bigat ng katawan ko. i really should exercise but im too lazy ugh

ive been feeling light-headed for hours now. isn't therapy just being dependent on someone else. Does it really help. Because I'm spiraling down again. anyway i messaged them and asked when's their available sched

skl, it took me 12 hrs to realize i was feeling cold,,, man i miss having conversations where i hear other people's thoughts but i dont have the energy for it either,, i wanna talk to people but at the same time, i also feel tired and drained? i havent had a conversation with anyone for days now and it was fine until it isnt,, 

i wanna ask my friends how they've been doing but,, i know i wont be able to sustain the conversation and i dont wanna be the receiver all the time so i'd rather not talk at all,,

one more thing,,, i recently finished that kdrama "it's ok to not be ok" and i still am unsure if that kind of love exists outside of kdramaland, that of the unconditional kind i mean. like someone is shitty, and takes SLOWWW progress steps, but people around her still care for her???? thats interesting,,, to have people never give up on you,,, and this is why im getting a little sick of kdramas now because it sets u up for disappointment,, because that is not the reality hahaha,, there is no such thing,, people feel drained too,,, some stay,, and sometimes it works, but in most cases, it doesnt,, and thats totally fine?? 

ive had a glass of coffee now but is still feel like shit haha,, idgaf about my prod at work tbh,, i dont remember when i last took a bath,, i seriously have lost track of time,,like, aware ako tuesday na ngayon pero parang it's just another day in the sense that the whole month feels like a very loooong day,, 

i cant listen to taylor swift's folklore bc it's going to amplify whatever it is im feeling rn if any,, i feel so rotten and empty

to my credit tho, i havent had liquor for weeks now because i know it wont make me feel any better

*edit: i do get some sort of reprieve for a moment. man... rupok hours coming but at the same time i also dont want them? like it would be great to cuddle with someone and kiss someone but im not exactly in search of it. im 100% CERTAIN im going to fuck it up with this unstable state of mind. besides teh consistency,, suicidal ka kuno di ba? why get in a relationship if ure gonna die anyway haha joke. the suicidal thoughts come in flashes. thats normal right. right this moment, im listening to moonchild and im ok. abangan natin bukas sa first half ng shift ko sa trabaho <3 i do feel a little better after taking a bath during my break