on deep, long hibernation

 i want to buy a cam corder and a keyboard :( 

can i just say im highkey shipping kaina and sen morimoto??? it's actually nice :(( it's making me believe that girls who arent skinny also deserve love (BUT SHE IS ALSO PRETTY AND IM NOT SO THATS ANOTHER PROBLEM WAAAAA)

"secret stomachaches"

ive been without a facebook account for 2 days so far and good lord, i hope things could stay this way. ive been saying that i would delete it after school but it seems unlikely because i will also need it for work aha aha aha :( why cant we bring back e-mailing hmmmmmmm... i dont know why i reactivated my ig, i wish i didnt. 

i wanted to write something a few mins ago but i forgot what it was so ill just keep that prompt above till i remember it. if i do remember. i tried reading a few of my handouts BUT CANT HAHAHAHA. I gave up on the introduction why cant my brain handle fancy words anymore huhuhu

for someone sleep deprived, im doing pretty decent... and why are there now 3 views on my most recent blog entries????? 

if this is my ex, it's chill if u still wanna sue me, but i havent badmouthed you in the last few months haha not even on private messages. it's even exhausting to talk about what happened. i just need to release it sometimes when i feel sadt about it, which is not often honestly 

i miss having an actual conversation with people. like a good, long conversation. i miss my friends. :( 

i know i've had my moments of weakness a lot more than i wanted AKA the yearning, but it wouldn't have been as hard if i had a social life *clears throats* fuck covid 

Over.

i know. times like this, i couldve just spent ~rediscovering myself~ but im lazy hahaha it's starting to be hectic again these days. guess i'll be distracted again soon. :))

i still havent gone back to therapy. 

im so scared of something that occurred last saturday night:

i was half-asleep and vividly imagining things that i wish would happen. it felt so damn real but at the same time i had to cry because i was also aware that they weren't happening in real life, or maybe not in this lifetime, at least. i dont think it counts as hallucination but it was goddamn scary i was a little tempted to immediately contact my therapist haha

to be called eloquent by someone you admire is nice. yiee. 

im used to pining (just for the lack of a better term, and for the theatrics) over people. it's ok. 

theres this book ive been meaning to read for days. maybe ill give it a try tomorrow. so help me lord

will someone just take me away and let's live another life? haha huhu

i'd like to think im a better person than i was because now, i can stand by whatever choices ive made. and i can also make choices, though not all the time ahah but it's a process, okay?

im really just mumbling here. 

why does discord have to make you wait for 14 days before fully deleting your account?? why not just 5 days or something,, I KNOW IT'S A PLOY TO KEEP USERS FROM LEAVING HAHAHA BUT I HATE IT BECAUSE I AM  A VICTIM TO IT. I KEEP COMING BACK. I JUST WANT TO VANISH INTO THIN AIR OK?

****

to be called ~soft, gentle, and hot (but psychotic)~ by one of your crushes huhuhuhu haha im kinda happy HAHAHAHAHA i will disregard the trap part and the rage and cake bit as well hmpppp

we shall not fixate on one guy and keep our crushes bountiful so as to avoid the torturous burden of a broken heart HAHAHAHAHAHA trying to sound like an old person ew

niwayzzzz 

** 

i'd like to share how it felt NICE to fall asleep immediately during my break 15 mins after closing my eyes wtffff thats foreign but completely welcome

kamiss madiligan i fucking swear haha charot hays soft hours charot pota this life 6 months na ako walang pakikipaghalubilo sa mga tropa ko ayoko na po chararat pota gusto gusto ko lang ng may katabi at tatapik sa likod ko at magpa-pat sa ulo ko tapos isusubsob ko mukha ko sa dibdib niya tas yon na yon ok ok ok ok ok pota pota pota 

pero ayoko ng fuck buddy kasi ang gusto ko ay tunay na pagmamahal at busilak na puso charot hays putangina this life syempre hindi pa pwede kasi tatanga tanga pa ako az a person luh hahah hays kailangan ko lamang po ng isang halik bilang patunay na ako ay isa pang tao at hindi bato panginoon magparamdam ka! pero suko na ako sa dating app pota ok so paano? eh di nganga ayoko na maghanap actively pota ang draning kaya haha atsaka ang hollow at empty lang sa pakiramdam kada swipe mo aha aha alam ko sinabi ko na yan pero ala lang gusto ko lang ulitin

alam ko medyo ilang araw na itong sinasabi kong "moment of weakness lang to palipasin na lang natin" huhu sorry na talaga athena pls behave na pls pls pls tangina? am i thirsty? maybe yes i just wanna LITERALLY sleep with someone pls na may konting malisya no to sex i have been converted into virginianity again no more sex sex is bad momol only

ok kids? ok 

alam mo bakit ba kasi ang hirap makipagdate? hindi ba pwedeng magkainlovean na lang kayo ng kaibigan mo para komportable ka na agad? kasi pag makikipagkilala ka with the intention to date, ang daming pagpapakitang-tao, kaka-conscious sobra kasi ewan haha di naman pwedeng kebs kebs lang. hays pero kebs na lang talaga ISPIRITO NG DEMONYO LUBAYAN MO AKO UMALIS KA HINDI KO ITO KAILANGAN NABUHAY AKO NG ANIM NA BUWAN NA HINDI GANITO KALALA ANG YEARNING KO PLEASE LANG

pero can i say i dont hate my face so much im aware im not pretty but i can tolerate my face and body na hahaha so yay it's a win for us, lads! <3 PERO MABALIK TAYO KASI PUTANGINA ayon lang

jusko panginoon isang halik lang,, maawa ka at mahabag,, hindi na rin ako sigurado kung nagbibiro pa ako at this point please lang. 

mas ok pa ako nung takot ako makipagdate eh pota,, bakit ba nanunumbalik itong mga ganitong napakamaling damdamin huhu huhu

isang napakalungkot na hoe-ctober sa ating lahat,,, tagay!

PS. proud ako sa sarili ko kasi di ako buang na buang sa lalaki ngayon

PPS!!!!!!!

marunong na magmemes etong si aports natin na hindi marunong mag order sa grabfood kakaproud naman hahahahaha uhuhuhu 

tangina nalulungkot ako miss ko na mga kaibigan ko huhuhuu